lunes, 31 de agosto de 2015

Part III: Masturbation & Porn (Day 110)


This is part three. Continuing with my previous posts: Masturbation & Porn (Day 108) and Part II: Masturbation & Porn (Day 109).

Now I would like to walk some self-forgiveness statements in relation to the beliefs / ideas that are collectively / individually constructed around Masturbation as the misunderstood concept of “self-expression” when making it dependent on Porn.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is impossible to masturbate without watching porn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to the belief / idea that one cannot masturbate without watching porn and use that axiomatic premise as an excuse to remain in self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use a criterion based on frequency in order to create the excuse that I do not require to change, because I am not apparently addicted to mixing porn with masturbation, without realizing that it does not matter how often you do it, what it matters is how you perpetuate the pattern as every single moment. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when one masturbates through watching porn is an act of free choice, without realizing that that belief / idea was inserted within the mind system through interacting with society as a collective programmed pattern.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how I have been programmed / conditioned through “following the mass” when thinking / believing “if everybody does it, that’s the way it is”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the porn industry has become the source from where human beings are learning about “sexual education”, wherein the movies show how apparently the sexual intercourse should be and then, as a consequence, we have people trying to achieve the same with their partners, basically duplicating / imitating instead of exploring sex as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that porn actresses / actors are living a dream that came true, without realizing that many of them are abused and forced to do stuff against their will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every time one presses play on a porn video, one is supporting abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the abuse we as humanity collectively support / create because one is only focused on self-interest; based on how “good” it feels, without realizing that every time one is feeling positive, there’s someone out there feeling negative through experiencing the consequences = polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the porn industry will use the amount of plays every time we play a porn video, in order to generate more and more videos related those “most watched” categories and thus, earn more money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how well inserted / installed is pornography in our minds, because even though one does not use porn to masturbate, the porn as images will start popping up within our minds = one creating a relationship with the mind / memories instead of real / physical self-expression here as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that real sexual self-expression through masturbation has nothing to do with images / pictures / memories related ex partners, etc, because those visual aids exist within and as the mind, not here as the physical.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself accessing to porn to "express" myself sexually through masturbation, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that every play is a +1 for abuse and that sexual self-expression has nothing to do with the programmed / conditioned idea / belief based on images, because real sexual self-expression is here, as breath, as the physical.

I commit myself to continue exploring myself within this point in order to step by step deprogram / deconstruct myself from the patterns that have humanity enslaved like zombies just following / wanting the “positive” without realizing the consequences we create.

When and as I see myself going into images / memories when expressing myself sexually through masturbation, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the images were programmed / installed / inserted within my mind through attaching myself to the ideas / beliefs collectively constructed that I have come to believe are part of what real sexual self-expression is.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when having images / memories popping up within my mind when expressing myself sexually through masturbation in order to bring myself back here to the physical, become aware of my present moment and thus, stop my participation within the mind , become self-directive and be a +1 for change.

domingo, 23 de agosto de 2015

Part II: Masturbation & Porn (Day 109)

This is the continuation of the previous post called Masturbation & Porn (Day 108). Here I would like to share some stuff I was doing through playing with the word Masturbation:

Mas = More (in Spanish) = To Add.

Turbate (Turbar in Spanish) = To get someone confused so he / she does not know what to say or do.

Masturbation = More-Turbation = To add confusion in human beings’ lives through limiting self-expression.

The question is: Why would Masturbation limit human beings’ self-expression? I would say that everything that belongs to a programming is part of self-limitation, especially when we do not realize that we are conditioned, because we believe that what we feel / desire is part of the human’s nature.

The problem with this belief is that it is so ingrained within ourselves that everything we think, say and do goes through a conditioned / programmed process, because the control / manipulation is not only out there, it’s also existing within us inside our minds. We believe we are free, but the truth is that actually “believing” is already a conditioned / programmed behavior / pattern.

After reading my previous post, I realized an interesting point in relation to this conditioned / programmed process of thinking / believing. I mentioned that I didn’t think / believe that I was an addicted to masturbation. I made that statement based on frequency, but then I realized that the addiction does not necessarily relate to the amount of times a day / week / month you do it, because one can masturbate once a week BUT always using porn.

