miércoles, 6 de mayo de 2015

The First Steps of a Depressed Guy (Day 76)


Within this post I am going to open up a point that includes me and I am sure other human beings as well. So, this will be support for myself that might also work for others who are related to the topic of Depression.

Throughout my life I have noticed there is a point/pattern that has been always there in relation to physically moving myself. This is The First Step or the moment when you have to start “Doing", for instance; getting up in the morning, studying, writing, reading, going out, etc. basically anything that has to do with duties.

I have also noticed that recently there is this lack of purpose in almost everything I do.

The other day I met a guy who mentioned something similar to what happens to me. He said that he went to the psychologist and the diagnostic: Depression. 

What this guy said was that he doesn’t want to get up in the morning, he doesn’t want to go to work, he only wants to have a girl and drink alcohol.

This got me thinking “I bet that if I go to the psychologist, they will probably say I am depressed”. 

I remember that when I was in college there were some subjects I didn’t like to attend. There was this one called Grammar and by the end of the semester I went to check my grades/marks and I was failing, but there was the chance to pass through an exam. Though the mark/grade I needed was very high. 

When I was checking my marks/grades I saw my teacher looking at me and then she laughed. This pissed me off within myself and I thought “probably she laughs at me because she must be thinking that it’s too late for me to pass the subject”. 

What I did then was picking the names of each content involved in the Grammar subject, looked them up on the internet, practiced with different sentences, reading some concepts, etc. I did this for two weeks straight and I finally went to take the exam and I passed. My teacher looked at me in the eyes when I went to check my final mark/grade and said “what did you do?” (as she couldn’t believe it) and I said “I studied your contents for two weeks straight on my own, my own style and my own method” and she said “you are a brilliant student!”. 

What’s interesting here is that even though I passed the subject, I didn’t do it for myself. To me it was more important to show that person - that was apparently laughing at me - that I was able to pass the subject and that I was not a stupid/lazy student as she could have thought.

So - Here I can see that my purpose was to blow someone else’s mind and destroy all her judgments towards myself. BUT, I can’t pretend to be like this forever. I can’t depend on a person that apparently judges me in order to prove that I am not what they think and using that as a method to achieve my goals.

The first step is always hard to me. For instance when I have some points that I would like to write about, I go into thoughts that the only thing I get is putting off. But, when I finally start doing it, I can’t stop until I finish and I really enjoy the journey. That’s why I passed the Grammar subject, because even though my Starting Point/Purpose was to prove my teacher I was not a failure, I enjoyed the process and the result, but without that purpose I wouldn’t have probably studied for the exam, because I really didn’t care.

Now - Going back to the “Depressed Guy" I met the other day - What I told him  was “dude, you are alone. Probably all your friends and family will say that you are not alone, because they believe that in saying that, you will feel better, but that’s not true. You are in fact alone and you’d better get used to be with yourself and not depend on anything separate from you to exist. You have to learn to enjoy your own presence”. 

I now re-read what I told this guy as a message from myself to myself = I am Alone. 

While reading aloud the word “Alone” I realize that an energetic reaction pops up within myself, like Sadness and I bet that there is this collective perception that being Alone is something “Negative” or “Bad", because we are so used to do what we do for Others that we even define doing something for oneself as something Selfish. Completely misunderstanding concepts and reality, because when you mention or show that you do the stuff for your own, people go like “that’s too individualistic. You are not considering the rest”, but I ask myself “have they really proven that doing something for oneself is Selfish or is it only what they think, believe and perceive without doing anything in the physical?”.

So - It’s funny how we “help” people using Words and Concepts that we apparently know. But the only thing we know about those Words and Concepts are the collective agreed and unaware definitions/interpretations based on other people’s opinions and/or what the media shows.

Even the Clinical Discourse such as psychology/psychiatry is something we shouldn't buy. How is it possible that the same person/patient can get different diagnostics depending on the surveys they are applied? Have you noticed that? The instrument these “experts" use and their questions will be based and focused on a specific approach (only one perspective), therefore, not equal = it does not align to life = failed attempts. 

Instead of diagnosing other human beings, they should start with themselves first. And not only them, all of us, especially the ones that believe that they “help” and “assist” other human beings, such as teachers, lawyers, psychologists, etc. Because people give them Power and a specific Placement in Society and from that placement they create a Discourse which becomes Episteme/Knowledge/Information that is believed/considered/accepted by all as the Truth. But, how is it possible to elaborate this "knowledge" from a placement of Power and Trust that will be accepted by all of us as the “Real/Unique/Right Discourse” that apparently supports life when actually none of the participants involved in the creation of such Discourse have deconstructed their mind systems in Self-Honesty? 

Why do I mention this? Because there are many human beings that don’t accept something until they make sure that the source of information comes from a “famous" and “prestigious" university, without considering that that “prestigious university” has human beings that conduct the researches and their mind constructs - also known as cognitive bias - inhibit them from seeing a specific phenomenon without the Mind (placing their beliefs, judgments, opinions, thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. before the phenomenon = seeing through and as the mind but not with their physical eyes).

