jueves, 30 de julio de 2015

I Often Imagine How People Would React to My Death (Day 103)


I saw a picture with this message “I often imagine how people would react to my death” and I found out it was part of a movie called Submarine. I watched the movie and what I saw within the scene wherein the main character was imagining how people would react to his death was not different to what I have imagined within myself during my life.

I remember having the same backchat / internal conversation within myself. For instance, within my first job as a teacher, I remember thinking “What would be my students reactions to my death?” and I was able to see my funeral and my students saying some words, some of them crying, leaving me drawings and things like that. I also imagined my family and friends all together within the same scenario and what I saw were their thoughts / backchats going “Wow, he was a cool person / teacher / musician, but most of all, he was a great human being. It is a pity that he is not with us anymore.” lol.

I wonder; why would I have those thoughts within myself? What was I looking for? What was the purpose of placing myself in that fabricated mind-based context? What did I want to prove to myself?
I would say that I wanted to be accepted / recognized and having people telling me that I was doing well. For instance within my first job context I always thought I was being observed / judged by some kind of authority, because many times my bosses placed themselves outside the classrooms and had a look through the window. When I saw them, my first backchat was “Am I doing something wrong?” and for some reason I ended up judging my classes as “not good enough”. Even though I always had students telling me they loved my classes, I felt insecure, especially when I started working with movies, documentaries, music and all the things I like, because I realized I was not 100% based on what a teacher of English generally does.

So – This situation sometimes led me to the thoughts and imaginations about my death, because within that context and according to my perception, people would open up and say from their hearts their opinions about me. And it’s funny, because all I was able to imagine was good stuff from them lol.

It’s like, through imagining my death, I created a whole experience within myself where I told myself “You are doing well. You are good. Look at those students suffering. They need you. They love you. Look at your family, look at your band, look at your friends” and then I would embrace that energy and use it to feel better and sure about myself.

It’s funny, because there are many ways through which you can have real feedbacks. For instance, I could have invited another teacher to one of my lessons in order to get some feedback. I could have asked my students for some feedback through an anonymous survey, etc.

So – What I am able to see now is that having those thoughts and imaginations were indicators of self-limitation, because I was not doing something real / physical in order to expand myself. I was only hiding and using my mind to tell me good stuff in order to feel good and sure. I was not walking the self-judgment physically as concrete facts.

There is a song also related to this called “Faking my own suicide” by Relient K. Within the lyrics a guy pretends he dies in order to create an emotional reaction on his girlfriend. He wants his girlfriend to reveal all her love once being placed in a fake context. Then, after she opens up and says “I would have loved to marry him”, he shows up again. – A very manipulative way to get what you want, right?

What would be the experience that guy was having inside? Probably he thought he was not good enough or that her girlfriend did not love him and he wanted to get that positive reward as energy that would make him happy.

The same that has happened to me; feeling insecure and wanting to know people’s real feelings towards me in order to stop feeling bad and start feeling better once having what I apparently need; a deeper positive feeling as motivation to stop the self-judgments and continue living through a different perception / belief / idea.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need positive energy as motivation to stop judging myself as not good enough when comparing myself with other people that I defined as good/better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea / belief that I am not good enough through comparing myself with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paranoid after I noticed that during my first job as a teacher I was being observed through the door window and after that, I was constantly checking if there was someone there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when having bosses having a look through the door window, because I immediately thought “Am I doing something wrong?” and I became possessed by anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label myself as not good enough to the eyes of some students/bosses and as a way to wanting them to know who I really was, I imagined my death and those people witnessing my students, family and friends saying good stuff about me, and then they thinking “Oh, we were wrong about him. He was a great human being”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a whole ball of positive energy through imagining my death and people reacting saying good stuff about me, in order to use it to feel better / accepted.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that when I am experiencing death through my mind and imagination, it’s an indicator that I am limiting myself and that I want control over circumstances , instead of developing self-control, self-trust as self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that through imagining how people would react to my death shows to me that I support manipulation through feelings and emotions, because if the thought/imagination of my death exists where I see people becoming emotional and thus, saying all the positive feelings they have towards me is because I desire to have people having those feelings towards me so as to feel accepted / valued.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself with all the mistakes I have made throughout my life and thus, accept myself instead of looking for acceptance through something / someone separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to expand myself as the physical through asking for support / different perspectives in order to get feedbacks that may function as a contribution to continue walking this process of correcting myself to that which is the best for all life.

