miércoles, 29 de abril de 2015

Friendship & Money (Day 75)

I am going to refer to a point that is in relation to how I “help” other people when they “need” a specific favor. 

Most of the times I am asked “Pablo, could you give me a ride?”, “Can you give me a cigarette?” or sometimes my friends and I are planning to eat in a restaurant and one of them says “I pass, I don’t have any money”, so I say “I invite you. Let’s go”.

My current status since last December is: unemployed. So, you can realize that the money you get after you are fired (unemployment insurance and payment of balance) is not forever. Plus I haven’t found a new job.

I kind of know that I can live the way I’ve been living since I started working for about 3-4 more months, but the money I have is going to be gone soon.

This situation has led me to fear. Fear of not having everything I have until now, for instance, gas for my car, cigarettes everyday, buy junk food every time I want, etc.

Then, I thought “I have always helped my friends when I have the chance to do it. Will they do the same for me if someday I have no money?”

After that, I thought “Well, if I am inviting my friends when they do not have money, I am not doing it expecting something in return, but probably they are too used to having me inviting/helping them”.

So, last night I was in a friend’s house with some other guys and one of my friends wanted to buy something. It was 2am and the place he was asking me to go, according to my knowledge, it’s kind of dangerous. 

This was the chance to test my friends' reactions when deciding not to help them.

They said “If we pay the gas, could you give us a ride and then we all come back here again and continue having fun?”

I said: No

I realized that they didn’t accept my answer and started to say stuff in order to persuade me. They continued insisting. Then kidding about it. Finally one of them (who was a guy that I’d just met) said: Why “no”?

It was interesting to hear what I said, because I hadn’t prepared any speech. It was just me, expressing myself in that context. 

I said: You see, I always place other people’s needs before mine and this time I say NO. It’s not that I am a selfish guy or anything like that. I don’t like talking about this, because I would have to start naming the things I have done for all of my friends when I invite them, but that’s not what I really want to do. First, I don’t want to drive. I’ve just got here and if I stand up and leave, will be towards my house to sleep. Second, I don’t want to do it and that’s the reason that beats down all the other possible reasons I might say.

Then, they continued saying jokes about it and trying to persuade me. I didn’t like that situation and it was cool for me to realize how people easily accepts “yes” but when for some reason you say “no” it’s like the end of the world for them and they don’t accept it.

Finally, one of my friends said: Pablo, you are unwavering/unbreakable and cutting when you say “no”. - Which made me feel good.

But, I would like to refer to a sentence I mentioned when I was explaining why I said “no”. 

I said “I always place other people’s needs before mine”. To be honest, that decision contains Fear, because if some of those guys who don’t have money wouldn’t go with us, I would perceive it as "we are incomplete" and that we will get bored, without realizing that I am not really “helping” someone when I always invite them, because those guys usually spend their money in other stuff, so when they say that they don’t have any money it’s like they express that they want to go with us to a restaurant (for instance) but then they say "the idea sounds cool, but...I don't have any money. Go on your own guys, I will be just here (in a sad voice tonality). Have fun", and then when we say "we invite you", they always accept it.

After experiencing the same situation a couple of times, I kind of see that it’s all really "fake". Like, I don’t even see it natural when I listen to their excuses, because if you don’t really want someone to spend their money on you and you know that they will do it anyways, you just realize “I don’t have money. This dudes have invited me many times. I’m not going to accept it and thus, I will be helping them save money”.

So - Last night’s situation got me thinking that there are some people that are used to be helped by others all the time. But, when you can’t help them, they insist. Therefore, as I consider them very fun/nice people to be with, it’s like I think “It doesn’t matter if they don’t have money, what’s more important it’s their presence”. Which is true, but then you will start developing a relationship based on the same pattens, like a tacit agreement = "They want to go to a restaurant. I apparently don't have any money, because I waste it on drugs and alcohol, but it doesn't matter, because they will invite me to eat anyways, because they always do and they always will".

Now - I realize that last night at least they kind of placed themselves in my shoes, because they were offering me to pay for gas if I was to give them a ride. But, what I didn’t like was that they insisted, because apparently they had considered “helping” me with some money for gas, but they couldn’t just understand why I didn’t want to do it. - As I mentioned before, the place we had to go was dangerous and I didn’t want to compromise myself or them. So, this time my decision had nothing to do with money.