It does not matter if one masturbates once a day / week / month. As long as you are doing it through watching porn, you are being dependent / addicted to that to be able to express yourself sexually.

If one attaches oneself to beliefs / ideas and ways of looking at self, one will never be able to change, because we would be hiding behind the beliefs / ideas and using them as excuses / justifications such as “I do not masturbate a lot. I am not addicted. I do not have a problem with masturbation. Everything is perfect in my life” in order to continue perpetuating our conditioned / programmed behavior / pattern / addiction.

We limit our self-expression through hiding behind our beliefs, because we do not know how to look at ourselves through self-honest introspection. We fear to see ourselves beneath the surface, because we fear finding a monster living there. But, it is necessary to do it, it is necessary to face it, it is necessary to deconstruct it. I would say that most human beings have a monster living inside of them, but we are not aware of it, because no one speaks it.

One has to realize that self-judgment is not going to help. Plus, we should not feel guilty, because many of our patterns / behaviors were socially learned through interacting with each other. We came to this world and it was already fucked up. We see people blaming each other, without realizing that that which they blame in others is the same existing within themselves somehow.

If I say that we should not feel “guilty” that does not mean that one is not Responsible, especially when we become aware of how certain patterns / behaviors function within ourselves. Therefore, becoming self-responsible would be to apply a self-honest introspection beyond our beliefs / ideas and then stop the patterns that feed the starving monster within ourselves, so we can become self-directive and avoid giving our power away to the conditioned mind patterns that keep one's self-expression trapped / limited / conditioned.

I will continue...

miércoles, 19 de agosto de 2015

Masturbation & Porn (Day 108)


Within the last weeks I have been exploring what masturbation really is and what we have come to be-LIE-ve masturbation is, especially through one’s participation in pornography. What do I mean by participation in pornography? - Watching porn to masturbate.

I have noticed that there exists this axiomatic thought that “It is impossible to masturbate without watching porn” that one can use as an excuse in order to remain within pre-programmed patterns / behaviors that keep us enslaved within the belief that we are making a choice when actually one is obediently following what the mass does = mass-turbating through watching porn.

I remember that I discovered masturbation at a very young age and I never required watching porn to do it because I had no idea that porn existed, so to me it was pure and innocent self-expression. Actually, porn was introduced to me by my friends some years later while I was in high school. It probably happened in the same way within your life.

So – what happened later was that it became a normal habit to watch porn when masturbating. I never questioned it and I thought it was cool because everybody did it that way.

I wouldn’t say that I became a-DICK-ted to masturbation / porn because there were periods where I would do it once a week and some others a bit more / less, depending on my activities or if I was single / in a relationship. BUT, the main point here is that I related masturbation to porn without realizing that I was being programmed / conditioned / alienated by society.

What I realized later when talking about sexual experiences with my friends was that we all wanted to achieve doing certain stuff when we were dating girls. It was basically what we observed in porn movies. – I am not going to write the details lol, but I am going to say that it was obvious that porn had become the source from where everyone was getting their sexual "education".

I personally do not see anything wrong / sinful / immoral in masturbation at all. What I see is alienation though. One learning through porn how a girl must look, what things she must be able to do within the sexual intercourse, how one should behave when having sex, etc. And then one goes duplicating the same mechanisms through imitation; the same that happens with teenagers when they like a singer / actor and then they start dressing / acting identically.

It constitutes what it is called bio-power = control over human beings' lives, not only focused on consciousness but also on their bodies. It is a type of control that penetrates the human up to their atoms, producing docile and fragmented beings, controlling their social bodies within and as their behavior.

Have you tried masturbating without watching porn? If your answer is “no”, well, I dare you to try it and experiment with yourself in order to be aware of how your behavior changes within the process. If your answer is “yes” well, are you sure that porn images are not inserted in your mind as memories when you start masturbating? Because they will start popping up within your mind like commercials / advertisement everytime you masturbate so as to make you realize to what extent you have been controlled / conditioned / alienated / pre-programmed.

Is it really you the one that is making the decision to masturbate as pure self-expression without needing porn / images / memories or are you just obediently following your domestication?


I will continue…

martes, 18 de agosto de 2015

Envy (Day 107)


Recently I have been experiencing some resistance towards writing. I sit in front of the computer and I start thinking and thinking but I end up doing nothing. I then get to the conclusion that I have nothing to write about.