I forgive myself that have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the death-related thoughts / backchats / imagination where inserted within my subconscious mind layer when in the past X used to say “You will miss me when I am dead. Then you will realize all I have done for you, but it will be late” and also when I was told that X and Y pretended they were dead when I was a child because they wanted to know what my reaction would be; crying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have pretended I vanished / disappeared / died when I was about 3- 4 years old after X went to buy some bread and as I became scared and angry because X didn’t let me know, I hid inside a basket so as to see X’s reaction as a revenge by the time X came back; started screaming and became desperate.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this mind pattern related to death as a way to find out something or to gain certain positivity has been built up throughout my whole life and that I am the only one who can stop it after this realization that has opened up through self-forgiveness.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself imagining how people would react to my death, wherein I see some of them experiencing remorse, while others saying positive messages towards me, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am participating in memories that are stored within my subconscious mind layer that now emerge as conscious thoughts / backchats when I feel insecure and I want to feel accepted / recognized, instead of directing myself within and as the physical through walking self-limitations with no mind participation.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I realize I am imagining how people would react to my death, in order to stop my participation within my mind and be able to apply a deeper self-introspection through writing self-forgiveness where I open up other dimensions that exist beneath the surface that once being directed / addressed will support me within this process of self-deprogramming and taking self-responsibility for my mind system.

When and as I see myself wanting feeling insecure and using my mind system to place myself in fabricated scenarios wherein I only imagine people having positive thoughts / opinions about me that I use to feel better / accepted / recognized, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that if I want to have a feedback in order to expand my skills, I can ask for support and thus, have concrete data from the physical instead of participating within mind fucks that have nothing to do with real life.

I commit myself to as for support / feedback when I feel insecure about something I am doing, so as to work on / with what is real; the physical, through sharing my doubts = REAL COMMUNICATION -  after I have worked on the previously through self-forgiveness - and being open and willing to listen to other suggestions that may cross-reference my realizations and be supportive for my process of self-correction to expand myself.

martes, 28 de julio de 2015

Self-Judgment Within Communication (Day 102)


I once was told that the “way” you express yourself, meaning; words, voice tonality, volume and body language can create different outcomes when trying to solve problems through communication.

I was told this after an argument and I didn’t pay attention to that person’s words, because in that moment I thought that he was just saying excuses while trying to victimize self and not wanting to first admit that he made a mistake because he took my words personally while within myself I thought I had expressed myself in full honesty about myself but nothing against him.

There’s a person in my family that is very similar to me; one of my sisters. I have been working on not reacting towards her when I don’t like the way she expresses herself and instead, I just breathe, listen and observe, because I realize that I am a lot like her, especially when I am sure I am “right” and that my suggestions may be a “contribution”, BUT, I realize that even though I may be “right” and that my perspective can be constructive, the “way” I express myself does not support an effective communication, because I create friction and thus, the outcome is not the best for all.

I had attached myself to the belief/idea that it did not matter the way I expressed myself, because if I was “right” and I was sure that my words were going to be supportive, then the reaction on others would be their own responsibility, meaning, if they felt “bad” because of the way I expressed myself, then it was them the ones that were placing themselves in an inferior position = they decide how to experience themselves through their thoughts, feelings and emotions.

So, I question myself now: Was my voice tonality expressing a suggestion/contribution? Was my body language calm and free from energy when I was making these suggestions? The answer is NO. Because most of the times when I have to express myself I feel I am under pressure. My facial expression is not relaxed and my voice goes in a kind of authoritarian tonality.

I remember that in the past I have had people telling me “It’s okay, but don’t get angry” and I went “I am not angry lol”, because I was not, BUT, due to my facial expression, body language and voice tonality, I looked and sounded angry.

Now – Why would I become stressed or under pressure while expressing myself? I can tell that it’s because of fear and self-judgments. Fear because I want to get out as soon as possible of that situation/context and thus, I apply the “faster” method based on “running” instead of walking step by step through breathing and making sure I am stable here in my body. Plus, I judge myself as a person who is not good at speaking in public and I get too focused on not making mistakes, that my intention of making a contribution becomes affected by my body language and voice tonality. So, I might be perceived as a person that expresses self in an angry/violent mood and thus, the people in my environment might have more reasons to take what I say personally and even though it is their responsibility the way they react to my words, I realize that I am not fully expressing myself breath by breath. I realize that I can work on this in order to become One and Equal in Thought, Word and Deed, in other words; I can expand myself and make a cohesion among the intention I have (thought), the words (voice tonality) and deed (Body language).