Anyways...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to "help" other people with my money when I invite them to go out, eat or share something because I fear I might get bored if they don’t go with me/my other friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that my help is based on fear and self-interest when I invite other beings to hang out with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the way I behave with other beings is building a relationship, therefore, a relationship based on fear and self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just place other people’s needs before mine without seeing myself first in self-honesty and question myself why I am doing that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having more money and thus, not being able to do all I have been doing since I started with my first job.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “will my friends help me the way I do if someday I have no money?”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that my friends will do for me the same I do for them in the future by the time I won’t have more money due to my current situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become in “testing my friends” mode because as I know I won’t have money in a few months more, I am more aware of my money and how they behave with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear experiencing regret when I picture myself in the future having no money and my friends letting me be alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture my behavior in the future when I won’t have more money, seeing myself with self-pity, because I won’t be able to do the same stuff I am able to due now while I still have some money saved after I got fired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my existence/expression as a human being won’t be the same if I don’t have money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have built the way I live now and as I built it using money, I can deconstructed and build a new one adapting myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind with the fear of not having money instead of looking for new ways in which I can make money to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live at the limit, expecting the moment when I end up with no money to start moving without taking advantage of my present and moving myself now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more focused on the future instead of seeing my present in time and space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to help others without even being able to help myself.

When and as I see myself about to “help” someone with my money, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that there is a reason why I am doing what I am doing and that I have to place that reason in front of me and see it in self-honesty and realize if I am really going to “help” or just really building a relationship based on fear and self-interest.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am about to “help” someone with my money, in order to see in self-honesty why I am going to do that, so I will make sure that I am going to really “help” instead of hiding behind self-interest and fear.

When and as I see myself thinking that if some of my friends is not going with us everything will be boring, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am just inviting someone because I fear getting bored as if it was my friends’ responsibility to keep me entertained = Me paying them for fun because I fear getting bored.

I commit myself to do what I do on my own and just accept the current moment as it comes without depending on others to be entertained/happy.

When and as I see myself reacting with fear due to my current situation and seeing myself with no money in the future, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not enjoying my current experience here, because all I am doing is based on fear. Fear of not having more money.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I start thinking about the future wherein I see myself with no money, in order to bring myself back here and see what I can do now to start moving instead of waiting for that moment to come.

When and as I see myself testing my friends and thinking if they would help me in the future as I have helped them until now, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that they don’t have any responsibility towards me and that I can’t accept and allow myself to depend on them and expect their charity in the future, because I have to take self-responsibility for me first and be able to only depend on myself.

I commit myself to stop the thoughts and imagination where I see myself in self-pity and expecting my friends to help me the way I have helped them with my money so far in order to focus on myself and move towards a solution instead of remaining in fear.

viernes, 24 de abril de 2015

The Smell of Love (Day 74)


Earlier I was looking for an old microphone I was supposed to have among all my stuff inside my closet. While I was looking for it I saw many old things I didn’t remember I still kept.

One of those things was a bottle with the perfume of one of my ex girlfriends. I grabbed it and it still had a little inside, so I pushed it and the smell came. 

While I was about to do this I remembered that every time I got in contact with that smell, many memories came to my mind, for instance the season when we met, how the weather was, etc. and I could even re-ignite the “love” experience again.

So - I smelled the perfume and at first I didn’t remember anything. It was just alcohol. Some minutes past and then I did the same exercise - kind of “forcing” myself to bring the love experience again and voila! 

It was interesting to see how I within myself created the same “feeling” I had when I was just dating that girl some years ago.

I used to feel so familiar and comfortable with that smell, because it re-ignited the feeling of love within myself and I felt/perceived it as a part of my self/beingness.

I remember that when I had problems/arguments with that girl in the past or when I felt that the love energy was decreasing, I smelled the perfume in order to bring back all the “passion” that once existed and apparently stabilize myself within my current existence in order to align myself to that love again.

The perfume also made me remember why I asked that girl to be my girlfriend; Fear. Fear of losing her. Fear of another guy asking her to be his girlfriend first.

