jueves, 30 de julio de 2015

I Often Imagine How People Would React to My Death (Day 103)


I saw a picture with this message “I often imagine how people would react to my death” and I found out it was part of a movie called Submarine. I watched the movie and what I saw within the scene wherein the main character was imagining how people would react to his death was not different to what I have imagined within myself during my life.

I remember having the same backchat / internal conversation within myself. For instance, within my first job as a teacher, I remember thinking “What would be my students reactions to my death?” and I was able to see my funeral and my students saying some words, some of them crying, leaving me drawings and things like that. I also imagined my family and friends all together within the same scenario and what I saw were their thoughts / backchats going “Wow, he was a cool person / teacher / musician, but most of all, he was a great human being. It is a pity that he is not with us anymore.” lol.

I wonder; why would I have those thoughts within myself? What was I looking for? What was the purpose of placing myself in that fabricated mind-based context? What did I want to prove to myself?
I would say that I wanted to be accepted / recognized and having people telling me that I was doing well. For instance within my first job context I always thought I was being observed / judged by some kind of authority, because many times my bosses placed themselves outside the classrooms and had a look through the window. When I saw them, my first backchat was “Am I doing something wrong?” and for some reason I ended up judging my classes as “not good enough”. Even though I always had students telling me they loved my classes, I felt insecure, especially when I started working with movies, documentaries, music and all the things I like, because I realized I was not 100% based on what a teacher of English generally does.

So – This situation sometimes led me to the thoughts and imaginations about my death, because within that context and according to my perception, people would open up and say from their hearts their opinions about me. And it’s funny, because all I was able to imagine was good stuff from them lol.

It’s like, through imagining my death, I created a whole experience within myself where I told myself “You are doing well. You are good. Look at those students suffering. They need you. They love you. Look at your family, look at your band, look at your friends” and then I would embrace that energy and use it to feel better and sure about myself.

It’s funny, because there are many ways through which you can have real feedbacks. For instance, I could have invited another teacher to one of my lessons in order to get some feedback. I could have asked my students for some feedback through an anonymous survey, etc.

So – What I am able to see now is that having those thoughts and imaginations were indicators of self-limitation, because I was not doing something real / physical in order to expand myself. I was only hiding and using my mind to tell me good stuff in order to feel good and sure. I was not walking the self-judgment physically as concrete facts.

There is a song also related to this called “Faking my own suicide” by Relient K. Within the lyrics a guy pretends he dies in order to create an emotional reaction on his girlfriend. He wants his girlfriend to reveal all her love once being placed in a fake context. Then, after she opens up and says “I would have loved to marry him”, he shows up again. – A very manipulative way to get what you want, right?

What would be the experience that guy was having inside? Probably he thought he was not good enough or that her girlfriend did not love him and he wanted to get that positive reward as energy that would make him happy.

The same that has happened to me; feeling insecure and wanting to know people’s real feelings towards me in order to stop feeling bad and start feeling better once having what I apparently need; a deeper positive feeling as motivation to stop the self-judgments and continue living through a different perception / belief / idea.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need positive energy as motivation to stop judging myself as not good enough when comparing myself with other people that I defined as good/better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea / belief that I am not good enough through comparing myself with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become paranoid after I noticed that during my first job as a teacher I was being observed through the door window and after that, I was constantly checking if there was someone there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when having bosses having a look through the door window, because I immediately thought “Am I doing something wrong?” and I became possessed by anxiety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label myself as not good enough to the eyes of some students/bosses and as a way to wanting them to know who I really was, I imagined my death and those people witnessing my students, family and friends saying good stuff about me, and then they thinking “Oh, we were wrong about him. He was a great human being”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a whole ball of positive energy through imagining my death and people reacting saying good stuff about me, in order to use it to feel better / accepted.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that when I am experiencing death through my mind and imagination, it’s an indicator that I am limiting myself and that I want control over circumstances , instead of developing self-control, self-trust as self-direction.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that through imagining how people would react to my death shows to me that I support manipulation through feelings and emotions, because if the thought/imagination of my death exists where I see people becoming emotional and thus, saying all the positive feelings they have towards me is because I desire to have people having those feelings towards me so as to feel accepted / valued.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace myself with all the mistakes I have made throughout my life and thus, accept myself instead of looking for acceptance through something / someone separate from me.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to expand myself as the physical through asking for support / different perspectives in order to get feedbacks that may function as a contribution to continue walking this process of correcting myself to that which is the best for all life.

I forgive myself that have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the death-related thoughts / backchats / imagination where inserted within my subconscious mind layer when in the past X used to say “You will miss me when I am dead. Then you will realize all I have done for you, but it will be late” and also when I was told that X and Y pretended they were dead when I was a child because they wanted to know what my reaction would be; crying.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to have pretended I vanished / disappeared / died when I was about 3- 4 years old after X went to buy some bread and as I became scared and angry because X didn’t let me know, I hid inside a basket so as to see X’s reaction as a revenge by the time X came back; started screaming and became desperate.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this mind pattern related to death as a way to find out something or to gain certain positivity has been built up throughout my whole life and that I am the only one who can stop it after this realization that has opened up through self-forgiveness.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself imagining how people would react to my death, wherein I see some of them experiencing remorse, while others saying positive messages towards me, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am participating in memories that are stored within my subconscious mind layer that now emerge as conscious thoughts / backchats when I feel insecure and I want to feel accepted / recognized, instead of directing myself within and as the physical through walking self-limitations with no mind participation.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I realize I am imagining how people would react to my death, in order to stop my participation within my mind and be able to apply a deeper self-introspection through writing self-forgiveness where I open up other dimensions that exist beneath the surface that once being directed / addressed will support me within this process of self-deprogramming and taking self-responsibility for my mind system.

When and as I see myself wanting feeling insecure and using my mind system to place myself in fabricated scenarios wherein I only imagine people having positive thoughts / opinions about me that I use to feel better / accepted / recognized, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that if I want to have a feedback in order to expand my skills, I can ask for support and thus, have concrete data from the physical instead of participating within mind fucks that have nothing to do with real life.

I commit myself to as for support / feedback when I feel insecure about something I am doing, so as to work on / with what is real; the physical, through sharing my doubts = REAL COMMUNICATION -  after I have worked on the previously through self-forgiveness - and being open and willing to listen to other suggestions that may cross-reference my realizations and be supportive for my process of self-correction to expand myself.

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