sábado, 27 de junio de 2015

The Unification of Bands (Day 94)


Last night I played with my band and many unexpected things happened. I mean, the show was great, we had a great time doing it, but I am going to refer to some situations that got me thinking, backchatting and reacting within myself.

Since the first moment we got to the place I realized it wasn’t well organized. The guy in charge suddenly disappeared. All the equipments were on stage. The show was supposed to start at 8pm but it actually started like 2 hours later (that's not unsual within gigs, though).

When we were invited to play, the guy in charge said something like “the idea of this show is to unify the bands”. – It sounded cool to me, because in my country being an artist is not something that makes you rich. You can’t have a descent income through it. You actually have to have another job in order to have money to buy your equipment. – That’s why I thought “Cool, bands have many things in common…let’s do it! Let’s work together and let’s unify our ideas” lol.

We finished playing and as we use many things on stage, we usually take longer than other bands when it comes to setting up and then taking out all our pedals, cables, amps, etc. 

Suddenly the band that had to play after us started installing their stuff, so I said “Guys, I suggest you to wait 5 minutes, because If you start installing while we are uninstalling we will take longer”.

The singer of that band said “You have wasted too much time already”. – This made me react because it’s not that we take longer on purpose. It’s just that our dynamic is different, because of all the extra equipment we require to sound the way we like. – So I reacted like “whaaat?”

Then the drummer of my band asked him “are you in a rush, dude?” and the guy said “yeah, because we live in a different city and we depend on buses to get home after the show”. My drummer said “If you know you will be in a rush because you don’t want to miss the bus, you could have asked the guy in charge to be the first band to play”.

At this moment I noticed a behavioral change within myself. I was upset and my facial expression changed. I realized that even my facial temperature changed and that my face was about to explode. – Even though I realized I didn’t have to react and just breathe, I started with backchats/internal conversations within my mind towards that guy.

After I was done with disassembling my pedals, cables, microphone, in-ear system, wireless system plus being careful because you don’t want to get electrocuted (it has happened to me in the past due to being in a rush and under pressure), I started disassembling my amp. That’s when the same dude that was apparently in a rush that was complaining at us because to his perspective and according to his context we were wasting too much time kind of messing around, he says “Hmm, dude? Is that your amp?” – I said “Yes”. – He went “Could you borrow us your amp?”- This for some reason made me think “Oh, the arrogant singer now is asking me a favor and his behavior changed. He is actually being nicer”. – Even though I wanted to say “Fuck you!” I said “I brought another amp. Let me take this one out and I will bring you the other one that I agreed to bring to the gig. But, you know what? Have you noticed that we first have to observe instead of just complaining? You said we were wasting too much time, but you have to understand that not all the bands work within the same parameters. If we take longer than the other bands it’s because we want to make sure we sound good. It’s not because I want you to lose your bus. It’s nothing personal. What would happen if now I decide not to lend you my amp? I will lend it to you, because I don’t want to be an asshole, but if I wanted, you couldn’t play”. He said “The bass amp your band used is mine”. Lol. I realized that neither he nor I were working in order to be more efficient within the process of having the stage ready for the next band to play so I said “Let’s talk about this later and we’d better hurry up”. It was fascinating to realize how we both became possessed within the argument and that each of us thought was right.

Well, the story is not finished here. We played second. The first band was the band of the guy in charge of the show. What do I mean by “the guy in charge”? The guy in charge is the person who has the idea. The one who contacts other bands. The guy who goes to pubs/bars and makes a deal with the owners so bands can play. The one who is responsible for the gig to function the best possible.

By the end of the first band’s show, the guy in charge sent a message through his microphone related to education/teachers. Basically supporting them within their strike against the new conditions/upgrade/reform the government is proposing within the teaching career that does not support equality at all.

Anyways - After the argument I had with the “arrogant singer” lol, I went upstairs, because we had all our backpacks and equipment there and from there you could see/hear the show perfectly. Suddenly, "the guy in charge" who played in the first band approaches me with some money in his hand. In that moment I remembered that we had an agreement; I committed myself to support his gig through bringing our guitar amps, but I was going to be in charge of transporting one of the two guitar amps and he was going to be in charge of transporting the other one, plus he was going to support me with 10 dollars for gas. - So, he approaches me and says “Dude, our drummer left me alone. He just left and the car we were using to transport your amp is his, so I won’t be able to help you transporting it. Here you have your 10 dollars. I am leaving now”. – At that moment the third band was playing (the arrogant singers’ band lol) and there were 4 bands in total. So, the guy in charge was leaving before the gig ended, plus he was going to do something completely different to what we had agreed. Wow, you can imagine how I felt lol. I had previously had an argument with a guy and now this?

I told him”Okay. I can transport everything. There’s no problem….but…you know what? You are a teacher right? You gave us a speech about education and blah blah. You know what are lesson plans? What you had to do – this is only a suggestion – was to plan everything. But, how is it possible that your drummer left and that you are leaving now? You said that the main aim of this gig was to unify bands, but these situations create the opposite, don’t you think so? I had a great time playing, you guys play really well and stuff but, come on! Wouldn’t it be cool to add it a bit of love to music? I mean, to do everything we agreed”. He said “Dude, I live in another city, I have to go now. I wish I lived here”. I said “You could have said that before this happened. We could have managed this and you could have stayed in our house. Music is only a small part of that unifying process you mentioned. But let’s don’t forget we are humans and through communication we have to build that which we want in common. We have to be empathetic and place ourselves in the other one’s shoes” – He remained in silence for about 2 minutes and then, he left. Suddenly, I realized I kind of became "the guy in charge", because he left and my amps were on stage being used while the official guy in charge was going home.

