The main reason I am not smoking is because the other day I had a performance with my band - where I sing and play the guitar - then I smoked a lot and my throat started hurting like never before. The pain I experienced through my human physical body was interpreted by me as a sign: I must stop.
Yesterday while talking with my friends about this, I remembered the reason why I started smoking and it was ridiculous. I used to play the guitar with a friend; "V". He once invited me a cigarette, I accepted and then, I continued playing the guitar and singing until he suddenly said "Dude, you know what... you sing way better when you smoke. Your voice sounds more powerful. Like if there was something being destroyed from within to without" - Of course it sounded like something being destroyed: my voice - But I continued smoking for 14 more years.
The pain I experienced in my throat a few days ago got me very worried and I remember having a backchat within myself while having the highest peak of the pain: "If there's anyone here, like a dimensional being within myself, would he/she suggest something right now?" lol and then another backchat came as a response "You know, it doesn't matter if I give you a piece of advice, because you wouldn't consider it. Plus, the only suggestion that I would tell you will create friction within you, because you know what you have to do".
I realized that I have been conditioned to smoke cigarettes after or before certain things I do. For instance when you are in a restaurant and the waiter already took the order, that would be a perfect moment for me to smoke. Then, another cigarette after eating, then other 5-6 cigarettes while being in my car talking with my friends, and so on. I was able to smoke 20 cigarettes a day sometimes.
I have also noticed that during these days without smoking I am eating more, probably caused by anxiety. It's like I "need" or "I think I need" something to be placed in my mouth as a "rebound" after "breaking up" with cigarettes lol.
My friend "A" quit smoking a couple of months ago and when I told him today "This is my 3rd day without smoking" he said "I remember walking that stage, where I was concerned about how many days had passed without smoking, but then I stopped that shit, because it's not relevant". This was a cool insight, because why do I need to count? Am I going to be "better" if I get more days without smoking?
Another point "A" mentioned was "Don't suffer. Try to focus on the cool shit about not smoking. Like…you don't smoke BUT you get something much better". So - I interpreted that as "whenever I start resisting it, remember the starting point; I am doing it for my body/health, because I decided this".
Right now I remember how smoking feels and there still exists this doubt within myself "Will I be able to continue without smoking?", "Will I be able to not succumb to the temptation?" lol
I even reacted with fear of writing about this topic, because in case I "fail", I wouldn't like to become like "The dude that can't keep his own words/decisions", because I would feel exposed. But I realize these are only self-judgments and I don't need them. I have to walk what I have decided in self-honesty as a self-commitment in order to become self-responsibility towards my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear writing about this topic, because I picture myself failing and people thinking/saying "we always knew you were not able to stop smoking, because you are too weak to keep your own words".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture myself meeting the people I have always smoked with and reacting weird to me, like saying "come on dude!" and then smoking again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself under the label "I am not able to do this", "I am too weak to keep my words".
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-judgments into my friends that still smoke and that have no idea that I quit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on someone/something separate from me as a backchat to give me a piece of advice, instead of realizing that the pain in my throat should be enough to start taking self-responsibility for my human physical body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the desire to smoke before/after eating and while being in my car, without realizing that the desire is only my pre-programmed mind that always determined when I smoked in the past and as now that's not happening, I "feel" that I "need" something in my mouth in order to cover/distract myself from the desire to smoke.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to count the days I haven't smoked in order to then label myself as "I haven't smoked for __ days" as a way to validate myself, because I would feel "proud" and "positive", without realizing that my body doesn't need to smoke and that should be enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to depend on a number related to the days I haven't smoked so as to prove myself that I am not weak.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture myself saying "you know what, fuck this shit, I will smoke".
When and as I see myself reacting with the desire to smoke a cigarette, I stop and breathe. I realize that the desire is just a program that has been running within my mind for 14 years and that I have followed accordingly without considering the damage I have caused in my throat and lungs.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when the desire to smoke a cigarette shows up, in order to bring myself back here and remember that I am living a decision that is the best for my human physical body.
When and as I see myself thinking "Fuck this shit, I will smoke", I stop and breathe. I realize that I am using that thought/backchat as self-manipulation in order to justify the desire.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I react with the thought "Fuck this shit, I will smoke", so as to remember that I have decided this and that I won't accept and allow my mind to tell me what to do through its thoughts and backchats.