miércoles, 30 de septiembre de 2015

Part II: I Want My Honor Back! (Day 114)

Yesterday morning something happened. I checked my email when I woke up and there was a notification saying that the guy I mentioned in my Previous Post had paid half of the money we agreed as refund. My backchats were “Is this a coincidence? Did he read my blog or what?” lol.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry when thinking /remembering that someone hadn’t paid me within the deadline we both agreed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with thoughts/backchats based on moral judgments towards someone that apparently did something bad to me through not paying me, such as his religion, career and personal life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine this guy failing within his marriage because I labeled him as a not responsible/professional being when he didn’t reply to my messages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use revenge/anger/frustration to create scenarios within my mind as imagination in order to punish this guy because through not paying me and ignoring my messages I thought, believed and perceived that I was losing my honor, so I placed myself in a powerful/superior position where I saw myself treating this guy badly as though that was going to give me my honor back or make me feel better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a person who is a Christian is a good and reliable human being, without seeing, realizing and understanding that religions are only about beliefs that exist within the mind system, but that does not necessarily mean that they live their words in self-honesty in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot lose my honor or be inferior when having someone that is not doing what we both agreed, because if I think that I have lost something, such as honor, respect, etc, that means that I am not living those words as myself, because if I lived those words it would be impossible for me to lose them, because they would be part of my unconditional self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with thoughts, backchats and imagination based on how other people have reacted to me in the past where they have morally judged me with statements such as  “You are a teacher, you must not do this. Fortunately you are not a doctor; otherwise you would kill your patients. Fortunately you are not a lawyer; otherwise you would send innocent people to jail”, without realizing that your profession, lifestyle, career, religion, etc has nothing to do with who you really are, because such labels are only categories based on polarity that exist within and as the mind and are used to control human beings’ minds and bodies and then, as a consequence we have people judging each other  and creating friction instead of seeing each other as equals in order to first change ourselves instead of just victimizing , blaming and/or gossiping, without realizing that labels do not allow us to see human beings as who they really are because it has become part of our programming which inhibits us to understand for instance the difference between Thinking v/s Looking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize and understand that most angry reactions human beings experience belong to what the media shows/news on TV where people feel frustrated and tired because one is constantly suppressing emotions/fears/frustrations, so when a certain event/issue/problem/situation takes place in our lives, is where one thinks, believes and perceives that we have “the right” to get our honor/respect back through using violence within and as our words or actions, as though that was going to solve our problems/fears/frustrations, without realizing that actually when we act based on energy we are in fact perpetuating our problems/enslavement/blindness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to take revenge on people that has not done what we both agreed within a specific deadline, without realizing that in doing so, I would be copying what has been done onto me in the past and also what the news show as the collective misunderstood comprehension/example of how we can change the world into a better place for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that through an angry reaction towards someone, I am actually acting based on self-interest, trying to get what I want – revenge or punishment for instance - without seeing and realizing that Interpersonal Problems are a gift where I can learn something new about myself and others in order to support myself and others within the process of developing my utmost potential in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really see what are the triggers behind my angry reactions and just project the anger towards someone else through my imagination/thoughts without realizing and understanding that one can solve the problems without necessarily becoming angry and that actually, when one is calmed down/stable, it is way easier to be focused on the main points and thus, address the problems effectively and constructively, because angry/violent reactions lead into friction/arguments and people easily tend to take things personally instead of seeing each one’s responsibility in self-honesty.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself becoming angry because someone is not doing what we both agreed within a specific deadline, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am not going to solve anything through getting angry and instead of continue participating in my mind, I can apply self-forgiveness aloud if I do not have my laptop next to me for instance and in doing so, I can release myself from those reactions/patterns instead of suppressing them, because when one suppresses and suppresses the outcome of that might be compromising.

I commit myself to stop, breathe and apply self-forgiveness aloud when and as I see myself becoming angry because someone is not doing what they agreed to do within a specific deadline, so as to be able to be stable here and direct the problem into a constructive solution that is the best for all.