What have I learned through all of this? You may say many beautiful things, but doing them is a complete different story. Unifying bands? You do not unify bands through only speaking it. You have to live it through making sure your contribution is stable and unconditional. If you want to unify bands, you first have to unify your own band first. If you are in a hurry, avoid playing live, otherwise you will project your shit to others. Instead, let the “guy in charge” know that you want to play first. How do you do it? Through communication. The only way of unifying bands/people is through communication and having clear what the other participants understand of the concepts that are being expressed. For instance “I want to unify bands”, okay, what do you understand by unifying? To help you bringing some guitar amps? To meet in order to talk about the gig? To support each other? There might be many interpretations, so the idea is to make sure all get to a common understanding of the words/concepts we are expressing.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that everyone has the same understanding of the concept of “unifying” as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an idea of what is being presented to me through the use of the word “unifying” and then project it to the future as a minimum expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to negatively react when realizing that the agreement within the gig was taking a different direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that all the bands I play with have the same understanding/comprehension of a show.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become upset when I realized that a guy was pushing me to take out my equipment faster from the stage after playing when he said “you have wasted too much time”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when this guy said “you have wasted too much time”, instead of just doing what I always do, because no matter how many things you may say in order to accelerate a process, what it really matters is doing it instead of wasting time within arguments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to change my facial expression while being possessed when I reacted feeling upset.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically react to feeling upset through having my face red/hot because of the anger that was triggered by the guy who was pushing me to move faster.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to let the “arrogant singer” know that I had the power to even stop the gig right there if I wanted, because those were our amps, but as I was not an asshole, I was not going to do it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an argument when I actually realized I was suppressing energy within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “This guy needs to learn and understand our position. This can’t end here. He has to listen to me” and then react through explaining my position to him, but feeling angry within myself and at the same time trying to suppress the energy within myself when actually my human physical reactions couldn’t lie and started manifesting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even my body language when participating in anger may create more and more reasons to continue arguing instead of breathing, releasing and find solutions that are the best for all, because the other person may perceive my gestures and body language as violent and that may trigger more reactions within themselves and within the argument.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not communicate effectively with the guy in charge of the gig through telling him that we require a specific amount of time to have all ready to play and then disassembling our equipment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself accumulate suppressed energy after an argument and then releasing it into a second argument with a different person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just react without breathing first in order to make sure I am stable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the guy in charge of the gig as a "bad teacher" within my mind because I judged his participation/contribution within the gig as well as the way he managed the bands/time/equipment and then I thought “if he is not organized within the music field, I don’t think he is organized as a teacher neither”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed to judge the guy in charge of the gig as a poser, because he said some words related to the educational field, but in reality he was not apparently making an organized/committed contribution within his current reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see within myself where I have the same behaviors as the guy in charge of the gig, whether in the music field or the educational field in order to deconstruct them and and then re-define them through and as the physical, as an example which is more effective than angry and disappointed words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react feeling positive after I talked to the guy in charge of the gig, because I interpreted his silence as though he was thinking “I fucked it up. I lost” and I felt superior to him because of his “passive” behavior.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself creating agreements with other bands, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have to make sure that communication is being clear in order evaluate whether I commit myself to support or not, because misunderstandings create the antonym of “unification”.

I commit myself to use this experience as a learning process in order to continue making music where all musicians are comfortable instead of having arguments due to unexpected situations.

When and as I see myself creating agreements with a person in charge of a gig, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have to make sure whether my band will have the necessary time to perform or not and ask the person in charge for a schedule so we all previously know what we are going to face instead of finding it out while being already there.

I commit myself to be more specific when expressing the requirements my band needs in order to play, such as how much time we need for a sound check, how much time we need to play our songs and how much time we need to disassembling our equipment and thus, we may avoid having people complaining at us after performing.

When and as I see myself reacting angrily after someone is pushing me to do my stuff faster when it comes to playing live, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that not all the bands function within the same dynamics, therefore those people might be reacting to what they believe we are instead of getting to understand the real reason why our band takes longer than them.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am being pushed to move faster within the music field when it comes to playing live, because reacting angrily and being involved in arguments won’t make the process more efficient and it will create problems among bands instead of the so called unification.

When and as I see myself feeling superior and/or more than another human being because they remain in silence after I expressed my displeasure, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that it’s cool to express myself and to give my point of view, but what’s more important than feeling good about it is to make sure to be clear in order to support the other person’s learning process within the realization that they can do it better for the next time.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I start feeling good after an argument, because what’s important it’s our mutual comprehension instead of reducing everything to feeling good/bad about it.