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the belief that I am not good at speaking in public and thus, judge myself and become stressed and under pressure when I have to express my ideas in front of the people in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have manifested the thoughts of self-judgment towards the unconscious mind layer when feeling my facial expression tense and not relaxed while at the same time my voice tonality becomes authoritarian when it comes to speaking in front of other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the ideas/beliefs other people might create towards me if they see me making a mistake when expressing myself in front of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have avoided speaking in public in the past because of the fear of being judged by others because of the possibility of being perceived as a troublesome person that speaks in an angry way who does not know how to express himself effectively in a different way.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to express myself equally in thought, word and deed due to the fear and self-judgments I have held onto.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to breathe when having to express myself in front of others in order to make sure I am stable here in my body and thus, being aware of my voice tonality and body language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get sweat when having to express myself in front of others because instead of breathing, being here listening in order to share my perspective I pay more attention to the beliefs and ideas of self that I hold onto and as a consequence I also get distracted from the conversation and I end up making no contribution, but only possessed by fear and self-judgment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced a relief in the past when I was hiding myself behind fear and self-judgments and when suddenly we all had to leave I thought “phew!” due to the stress I was building through fueling my mind with thoughts and backchats based on the beliefs/ideas I was holding onto.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have triggered the desire to be unnoticed - meaning not having to speak or asked for my opinion - when I had to express myself in front of people that I didn’t know very well and when it came to people that I knew, I did it through a rough voice tonality because of the the unconscious manifestation of my thoughts which contained fear and self-judgments that made my physical expression / body language more like a reaction of a defense mechanism instead of real expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned myself to activate a different behavior when I interact with people I know v/s when I interact with people I don’t know.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to express myself equally within all the contexts I participate in, because every time I have to do it, I ask my self-judgments for permission and then, I speak based on the way I feel.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see everyone as equals, because before expressing myself I judge the people around me when I do not know them very well and I immediately place them whether in the position of “more than me” or “less than me” and that ends up determining the way I express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become dependent on the way I feel in front of others to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed my expression when having people expressing towards me in the past, because I placed myself in the “less than them” / “passive” position while at the same time wanting to avoid a conflict, without realizing that the very conflict was going on inside me through attaching myself to self-judgments and fear, instead of being able to find solutions through an effective communication out of energetic movements.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the authoritarian way of expressing myself occurs because I don’t want to be seen as a weak person and even though the intention as the thought may be constructive/supportive within myself, my body language is showing me that I am not being self-honest as the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the belief that “It is people’s responsibility how they interpret and react to my words” because that has inhibit me from opening up other dimensions/layers that require direction within and without myself.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that the responsibility over the mind and its patterns/components is course each one’s, but the solution after applying self-responsibility and having insights/realizations through opening up certain dimensions must support everyone equally and not only me, otherwise it would be only based on self-interest with no consideration towards the world.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that even though it is people’s responsibility to decide how they react to what I express, I can avoid fueling their reactions through working on my own self-judgments within my self-expression with regards to body language and voice tonality, in order to understand that if I speak in a certain way/mood unconsciously, I am going to create friction, therefore I should try a different way to express myself so as to get a mutual understanding through effective communication.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself holding onto the belief/idea that I am not good at speaking in front of others, I stop and breathe. I realize and understand that I am responsible for how I am experiencing myself within those contexts, because I am fueling the belief/idea through thoughts and backchats that are based on self-judgment and fear and thus, I end up asking my mind for permission before expressing myself and that’s manifested through my physical when I sweat, when I activate the authoritarian voice tonality and when my facial expression becomes tense as indicators that I am not living self-expression unconditionally as the physical if I continue holding onto those beliefs/ideas of “who I am” through whether trying to be seen in a certain light or trying to avoid being seeing as what I have accepted and allowed myself to become as the mind system.

I commit myself to stop holding onto the belief/idea that I am not good at speaking in front of others and instead, to prove it physically when I have the opportunity to do it through breathing and becoming aware of my body language, facial expression and voice tonality.

When and as I see myself feeling my facial expression tense, feeling under pressure, sweating and feeling uncomfortable within my human physical body, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am judging myself and fearing what others may perceive from me and as a consequence, I end up not expressing myself in a comfortable/relaxed way.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when feeling uncomfortable within my human physical body when speaking in front of others, meaning; sweating, having a tense facial expression or an authoritarian voice tonality, in order to bring myself back here to the physical and realize that I am giving my power away to the self-judgment and fear and that I am the only one who can change it through stopping the mind as thoughts/backchats/feelings/emotions and instead, just expressing myself unconditionally through realizing that we are all equal and that such thing as “better than” / “less than” does not exist and that any mistake I may make through expressing myself in front of others is part of a learning process that can be changed/corrected for the next time.