We were riding our bikes during summer and I saw her with the sun making her silhouete like in the movies; backlighting. I felt glad to be with her but then, the fear of losing “that" showed up. We stopped to say goodbye and I asked her immediately if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She said “yes” with her eyes shining and a shy smile.

It’s interesting to realize how I manipulated myself every time that something was going “wrong”, because the solution to our problems was apparently to remember who we once were, without even questioning or realizing the reason why we decided to be together. It was more important to focus on the positive energy instead of facing our fears in real life; time and space.

I see that the only tool I have to get stabilized and bring myself back here is BREATHING. The difference is that I did the same in the past; breathing, but not clear/fresh air, I breathed her smell in order to “stabilize" our love instead of stabilizing myself as the physical. Weird crazy shit I am able to see now lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the solution to problems/arguments within a relationship is to bring back all the love energy that once existed in order to align/equate 2 people within that love experience and live it as one energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to old memories instead of putting them aside and see reality as what’s going on now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to turn a person as how she used to be, because I think, believe and perceive that the way she turned then was less than before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to the belief that “all past time was better than now”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in order to remain enslaved to the love energy like a drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see reality as the now and here in order to face my fears instead of remaining in the past as memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to bring back some memories because I felt that in those memories there existed much more love than then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the love I experienced as a drug every time I brought back memories through a smell is only energy that is not unconditional. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that real love is action, not a feeling that requires to be reminded through thinking and remembering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that real love is not energy that starts at its peak and then fades away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if the love I once felt had changed as energy it's because it was mind-based and all that is based on the mind is not equal, it is not physical, therefore it is not unconditional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to remain enslaved/enchanted within that love experience that I once felt, because I no longer felt the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in a relationship based on fear of losing that person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reaction of fearing someone else to make me “lose” the girl I want to be with is living the word “relationship”/ "love" as an auction in which the one who acts faster wins the bid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that real love is a competition wherein the cleverest/fastest wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that real love is not something you win/lose.

When and as I see myself experiencing a decrease in what I have defined as “love”, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that real love is not energy and it does not depend on memories to re-ignite again, because real love is unconditional actions in common sense based on what’s best for all.

I commit myself to question myself every time I “feel” love in order to see myself in Self-Honesty and in that moment direct myself towards real life instead of conditional energy as a drug that depends on something separate to continue existing.

When and as I see myself depending on something separate to re-ignite the memories that bring back the love experience I once felt, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that in doing that exercise I am going to be experiencing love only as the mind system, but not as the physical unconditional action that does that not depend on any type of energy to exist.

I commit myself to stop believing that real love requires something separate to be re-ignited through bringing back memories within the belief that real love must be aligned energy between two beings.

When and as I see myself competing for “love”/ "relationships" I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that real love and relationships do not have to be a competition wherein the cleverest/fastest/richest/cutest win and that this is another proof for myself to realize how conditioned human beings are due to our current system in which the ones who have "more" (money) are the ones that always win and live while the other ones die as if they didn’t deserve to live/love = Same patterns apply to all fields; economy, love, work, etc.

I commit myself to stay out of any type of context in which I see competition to get love or relationships, because that would be an indicator that I am just fooling myself - as I did with the perfume - and not making any change, just accepting and allowing the same shit to continue existing, only seeing reality as a game based on winner/loser = inequality.

martes, 14 de abril de 2015

Fuck You, Facebook! (Day 73)



I have noticed that there are many people that tend to react with a type of “cyber tantrum” when something “negative” is going on within their lives. What I am referring to is when people close their Facebook accounts.
 
Earlier I was talking with a friend “P” who - as I have mentioned in my post called Hating Girlfriends (Day 59) – is in a kind of chaotic relationship immersed in constant cycles based on jealousy, comparison, breaking up, coming back again, etc, etc, etc. - basically all the systems from which relationships function.


I realized he had closed his Facebook account and I immediately related it to his… should I say ex girlfriend? Well, the movement in that polarity; one day she is his girlfriend and the next day she is the ex.

Anyways – I asked him “hey, what happened to your Facebook account?” and he explained that he was tired of all the bullshit within it. He mentioned that Facebook is full of shit and that he noticed he was too immersed within it and that now he prefers other applications such as Youtube and Whatsapp. 