When and as I see myself reacting with moral judgments towards other human beings based on their profession, career, religion, lifestyle, etc, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that if I “see” people based on what I believe who they are because of the behaviors I have connected with their profession/religion/career/lifestyle as of my own experiences from past events and what I have observed on the media, such as movies, I will not be able to see a human being as who they really are, as equal to me.

I commit myself to stop approaching human beings based on labels such as teacher, doctor, lawyer, etc, in order to see individuals as equals and not based on labels that are socially constructed that in any way whatsoever determine who you are as LIFE, because jobs/careers are ONLY a small part of what you do in this world in order to survive and have money, but it is not EVERYTHING and ALL you are.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that my honor/respect is being taking away from someone else, I stop and breathe. I realize that I cannot lose what I am, because what I am it is physical and I am always here as the physical, as breath, as unconditional self-expression.

I commit myself to live the words honor and respect as self-expression through not allowing myself to become angry when someone has apparently done something bad to me through breathing and applying self-forgiveness in such moments so as to see my own responsibility instead of just taking the easy way of victimization and blaming.

lunes, 28 de septiembre de 2015

I Want My Honor Back! (Day 113)

My laptop died some months ago. I took it to a place to have it repaired. It was repaired, but a month later it got broken again. I repaired it again and then it got broken again.

My sister’s boyfriend recommended me a friend of him who was apparently an “expert” on mac. This guy belongs to the same church that my sister and her boyfriend attend, so I thought “This dude must be reliable, because he is a Christian and a friend of my sister’s boyfriend”.

I met the expert and I explained to him the symptoms my laptop had. The first thing he did was asking some questions like “Ok, did they give you the broken hard disk back? No?” and then he said “They didn’t do a good job. They usually don’t fix the real problem because they want to take all people's money. They are not good professionals. Let me handle this”.

Well, this guy fixed my laptop in about 3 days. He said that it was a hard disk problem. Then he added some stuff to my laptop in order to make it run faster and things like that. I was pretty satisfied with the outcome, but …2 days later my laptop got broken again.

I met this guy again and he said he was going to proceed with other steps in order to identify the real problem. All for free; no additional charges. After a week I asked him how things were going. I got no answer. A month passed and I sent him a message, he answered “Give me 20 minutes and I will call you”, but he never did. A week passed and I had to contact him again. He said “I am so sorry I couldn’t answer before, I have been full of stuff…(etc etc) …there’s no solution for your laptop, it basically died”.

The point is that I bought a new hard disk for him to fix it, but as it was not only a hard disk problem and the hard disk I bought got burned, I asked him to pay me half of the total amount I paid for the hard disk. He accepted.

We met, he gave me my laptop back and then he said he was going to get married and that that was the reason why he had been so busy, plus other stuff related to university and things like that. He said “I will pay you the refund by the end of this month (August) or if you allow me, I could make 2 payments; half of the refund this month and the other half by next month”.

Well, he has not paid yet. I am not the type of person who goes like “Hey, pay me!”, unless I really need the money back. I have to say that I have been trying to not become reactive towards this point, but before starting to write this post I realized I was becoming angry when thinking of this.

I realize that I have been suppressing my thoughts/backchats towards this guy. So, here I am going to write them down in order to release them through self-forgiveness and then see what solutions open up.

The thoughts/backchats are the following:

- He spoke behind other people’s back referring to them as not professionals, but he is doing the same, plus he is ignoring my messages and saying he is busy. He is even worse.

- Is he a Christian? I don’t want to deal with Christians anymore. Fucking hypocrites.

- This dude is placing his marriage as an excuse in order to avoid me. What a great husband he is going to be. He has no idea what he is doing. With that attitude/behavior he is going to fail without even realizing why.

- How is it possible for people to act like that? He could be more honest at least and say “here’s your mac, I do not want to pay you the refund”.