I commit myself to place myself in other people’s shoes when they are not well organized or when they make mistakes, in order to be able to see myself in them and treat them as I would like to be treated if I made a mistake.  

lunes, 22 de junio de 2015

Faithfulness v/s Loyalty & Natural v/s Unnatural (Day 93)


Within this post I am going to open up some points existing within myself in relation to some concepts/words I have reacted to recently. These are the concepts of Faithfulness v/s Loyalty and what we know – or think we know – as Natural v/s Unnatural.

Let’s first have a look at the definition of these words and how I can create something with them:

Faithfulness:

-  Steady in allegiance or affection; loyal; constant.
-  True to one’s words, promises, vows, etc.

Loyalty:

-  - The state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness.
-  Faithfull adherence to a sovereign, government, leader, cause, etc.

    Natural:

-  -  Existing and or formed by nature.
-  -  Having undergone little or no processing and containing no chemical additives.

Unnatural:

-  Contrary to the laws or cause of nature.
-  At variance with what is normal or to be expected.

Okay – The first two concepts of Faithfulness and Loyalty appeared on a movie called Frida, which is a movie about Frida Kahlo’s life. There was a scene where she was having an intimate conversation with his future husband and they mentioned these two concepts. The future husband said something like “I can’t promise you Faithfulness if we agree to marry, but I can promise you Loyalty”.

It was cool to realize how I have believed that for some reason Faithfulness and Loyalty are kind of synonyms and that if you are cheated, you believe your partner is a traitor or something like that, without realizing that one can be Unfaithful and continue being Loyal.

It’s Natural to believe that if you are in a relationship with a partner you won’t be cheated, because it’s Natural to attach oneself to the Catholic Principles of Monogamy.

I once was reading an article that mentioned that globalization is not something that started in the 21st century. It probably started in the 15th century with the Catholic Church spreading its beliefs to the rest of the world as the only one religion. As a consequence, we have come to believe that it’s Unnatural to be in a relationship where your partner has sex with another person, because that would be considered/defined/labeled/judged as a Sin. - From the Catholic Church’s perspective of course.

We tend to prefer that which seems to be Natural and we reject the Unnatural, but if we have a deeper look at those words/concepts and we then have another look at human beings’ lives, then something interesting to realize happens:

For instance, I was born through Cesarea, because my mom’s “natural” body’s condition was not able to have a “natural” birth. Therefore, I can say I was born through an “unnatural” method. This makes me part of the unnatural ones, the abnormal ones. So, should the unnatural/abnormal be rejected when they actually support life?

If we reject the Unnatural/Abnormal because of our beliefs/projections, then LIFE wouldn’t be possible for many people, including myself; my possibility to live in this world would be nonexistent.

Anyways - Going back to the Frida Kahlo’s example. Why do we assume that being in a relationship should determine the way we behave? I mean, even though I may agree to have sex with another human being while being in a relationship, we are supposed to not do it, because that would be Unnatural and “punished” by our partners, because they were invisibly/imperceptibly influenced by the Catholic Church’s beliefs and they may think those beliefs are part of themselves, so in being Unfaithful one would be perceived as a “traitor” who causes harm onto others; onto the ones we “love”.

That’s why I liked Frida’s movie, especially the part I mentioned, because they – through self-honest communication – were able to create an agreement where they could be Unfaithfull/Unnatural within their marriage. They didn’t think “What will everybody else think of us? How will we look to the eyes of the people?” – They didn’t give a shit, because they knew who they were and what they wanted = to Live and not limit themselves within globalized beliefs.

I am not saying that the solution to have a “better relationship” is to have sex with everybody whenever you want, although I don’t see any Unnatural aspects if it’s a mutual agreement. It would probably push us to investigate ourselves deeper and to stop believing that our partner "belongs to us". Unfaithfulness would switch its status quo from Unnatural to Natural and we probably wouldn’t react with jealousy as we do today, because it would be part of the Natural mechanism of relationships.

Self- Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question why I have come to believe that relationships must function within and as the principle of Monogamy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the influence of the Catholic Church within human beings’ beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to function according to the principle of Monogamy and feeling bad within myself when I realized I liked another person who was not my partner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not communicate effectively with my partners in the past, because when I liked another person I thought I was doing something “wrong” therefore I preferred to hide it instead of communicate it to my partners and together come to a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing my thoughts, feelings and emotions when they were “Unnatural” to the eyes of the hegemonic discourse/belief existing within the mechanisms of relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I belong to the abnormal ones, because I wasn’t born naturally, without seeing, realizing and understanding that Natural and Unnatural are words that belong to polarity, therefore they exist within the mind = they are not real. I am real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the concepts of natural/unnatural, normal/abnormal, without realizing they are not real, because those are only perceptions and interpretations that function according to our pre-programmed inter-subjectivity based on knowledge and information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be defined as an unnatural/abnormal human being if I speak in self-honesty about this topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that our current existence within this world is actually unnatural and abnormal and everyone who will propose something different will be labeled as an abnormal/unnatural/antichrist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that our current existence is Unnatural/Abnormal because we exist in Inequality and an Unequal system that does not provide Equal life conditions to everyone in this world is actually the real unnatural/abnormal manifestation/creation.


To be continued… 

sábado, 20 de junio de 2015

Part II: Communication Within Bands (Day 92)


This post is related to a previous one I wrote some months ago called Communication Within Bands (Day 71).

