domingo, 2 de agosto de 2015

Part IV: Stop Smoking (Day 104)


Here I am continuing with my process of stopping smoking cigarettes. Below you can have a look at my previous posts in order to gain further context:


I have mentioned that within this process I started experiencing annoyance when having people smoking next to me, basically because my sense of smell has enhanced. So, when I smell the smoke I go “Oh no!” and it even made me sneeze. It’s cool to realize how non-smokers must have felt when I was the one smoking next to them; a very invasive action that you experience whether actively when you are a smoker or passively when you are a non-smoker next to smokers.

I now don’t even like having my clothes smelling like cigarettes or having my eyes red due to hanging out with smokers, which in the past was something I didn’t care because I was so used to the smell of cigarettes that it became part of me.

You may think that I am in a permanent rejection to cigarettes, but I am not. I have experienced the desire to smoke within specific moments, for instance the other day I had a cool conversation with a friend about something that was going on within myself. During the conversation we were eating a sandwich and drinking coke (my favorite sandwich and favorite soda). Then, we went outside and my friend started smoking and when I smelled the smoke…voila! I was dying for a cigarette. 

How can that be possible? I mean, I had been experiencing rejection towards cigarettes and now I wanted to smoke again. Well, I have the answer. I mean, MY answer:

Firstly, Opening up within the conversation with my friend while being in the restaurant was supportive for me to release myself from what got me worried, so what I experienced was a kind of relief. 

Secondly; in the past I really enjoyed smoking a cigarette after finishing a task. Let’s say that the cigarette was like my positive reward for all the effort I had made. 

And finally, within the first years as a smoker when I was about 17, I had a friend whose favorite soda was also coke, so we used to meet, buy some bread, a bottle of coke and cigarettes. We first ate the sandwiches while being sat in the sidewalk and then we would drink coke and smoke cigarettes.-  What a healthy diet, huh? Lol.

So – What happened the day when I was dying for a cigarette was that I unconsciously did what I used to do in the past, so my programming perfectly knew what I had to do right after feeling relaxed through a conversation, after eating and after drinking coke. BUT, I realized that that was the right moment where the change must go into application. It would have been easy to go into justifications like “I haven’t smoked a cigarette since last May. One cigarette won’t cause any harm. Plus, I deserve it and blah blah”, but in self-honesty I can say that in allowing myself to smoke again through all the justifications I may find within and as my mind, I would be participating in self-manipulation. 

Why? You cannot make a real decision while you are participating in the energy that desires create, because it is not you the one who is making the decision in that moment, it is your mind as the pre-programming; the desire leads into justifications that may sound pretty acceptable and you may even feel pretty convinced and determined to do it. - But, what I did instead was to question my own desire and justifications. There would not have been anything “wrong” if I had smoked in that moment. It is just that I was not going to succumb through listening to my mind. If I decide to smoke again, it will be my own decision, but I will not accept and allow myself to do it driven by pre-programmed desires, justifications, excuses, thoughts, backchats, memories, feelings and / or emotions.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have triggered the desire to smoke cigarettes again because I was unconsciously repeating what I used to do in the past with a friend; talking, eating sandwiches and drinking coke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned myself to expect / experience a cigarette as a positive reward after finishing a task / intense conversation / eating / drinking coke.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself realize and understand that the desire is not equal to a self-honest decision and that making a decision while participating in desires will only lead me into justifications that support self-manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  have conditioned myself to act driven by desires in the past while thinking, believing and perceiving that I was making real decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given my power away to the mind system in the past when accepting and allowing my pre-programmed desires, justifications, excuses, thoughts, backchats, memories, feelings and emotions decide what direction to take in my life.

Self-Corrective / Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing the desire to smoke again because I have drunk coke, eaten my favorite sandwich, finished a task and / or an intense conversation, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the desire is being triggered due to my pre-programming, therefore, the decisions I may make in those moments will only be based on justifications that give me the illusion that I am in control.

I commit myself to question my desires / justifications when I feel like smoking again, in order to open up other dimensions / layers that are not easy to see / understand in those moments, but once opened up through self-writing in self-honesty, the real truth of self emerges and thus, the process of deprogramming self from patterns / behaviors that keep us enslaved / trapped within illusions / ego starts.

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