I was with “A” in my car waiting for another friend. We waited for about two hours, but nothing happened. While we were waiting we smoked, talked, laughed, listened to music, etc.
Then I remembered I had bought some chewing gum so we started chewing gum while waiting for this another friend that was supposed to come.
Suddenly “A” says: How are you chewing the gum?
I said: What do you mean?
He said: I mean, are you doing it fast or slow? How?
I said: Well, I hadn’t thought of it, but I am chewing it very fast, like consuming all the sugar at once.
He said: Yeah, I am doing the same, so as I noticed it, I changed the way I was doing it. I am now doing it slow.
This brought a realization of how thoughts unconsciously manifest as physical body expressions without self-awareness.
I said: You know, the way our mind is functioning determines the way you interact with the chewing gum you have in your mouth, for instance, if I would drive now according to the mind state I am experiencing (impatience), I would be driving like this and that (acting out facial gestures and over reacting the way I grabbed the handclap and the gearbox, moving very fast/anxious) and chewing the gum very fast.
It made lots of sense to us that we opened up and talked about different experiences and moments of self-awareness. For instance “A” mentioned that sometimes when he goes out, he is walking and suddenly he notices his muscles are too rigid, like not very relaxed, so he breathes in and out, relaxes his muscles and then continues walking.
A few minutes ago I was playing the guitar and I noticed that my arm started hurting. Well, it has been hurting for two weeks roughly. People say that I have tendonitis and that that's caused by repetitive movements.
This is a point I have realized that is related to my relationship with music, especially singing. I sing differently when I do it alone or with my band. When I am alone I feel shy and afraid of making mistakes, but when I play with my band, it’s like I don’t care because everything is so loud that I feel hidden/covered.
While I was playing the guitar a few minutes ago, I noticed that my stance was a bit rigid. I started feeling uncomfortable and I realized I was afraid that my neighbors would listen to my “awful" voice, because I had just woken up, I had no previous warm up, I was unprepared, etc.
So - The chewing gum and how I chew it brought to me the realization of “hey, I am here, slow down” as it happened today with my stance while playing the guitar, because it was the fear I was fueling with thoughts/backchats manifesting in my human physical body to the extent that it hurt - Which makes me consider the possibility that I have acquired the habit of judging myself while playing the guitar alone and that the pain is a sign sent by my human physical body as an indicator that something requires direction within and without my self-expression.
We also mentioned that sometimes we are so focused on getting full with the food when we eat that we even bite ourselves and we end up not really “enjoying” that moment. Completely unaware of how we bite our food instead of tasting it and being here, bite by bite as breath by breath.
Another point that I am able to see now is related to masturbation. I remember that when I was a teenager there were games or competitions my friends/classmates mentioned in which the participant who ejaculated first, won. Leading to focus more on the orgasmic experience instead of physically experiencing every move your body does. Then, as it becomes a habit, one experiences a premature ejaculation when interacting with a partner in real life, ending up as frustration, because of the continued use of your body without being aware of how it functions and what's the speed/pace/rhythm that best suits you.
Of course there are other variables within the topic of why masturbation is seen as something that has to happen fast, for instance the inter-subjective perception that masturbation is something sinful, nasty, abnormal, etc. and as we blindly believe that we require porn movies to do it - because we were collectively taught that that’s how things must work - we don’t want to get caught = Fearing that others know that we masturbate. So, that will lead to making the habit more extensive; perpetuating your behavior, because you are immersed in a rush of adrenaline (going fast), instead of saying “Hey, I am here. Calm down" = paying attention to your penis/human body instead of the images you use to fulfill your pre-programmed mind and so be able to making it something physical here, in real time; move by move as breath by breath.
I will continue in my next post with some other moments where I see this unaware participation when interacting with something/someone in order to open up more points that may support me to be HERE in self-awareness and living activities such as chewing, walking, driving, singing, masturbating and having sex as who I am as the physical instead of as a mind unconscious program that determines HOW (fast) I live/express myself due to the thoughts as patterns I have placed before my self-expression.