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Envy (Day 107)


Recently I have been experiencing some resistance towards writing. I sit in front of the computer and I start thinking and thinking but I end up doing nothing. I then get to the conclusion that I have nothing to write about.

The truth is that there are some points that I can open up, but I avoid them, because I fear being judged if I write about them. The first one is Envy and the second one is Masturbation. So – now that I have written those words and I see them in front of me I feel some movements coming from my chest area.

I realize that the word Envy is a concept that I wouldn’t like it to be placed within myself, because it contains a negative charge and no one wants something negative within their lives lol. But, if that word didn’t exist within myself, I wouldn’t react to it physically. If it resonates within myself, it’s an indicator for me to be aware of and to address in self-honesty.

So – now that I am already writing lol, I am going to open up some dimensions within who I am as Envy. Or let’s better say who I have accepted and allowed myself to be as that word and how I have experienced / lived it lately.

I have come to believe that there are some beings that depend on me somehow. Let’s call it a relationship based on Power / Control. Within this belief / idea, I have placed myself in the Master’s pedestal while the other beings become Slaves = me being “positive” and them as “negative”- And, as this relationship has been recently changing due to certain events; it has created friction within myself. This friction is the one that I call Envy, which is basically my reaction to these events that are apparently taking out my self-created role / persona.

My reaction consists of backchats and desires based on revenge. For instance, I want my slaves to experience remorse for leaving me and I would like them to have bad / tough experiences that lead them into realizations about their behavior that make them come back to me.

I realize that this happens because I am holding onto the idea / belief that I am in control of others and that they depend on me to live their lives. So, as I am defining myself as a Master, which is a positive label, when I see myself losing that definition by my Slaves, I take it personally.

Although this happens within my mind and it does not exist in the physical, I would like to walk some self-forgiveness statements in order to release myself from this virus. So, here I go…

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance towards writing because I fear being judged for what I am going to mention here without seeing, realizing and understanding that through writing / self-forgiveness I am releasing myself from what I have believed myself to be and that actually suppressing means to continue being / holding onto that which I don't want to expose through writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto the idea / belief that I have power / control over certain beings in my world.

I forgive that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the master’s pedestal where I see myself as superior and other being as inferior / slaves, because they apparently depend on me to have certain experiences within their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when my self-created definition of master is changing because my slaves are setting themselves free from my enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with desires based on revenge in order to see my slaves – through my imagination - experiencing remorse and then coming back to me in a docile stance.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that holding onto the idea / belief that I am in power and that other beings depend on me, makes ME depend on others, because if they wouldn’t exist, I would need something / someone separate of me to have that power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that power and control are to be found outside of myself, without realizing that I can live both words as self-empowerment and self-control.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in believing that I have power / control over other beings I am actually being a slave of my mind system through participating in polarity equations instead of living equality and oneness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get diverted by my mind and end up participating in an alternate mind “reality” instead of expressing myself here.

Self-Corrective / Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself holding onto the belief / idea that I am in power / control over others, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that such categorizations only exist in the mind and are not real; ego makes them real, and I experience them as reactions through giving my power away to my mind through believing I am ego.

I commit myself to stop holding onto ideas / beliefs that I am in control / power of others because they apparently depend on me in order to realize that we are all one and equal.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I see myself feeding from this positive energy that “superiority” brings me, so as to stop my participation within and as the mind and thus, align myself to self-control and self-empowerment through being here expressing myself in the physical.

When and as I see myself reacting towards certain beings because our relationship is changing, I stop and breathe. I realize that I don’t have to stop them from self-change; otherwise I would be acting in self-interest.

I commit myself to question myself in those moments when I react with backchats and desires based on revenge in order to stop my participation within and as the mind and thus, be able to learn from those beings' experiences and also to get to understand why people react negatively when someone is changing in our world.

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