What are the mind constructs of those “experts" that many years ago said that homosexuality was a pathology (included in the DSM II)? -  Probably a White, Homophobic and Moralistic Christian "Expert".

So - After all I have mentioned here, what I have to say is that “Depression” is not real. You make it real, because you trust it. The concept of Depression was even probably created by those “experts” I already mentioned. But, instead of trusting Depression, better write about it and see what are the patterns that lead you towards feeling within a constant and endless lack of purpose, such as depending on someone apparently “challenging” you to be able to do your best. Such as what I did with my Grammar teacher.

That “Depression” is telling you that you are and will be alone. It’s basically a realization that tells you that you haven’t been doing the stuff for yourself and it’s up to you to dare to start expressing all the potential that you have and that for some reason you have suppressed or not effectively developed. 

So - “Depression” is an Opportunity to be with yourself, learn how to be Alone and clear the Energy (thoughts, feelings and emotions) you have attached to certain Words and Concepts, such as “Purpose”, “Alone”, “Depression”, etc. and then be able to see reality without depending on the research/diagnostic of a person you have given power and trust to tell you what to do.

Oh, and by the way - Nowadays, Psychology does not consider Homosexuality as a Pathology. Imagine how many beings were given “wrong” diagnostics in the past. What will happen with the ones that have been diagnosed with Depression?

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require a “challenge” to be able to start doing something for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that without a purpose I can’t do anything and that everything is/will be boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on another person in order to do my duties, because in having that person, I can prove him/her what I am capable of doing and then legitimate my own expression as something “acceptable” and “good”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that life does not require a purpose, because life is here, happening, with or without a purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what matters is who I am in this life here as practical solutions after the realizations I have experienced in order to change my life and so the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the Clinical Discourse as something I must Trust, without seeing, realizing and understanding that those Discourses are created by human beings with a pre-programmed mind and if I don’t have access to their self-honest writings about their mind constructs, I can’t just accept what they write in books - those books on which colleges/universities base their careers as an approach and teach more and more generations believing and accepting the same Episteme/Knowledge/Information as the Truth of Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach an emotion of Sadness to the word “Alone”, without seeing, realizing and understanding that being Alone is the status quo of life and that life is not an emotion/energy, but physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that what is called “Depression” is an opportunity for human beings to make peace with oneself and start doing our best without depending on the approval of someone else to continue existing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really support human beings when I have the chance, because what I do is using words and concepts that I understand as the collective understanding without questioning/deconstructing who I am in such words/concepts in self-honesty, therefore, what I end up expressing/verbalizing is just inter-subjectivity without self-awareness as the experience of who I am in self-honesty.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself in front of a challenge, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the challenge per say is not “bad” or “wrong”, it’s only an opportunity to do something, BUT what I have to clear is my starting point towards that challenge and experiencing it for myself and not towards others expecting the approval to legitimate my existence.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am facing a challenge in order to clear my starting point and bring all to self and use the challenge only as a tool to test my own potential without playing with the judgments I think other people have towards myself within my mind. 

When and as I see myself thinking that I have no purpose or goal, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the words “Purpose” and “Goal” have been abused in this world and society relate them to “Success” = something that gives you Money - and linked to archetypes that are accepted by all of us collectively. I also see, realize and understand that I don’t need a girl, children, a family or a house with a dog to be considered/defined as a “successful young man”, because probably all the the skills I have are invisible to the eyes of the archetypes collectively constructed in our society and that’s why I perceive I have to be approved/accepted by others within the things I do, kind of saying “you think I am stupid and lazy, but I can show you what I can do. It’s just that you are not able to see my skills, because they are not valued in our current competitive system that does not consider - for instance - art as a powerful skill”.

I commit myself to live my expression in art as who I am without seeing myself with self-pity for being "an unemployed teacher who has a stupid band instead of looking for a new job in order to be socially accepted and valued”.

I commit myself to give my best as self-expression while playing music, writing, reading, studying, because I see, realize and understand that my starting point has to be a self-commitment in order to know myself, change myself and then I can be a living example for others that might be walking the same path, so I can support them as who I am in self-honesty, self-responsibility and self-trust.

When and as I see myself facing a situation wherein people are using the Clinical Discourse to validate their point of view I stop and breath. I see, realize and understand that I can just be here and listen to them, be open to learn from them and try to participate in the conversation with all I have realized about it and then foster a conversation where all realize we might be believing something that has never been the truth, so as to nourish myself and others through communication.

I commit myself to listen to the different opinions people might have that believe as their truth and just talk to them as I would like to be talked if I said something “wrong", not "well educated" or not considering another perspective, in order to promote communication and feedback instead of friction and thus, be able to learn from each other without participating in any “challenge” to legitimate Self through Ego apparently giving a Purpose as a Medicine to “Depression”.

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