Talking with a friend who plays in my band yesterday I told him about an idea I have which consists of picking up covers for our rehearsals, so we can be in contact with music in those days that we are not practicing (We practice twice a week).

What I heard from this guy was basically his current involvement with the band, for instance that he prefers practicing instead of playing live and that he sees the band as a practice time to do something physical, but with no future projections. Then, he added that some time ago he proposed something similar (the covers idea) and that he was not heard/supported and that the band kind of made fun of him. – The truth is that I don’t remember that specific event, so probably he spoke about how he felt after that event, based on his perception, in other words; he spoke emotions.

Then we parked the car and a girl in charge of the parking lot came. I interacted with her and it seemed she didn’t like what I said when she wanted us to pay her in advance.

We continued talking about the band and I mentioned that now I am learning how to be more organized and stuff. He said “you guys missed that opportunity from me” – Like meaning “you didn’t value that I was an organized person with good ideas for the band”. I said “nobody missed anything, dude”.

After that I moved to the back seats, because I was cleaning the car and I asked my friend “was I too rude with that girl?” and he said “Naa, but you could try saying the same you said but speaking slower and probably with a smile, so she can realize that it’s nothing personal” – I said “wouldn’t that be manipulation? Because you are aware that it depends on the way you express yourself (more than the words you use) in order to get what you want” and he said “it is manipulation…” I supported what he was saying kind of guessing “…but manipulation in order to make the conversation better?” and he said “… manipulation not focused on myself winning, but to understand each other better”. – Cool insight, BUT for some reason I can't trust his intentions behind his words, because the only one who knows if that’s true or false it’s only him, because when you talk about intentions that exist within your mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, you need to apply self-honesty and the only way I can have access to a person’s self-honesty process is through their writings and I haven’t seen any writing from this dude where he exposes what happens within his mind in every moment.

Then, my friend said “some months ago when I was telling you – within an argument – about the same topic: The WAY we express ourselves you didn’t consider what I was saying and you kind of sent me to hell”. - Now that I am looking at this through self-writing, I am able to consider that this dude probably is speaking about that issue based on how he felt within the past, therefore what I am listening to are conclusions that to me appear from nowhere.

At that moment I started reacting within myself, because what I was hearing from him was basically only stuff from the past and I noticed that he didn’t even say “yes” or “no” to my idea/proposal.

I continued listening to him without saying anything, because I wanted to put things clear within myself first instead of creating another argument or just saying shit from the past (I mentioned one point from the past within the conversation, but that will be material for another post).

Now – The idea I was proposing was because I have noticed recently that - within our rehearsals - we don’t have any clear direction. I mean, one of the guys is new and he doesn’t say much. Another one always plays the same songs and it’s like I go there and half of the band seems like they are just in automatic mode, while believing we are flowing as self-expression. 

Anyways, the point is that yesterday I perceived that while being in the car with my friend, he was kind of “taking advantage” of the situation - like releasing all that for some reason was suppressed from the past within himself - because if I propose an idea, is it of common sense to mention your frustrations from the past? Isn’t a result of your frustrations to be in a band just as a physical exercise because your ideas were apparently sent to the trash in the past? Why would I be in a band if I realize I am not being heard and supported? – Because you are still feeding yourself from it, right? Therefore it is related to self-interest, because I am probably looking for “feeling good” while playing, but when you look for “feeling good” what you are looking for is an experience, it’s not an unconditional expression as yourself within music, therefore you are playing in a band because you don't want to be alone. The same mechanism that functions within relationships. You don't break up with your partner because you prefer having some physical action once in a while instead of having to masturbate all alone at home = self-interest.

Another point is that saying an idea to a band and being apparently “rejected” and not having your band motivated with your idea is not my fault, it’s the band’s responsibility. So, in saying “you didn’t value me”, you are placing yourself outside of the band. Not as One and Equal, but separate.