What I was able to say was “Dude, closing Facebook is not the real solution, because what you have to change is the habit/behavior/relationship with it”.


I have had some other friends that have done something similar when they have “emotional issues”. It’s like they commit a “cyber suicide” through deleting their Facebook accounts lol. 


I would say that in doing so, you corroborate the importance you give to such platform. I mean, if you do not want to be “here” for your friends through deleting your Facebook account, you must know they can call/visit you. So, what’s the real point within closing your Facebook account?


I can tell that “P” did it because his (ex) girlfriend is so jealous, plus “P” has been unfaithful within his relationship before, so the only way to have sex again is proving each other they are doing something for the other, but not really for each one as One. Because if my girlfriend tells me who I must/mustn’t talk to and she feels jealous because I have many girlfriends on Facebook and I want sex with her but she is mad at me. Then, I have to do something to get her back and that is, doing what she has been asking for. And then I go assuming and believing that I am doing it for myself. Really?


I realize that we do not want to really change ourselves within relationships. I mean, we do all for the other person and we fool ourselves in forcing us to believe that we are becoming better human beings.


We give up certain points/aspects within our lives in order to keep having sex by pleasing the other person, which is basically deception. We – outside - appear to be “honest” but within ourselves we know we are not being self-honest.


For some reason this makes me feel angry/frustrated. It’s like I want to grab “P” and tell him “stop that fucking shit”, but I realize that the only thing I get by getting angry is just becoming a system reaction. 


But - Why do I get angry/frustrated? Because I have been asked to provide some advice and people tend to say “I agree with that! Yeah, that’s what I will do” and then they “fall” again. So, seeing them participating in the same cycles makes me angry/frustrated and I get with this feeling that I have just wasted my time and saliva when talking with them. 


Another point that I realize by bringing this to myself is “Perception”. In my previous post Affirmation = Limitation (Day 72) I mentioned how the lack of information makes you accept an affirmation based on a perception under the belief that you are “right” when actually you are “seeing” only what the other person is showing you (his/her own version of the story).


So – Going back to the main topic; closing your Facebook account. Well, each one has access to his/her own self-honesty to see if you are really doing it because you have decided to not participate in a platform that does not support life due to all the amount of videos/pictures/comments out of any common sense or if it’s under the belief that Facebook is to blame, which is ridiculous; It would be like burning your tongue with hot coffee and then blaming the coffee and throwing out the Coffee Cup in order to destroy it, believing that’s the real solution to your stupidity.


Self-Forgiveness


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry and frustrated when realizing that someone has not really applied what we talked through the piece of advice they asked me for.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe only one version of the whole story and keep it as the real version, which determines my actions/reactions towards my friends’ girlfriends.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that each one must realize his/her own self-responsibility through self-honesty.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take personal the consequences that my friends experience when they do not apply what we have talked/shared.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to grab people that seem to not understand and shake them while saying “stop this fucking shit” as if that was to create a real self-awareness.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my friends when they do not do what they have said they were going to do without seeing, realizing and understanding that I do the same sometimes.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a conversation within a reaction of anger/frustration after I realized that something has not been done by any of my friends and due to that, all I say is full of this desire for revenge, to make them understand through treating them badly. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that punishment is the real solution to change this world.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this desire of revenge when someone has “fallen” is a reaction existing in my pre-programming due to my experiences within my childhood where every time I did something “wrong” I received the punishment by an adult.


When and as I see myself reacting with anger/frustration when someone is doing something out of what we “agreed”, I stop and breathe. I realize that my participation in that anger/frustration only leads me to desire revenge which is not the real solution to change this world.


I commit myself to stop and breathe when I realize I am becoming angry/frustrated when a friend tells me he/she is doing something contrary to what they said they were going to do after a conversation with me and then, once that I make sure I am here in the physical, just listen to them and bring all to myself so as to see in self-honesty how I can change those points also existing within myself and become a living solution instead of a system reaction.

martes, 7 de abril de 2015

Affirmation = Limitation (Day 72)


This is a post related to a point I wrote in one of my previous posts called What Happens After Breaking up? (Day 69) where I mentioned a specific situation when talking to “X”.


The other day I told a friend what had happened with “X” and while I was telling him the story he interrupted me and said “hey, didn’t you know?” and I went “know what?” and he said “your X now is T’s girlfriend. 