When and as I see myself wanting to get out as soon as possible from a context where I have to express myself in front of others, I stop and breathe. I realize that wanting to run is not going to help, because that will enforce the thinking process and as a consequence, I will end up feeling uncomfortable within my human physical body, because I will not be expressing myself breath by breath while being calm and aware of my body language.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when wanting to get out as soon as possible from a context wherein I have to express myself in front of others, so as to ground myself, become stable in my body, give myself direction breath by breath, step by step through walking the situation, considering all the aspects that are being presented to me and then, once I am sure I am not participating in energetic movements, express myself while being aware of my body language, voice tonality and facial expressions and thus, be able to express myself effectively in a constructive way that will not only support me, but others as well equally.

sábado, 25 de julio de 2015

Judging My Own Reflection (Day 101)


Last week I met a friend from another city that I hadn’t seen for a couple of months and he mentioned something about a person who sometimes visits his house. He said that he does not like X’s attitude/behavior. He says that X drinks his beers when he is not at home and things like that. My friend said that once, he was running out of money and that he spent the last he had on some bread and when he got home, X had eaten my friend’s portion lol.

My friend said that he does not know how to handle this situation, because he does not want to be rude. He said that he would like X to realize that he has to change his behavior.

I told him that all we hate from other people is a reflection of ourselves, but my friend said that he is not like X in any way. He said that he tries to be empathetic and that he is able to place himself in other people’s shoes.

After listening to this, I reacted within myself. I remembered that this friend owes me some money since 2012 and I thought that he was not that “empathetic”, otherwise we would correct that behavior by paying me.

As I realized that my friend was not able to see the same patterns that he judges in X, I started paying lots of attention to his behavior and I became irritated every time he was around.

During this week I recorded a song. I wanted to share it with him. He paid attention to it only the first 30 seconds and then he started talking about another topic. Within myself I was backchatting “Shut up! No one cares about what you are saying. You have to learn to listen and to avoid interrupting. That’s not empathetic. Plus, your voice is too loud and invasive”. By the end of the song he said “It sounds cool” and I thought “How can you say that if you were talking during the whole song without really listening to it?”

Last night we went to a pub to see some live music and when he got in the car I judged his body, because he is kind of chubby and tall. So, when he got in, the whole car moved and I thought “This morbidly obese dude is crude and clumsy even physically”.

Then, I realized that all he was saying was judged by me as “stupid” or “not relevant”. For instance he had never been to the pub we went, so he started asking “Is this pub cool?” I said “Dude, why are you asking for opinions? The only way you have to really get to know something is through real experience. Opinions only support expectations and expectations occur within the mind. They are not relevant/real”. He said “I was told that this pub is similar to a Café in Viña del Mar”. – God, I was annoyed.

After that, we were in the cue waiting our turn to get in the pub and people’s voices got me irritated. When my friends touched me I thought “Don’t touch me!” lol. I wanted to move fast while I judged this and other friends as slow and morbidly obese.

What I realized is that I started paying too much attention to my friend’s behavior after he said that he was “empathetic” and that he hated people like X, without realizing that he was the same.

I also judged him because in one of our chats he said “I do what I say”, while within my mind I went “Oh yeah? You said you were going to pay me three years ago and… you also said that you were going to invite my band to play in a pub in your city and it never happened” lol.

I was not able to be tolerant, because I took personally what he said, because I apparently had the “proof” that he was not living the words he was saying.

It’s funny, because I believed I didn’t care about the fact that he never paid me or that he never did what he said. I thought that he was not realizing that the behavior he judged in X also existed within him, so that triggered all I had suppressed within myself towards my friend and thus, I reacted with backchats full of judgments.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have triggered all the judgments I had suppressed towards someone when I take personally what they are saying, because I apparently have the “proof” that they are not being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the words I share as pieces of advice when I say “All we see in others is a reflection of ourselves”, because I become judgments towards other people’s judgments that they throw up towards others and thus, I end up supporting the same shit instead of stopping/correcting it so as to create the change I want to see in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay too much attention to someone’s behavior when I judge them as not self-honest and as a consequence, I end up only seeing “negative aspects” on them that simultaneously trigger backchats/internal conversations full of judgments within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated/annoyed when I judge other people’s behavior when I think that they are not self-honest and, as a consequence, I turn into an authoritarian personality wanting everything to work my way, which includes moving faster, wanting people to avoid speaking louder, and avoiding physical contact with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that everything that a person I judged as not self-honest says is not relevant/important, therefore, they have to be quiet and listen, instead of speaking nonsense bullshit, because they interrupt instead of making a constructive contribution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people’s physical traits when I have been fueling my mind with thoughts, because then, I start back chatting about the way they move, their voice tonality, and how fast/slow they are able to move their physical bodies.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there are many words I have expressed/spoken that never became actions and that I wouldn’t like to have people judging me for that.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that even though I am in a process of self-realizations through self-honesty, there might be many aspects I haven’t realized that make me a not full self-honest being, therefore, what I am judging in other people must be addressed within myself through self-forgiveness instead of judgments, in order to release myself from those behaviors/patterns and thus, create a change so within as without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fueled my mind with backchats full of judgments instead of giving myself direction as self-responsibility in self-honesty so as to learn how to walk through situations like this and thus, be able to make a constructive contribution as words that I have lived as my own experience that can support others that are able and willing to change/correct themselves within the same patterns/behaviors.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself judging people as not self-honest because I apparently have the proof that what they say is not real, I stop and breathe. I realize that I do the same; say something and doing something different. Thus, instead of judging and/or taking it personally, what I should do is a self-introspection in self-honesty in order to see in which aspects I am doing the same that I judge.