The truth is that there are some points that I can open up, but I avoid them, because I fear being judged if I write about them. The first one is Envy and the second one is Masturbation. So – now that I have written those words and I see them in front of me I feel some movements coming from my chest area.

I realize that the word Envy is a concept that I wouldn’t like it to be placed within myself, because it contains a negative charge and no one wants something negative within their lives lol. But, if that word didn’t exist within myself, I wouldn’t react to it physically. If it resonates within myself, it’s an indicator for me to be aware of and to address in self-honesty.

So – now that I am already writing lol, I am going to open up some dimensions within who I am as Envy. Or let’s better say who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as that word and how I have experienced / lived it lately.

I have come to believe that there are some beings that depend on me somehow. Let’s call it a relationship based on Power / Control. Within this belief / idea, I have placed myself in the Master’s pedestal while the other beings become Slaves = me being “positive” and them as “negative”- And, as this relationship has been recently changing due to certain events; it has created friction within myself. This friction is the one that I call Envy, which is basically my reaction to these events that are apparently taking out my self-created role / persona.

My reaction consists of backchats and desires based on revenge. For instance, I want my slaves to experience remorse for leaving me and I would like them to have bad / tough experiences that lead them into realizations about their behavior that make them come back to me.

I realize that this happens because I am holding onto the idea / belief that I am in control of others and that they depend on me to live their lives. So, as I am defining myself as a Master, which is a positive label, when I see myself losing that definition by my Slaves, I take it personally.

Although this happens within my mind and it does not exist in the physical, I would like to walk some self-forgiveness statements in order to release myself from this virus. So, here I go…

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance towards writing because I fear being judged for what I am going to mention here without seeing, realizing and understanding that through writing / self-forgiveness I am releasing myself from what I have believed myself to be and that actually suppressing means to continue being / holding onto that which I don't want to expose through writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea / belief that I have power / control over certain beings in my world.

I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the master’s pedestal where I see myself as superior and other being as inferior / slaves, because they apparently depend on me to have certain experiences within their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when my self-created definition of master is changing because my slaves are setting themselves free from my enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with desires based on revenge in order to see my slaves – through my imagination - experiencing remorse and then coming back to me in a docile stance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that holding onto the idea / belief that I am in power and that other beings depend on me, makes ME depend on others, because if they wouldn’t exist, I would need something / someone separate of me to have that power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that power and control are to be found outside of myself, without realizing that I can live both words as self-empowerment and self-control.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in believing that I have power / control over other beings I am actually being a slave of my mind system through participating in polarity equations instead of living equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get diverted by my mind and end up participating in an alternate mind “reality” instead of expressing myself here.

Self-Corrective / Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself holding onto the belief / idea that I am in power / control over others, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that such categorizations only exist in the mind and are not real; ego makes them real, and I experience them as reactions through giving my power away to my mind through believing I am ego.

I commit myself to stop holding onto ideas / beliefs that I am in control / power of others because they apparently depend on me in order to realize that we are all one and equal.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself feeding from this positive energy that “superiority” brings me, so as to stop my participation within and as the mind and thus, align myself to self-control and self-empowerment through being here expressing myself in the physical.

When and as I see myself reacting towards certain beings because our relationship is changing, I stop and breathe. I realize that I don’t have to stop them from self-change; otherwise I would be acting in self-interest.

I commit myself to question myself in those moments when I react with backchats and desires based on revenge in order to stop my participation within and as the mind and thus, be able to learn from those beings' experiences and also to get to understand why people react negatively when someone is changing in our world.

domingo, 9 de agosto de 2015

The Substitute Teacher (Day 106)


Last week I worked as a substitute teacher after being unemployed since last December, so here I am going to share some realizations within this experience.

Well, last month I had to go to that school as well, because the head teacher of English was sick, so this time, I already had some notion about the school, students and how things more or less worked there.

This time the head teacher was not sick. She had to go with her class to do some charity activities, because it is part of the school projects in relation to the values they want to teach within their students as a catholic school.

The first time I met the head teacher I noticed myself being a bit nervous, because not teaching for about 8 months made me feel powerless and insecure. Although after I finished that day, I met the head teacher again and I noticed that after teaching I felt empowered. I told her the activities I worked with the classes in this very excited expression that one experiences after “performing”, meaning being active for a whole day speaking, moving from one place to another, etc. – So, I realized that teaching keeps me kind of alive somehow.