Now that I am analyzing the whole context again I realize that there is a “desire for revenge” within myself. This is not of course something related to violence in any way whatsoever. It’s basically the desire to be “right” and making my friend realize that he was just speaking bullshit, but in doing so, I wouldn’t be living the band as One and Equal, because I should be able to continue with more ideas even though I may feel “rejected”, because instead of crying, I prefer trying without "feeling", but BEING unconditionally without experiencing the desire to win an argument or the desire for revenge.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the desire for revenge when analyzing that what my friend said could have been driven by his emotions and perception from the past events he experienced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be right and make another person feel they are only speaking bullshit, without seeing, realizing and understanding that in doing so, I am only perpetuating a cycle of arguments instead bringing about solutions in common sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label my friend as a “frustrated person”, because he mentioned that in the past his ideas were rejected and not valued instead of saying “I am in” or “I am out”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that my friend was "taking advantage" of the situation in order to release from within all that he suppressed from the past, without realizing it was just him expressing himself and that I didn't have to take it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when a person is expressing himself/herself and mentioning stuff from the past while I perceive they want me to experience regret through their words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to quit the band, because I don’t want to feel that I am wasting my time and doing what I do only for pleasing others; being there only to make their “physical exercise” happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in believing that I am “wasting my time”, I am participating in a polarity equation, because if my band is not doing what I want, that means that I am inferior = doing what they want - without realizing that what we have to do is what we want to do as one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see my band members as equals when it comes to ideas and proposals, because they apparently don’t value what I do = we are not aligned = I feel rejected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration after being rejected when I proposed an idea for the band.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to say “if you don’t change into what I want, I am going to quit, because I don’t want to waste my time with you”, without seeing, realizing and understanding that a member from the band already did that in the past and the result was that he came back to the band without being able to keep his decision, therefore placing conditions within the band is not the solution, because it has to be an agreement, otherwise I will only perpetuate the same cycle from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take advantage of certain situations where I noticed someone is proposing something I already proposed in the past that was rejected, in order to say “ah, now you realize it was a good idea but, you know what? It’s too late now”, so they can experience regret for the “huge opportunity” they missed through rejecting my ideas and proposals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that when a person remains in silence within a discussion that means that I am right = I won the argument.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when a person is in silence and listening to all I am saying it doesn’t mean that I am right, that might also mean that they are just listening in self-awareness instead of being focused on “winning”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that arguments are to win or lose, without seeing, realizing and understanding that when the principles of Oneness and Equality are applied = everybody wins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach my band based on self-interest through expecting “feeling good” while playing, instead of applying the principles of Oneness and Equality and be an unconditional expression of who I am within and as music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I participate in frustration every time I bring past experiences to my current existence, because in doing so, I am thinking and believing that the past will determine the present and thus, the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become tired of trying and trying with new ideas for the band and now just focusing on my own experience without considering everyone’s starting points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if I became tired of trying with new ideas and proposals that means that my starting point beneath those ideas and proposals was based on energy. Energy that vanished, therefore it was not an unconditional physical expression as who I am = It wasn't real as who I am. It was dependent on energy = Not a real physical Expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not ask myself in self honesty “why am I in this band?” and just doing it, without seeing, realizing and understanding that in not having a clear starting point within myself, I am just following my feelings and emotions in every moment while looking for experiences that will make me feel good while being in a band instead of standing up, speaking it out and finding solutions that will function as the best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that constantly participating in music without a clear starting point will create habits within the band that if they are not directed, they will become the unconscious purpose of the band = playing without considering becoming better at what we do, because even mistakes may become habits within songs when you are not committed in self-awareness towards having it nicely done for the next time.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing frustration because I perceive that my ideas are not being considered and/or valued, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I don’t need to remain within frustration and project it into the future to then stop giving more ideas based on a “bad” experience from the past, because that would be the past manifesting towards the future, without being myself able to give myself direction in every moment of every breath.

I commit myself to live my ideas as an unconditional expression of myself without feeling frustrated if people don’t accept them immediately.

When and as I see myself expecting to get a positive response to my ideas and then finding out the opposite (Rejection), I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I cannot expect that people will respond to my ideas in the way I want, because they first have to analyze and understand and then, there might be points I am not considering, therefore I have to be willing to listen to them as I like to be heard when I give my ideas.

I commit myself to not expect a positive response after giving an idea, because that would lead me to experience frustration and then the manifestation of that frustration into the future. Therefore, I commit myself to not depend on positive responses to my ideas to continue expressing them.

When and as I see myself speaking from my past experiences when someone is proposing ideas in the present, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that every moment is a new opportunity to change and that I cannot accept and allow my past experiences to determine who I am now.

I commit myself to not be influenced by my past experiences in my present, because I see, realize and understand that every breath is a new and different opportunity to change and become better within our self-expression.

When and as I see myself feeling positive like “winning” because the person I am talking to remains in silence, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the silence is an opportunity to learn, therefore within learning the concept of “win” and “lose” does not exist, because learning is for oneself, not a competition.


I commit myself to stop and breathe when I start experiencing myself as positive because I have perceived that I won, because I see, realize and understand that life is not a competition and the only way I have to stop the polarity of winner/loser is through always looking for that which is best for all, because there is when everybody wins.

martes, 16 de junio de 2015

Public Accusation (Day 91)


I was on Facebook when I saw that a picture with a short comment was published.

The picture was shot from inside a public bus where it showed the bus patent/license.

The comment said: I want to denounce a discriminatory act committed by a bus driver. Today at 9:30 am there were an old lady and a handicapped gentleman outside (bus stop) and they wanted to get in the bus. The bus stopped a little further and the lady outside asked and begged the bus driver to move the bus backwards so they could get in the bus, but the bus driver didn't want to and the most awful thing what was he said "I don't transport sick people, I won't waste my time for free". Although I told the bus driver to take the 2 people inside the bus, he refused to and he continued driving without even considering how cold it was outside. This is the bus patent. Let's stop being unaware people!.

Now - These types of accusations/denunciations have become popular in my country (Chile) recently and have enormously increased due to social networks. I have seen accusations like this published before where a person is accused for doing different things and I understand that some people are tired of having to deal with thieves, pederasts, "rude people" (such as the bus driver), etc.  but they are only using their "good intentions" to stop all of these "abusive behaviors" through public accusation...hmm...

My question is: Is this really the solution?