I commit myself to apply self-forgiveness on the aspects I judge on others, in order to correct those behaviors/patterns and create the change applying the principle of equality; so within as without.

When and as I see myself fueling my mind with judgments towards someone, I stop and breathe. I realize that judgments can be used in a more constructive way without becoming annoyed/irritated and/or turning into an authoritarian personality.

I commit myself to use the judgments I have towards people in my environment in a constructive way, meaning, writing them down so as to see who I have accepted and allowed myself to be in those moments and thus, correct/change myself through self-forgiveness within the dimensions that may open up.

When and as I see myself becoming irritated/annoyed after I have been participating in backchats full of judgments, I stop and breathe. I realize that what I am experiencing is what I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself as a consequence of fueling my mind with thoughts when focusing too much on someone’s “negative aspects” after I have labeled them as “not self-honest” beings.


I commit myself to stop, breathe and bring myself back here in those moments when I have judged someone and I end up annoyed/irritated, in order to stop my participation within the judge/anger character and thus, be able to see, realize and understand that I am not being self-honest in that moment of reactions and that I have to give myself direction through taking self-responsibility and apply self-forgiveness to correct/change myself towards that which is the best for me and for all.

lunes, 20 de julio de 2015

Part II: Weed (Day 100)


Today it’s been a week without smoking weed, so I am going to write about how I have been experiencing this decision.

First of all, it’s been easier than I thought. I quit smoking cigarettes last May and I dare to say that – at least for me – cigarettes were harder to quit than weed. Even though I haven’t smoked any cigarette since I made the decision, the desire to smoke was there for many days. I actually now don’t like the smell of cigarettes and when someone starts smoking next to me I find it annoying and invasive.

In relation to weed, it has been cool to realize how I had conditioned myself to smoke it within certain moments just because I always did it and never questioned it. During this week I haven’t felt the desire to smoke as I experienced it with cigarettes; I actually realize that I don’t need it. I have been around it while some people smoke it and when my turn comes and I say “no, thanks”, I have gotten different reactions. For instance one of my friends said it was cool to be out of it at least for a while in order to be more awake. Another friend said that I don’t have to blame weed, because the change should be in relation to certain personalities/behaviors one accesses that are not only related to weed, but in many fields within one’s life. Some others reacted like they couldn’t believe it, but most of them expressed themselves with very cool and supportive perspectives.

Two days ago I went to a pub in a different city where smoking weed was kind of allowed and for one moment – while 2 of my friends were smoking – I thought about smoking. The desire came through the smell. I realized that the desire came as the thought “I want that too”. I was invited to smoke, but I said “No, thanks” and then I ended up opening up and sharing why I decided to quit. One person there said that the amount of joints I was smoking was too much and that the key was to do it in specific occasions, but not every day.

During last week I went to a gig to see one of my friends playing live and some of the guys that were there with me smoked weed. I noticed that most of the time they were not here. They were like wandering within their minds and when I asked them “are you okay?” they said “yeah, I was thinking stuff” – which is exactly what I want to avoid; thinking too much instead of being here.

Now – There are 2 points I would like to mention in relation to quitting cigarettes and weed. This is a comment one of my friends said that I had realized, but it was cool because I cross-referenced it. When I stopped smoking cigarettes I started eating more. It was like an unconscious “side effect” in order to put something in my mouth as a substitute. According to what my friend said, that behavior lasted 1 week. He said, “dude, after you quit smoking cigarettes you started inviting me to eat almost every day for about one week, but I said no, because I realized I was eating too much even when I wasn’t hungry and I was correcting that behavior” lol.

And finally, I have to say that I am not good at drinking alcohol, BUT now as I am not smoking cigarettes and weed, I have been drinking more. Again, repeating the pattern of putting something in my mouth as a sort of substitute. I normally drink a can of beer or a glass of something, but lately I have been abusing that limit, which is something not really supportive for me, because it seems like a not funny joke; you quit doing something but you start with another one.