It’s funny because within the post Self-Judgment Within Communication (Day 102) I mentioned that I held onto the idea / belief that I am not good at speaking in public. But, when it comes to teaching 45 students and / or playing with my band in front of 100 - 300 people I can easily walk through the nervousness / anxiety and I don’t feel under pressure. So, this would be a cool point to investigate in a future post. Now, I would like to refer to something that happened last week within this new experience.

During the whole week I heard that teachers didn’t like teaching a specific class, because they were apparently lazy, slow, they had bad marks and they misbehaved a lot. Teachers compared this class with others that belonged to the same level (15 year-old students) and they defined them as a bad / troublesome class.

I didn’t want to create any expectations / judgments before meeting them, because I realized that what I was hearing were only opinions based on some teachers’ experiences that were probably created due to the way they define how a “good class” must be.

But something happened; the day before meeting this “troublesome class” that apparently no one liked, I started experiencing some resistance. It was the last day I had to go to the school and I started thinking “What if they make fun of me?”, “what if they treat me badly?”, “what if I’d better not show up tomorrow?”, etc.

Well, the moment finally came and I started walking into the classroom, breathing, keeping in mind that I have always liked like teaching that level, meaning, I have always had cool experiences when teaching 15 year-old students.

I knew where this class was but I asked the students outside the classroom “Is this C class?” and they immediately started joking but in a nice manner. They said “Nop, that classroom over there is the one you are looking for” lol. And as I like joking as well, I said “I can notice through your voice and face that you guys are lying to me. Let’s get in, guys” and we all laughed and came in.

The first thing I did was to open myself up. Meaning, I wanted them to know who I was behind my teacher costume. I mentioned some stuff about myself and I said that I didn’t like rules, because rules start with “don’t” and to me that was suppressing human beings’ expression. I said that I liked working with agreements and that the first one was that when I talked, they had to listen and look at me, so when they wanted to speak, I was going to do the same. - They agreed.

It was cool to realize how language / words can create a significant difference when we communicate. The simple switch from “rule” to “agreement” was definitely supportive in order to create a nice atmosphere within the classroom. I actually didn’t have to go “guys, silence!” and things like that. They self-regulated themselves. Yeah, the “troublesome class” was “hey, hush! Listen to the teacher” every time someone started to interrupt.

I taught them some vocabulary through a game and we were all having fun. And, by the end of the lesson I played the guitar and sang some songs with them. Interestingly enough, we had a very similar music taste. They liked punk rock bands as well as I do lol.

I know that what I experienced cannot define who they really are, because getting to know well a class takes from one semester to a year (according to my experience). But, it was cool to create that connection with them. Especially, because I proved by myself that opinions and other people’s experiences do not constitute what reality is. It only constitutes how THEY have experienced reality based on their mind settings. And mind settings definitely lead to how you experience reality.  For instance, if I – according to my mind setting – believe that the statement “Nop, that classroom over there is the one you are looking for” is disrespectful, thus I take it personally, I am of course going to have / build a “negative impression” towards that class and it will be experienced by me as something “bad” and I would probably react to it whether internally or externally and later I would be possibly saying “Those kids are a bad class”.

I realized that one has to adapt oneself to the context, because the context won't adapt to you. I can't just go there in an athoritarian stance expecting them to be quiet without moving and following all of my rules. That would create friction / resistance and no communication / learning process.

My favorite part of the lesson was to see their facial expression when I was asked "teacher did you ever have a mohawk?" and I said "Yeah, I had a blue and red mohawk" lol. I would definitely like to come back again.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with resistance towards a class before meeting them because of the opinions I heard.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the class was going to make fun of me and then I thought of not showing up the next day in order to avoid a bad experience.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that opinions only represent how people / teachers perceive reality based on their mind settings and ideas about education.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt powerless / insecure because I hadn’t taught for about 8 months, without realizing that that anxiety is part of my pre-programmed reactions that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience when having to teach after a while and before playing live with my band.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to stop and breathe when I start experiencing anxiety / nervousness before performing / teaching in order to bring myself back to the physical here and thus, approach reality as self-direction and effectiveness.