Let's imagine the following together: I get to know all the information about the bus driver who committed the "terrible action" of discriminating two handicapped people. Then, I get in a bus and suddenly I realize "Oh, this is the bus driver that discriminated two people the other day!" - What am I supposed to do that will change our previous "unaware" state into self-awareness that will create a change in this world into that which is the best for all? Am I supposed to objurgate the bus driver? Am I supposed to give him a new testament? Am I supposed to tell him "Sir, you are wrong. You have to change", Am I supposed to tell everyone on the bus that the bus driver is a bad person, therefore we have to lynch him in order to heal him with our good intentions? Am I supposed to tell the bus driver's boss that he did something wrong, therefore they should fire him, because that would apparently support the bus driver within his self-awareness process to then become a better person?

I see people everywhere denouncing other human beings' actions. But as we are all full of anger, hate, resentment, frustrations, we just love to project all our shit into others and then observing how they suffer the consequences as if it was a mid age ritual where we all purge our sins while causing suffering onto another human figure that represents each of us, but separate from us.

The truth is that the only thing that I see through these "ways of changing the world into a better place" is the perpetuation of blame where we all represent the role of a victim instead of a self-responsible human being that brings about solutions.

If you ask me what would I do if I had the bus driver in front of me, I would:

First, I would see in self-honesty what aspects of his behavior/personality I am able to see that create reactions within me.

Then "I would do my homework". in other words; I would change myself within those points, because my reactions - as thoughts, feelings and emotions - are showing me that the driver's behavior is also existing within myself - otherwise they would be invisible/imperceptible to me.

I would probably be able to experience gratefulness for meeting that man without approaching him full of already constructed social burdens.


After that, I would kiss his cheek and would become his friend instead of his enemy - It brings more chances to create a change together. Don't you think so?- Because I would be able to really know that bus driver beyond his pre-programmed reactions and so I would also be able to realize and understand what creates the reactions within himself, because I had already learned how to manage the same reactions within myself. 

And finally, I could even say "I was able to see myself in that bus driver and I decided to change myself first instead of blaming him".- That would be a proof that we are ready to really support him within his "healing process".

Another question would be: What is stopping us from doing this?

We have existed within this system based on punishment in order to "heal" human beings. We have been doing the same for centuries. Isn't that enough proof that those mechanisms are not even close to the real change? Because we try to stop the fire with more fire and every time we are hit by a rock in our chests we look behind in order to catch the one who did it, without applying common sense. We are conditioned to act the same, repeating and perpetuating cycles within time while feeling proud because we are apparently living the "evolution" of mankind, but the only thing I honestly see are primitive beings with iPhones. - hm and I am not totally sure, because we are probably less unaware than primitives.- Just saying here.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the real way to stop the abuse in this world is through punishment and public accusation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that punishment and public accusation are part of the same old cycles that have existed for many centuries that haven't created any real change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in these old mechanisms of "ways of changing the world into a better place" while believing I am fostering self-awareness and a real change in this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to simply believe what I read when other people make public accusations without questioning the facts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when other beings' behavior/attitudes create a reaction within myself it is an indicator that is telling me that I have the same behavior/attitudes existing within myself, otherwise I wouldn't be able to decode them, therefore I have to direct them within myself first instead of blaming and participating within and as the victim character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the starting point within my participation in the belief that public accusation is the key that will bring about a change to this world is fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every decision I make based on fear, will create more and more fear within and without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as fear in this world and thus, I have participated in old methods that apparently heal human beings instead of becoming aware that we are actually perpetuating the same cycles from the past and bringing them to our current existence over and over again, because we have not been taught how to do it differently and so we hide behind the belief that "it's always been like this".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that fire against fire will not stop the fire. It will actually make it exist forever unless we come to the commonsensical realization that this has to stop and that we must become the solution by standing up and becoming a living example instead of a spectator.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that in making public accusations I am standing up and changing this world without realizing that I am actually creating the same shit I am blaming/hating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that this world has to change, but I haven't done anything about it, because it is easier to hide behind one's beliefs instead of becoming a self-responsible human being that doesn't wait until he/she is asked "Who wants to change?", because he/she is already changing without expecting the question as a public accusation that will appear on your Facebook wall as when you are invited to an event and you only press the "I will attend" or "share" button.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing a situation where I feel frustrated and/or angry, I stop and breathe. I realize that I want to project all that frustration and anger into a person who is apparently to blame, because I haven't directed that behavior that I hate from others within myself first.

I commit myself to direct the points that are presented in others as a mirror within myself first instead of perpetuating the system of victimization that has existed here for many centuries and that has not changed anything.

When and as I see myself believing that public accusation/denunciation is the key to change this world, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that public accusation may be a tool to prevent certain issues, but it can also be abused and fueled by anger, frustration and revenge to cause damage onto others instead of creating a real healing process and thus, a change in this world.

I commit myself to not immediately react to a public accusation believing everything, because I see, realize and understand that I might be supporting another being's anger and frustration, instead of their proposals to bring about a change to this world into that which best for all.

sábado, 13 de junio de 2015

Plasticity: Let it flow (Day 90)


This is a post related to the Previous One where I mentioned when a friend used the word "Plasticity" to refer to the ability one has to change/adapt oneself within different context and/or change one's opinion.

I realized that Plasticity as a concept can be abused when attaching oneself to it without self-honesty, because as it's a natural process living organisms experience, you can justify/excuse yourself and the concept may switch from Plasticity to Self-Manipulation and/or lack of Self-Commitment and you might be fucking it up while believing you are doing it great.

