viernes, 24 de abril de 2015

The Smell of Love (Day 74)


Earlier I was looking for an old microphone I was supposed to have among all my stuff inside my closet. While I was looking for it I saw many old things I didn’t remember I still kept.

One of those things was a bottle with the perfume of one of my ex girlfriends. I grabbed it and it still had a little inside, so I pushed it and the smell came. 

While I was about to do this I remembered that every time I got in contact with that smell, many memories came to my mind, for instance the season when we met, how the weather was, etc. and I could even re-ignite the “love” experience again.

So - I smelled the perfume and at first I didn’t remember anything. It was just alcohol. Some minutes past and then I did the same exercise - kind of “forcing” myself to bring the love experience again and voila! 

It was interesting to see how I within myself created the same “feeling” I had when I was just dating that girl some years ago.

I used to feel so familiar and comfortable with that smell, because it re-ignited the feeling of love within myself and I felt/perceived it as a part of my self/beingness.

I remember that when I had problems/arguments with that girl in the past or when I felt that the love energy was decreasing, I smelled the perfume in order to bring back all the “passion” that once existed and apparently stabilize myself within my current existence in order to align myself to that love again.

The perfume also made me remember why I asked that girl to be my girlfriend; Fear. Fear of losing her. Fear of another guy asking her to be his girlfriend first.

We were riding our bikes during summer and I saw her with the sun making her silhouete like in the movies; backlighting. I felt glad to be with her but then, the fear of losing “that" showed up. We stopped to say goodbye and I asked her immediately if she wanted to be my girlfriend. She said “yes” with her eyes shining and a shy smile.

It’s interesting to realize how I manipulated myself every time that something was going “wrong”, because the solution to our problems was apparently to remember who we once were, without even questioning or realizing the reason why we decided to be together. It was more important to focus on the positive energy instead of facing our fears in real life; time and space.

I see that the only tool I have to get stabilized and bring myself back here is BREATHING. The difference is that I did the same in the past; breathing, but not clear/fresh air, I breathed her smell in order to “stabilize" our love instead of stabilizing myself as the physical. Weird crazy shit I am able to see now lol

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the solution to problems/arguments within a relationship is to bring back all the love energy that once existed in order to align/equate 2 people within that love experience and live it as one energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to old memories instead of putting them aside and see reality as what’s going on now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to turn a person as how she used to be, because I think, believe and perceive that the way she turned then was less than before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to the belief that “all past time was better than now”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in order to remain enslaved to the love energy like a drug.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see reality as the now and here in order to face my fears instead of remaining in the past as memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to bring back some memories because I felt that in those memories there existed much more love than then.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the love I experienced as a drug every time I brought back memories through a smell is only energy that is not unconditional. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see that real love is action, not a feeling that requires to be reminded through thinking and remembering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that real love is not energy that starts at its peak and then fades away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if the love I once felt had changed as energy it's because it was mind-based and all that is based on the mind is not equal, it is not physical, therefore it is not unconditional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to remain enslaved/enchanted within that love experience that I once felt, because I no longer felt the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to engage in a relationship based on fear of losing that person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reaction of fearing someone else to make me “lose” the girl I want to be with is living the word “relationship”/ "love" as an auction in which the one who acts faster wins the bid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that real love is a competition wherein the cleverest/fastest wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that real love is not something you win/lose.

When and as I see myself experiencing a decrease in what I have defined as “love”, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that real love is not energy and it does not depend on memories to re-ignite again, because real love is unconditional actions in common sense based on what’s best for all.

I commit myself to question myself every time I “feel” love in order to see myself in Self-Honesty and in that moment direct myself towards real life instead of conditional energy as a drug that depends on something separate to continue existing.

When and as I see myself depending on something separate to re-ignite the memories that bring back the love experience I once felt, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that in doing that exercise I am going to be experiencing love only as the mind system, but not as the physical unconditional action that does that not depend on any type of energy to exist.

I commit myself to stop believing that real love requires something separate to be re-ignited through bringing back memories within the belief that real love must be aligned energy between two beings.

When and as I see myself competing for “love”/ "relationships" I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that real love and relationships do not have to be a competition wherein the cleverest/fastest/richest/cutest win and that this is another proof for myself to realize how conditioned human beings are due to our current system in which the ones who have "more" (money) are the ones that always win and live while the other ones die as if they didn’t deserve to live/love = Same patterns apply to all fields; economy, love, work, etc.

I commit myself to stay out of any type of context in which I see competition to get love or relationships, because that would be an indicator that I am just fooling myself - as I did with the perfume - and not making any change, just accepting and allowing the same shit to continue existing, only seeing reality as a game based on winner/loser = inequality.

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