sábado, 25 de julio de 2015

Judging My Own Reflection (Day 101)


Last week I met a friend from another city that I hadn’t seen for a couple of months and he mentioned something about a person who sometimes visits his house. He said that he does not like X’s attitude/behavior. He says that X drinks his beers when he is not at home and things like that. My friend said that once, he was running out of money and that he spent the last he had on some bread and when he got home, X had eaten my friend’s portion lol.

My friend said that he does not know how to handle this situation, because he does not want to be rude. He said that he would like X to realize that he has to change his behavior.

I told him that all we hate from other people is a reflection of ourselves, but my friend said that he is not like X in any way. He said that he tries to be empathetic and that he is able to place himself in other people’s shoes.

After listening to this, I reacted within myself. I remembered that this friend owes me some money since 2012 and I thought that he was not that “empathetic”, otherwise we would correct that behavior by paying me.

As I realized that my friend was not able to see the same patterns that he judges in X, I started paying lots of attention to his behavior and I became irritated every time he was around.

During this week I recorded a song. I wanted to share it with him. He paid attention to it only the first 30 seconds and then he started talking about another topic. Within myself I was backchatting “Shut up! No one cares about what you are saying. You have to learn to listen and to avoid interrupting. That’s not empathetic. Plus, your voice is too loud and invasive”. By the end of the song he said “It sounds cool” and I thought “How can you say that if you were talking during the whole song without really listening to it?”

Last night we went to a pub to see some live music and when he got in the car I judged his body, because he is kind of chubby and tall. So, when he got in, the whole car moved and I thought “This morbidly obese dude is crude and clumsy even physically”.

Then, I realized that all he was saying was judged by me as “stupid” or “not relevant”. For instance he had never been to the pub we went, so he started asking “Is this pub cool?” I said “Dude, why are you asking for opinions? The only way you have to really get to know something is through real experience. Opinions only support expectations and expectations occur within the mind. They are not relevant/real”. He said “I was told that this pub is similar to a Café in Viña del Mar”. – God, I was annoyed.

After that, we were in the cue waiting our turn to get in the pub and people’s voices got me irritated. When my friends touched me I thought “Don’t touch me!” lol. I wanted to move fast while I judged this and other friends as slow and morbidly obese.

What I realized is that I started paying too much attention to my friend’s behavior after he said that he was “empathetic” and that he hated people like X, without realizing that he was the same.

I also judged him because in one of our chats he said “I do what I say”, while within my mind I went “Oh yeah? You said you were going to pay me three years ago and… you also said that you were going to invite my band to play in a pub in your city and it never happened” lol.

I was not able to be tolerant, because I took personally what he said, because I apparently had the “proof” that he was not living the words he was saying.

It’s funny, because I believed I didn’t care about the fact that he never paid me or that he never did what he said. I thought that he was not realizing that the behavior he judged in X also existed within him, so that triggered all I had suppressed within myself towards my friend and thus, I reacted with backchats full of judgments.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have triggered all the judgments I had suppressed towards someone when I take personally what they are saying, because I apparently have the “proof” that they are not being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the words I share as pieces of advice when I say “All we see in others is a reflection of ourselves”, because I become judgments towards other people’s judgments that they throw up towards others and thus, I end up supporting the same shit instead of stopping/correcting it so as to create the change I want to see in the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay too much attention to someone’s behavior when I judge them as not self-honest and as a consequence, I end up only seeing “negative aspects” on them that simultaneously trigger backchats/internal conversations full of judgments within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become irritated/annoyed when I judge other people’s behavior when I think that they are not self-honest and, as a consequence, I turn into an authoritarian personality wanting everything to work my way, which includes moving faster, wanting people to avoid speaking louder, and avoiding physical contact with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that everything that a person I judged as not self-honest says is not relevant/important, therefore, they have to be quiet and listen, instead of speaking nonsense bullshit, because they interrupt instead of making a constructive contribution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people’s physical traits when I have been fueling my mind with thoughts, because then, I start back chatting about the way they move, their voice tonality, and how fast/slow they are able to move their physical bodies.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that there are many words I have expressed/spoken that never became actions and that I wouldn’t like to have people judging me for that.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and understand that even though I am in a process of self-realizations through self-honesty, there might be many aspects I haven’t realized that make me a not full self-honest being, therefore, what I am judging in other people must be addressed within myself through self-forgiveness instead of judgments, in order to release myself from those behaviors/patterns and thus, create a change so within as without.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fueled my mind with backchats full of judgments instead of giving myself direction as self-responsibility in self-honesty so as to learn how to walk through situations like this and thus, be able to make a constructive contribution as words that I have lived as my own experience that can support others that are able and willing to change/correct themselves within the same patterns/behaviors.

Self-Corrective/Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself judging people as not self-honest because I apparently have the proof that what they say is not real, I stop and breathe. I realize that I do the same; say something and doing something different. Thus, instead of judging and/or taking it personally, what I should do is a self-introspection in self-honesty in order to see in which aspects I am doing the same that I judge.

I commit myself to apply self-forgiveness on the aspects I judge on others, in order to correct those behaviors/patterns and create the change applying the principle of equality; so within as without.

When and as I see myself fueling my mind with judgments towards someone, I stop and breathe. I realize that judgments can be used in a more constructive way without becoming annoyed/irritated and/or turning into an authoritarian personality.

I commit myself to use the judgments I have towards people in my environment in a constructive way, meaning, writing them down so as to see who I have accepted and allowed myself to be in those moments and thus, correct/change myself through self-forgiveness within the dimensions that may open up.

When and as I see myself becoming irritated/annoyed after I have been participating in backchats full of judgments, I stop and breathe. I realize that what I am experiencing is what I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself as a consequence of fueling my mind with thoughts when focusing too much on someone’s “negative aspects” after I have labeled them as “not self-honest” beings.


I commit myself to stop, breathe and bring myself back here in those moments when I have judged someone and I end up annoyed/irritated, in order to stop my participation within the judge/anger character and thus, be able to see, realize and understand that I am not being self-honest in that moment of reactions and that I have to give myself direction through taking self-responsibility and apply self-forgiveness to correct/change myself towards that which is the best for me and for all.

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