Another one is the expression "Let it flow". I use/used it a lot, because I mostly improvise when I go out. In other words I don't usually follow a plan, because events may change and I prefer to adapt myself to the different contexts that emerge. But, in self-honesty, I remember using that expression in order to avoid committing myself to help/support another person. 


For instance a friend once asked me to help him translating some lyrics from Spanish into English. He said "I will be in my house tomorrow afternoon, so you can come and we can work on the lyrics". What I said was "Cool, but I don't know what I will be doing tomorrow afternoon. It may happen that I feel too tired and I preferred to sleep, or I might go somewhere else, but I will call you". - What I see here is that I expressed myself as Self-Interest. I didn't place myself in my friend's shoes. I didn't see at first that he needed my help. I placed my self-interest first, because I didn't want to leave my comfort zone. Fortunatelly, I realized that shit and I went to my friend's house and we worked on the lyrics, but my first reaction was only Excuses and Justifications from the starting point of energy-based self-interest.

The problem is that I used to use the expression "Let it flow", thinking and believing that I was being Honest, but the truth is that I was not living Self-Honesty, because when you are Self-Honest you don't need to use your Self-Interest as a starting point based on how "good" / "positive" you will feel when doing something. Within real Self-Honesty you are able to see, realize and understand that you are not even "flowing" as a Living Expression and that you are actually acting as a Mind System/Organic Robot that obediently seeks for Self-Interest and Energy.

It's interesting to realize how we, human beings foolish ourselves through the words we speak.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the expression "let it flow" in order to not commit myself to support other people when they ask for help instead of just saying "no" immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in using the expression "let it flow" I am being honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing myself to support others because I would apparently stop being "free" to use my time in self-interest while looking for energy through my experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the expression "let it flow" in order to amalgamate myself based on self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - instead of saying "no" when a person asks me for something - use the expression "let it flow", because I might "feel" like getting a "good experience" in the future, but I fear planing it today, because think I might not have a good experience when having to physically move myself in real time towards what I previously agreed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear using the word "no", because others might define me as an "evil person", without realizing that "no" can be a self-honest expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined as an "evil person" by others instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the real evil is the one who lives based on selfishness and fears to say "no" and instead, uses the expression "let it flow", because he/she might "need" the energy of others in the future = Self-Interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not use the word "no" and instead use the expression "let it flow", because if I commit myself to help others, a "better" chance may show up and I fear ending up thinking "why did I agree to do this? I should have said no and now I would be having way more fun than here".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hang out with people based on how much fun I am going to have, instead of enjoying my self-expression with them unconditionally without making comparisons.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my friends as "the fun ones" and "the boring ones" and based on that, I think "how do I feel today?" and then I make a decision based on how I would like to feel instead of being an unconditional companion as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in becoming "Plasticity" I am aligning myself with life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in doing so, I am only moving in self-interest and self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear commitments because I have related them to "the things I don't want to do", like when I was in school and I had to do my homework instead of being "free" and just playing the guitar while having fun with my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that in having commitments I am not going to be free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being "free" is having no commitments, without realizing that being free has nothing to do with "thinking" and/or "believing".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a negative reaction to the word "commitment", because I have related that word with some events that happened in my childhood and adolescence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by my past experiences when connecting them with my current reality as words/concepts instead of deconstructing them, re-definining them and finally living them as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in making a connection between my past experiences and my current reality is a manifestation of my pre-programmed sub-conscious mind that is influencing how I live/experience my current existence in this world.

Self-Corrective/commitment Statements

When and as I see myself using the expression "let it flow", I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I have abused that expression based on self-interest and fear of commitments because of my past experiences stored within my pre-programmed sub-conscious mind where I have connected the word "commitment" with "enslavement" and therefore, I would amalgamate and change as Plasticity in the pursue of "positive experiences" while thinking, believing and perceiving that I am being honest with the beings in my world.

I commit myself to stop using the expression "let it flow" as a mechanism to perpetuate self-interest while believing I am being honest.

When and as I see myself experiencing fear to say "no", I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that saying "no" exists within self-honesty and that's way more honest than saying "let it flow" or "then we will se what happens" and having another person depending on me.

I commit myself to start applying the word "no" when I am not able to help someone, without feeling "bad" or fearing that they might label me as an "evil person".

When and as I see myself reacting negatively to certain words/concepts, I stop and breathe. I realize that if I react it's because I might be connecting my past experiences stored within my pre-programmed subconscious mind with my current reality instead of seeing/accepting/living my present as what it is.

I commit myself to continue applying self-writing in self-honesty when it comes to words/concepts, because every time I do it I continue learning more about myself and thus, I can free myself from the patterns that have kept me enslaved = Fucking it up while believing I am doing it great.

viernes, 12 de junio de 2015

Part III: Stop Smoking (Day 89)

This is part III, continuing with my previous posts:

Part I: Stop Smoking (Day 84)
Part II: Stop Smoking (Day 86)


During this week I met a friend I hadn't seen for a couple of months and he mentioned he had stopped smoking. It was cool to realize that there was another person walking the same point as me. He mentioned that smoking started causing him headaches and he actually felt sick after doing it.

