Continuing with one of my previous posts “Chewing Gum (Day 77)”…
"I will continue in my next post with some other moments where I see this unaware participation when interacting with something/someone in order to open up more points that may support me to be here in self-awareness and living activities such as chewing, walking, driving, singing, masturbating and having sex as who I am as the physical instead of as a mind unconscious program that determines HOW (fast) I live/express myself due to the thoughts as patterns I have placed before my self-expression when interacting”.
So - I will start off with mentioning that I have noticed one unconscious thought manifestation in my human physical body that actually started when I was about 3-4 years old.
I always grab my hair with my fingers and "play" making moorings and then loosing them.
The memory I have is me laying on the couch, drinking milk from the feeding bottle, watching TV while playing with my hair using my fingers - Which is something I still do nowadays. I mean, not drinking milk from a feeding bottle like a baby, but playing with my hair lol.
When people see me doing this, they say “Hey you will get hairless if you continue doing that”, but I have never believed that.
Anyways - What I have been noticing recently is that I tend to play with my hair when I am watching/listening to someone/something.
You may think that I do it in order to pay more attention, but it’s quite the opposite. I have realized that when people are talking to me and I start playing with my hair it’s like I am not here. I am in my mind instead. In other words, when you are talking to me and I am playing with my hair, I will say “uh huh, yeah” as if I was paying attention to your words, but actually, I will be thinking and thinking, not being aware of what you are saying.
I haven’t identified what is the specific thought/backchat/feeling/emotion that comes to my mind when I play with my hair yet. I only realize that I am playing with my hair when I catch myself doing it in the moment. So, as this is the first time I am writing about this point, I will investigate more about this unconscious reaction, so as to understand what are the thoughts/backchats/feelings/emotions I experience that lead me to place my hand in my head and not be here in the physical in self-awareness as every breath.
Another memory I have with regards to this point is me asking mom “Why do I play with my hair? Have I always done it?” and she said “When you were a baby I used to make you sleepy while I played with your hair, especially with that part that you play with in your head now. And one of your older cousins does it as well, because I did the same with him when he was a baby and I wanted to make him sleepy”.
So, one may think that my mom pre-programmed/installed that physical pattern within my cousin and me, because both of us received the same stimuli as babies, plus we still do the same currently, but, what I want to investigate here are the thoughts/backchats/feelings/emotions that activate the quantum physical pattern today, in order to start becoming more aware of my participation/self-expression here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously react with a quantum physical pattern when listening/watching/reading something, placing my hand in my head and then binding and loosing it with no self-awareness towards what's going on here, because I get distracted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get distracted from my physical reality every time I play with my hair while listening to people, reading or watching someone/something.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here constantly/unconditionally in self-awareness and instead I catch myself wondering in the mind while playing with my hair.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend I am listening to someone when they are talking to me while I am playing with my hair and then I say “uh huh, yeah” when actually I don’t even remember what they were talking about.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change my physical stance when I realize I am playing with my hair, because I get too hypnotized that I want to continue doing it until my scalp starts hurting a bit or my hair becomes starchy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to add "upgrades" to this game throughout time without giving myself direction to be here, because every time I play with my hair I find different ways to make more and more moorings - which keeps me more busy and distracted - instead of practicing/applying other methods that may help me be here in the physical, in self-awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel "proud" when people say “Hey, what are you doing with your hair? Stop doing that. You will get hairless” and then I say “You know, this is who I am. I have been doing this since I was 3-4 years old. This is part of me”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my “who I am” as a quantum physical pattern without even knowing its purpose, nor whether it assists/supports me or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this quantum physical pattern as something that makes me unique/special, without seeing, realizing and understanding that "uniqueness" and "specialness" do not exist, because we are all One and Equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the patterns that I blindly/unconsciously follow in order to investigate who I really am as the physical.
When and as I see myself playing with my hair while someone is talking to me, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not paying attention to what the other person is saying and I am just in the mind like an organic robot in automatic mode = I am not here in self-awareness.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I catch myself playing with my hair while listening to someone, in order to bring myself back here and identify the thoughts/backchats/feelings/emotions that lead me into the activation of my pre-programmed/conditioned quantum physical pattern that I have been applying since I was a child.
I commit myself to continue exploring myself within this quantum physical pattern through self-forgiveness, so as to be more aware of myself/my environment and become self-directive from within to without, instead of giving my power away to the mind system and its patterns that keep me enslaved/trapped as unconscious manifestations that determine how I express myself towards the world.