Self-Corrective / Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing fear because of the opinions I have heard towards a class / person / group of people, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that those opinions are based on people’s way of interpreting reality according to their mind settings that do not constitute reality as the physical.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I start experiencing fear because of the opinions I have heard in my environment, in order to realize that other people’s experiences cannot ensure the outcome of my experience. Therefore, I commit myself to experience /walk  reality by myself instead of creating projections / judgments / fears towards something unknown such as a new class.

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety / nervousness and / or feeling powerless / insecure, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am responsible for accepting and allowing myself to fuel those emotions through participating in “what if” backchats where I also see myself failing and / or not doing an effective job because I haven’t been active for a while, instead of focusing on my breathing / body in order to be stable and thus, be able to be effective and diligent within and as self-expression.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I start experiencing fear / anxiety and / or feeling powerless / insecure before performing / teaching in order to see, realize and understand that those backchats / emotions are not supportive and that instead of participating within the mind system I have to focus on here so as to do an effective / good job. therefore, I commit myself to make sure everything is well prepared before performing / teaching instead of participating within my mind as backchats and emotions that lead into fear that can affect my self-expression. 

sábado, 8 de agosto de 2015

Part V: Stop Smoking (Day 105)


Yesterday I had a dream where I saw myself playing with my band and while playing we were doing some cool changes to a song that made it sound much better. We were all having fun and smiling while playing this new version.

After practicing the new version, the desire to smoke a cigarette was triggered because I wanted a positive reward for what we had accomplished.

I told my friends “Guys, I am dying for a cigarette” and they said “If you want to do it, do it” and then I went “Naa, we are practicing. Plus, smoking is not cool for my voice”.

Within my previous post, I mentioned that in the past I used to smoke after finishing a task - among many other reasons - as a positive reward, as something I “deserved”. So, within my dream the same pattern was triggered, but I stopped it.

The desire felt so real that now I am thinking that smoking for 13- 14 years made the desire as a pattern be integrated beyond my conscious mind layer. It was even integrated within my subconscious and unconscious mind. So, it is cool to realize that I am also managing the desire to smoke within deeper layers of the mind consciousness system.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have triggered the desire to smoke within a dream where I felt I had done a good job thus, I apparently “deserved” my positive reward through smoking a cigarette as well as I used to do in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to integrate the desire to smoke as a pattern within my subconscious and unconscious mind layer due to all the years I was a smoker.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the desire to smoke a cigarette within a dream wherein I also verbally expressed that I was dying for a cigarette while trying to find the approval of my band mates in order to do it and avoid feeling guilty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the belief / idea that after experiencing a positive feeling after doing a good job whether within the music field or any other field in my life, I “deserve” something separate from me like a cigarette, without realizing that stopping smoking is the best reward I can get, but as I do not get a “positive feeling” through doing it, I do not see / consider it as a gift.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that everything that is the best for me should bring a positive feeling, without realizing that that is part of my pre-programming due to believing for many years that I was my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the best for me is not attached to energy, because energy is created within the mind consciousness system, but I am not that, therefore, during this process of giving myself life as the physical I have to learn to see beyond my mind pre-programmed perceptions / interpretations / beliefs / ideas / conceptions in order to feel through the touch / physicality the reality, but not through the mind as feelings and emotions that are energy-based.

Self-Corrective / Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself expecting to receive a positive reward after finishing a task and / or doing a good job, I stop and breathe. I realize that there are many things I am already experiencing that are gifts in my life, for instance living the decision to stopping smoking cigarettes in every moment, because it is the best for my lungs / throat / teeth / voice, but as I have conditioned myself to always get a positive feeling after finishing a task and / or doing a good job through my perception, this perception requires to be deconstructed  in order to unlearn that apparently the best for me must be energy-based and re-learn not to trust the mind system as a dependable cross-referential “entity” that tells me whether what I am experiencing is real or not.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself expecting a positive reward after finishing a task and / or doing a good jobs in order to bring myself back here and realize that I already gifted myself through doing the task, being here, breathing and moving within / as the physical and that I do not actually require something separate from me like a cigarette to validate / legitimate what I did, because that's only part of the pre-programmed "ritual" I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat as a pattern / bucle for many years which is not necessary to continue perpetuating today.

domingo, 2 de agosto de 2015

Part IV: Stop Smoking (Day 104)


Here I am continuing with my process of stopping smoking cigarettes. Below you can have a look at my previous posts in order to gain further context:


I have mentioned that within this process I started experiencing annoyance when having people smoking next to me, basically because my sense of smell has enhanced. So, when I smell the smoke I go “Oh no!” and it even made me sneeze. It’s cool to realize how non-smokers must have felt when I was the one smoking next to them; a very invasive action that you experience whether actively when you are a smoker or passively when you are a non-smoker next to smokers.