Then there’s another dimension; imagination. I have imagined myself going to the church he attends and talking to him, but what I see through this imagination is that anger starts igniting within myself, because somehow, I feel that he is abusing me, like making me feel inferior. So, through my imagination I place myself in this powerful pedestal trying to recover my power through making him feel bad in order to get what I want which is my honor and money lol.  

It’s fascinating how our most evil side crops out in situations like this. You see, I was – through my thoughts/backchats – trying to diminish him through focusing on aspects of his personal life/career, such as being a Christian, a husband, a technician, etc. A sort of moral judgment from the starting point of anger/frustration/revenge. - Where due to my perception towards him, I saw him failing within his marriage for instance, from the starting point of revenge. And actually wanting him to experience that, because he apparently deserves it because of what he did to me.

What I am able to see now is my responsibility within this point, because I never took my mac to a specialized place. I thought “the prices at mac stores are too excessive; I will take it to a cheaper place”, without even directly asking, only trusting my thoughts and other people’s opinions I had heard.

Now – I question my thoughts and imagination. Would it be a constructive solution to go to this guy's church and approach him in an anger/violent/reactive mood telling him “Pay me!”? Of course not lol.  Would that give me "my honor” back? No, because if I am losing something - honor for instance - it’s because it was never lived by me as one. In other words, if I “lose” something, it’s because I actually never expressed it unconditionally within and as myself.

The problem I see is that the media/news shows this type of reactions as the right way to "change the world" so to speak, because no one trusts the law. But, does the law have anything to do in all of this? The law would be the punishment towards "bad guys" and through that, one is supposed to feel happy/satisfied, because at least the "bad guys" are paying for what they did. Really? – So, taking in consideration that the law does not work equally for all, people want to apply justice using their own hands through violence.

The news shows how a bus driver - for instance - gets angry at someone that was apparently diminishing him through honking behind. And then, the bus driver gets off of his bus and breaks the mirrors of the truck driver's vehicle.- Yeah, a bunch of “constructive solutions” are being applied. People are completely possessed by anger and frustration, living/existing with a sort of emptiness inside themselves and trying to fulfill it through using the anger/frustration energy against other human beings.

I realize that constructive solutions are not taught anywhere. Human beings only copy what they see, which is acting upon reactions of happiness or anger = positive or negative = acting based on polarity = automatic zombie mode.

I have seen some TV shows that are apparently a "solution" for all the problems we have nowadays. They expose people that have been doing “bad things” on TV so everyone can see them and have them identified. For instance, I few weeks ago I saw the case of a 56 year-old man who sent videos of him masturbating to teenager girls he met on chats. He also sent voice messages with very explicit sexual connotations and also met some of the girls in person and invited one of the girls to have lunch in a restaurant. The TV show set a whole trap to this man. It is all a show since the moment he met the girls on internet chats until the end of the show when he is faced/confronted with cameras and things like that and Just then realizing that the girls were actresses and that it was all a recorded whole trap for a TV show. Most of these "bad guys" are faced/confronted in the street and there, you can see how society collectively reacts. For instance, in that particular show, the old man was persecuted and then surrounded by many people in the street. Many of them wanted to fight/lynch/punish him. 

Would you like to know what the TV show host asks in those moments? Ok, prepare yourself...“Why did you do it?”, “Don’t you realize that what you are doing is bad?” – I wonder: Does the host really think that someone that is being publicly exposed/attacked in the street is going to calm himself down and would start expressing himself within deeper layers of consciousness, such as past events that are stored within his subconscious mind layer and all the unconscious behaviors/patterns collectively learned that are the result of what we all accept and allow to create? - Oh and there was this guy that suddenly showed up from the crowd in this very angry reaction yelling at the "pedophile": “Don’t you have a mind?!!!” – That was the most terrible/ridiculous part, because actually all these things happen because we do have a mind.

To my view, those TV shows are not supportive at all. They are not taking responsibility through only exposing.They are actually creating more fear among society. They only teach people that such things are only "bad", but they do not explore the real cause in order to explain to society why such patterns/behaviors are created/programmed so as to approach/solve them within our children since their first years for instance. They do not teach/support/assist society to be self-responsible. They only tell you how to live your life based on polarity; doing "good" things and avoiding "bad" things, otherwise society may collectively fight/lynch/punish you in the street and then you may end up in jail.

