Ir al contenido principal

Don’t Look at Me! (Day 95)


This morning I went for the Vehicle Technical Inspection and I reacted within myself the way I used to react towards people when they looked at me in the past.

When I was a child my mom would take me to the hospital or any public places where there were many people. I remember that sometimes I cried and I hated to see people looking at me. I hated their looks and I even yelled stuff at them like “What are you looking at!” lol. 

As I grew up I remember myself developing this hate towards people, because I defined them as obtrusive/meddlesome beings. I hated being observed, but I observed people in case they were observing me and that would trigger reactions within myself towards them.

So, today I was waiting for my car to be checked and I was in a hall where you could see the cars through a big window glass. Suddenly, I glanced around me and my eyes met some beings’ eyes. I noticed that I reacted with displeasure within myself towards the people there. I didn’t yell at them like when I was a child lol, but the reaction was triggered within myself anyways.

It’s funny because I didn’t know the people there and I was reacting towards them within myself. Actually, I was reacting from my subconscious mind due to the memories stored there. So, I was basically projecting my subconscious memories/reactions towards the people there and I approached my reality as a pre-programed behavior instead of being unconditionally here as self-expression.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react towards people because I approached my reality in the same way I did when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate a reaction due to the pre-programmed reactions/behaviors existing within my subconscious mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with hate/displeasure towards people when our eyes meet while being in public places.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people in public places as obtrusive/meddlesome, because when I was a child and I cried, people stared at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people are judging me when our eyes meet while being in public places.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I notice people looking at me in public places.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be invisible so I can mess around without being noticed/observed by people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for the same behaviors existing within myself, because I like to observe, but I don’t like to be observed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to backchat when I notice people staring at me, because the backchat is now the suppression of what I would have said if I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that public places are usually boring and one of the ways of making it more fun while waiting for your turn is to observe what happens around you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that people learn through copying behavior, especially in public places, because you observe how the procedure functions, for instance where you pay, where you wait, where you receive your documents, etc. in order to be attentive and not to mess it up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the hate/displeasure is created within myself and that the people around me have nothing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as hate/displeasure within myself and project it towards people in public places, because I don’t really want to be there waiting and I would rather be home sleeping.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all I see in other beings is my responsibility that functions as a mirror that shows what I have to forgive within myself instead of projecting it towards other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I hate people and that that’s part of my personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and keep a hater personality within myself instead of realizing that I don’t require a personality to exist in this world. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to a personality without realizing that personalities are mind systems and that who I am is constant self-expression here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the hater personality functions as a defense mode, because its starting point is fear of being judged. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged while I am in public places full of people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no matter what I do or what I don’t do, human beings will continue judging until they realize the truth, so for now my responsibility has to be directed to self.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself reacting with my hater personality because I am judging people as obtrusive/meddlesome, I stop and breathe. I realize that my hater personality functions as a defense mode because I fear being judged by others.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I notice I am activating the hater personality and instead, bring all to self and apply self-forgiveness within the points that are being showed to me through observing others as myself.

When and as I see myself reacting with hate/displeasure when I notice my eyes meeting other beings’ eyes in public places, I stop and breathe. I realize that we are all the same, especially in public contexts, because nobody wants to be there waiting for their turn while nothing interesting seems to happen.

I commit myself to not take it personally when I am surrounded by people in public places, because human beings have eyes to see, therefore we are free to look everything/everyone we want.

I commit myself to deconstruct through self-writing and self-forgiveness the reactions/personalities that are triggered within myself in public places when indirectly interacting with people, so as to deprogram myself from my already installed behaviors existing within my subconscious mind as memories.

When and as I see myself experiencing hate/displeasure because I don’t want to be in public places, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that those experiences based on energy are fabricated within my mind because I am not living self-expression unconditionally. 


I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am going to public places in order to release all the self-judgments and resistances that activate when I have to do something I don’t really want to, so I can experience it as myself, as unconditional self-expression without participating within the mind and its personalities.

Comentarios

Entradas populares de este blog

Getting Angry with Students (Day 30)

Within my job as a teacher I can remember a few moments in which I took things personal, but they happened during my first year. Now, I am on my third year as a teacher and it's hard for me to get angry with students, because I prefer to address the issue through communication and agreements.
Today, I got angry with a student and I didn't even realize it until another student that was next to me said "teacher, don't get angry".
The scenario went as it follows:
Students were presenting oral reports. Before they start, I take the time to tell the class that they have to be quiet while their classmates are performing, because I have to assess them and if there's too much noise, I can't hear very well.
It was hard to me to keep them completely quiet today - teachers know that not all lessons with the same class work the same due to different factors -. So, I had to constantly stop and say "guys, be quiet. Your classmates are performing". That happened d…

When You See Only What You Want To See (Day 162)

Someone made an observation about me after communicating with them a couple of times. They noticed that I tend to see only what I want to see; meaning, that I understand things in the wrong way.

At first I was within myself like “But, how can that be possible if I try to be objective when I observe or listen to the information being shared?”, until today while watching a video and then, when giving it a second watch, I realized that “Hey, the first time I watched the video I understood something completely different to what I am understanding now”.
So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 
It’s like for moments I am paying attention, but then I go into my mind. Then, I get back to my body/awareness and I listen to the information and ‘understand what I want to understand’ or what it’s related to what I was t…

Energy-Based Relationships (Day 158)

Today I woke up with this feeling of loss, like I ‘had’ something that I was somehow losing. I realized that it’s energy. It’s the positive energy that I have been unconsciously creating within myself by spending time with X.

The way this came up was as fear; fear of losing, but more specifically, fear of not being ‘loved’ or that everything that X could possibly develop as energy towards myself was decaying. So, in the back of my mind, there was this idea that in order for me to be 'loved'/'liked', I required some energy.
I have realized that this emotional shifts happen when I believe in my thoughts when I am alone or when I judge what X shares with me. These shifts happen very fast and I realize that I activate the pattern but I become aware of it once already being in the emotional reaction.
When this happens, I tend to go “This is not gonna work. They are not feeling the same. They are faking it. This is only a game”, when actually the one that is participating in …