The conclusion that I have gotten so far is that I have developed an addictive personality. Not only related to cigarettes, weed or alcohol, but in general. I mean, when I like doing something I get very excited and I become obsessive. I speak all day about it, I tell everyone about it, I do it every day, etc. -  That’s why it made lots of sense to me when one of my friends said that I don’t have to blame weed, because it goes beyond. It’s about me. It’s about what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, because I didn’t use weed in order to "forget about my problems" and things like that. It was more related to a repetitive pattern that I did just because it became "normal" within my environment.

Why am I quitting weed? - Because I want to deconstruct myself and stop my participation in patterns that enslave me to behaviors and personalities that inhibit me from being here as self-direction and self-expression. I am doing it because I refuse to follow a programming. I am doing it because I want to place myself in that situation so I can test and develop self-control and expand myself beyond self-limitations.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have triggered the desire to smoke weed through the smell, plus the thought “I want that too”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use substitutes after quitting smoking cigarettes and weed, such as food and alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop an addictive personality throughout time where every time I like something I become excited and I go out of control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessive when I like something, instead of breathing and being calm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that the patterns that I have been following like an organic robot are not only related to weed, but inserted in deeper layers within the personalities/behaviors that I access in certain situations/moments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fueled the mind system through the use of weed, without realizing that in doing so I am not supporting myself to develop self-awareness as constant/unconditional self-expression out of patterns/personalities/behaviors.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate myself within deeper layers, because I haven’t given myself the chance to stop the patterns that need to be stopped before going for that deeper introspection.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that in order to become free from programming, I have to stop the patterns/behaviors that I have been refusing to place in front of my face due to fears and self-judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind fears and self-judgment instead of realizing that what I am writing here is not “who I am”, it’s actually what have come to believe “who I am”, therefore I don’t have to be afraid of facing myself, because facing self will support me as the realization that writing is releasing the patterns/behaviors, but keeping them suppressed means that I am still holding onto beliefs and ideas of self that won’t allow me to transcend self-limitations.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself using substitutes such as alcohol or food because I have stopped smoking weed and cigarettes, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have physically conditioned my body to take something and place it in my mouth as part of my addictive/obsessive personality.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am placing something in my mouth in order to bring myself back here and see whether I am doing it because I am deciding it or just because I am following my programming as a repetitive pattern.

When and as I see myself thinking “I want that too”, when I smell weed or when I see people smoking it, I stop and breathe. I realize that actually I don’t really want that, because what I have decided is to avoid wandering within my mind so as to be here in this physical reality.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when the desire to smoke weed is triggered through the smell or because I see people doing it and apply self-forgiveness in that moment in order to release myself from the desire and thus, the possible justifications that may emerge.

When and as I see myself becoming too excited and/or obsessive because I am too focused on something that I miss my breath here within the physical reality, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can do what I do slowly but surely, instead of acting like the world is going to end tomorrow.


I commit myself to support myself within those moments wherein I see myself going too fast/excited/obsessive through breathing in order to make sure I am here as every breath and then continue walking instead of running out of control with no clear direction.

domingo, 12 de julio de 2015

Weed (Day 99)


Today it’s been two days without smoking weed and I have decided to quit. It’s not that I think that smoking weed is “bad”, “wrong” or "immoral". The reason why I am stopping is because of my relationship with it and other effects that were not supporting me in any way.

Most people say that when they smoke weed their physical pains stop. Well, in my case when I am experiencing a physical pain and I smoke weed I feel that the pain intensifies instead of decreasing.

Through walking this process of stopping the mind I have realized that when smoking weed I spend lots of time within my mind thinking and I get completely distracted from reality, because many things can happen around me, but I won’t be aware of it because I am too busy within my mind.

I also realize that when I am worried about something and I smoke weed, instead of feeling better, I feel worse and I have even felt my human physical body getting fraught about to collapse in a type of panic attack.

Another point that I noticed was that sometimes I used excuses when I made mistakes. I said “oh, I forgot to do that. I’m too high”- believing that the weed effect was responsible for what happened. For instance today I was driving in a wrong direction and I thought “it’s the weed. No, wait. I am not high. It’s me”.