So – What are we learning/applying? Real solutions? Someone did something "bad" to me - for instance my laptop - and I want to fight/yell/punish/threaten him? I want to face/confront him through going to find him in the church he attends? Judging his life from a moral perspective and wanting bad things to happen to him? Is that going to fix all my problems/frustrations that due to that particular event exploded because I had them suppressed even before meeting that person? 

I will continue...

viernes, 25 de septiembre de 2015

Part II: Stopping Addictions (Day 112)

Within my Previous Post I mentioned that I smoked weed again after quitting for a month and a half and also some realizations I had. I have to say that I have smoked a couple of times more besides that time and here I am going to share how I have been walking this sort of "experiment".

Last weekend I met some friends and they had weed. I didn’t want to smoke the first time they invited me, because I wanted to see how everything from a sober perspective was. I have to say that it was cool. I didn’t need weed to laugh for instance. I was expressing myself in a very confident manner, joking and those types of things that many people -including myself - access when being high.

Some hours later we met another friend and I decided to smoke. This time I was pretty aware of how my expression was without smoking weed, so now while smoking I was observing how slowly but surely I was changing my expression until I got completely high.

The same thing that I mentioned in my previous post happened. A friend started talking and for some reason I interpreted his words as sad, so I became sad. I went “Ok, this is the weed effect, this is not real. Breathe. There’s no need to approach reality based on my feelings/emotions”.

Then, I realized I was completely “lost” in my mind, just thinking and not even paying attention to the words that were being spoken by the beings around me. I can’t even actually remember what I was thinking. So, I would say there was an “empty” space there in relation to my practical application. In other words; I was not here.

Another point I noticed - this time while being in a bar - was that I wasn’t aware of what was happening and being told in my group of friends. I became anxious, kind of expecting something to happen. If I saw something moving out there or coming through a door, I would immediately look to see who was coming, missing my focus. Instead of being me the one doing something, I was expecting it to happen. Interesting pattern that has existed within myself that I have to open up.

But, the last realization I had happened while dancing. I have to say that I am not a great dancer though...anyways, I first danced sober and I was probably not really comfortable as other times, but I was okay with that, because it is kind of hard for me to connect with music through dancing, because I am more used to playing it, but after a few minutes I got that flow that was required to move myself. I went outside to smoke weed and then I came back to dance again. I started seeing everyone – including myself – as a group of individuals that went there for therapy and I couldn’t stop laughing. I was like “Is this really happening? Wait, why are they moving like that? Why are we all here?” I felt ridiculous but I continued dancing… and of course, laughing lol. Everyone was so serious dancing that it made me laugh but it got me worried as well.

I saw it like a very automatic process. Even though people go to such places to “have fun” apparently, their faces didn’t express that. I usually go to such places to see and listen to live music, but, for instance the day I felt anxious like expecting something to happen was because I didn’t have a clear starting point. I just went there just because, probably believing that I was going to have fun, but not conscious.

I have noticed the same that has happened to me in many people when being in such places.Through their body language they look distracted/lost. For instance when I have come through a door, I have observed people's reactions and many of them immediately look while missing connection with what's going on within their group of friends. They look kind of expecting something to happen. Of course they are not specifically looking at me lol; they are in automatic mode all the time looking at everything that moves around. Looking for something, looking for a girl maybe?

And the song goes like this…

Over and over again with those tired and inanimate faces trying to have fun, desperately expecting something to happen, and wanting to escape reality for a while. Dancing high and drunk. Laughing but crying inside. Every time you feel awkward you give the drink another sip. While eyes get frozen with a lost staring one gives the cigarette another unaware puff.

And just in case that didn’t rhyme, we can try this song for one more time.

´Cause as I said before, it takes time to move well my feet on the floor.

It has become like therapy in our society though, but we can’t access real self-expression as when we were kids some years ago.

