Today it’s been a week without smoking weed, so I am going to write about how I have been experiencing this decision.
First of all, it’s been easier than I thought. I quit smoking cigarettes last May and I dare to say that – at least for me – cigarettes were harder to quit than weed. Even though I haven’t smoked any cigarette since I made the decision, the desire to smoke was there for many days. I actually now don’t like the smell of cigarettes and when someone starts smoking next to me I find it annoying and invasive.
In relation to weed, it has been cool to realize how I had conditioned myself to smoke it within certain moments just because I always did it and never questioned it. During this week I haven’t felt the desire to smoke as I experienced it with cigarettes; I actually realize that I don’t need it. I have been around it while some people smoke it and when my turn comes and I say “no, thanks”, I have gotten different reactions. For instance one of my friends said it was cool to be out of it at least for a while in order to be more awake. Another friend said that I don’t have to blame weed, because the change should be in relation to certain personalities/behaviors one accesses that are not only related to weed, but in many fields within one’s life. Some others reacted like they couldn’t believe it, but most of them expressed themselves with very cool and supportive perspectives.
Two days ago I went to a pub in a different city where smoking weed was kind of allowed and for one moment – while 2 of my friends were smoking – I thought about smoking. The desire came through the smell. I realized that the desire came as the thought “I want that too”. I was invited to smoke, but I said “No, thanks” and then I ended up opening up and sharing why I decided to quit. One person there said that the amount of joints I was smoking was too much and that the key was to do it in specific occasions, but not every day.
During last week I went to a gig to see one of my friends playing live and some of the guys that were there with me smoked weed. I noticed that most of the time they were not here. They were like wandering within their minds and when I asked them “are you okay?” they said “yeah, I was thinking stuff” – which is exactly what I want to avoid; thinking too much instead of being here.
Now – There are 2 points I would like to mention in relation to quitting cigarettes and weed. This is a comment one of my friends said that I had realized, but it was cool because I cross-referenced it. When I stopped smoking cigarettes I started eating more. It was like an unconscious “side effect” in order to put something in my mouth as a substitute. According to what my friend said, that behavior lasted 1 week. He said, “dude, after you quit smoking cigarettes you started inviting me to eat almost every day for about one week, but I said no, because I realized I was eating too much even when I wasn’t hungry and I was correcting that behavior” lol.
And finally, I have to say that I am not good at drinking alcohol, BUT now as I am not smoking cigarettes and weed, I have been drinking more. Again, repeating the pattern of putting something in my mouth as a sort of substitute. I normally drink a can of beer or a glass of something, but lately I have been abusing that limit, which is something not really supportive for me, because it seems like a not funny joke; you quit doing something but you start with another one.
The conclusion that I have gotten so far is that I have developed an addictive personality. Not only related to cigarettes, weed or alcohol, but in general. I mean, when I like doing something I get very excited and I become obsessive. I speak all day about it, I tell everyone about it, I do it every day, etc. - That’s why it made lots of sense to me when one of my friends said that I don’t have to blame weed, because it goes beyond. It’s about me. It’s about what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, because I didn’t use weed in order to "forget about my problems" and things like that. It was more related to a repetitive pattern that I did just because it became "normal" within my environment.
Why am I quitting weed? - Because I want to deconstruct myself and stop my participation in patterns that enslave me to behaviors and personalities that inhibit me from being here as self-direction and self-expression. I am doing it because I refuse to follow a programming. I am doing it because I want to place myself in that situation so I can test and develop self-control and expand myself beyond self-limitations.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have triggered the desire to smoke weed through the smell, plus the thought “I want that too”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use substitutes after quitting smoking cigarettes and weed, such as food and alcohol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop an addictive personality throughout time where every time I like something I become excited and I go out of control.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become obsessive when I like something, instead of breathing and being calm.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that the patterns that I have been following like an organic robot are not only related to weed, but inserted in deeper layers within the personalities/behaviors that I access in certain situations/moments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have fueled the mind system through the use of weed, without realizing that in doing so I am not supporting myself to develop self-awareness as constant/unconditional self-expression out of patterns/personalities/behaviors.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate myself within deeper layers, because I haven’t given myself the chance to stop the patterns that need to be stopped before going for that deeper introspection.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to understand that in order to become free from programming, I have to stop the patterns/behaviors that I have been refusing to place in front of my face due to fears and self-judgments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind fears and self-judgment instead of realizing that what I am writing here is not “who I am”, it’s actually what have come to believe “who I am”, therefore I don’t have to be afraid of facing myself, because facing self will support me as the realization that writing is releasing the patterns/behaviors, but keeping them suppressed means that I am still holding onto beliefs and ideas of self that won’t allow me to transcend self-limitations.
When and as I see myself using substitutes such as alcohol or food because I have stopped smoking weed and cigarettes, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have physically conditioned my body to take something and place it in my mouth as part of my addictive/obsessive personality.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am placing something in my mouth in order to bring myself back here and see whether I am doing it because I am deciding it or just because I am following my programming as a repetitive pattern.
When and as I see myself thinking “I want that too”, when I smell weed or when I see people smoking it, I stop and breathe. I realize that actually I don’t really want that, because what I have decided is to avoid wandering within my mind so as to be here in this physical reality.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when the desire to smoke weed is triggered through the smell or because I see people doing it and apply self-forgiveness in that moment in order to release myself from the desire and thus, the possible justifications that may emerge.
When and as I see myself becoming too excited and/or obsessive because I am too focused on something that I miss my breath here within the physical reality, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can do what I do slowly but surely, instead of acting like the world is going to end tomorrow.
I commit myself to support myself within those moments wherein I see myself going too fast/excited/obsessive through breathing in order to make sure I am here as every breath and then continue walking instead of running out of control with no clear direction.