Finally, I realized that everything was around weed and every time I went out with my friends we had to buy some, otherwise it was perceived that we were not going to have real fun, completely depending on it to do almost everything. Like a car that depends on gas to function.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need to smoke weed in order to have more fun when I go out with my friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated when dealers don’t have  weed for selling, because I think and believe that I am not going to enjoy every moment as I would enjoy them if I had weed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that smoking weed is going to make me feel better when I am worried about something, without realizing that the only thing I get through smoking is making my problems bigger within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that days without smoking weed are boring.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that when I smoke weed my thoughts get intensified instead of being released.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself unconditionally in order to stop my participation within my mind every time I smoke weed, because instead of being here in the physical, I get lost within my thoughts and imaginations.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself thinking that I am bored and that I have to smoke weed in order to enjoy myself, I stop and breathe. I realize that weed can give me a boost, but I would be "living" the word enjoyment through something separate from me, instead of living it as pure self-expression. I realize that the realization that I am bored comes as a thought, therefore it’s a perception that I have turned into a behavioral pattern that I obediently follow just because it has always been like that.


I commit myself to use this process of no smoking weed as a way to learn more about myself in order to stop self-dishonesties and be able to give myself direction in moments where I think that I am bored and that I require to smoke weed so as to support my process of stopping the mind instead of feeding it.

jueves, 9 de julio de 2015

Right & Wrong (Day 98)


This polarity as right/wrong was witnessed by me in a type of negative reaction as a moral judgment, therefore I would like to have a deeper look at this words/concepts so I can expand more beyond the collective understanding of what ethics/moral may be perceived/believed/thought to be.

The dictionary says about Ethics:

- The study of a general nature of morals and of the specific moral choices to be made by a person; moral philosophy.

-The rules or standards governing the conduct of a person or the members of a profession.

It is important to mention here that moral/ethics is not coercive, meaning that it does not use force or threats to make someone do something. 

So – Why would someone verbally/physically attack another person based on their morals and beliefs?

Let’s do not forget that Moral is – according to the dictionary:

Concerning or relating to what is right and wrong in human behavior.
- Based on what you think is right and good.
Considered right and good by most people: agreeing with a standard of right behavior.

Okay – Moral is related to what most people “think” and “believe” to be “right”. Therefore, a person who verbally/physically “attacks” another one based on the collectively constructed idea / opinion of what they think it is “Right” or “Wrong” goes through a process of Thinking and Believing. It also includes cognitive processes such as understanding, interpreting, analyzing, etc.

Now – I have another question; What makes people be so sure about their Thoughts and Beliefs? – I dare to say that it is due to Fear. Fear related to not having control over certain situations in your life/environment. To me using the typical moralistic argument in order to present yourself as something “more” and attack another person and try to make them feel “inferior” is a Defense Mechanism. Why would a defense mechanism be triggered? Because of Fear -  Fear of not being able to accept your reality, Fear of not taking self-responsibility and just going into a Victimization cycle that has been existing within yourself for so long. Therefore, the moral judgment as an attack based on what you think and believe to be right is showing you that all that you are seeing in the other person is just a reflection of yourself, but as it is easier to just blame others, you just take that option.

A person who attacks another person based on moral/ethics is not actually living the word/concept of moral/ethics. Plus, how can you make sure that your moral judgments are not being influenced by how you “think” and “believe” your reality is? How can you make sure that you are really seeing and accepting your reality in common sense and self-responsibility as self-honesty, instead of using the “Immoral” method of attacking through a “Moral Judgment”?

I realize that if I would attach myself to moral instead of common sense and self-honesty I would become an insane human being judging people everywhere, because according to my beliefs they would be doing something that it is “not accepted” within their "roles" in society. For instance, I could judge a woman for getting divorced, because to “my moral” that would be a failure and a "bad" example for her children, because my parents are still married, therefore my opinion and belief about what is “right” would be learned through what I observe and experience within my own bubble. You see? If we attach ourselves to morals, would we be able to place ourselves in other people’s shoes? Would we be able to understand this lifetime beyond our beliefs? The answer I have is NO, because each person can create their own moral based on how they were raised, their life experiences, their fears, etc.

So, my suggestion would be to stop conditioning ourselves based on moral/ethics, because the only thing we will get through it is to limit one-self from seeing and accepting reality as it is, because when one is able to really see reality and accept it as something that YOU have contributed to happen as well is when you are becoming self-responsible for your own mind (as thoughts, beliefs, ideas, feelings, emotions, etc.) – And then you will realize that judging, attacking, blaming and victimizing yourself is useless, because it does not contribute to a real change in this world that is the best for all, as one and equal.


Understand that YOU are responsible for what happens within and without YOU  in each and every moment of breath.

viernes, 3 de julio de 2015

The Arrogant Singer (Day 97)


This is the continuation of an argument I wrote down within the post The Unification of Bands (Day 94). 

I was recently watching some videos of the arrogant singer’s band and I realized that as soon as I saw him performing I started judging. I judged his face, hair, eyes, clothes, teeth, the way he moved with the music, his voice and the content of his lyrics. 