Then we went to his house and after a while he said he wanted to smoke, but there were no cigarettes, so he couldn't smoke.

We continued talking about many things that I will probably share in my next posts, because this friend knows about Desteni and every time we meet we share insights and we learn from each other.

I told him about self-manipulation and the 2 mechanisms one tends to use in order to manipulate self, which are Excuses and Justifications.

Suddenly he says "Well, it's not necessary to attach oneself to a RULE of not smoking anymore, we don't need to be like a priest or zen monk, because there exists what it's called Plasticity and the right to change our opinions. The main idea is not to abuse cigarettes. That's the key".

For a moment, I thought he was right, but I realized later that I had started to label/judge myself as a priest, monk or any other orthodox being who walks a decision as a penitence or something like that. I thought: Yeah, he is right. I don't need to do this forever. I can smoke once in a while without feeling bad about it for not "respecting" my own self-commitment.

But, you know what? - Wouldn't that be an Excuse/Justification? Because in self-honesty I can say that I am not stopping smoking in order to be forgiven by a specific deity or anything like that. I am not doing this driven by guilt/regret. People may compare me with an orthodox priest/monk, but I am not what other people think of me. So, labeling myself as an orthodox and then saying "I don't want to be an orthodox, therefore, I will smoke" would function as an Excuse and/or Justification in order to not be here as who I am breath by breath, in self-honesty.

Yesterday I met my friend again and I asked him "Have you smoked?" and he said "Yes. Plasticity, you know". For some reason I felt bad about him and then I thought "Most people's personalities are not really self-commited and if you are constantly looking for Excuses and Justifications in order to Deconstruct your self-commitments, of course you will find them, but in the end you won't achieve anything = you will continue perpetuating the same system and creating no change".

Now, I remember one of our chats and this friend once said that we are no longer living in Post-Modernity. We are actually living Trans-Modernity wherein each human being is constantly and continuously Transiting or Transcending = Changing.

He explained that in the past researchers got conclusions through their conducted studies and those were used to define/establish new paradigms in order to be applied within the system/society, but those paradigms remained stuck and were not realistic, because they never considered that the researcher's perspective Mutates/Transcends as well as the observed phonomenon.

This is of course something I totally agree with, because I can see it in reality. For instance in education. There are lots of approaches/paradigms that you as a teacher can pick, apply and blindly believe it as "the most effective one", until one day you realize "This is not working anymore", because generations have changed. We must be constantly and constinuously adapting ourselves to the context, because the context won't adapt to ourselves. 


This is something you can prove by observing the "evolution" of other living species. For instance Roses (plants), they developed thorns as a "defense mechanism", in order to adapt themselves to their context and to avoid being eaten by birds and little mammals.

Basically what my friend meant was: In attaching yourself to only one paradigm (not smoking) is not related to life principles, because all living species Mutate/Transcend and so does the human being.

But, the way I see it now is that I am "mutating", because I was a smoker for about 13-14 years straight and I am currently developing a "defense mechanism" in order avoid being eaten by my Mind System as Excuses and Justifications, because I have proven that in participating within my mind as the desire to smoke - and other pre-programmed patterns as well - causes pain/damage in my throat, which unables me from speaking effectively (as a teacher) and singing (as a musician). Therefore, what I am doing is for myself/my body within my context in order to Transcend/Mutate my pre-programming - as well as roses have done - and in doing so I am giving birth to my Life as the Physical, as All, as One, as Equal.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself with orthodox beings for stopping smoking and as a result, I started judging/labeling myself and desired to smoke again in order to avoid looking like an orthodox.

I forgive mysel that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being labeled by other people as an orthodox.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that in stopping smoking I will become an orthodox, without seeing, realizing and understanding that every human being that blindly follows the mind as thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires, excuses, justifications, etc are orthodoxes of the mind system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that in being self-commited as self-honesty within a point that is the best for me/my body/my health, I won't be able to experience myself as life, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that self-honesty and self-commitment are the living principles that foster Oneness and Equality as what is Best for Me and Best for All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that walking in self-honesty and self-commitment is the key to bring about a Change to this world, a Change human beings must experience as a "Transition", as "Mutation" as well as the Nature and other Living Species have done so far, where we will no longer participate in this world as an Orthodox of the Mind System while fooling ourselves through Knowledge and Information, as Excuses and Justifications to avoid standing up and change from withIN to withOUT = becoming One and Equal, fostering what is Best for All.

Self-Commitment/Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself judging myself as an orthodox for stopping smoking, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the real orthodox is a person who blindly follows the mind system without deconstructing it.

I commit myself to continue deconstructing myself within this process of self-honesty and self-commitment in order to release myself from the mind system and start living freedom as self-responsible and self-honest participation away from pre-programmed mind patterns.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am not really living because of my decision to quit smoking, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that "not living" is actually being a mind program that uses knowledge and information as Excuses and Justifications in order to remain stuck without standing up and committing self to change from within to without as well as plants and other living species have done as living examples.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I find new excuses and justifications that I might use in order to manipulate myself, so I will be able to bring myself back here and remember who I am as life and then continue walking my self-commitments in self-honesty without participating in the mind as the desire to smoke.