I now don’t even like having my clothes smelling like cigarettes or having my eyes red due to hanging out with smokers, which in the past was something I didn’t care because I was so used to the smell of cigarettes that it became part of me.

You may think that I am in a permanent rejection to cigarettes, but I am not. I have experienced the desire to smoke within specific moments, for instance the other day I had a cool conversation with a friend about something that was going on within myself. During the conversation we were eating a sandwich and drinking coke (my favorite sandwich and favorite soda). Then, we went outside and my friend started smoking and when I smelled the smoke…voila! I was dying for a cigarette. 

How can that be possible? I mean, I had been experiencing rejection towards cigarettes and now I wanted to smoke again. Well, I have the answer. I mean, MY answer:

Firstly, Opening up within the conversation with my friend while being in the restaurant was supportive for me to release myself from what got me worried, so what I experienced was a kind of relief. 

Secondly; in the past I really enjoyed smoking a cigarette after finishing a task. Let’s say that the cigarette was like my positive reward for all the effort I had made. 

And finally, within the first years as a smoker when I was about 17, I had a friend whose favorite soda was also coke, so we used to meet, buy some bread, a bottle of coke and cigarettes. We first ate the sandwiches while being sat in the sidewalk and then we would drink coke and smoke cigarettes.-  What a healthy diet, huh? Lol.

So – What happened the day when I was dying for a cigarette was that I unconsciously did what I used to do in the past, so my programming perfectly knew what I had to do right after feeling relaxed through a conversation, after eating and after drinking coke. BUT, I realized that that was the right moment where the change must go into application. It would have been easy to go into justifications like “I haven’t smoked a cigarette since last May. One cigarette won’t cause any harm. Plus, I deserve it and blah blah”, but in self-honesty I can say that in allowing myself to smoke again through all the justifications I may find within and as my mind, I would be participating in self-manipulation. 

Why? You cannot make a real decision while you are participating in the energy that desires create, because it is not you the one who is making the decision in that moment, it is your mind as the pre-programming; the desire leads into justifications that may sound pretty acceptable and you may even feel pretty convinced and determined to do it. - But, what I did instead was to question my own desire and justifications. There would not have been anything “wrong” if I had smoked in that moment. It is just that I was not going to succumb through listening to my mind. If I decide to smoke again, it will be my own decision, but I will not accept and allow myself to do it driven by pre-programmed desires, justifications, excuses, thoughts, backchats, memories, feelings and / or emotions.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have triggered the desire to smoke cigarettes again because I was unconsciously repeating what I used to do in the past with a friend; talking, eating sandwiches and drinking coke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned myself to expect / experience a cigarette as a positive reward after finishing a task / intense conversation / eating / drinking coke.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself realize and understand that the desire is not equal to a self-honest decision and that making a decision while participating in desires will only lead me into justifications that support self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  have conditioned myself to act driven by desires in the past while thinking, believing and perceiving that I was making real decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my power away to the mind system in the past when accepting and allowing my pre-programmed desires, justifications, excuses, thoughts, backchats, memories, feelings and emotions decide what direction to take in my life.

Self-Corrective / Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing the desire to smoke again because I have drunk coke, eaten my favorite sandwich, finished a task and / or an intense conversation, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the desire is being triggered due to my pre-programming, therefore, the decisions I may make in those moments will only be based on justifications that give me the illusion that I am in control.

I commit myself to question my desires / justifications when I feel like smoking again, in order to open up other dimensions / layers that are not easy to see / understand in those moments, but once opened up through self-writing in self-honesty, the real truth of self emerges and thus, the process of deprogramming self from patterns / behaviors that keep us enslaved / trapped within illusions / ego starts.