Last night I checked this dude’s Facebook, because I wanted to know as much as I could in order to kind of cross-reference through ideas and perceptions my opinion about him. The opinion I had was that he is a mind system with no comprehension about how his mind functions. 

This has been a common judgment I have created towards people since I started learning about my own mind. I place myself in a superior position based on knowledge and information, plus all the details I mentioned above such as physical traits.

I pictured myself having another argument with this dude where I told him to write his perspectives and then humiliating him through the deconstruction of the process I am walking. For instance, in one of his lyrics he mentioned something like we are lacking of culture and identity. So, I picture myself asking him “Do you know that culture is a construct as well as identity?”. Like, wanting to be more than him through showing off how much I know and making him realize that he apparently has no idea about what he is talking about.

I realize this is unacceptable, because it shows to me that the judge character existing within myself still requires self-direction as well as the process of stopping my participation within and as energy after I have been involved in an argument.

This reveals to me that I still want to feel positive and that I want to win through making other people lose, making them look ignorant/stupid. It’s like an upgraded maieutics based on self-interest, because through this behavior I am not creating what is best for all through a mutual learning process. I am only considering what is the best for me, which is feeling more than others.

It sometimes seems easier for me to judge other people’s behavior instead of walking a self-honest introspection in order to change those behaviors also existing within myself and become a living example instead of an arrogant being.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain in energy after an argument, because I experienced the argument one week ago and I still feel I want revenge through continuing with the argument.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to picture myself having the same argument but reacting differently, for instance smashing my guitar against the arrogant singer’s head.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire revenge in order to feel that I have won an argument through making other people look ignorant/stupid, because I compare myself with them and I see myself as more than them instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that we are all one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the stalker character driven by energy and desire for revenge when checking a person’s Facebook and videos in order to confirm that I was right when thinking, believing and perceiving that that person is an ignorant mind system that believes himself to be cool when he’s actually not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that what I am judging in other human beings through Facebook and videos is what they really are, without seeing, realizing and understanding that the only way I have to know them in a deeper level is through interacting in real time and space without energetic charges/judgments.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people’s physical traits and behavior when I have created within myself the desire for revenge and the desire to feel more than them when I have been involved in arguments while being possessed by energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my participation within and as these behaviors only perpetuate the patterns I want to stop within myself instead of releasing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that self-introspection and the comprehension of mind system gives me the right to judge people, because they apparently don’t have the same knowledge, information and realizations that I have walked through this process of self-writing in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in mind systems when thinking, believing and perceiving that I can be more than other human beings because of the knowledge and information I have acquired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there exist such thing as better people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that through applying self-honesty I am better than other human beings that don’t apply self-honesty through self-writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be admired by people who realized that I was right and that they were wrong, without seeing, realizing and understanding that right/wrong only exist within and as the mind = it’s an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not effectively apply myself in every moment of breath, because I get diverted/seduced by mind systems instead of being unconditionally here as self-expression, self-trust and self-control in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss the process of breathing here while accepting and allowing myself to participate in mind systems such as judgments and desires.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself remaining in energy as the desire for revenge after I had an argument, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that instead of continuing to feed the mind systems, I have to write about it in order to see the points where I haven’t been specific enough within the self-forgiveness statements and so be able to completely stop my participation within the mind.

I commit myself to continue writing about a situation I already wrote if notice there is still energy left messing around within my mind that hasn’t been released, so I can bring myself here and live as self-expression out of pre-programmed mind systems.

When and as I see myself participating within and as the stalker character and judging other human beings’s traits, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this behavior is being enforced by my acceptance and allowance within my participation in energy that seeks for revenge and the desire to feel sure that I am more than another human being because of the aspects I judge on them through thoughts, beliefs and interpretations.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself judging another human being based on beliefs, thoughts and interpretations in order to bring myself back here and realize that we are all equal and one.

I commit myself to take self-responsibility through living the principle of oneness and equality as the realization that all I see in others is the reflection of myself.

I commit myself to deconstruct through self-writing in self-honesty all that I am able to see in other human beings instead of feeding my mind systems through participating in the desire for revenge wherein ego wants to feel superior without living the principles of oneness and equality.

When and as I see myself feeling superior to other human beings after I have compared myself and I have ended up being "the best" while they are the stupid/ignorant ones, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this process and all I am learning through Desteni has nothing to do with knowledge and information and/or being more than others and that these beliefs of superiority are systems that I have been feeding within my mind instead of releasing them through deconstruction and then walking the real change as a living example in self-honesty in every moment of every breath.


I commit myself to stop and breathe when I start feeling superior to other human beings that apparently haven’t had similar realizations as me, in order to work on my own process first and develop my utmost potential as one instead of participating in mind systems that do not support life as equality.