Well, “T” is a guy I don’t personally remember meeting but he is kind of close to the group of people I hang out with.


So, then I thought/said “Probably X thought I knew about this and she then thought that I wanted to create problems within her new relationship, but I had no idea. I just got surprised with her reaction after I talked to her”.


Then, all started taking another direction, because my reaction to her answer when I talked to her was “WTF”, because there was some information I didn’t know and that I didn’t have to know anyways.

But, then when I knew the “whole” picture I went “I understand, but I kind of feel guilty now, because if I would have known she was dating “T” I wouldn’t have talked to her, because that guy is close to the guys I know and the last thing I want is trouble”. 


So, what I wanted to mention here is that we sometimes face a certain “reality”, but due to the lack of information we react according to what we perceive is “right”.


Also, we can’t have the access to all the information, so when we judge, we do it based on a small part of the information we know.


So, what would be my lesson learned? Simple; if X said “I don’t want to talk to you”, the only thing I can say is “okay”, because I won’t have access to her self-honesty and it’s not of my business. 


Why do I mention this? Because the last thing I said within that conversation with X was “keep this conversation saved and re-read it again. It will probably make sense in the future once you have grown up in self-honesty”. 


So, the exercise I do now is: I re-read what I wrote and I see, realize and understand that those words I told her were a reaction of anger and I was closed within my own point of view where I saw myself being “right” and X being wrong/crazy, because according to the information I got, she was apparently not being honest, so there I went as Mr. Right telling people what to do and how to act lol.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider that the judgment I am expressing lacks of information, therefore what I “see” is not the whole picture.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that what I see in my mind as the “whole picture” is the reality, without seeing, realizing and understanding that there is information I won’t have access to.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I know exactly what is going on within X’s mind.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be more focused on what I perceive people should do instead of looking through myself first.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry towards my own belief that X was not being self-honest based on her words when I talked to her.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that as X and I met sometimes after our break up that meant that it would always be like that, without considering the impermanence as the polarized “self-expression” that some call “the right to change my opinion” and that each of us knows exactly why we do what we do.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every time I make an affirmation/statement based on what I think, believe and perceive, I am limiting myself, because that affirmation/statement is only a "part" of the whole picture that I am able to “see”, therefore, what I am making as an affirmation is a judgment lacking of information that does not constitute the whole picture as reality.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when I picture myself arguing with certain beings that I have judged as not self-honest – for instance X -  and within that I see myself telling them “dare to write about your thoughts, feelings and emotions, you mother fucker. Let’s see who we are. Stop hiding within that “acceptable” behavior and nice words” which is equal to: a system telling another system how not to be a system through a system reaction/pattern.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that the solution to that which is best for all is getting angry within my thoughts and then act upon my judgments towards the people I have labeled as hypocrites.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I myself have the right to label people when I judge them as “hypocrites” or “not self-honest”, because they are not walking this process of self-writing to re-define myself as Life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I myself am superior to other beings that have no idea about writing about what’s within the mind system.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that I have to take self-responsibility for what’s within my mind, direct myself in self-honesty and make a contribution to that which is best for all as a living example.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take self-responsibility for the words I speak/express, because most of them are only based on perceptions, therefore what I express then is only an opinion as many others that exist in this world that do not support life.


When and as I see myself making an affirmation/statement based on what I perceive, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that in doing so, I am limiting myself, because I am beLIEving as reality only a part of the whole information, therefore, what I end up living is an illusion based on perception instead of common sense as the physical.


I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am participating in perceptions towards that what I am “seeing”, because I don’t require perceiving to then be-LIE-ve - I have to be-LIFE here and stop my participation within my mind system, because that’s the only way to become Life as the Physical and to stop being a slave of what my mind dictates.


When and as I see myself picturing myself having arguments with certain beings  I have labeled as “hypocrites” or “not self-honest beings” I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I have to focus on my own process and become a living example instead of deedless words as opinions that do not support Life.


I commit myself to take self-responsibility through self-awareness when I am expressing myself through words in order to support Life instead of mind systems.

As a conclusion; Affirmation = Limitation , because we limit ourselves to know/explore/consider other possibilities also existing here.