Oh, and if you wonder whether I am singing high or sober, just ask brother.

Just don’t make assumptions; otherwise it will be your mind influencing your actions.

Okay - I'm not high and I was just kidding/being creative lol. Here I go with some self-forgiveness statements. 

Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as though they were crazy individuals involved in a type of therapy while suddenly perceiving them as “out of context” while they are apparently believing they are doing it great, without realizing that I am also part of the same mechanisms that have society wanting to escape reality because we are tired of expecting and blaming instead of realizing the point of self-responsibility in relation to our minds that can’t be applied through being drunk or high, especially when it has become part of our unaware patterns that one repeats/perpetuates in automatic mode without questioning them because we just accept and allow them as the premise “that’s how things work”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my own starting point when being about to do an activity, such as going out with my friends, without realizing that without having a clear starting point, I am probably going to be in this anxious state wherein I do not know what to do, getting distracted from the words that are being spoken by the beings in my environment and ending up just like a lost observer without knowing how to express myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame weed for placing me in situations where I start experiencing strong emotions, without realizing that weed is actually showing me what I have been suppressing instead of releasing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy people’s mood when I am listening to them based on my interpretation instead of realizing that even though the other person might actually be sad/happy, I should remain stable within myself, because in doing so I can be self-directive and see the physical reality for what it is with no mind and thus, I can allow myself to support myself as well as the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be attentive/empathetic with other beings when they share their experiences unless I am high, without realizing that I can become attentive/empathetic through a simple decision and apply and live that decision as a self-commitment in every moment of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that even though I may realize many stuff while being high, the solution to those realizations must be practical application through being fully here, not distracted or lost in the mind system while expecting something to happen within and as the observer mode.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason why I am feeling alone/isolated is because I have been expecting something to happen without moving myself effectively as self-direction and self-discipline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that actually the word isolate = I-so-late (I am so late) is showing me that I am not moving myself effectively and that I am procrastinating my duties while having many realizations with no practical application, because I fear failing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing before even trying, without realizing that I have created a whole definition of what “failing” is based on my childhood when every time I failed I received a punishment, because it was collectively perceived that failing = something bad = one is bad.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that failing is actually part of learning and every failure is not negative, it in fact represents a brick that can be placed upon another brick and brick by brick I can re-define myself depending on whether I am seeing the brick as what it physically is or as something negatively charged by the mind system based on past experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself in this isolated state due to procrastination, thinking and believing it’s due to being unemployed, without realizing that actually since 2 years ago I started noticing myself procrastinating more and more and I could only be able to express myself effectively once being under pressure or when having a deadline, but as now I do not have any deadlines, I am in a permanent isolation state so to speak, without understanding that I do not have to do my duties for a boss/authority, but for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become isolated, especially now that I am unemployed and I do not have deadlines, because when I was younger, my parents were the ones that were all the time saying “Pablo, do your homework. Pablo you have to do this and that, otherwise you will be grounded” and when I was a teenager the punishment was not allowing me to play the guitar, I basically ended up doing the duties for my parents, because I was kind of threatened and I didn’t want to be without playing music.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to set my own deadlines in order to be more organized and also to find out if I can really trust myself not only at “removing” patterns like stopping smoking cigarettes - for instance - but also at adding new duties/tasks to my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my main addiction is in relation to thoughts, fears and excuses that I have used as a drug in order to remain in my comfort zone while believing I am free for not having duties/responsibilities because I am currently unemployed, without realizing that this addiction has been inserted within myself many years ago, but I have unconsciously covered it with other layers within the mind system.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself getting distracted from what a being is sharing with me, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have proven by myself how I can be more attentive and empathetic and that I am walking the process of developing my utmost potential in order to change myself through being aware of my self-expression here in every moment.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I get distracted from what’s going on within my environment and then, to look at the other person’s eyes in order to be focused on what they are sharing instead of being more focused on who is coming through the door for instance.

When and as I see myself feeling isolated because I think that I apparently don’t have a job, girlfriend and unconditional friends lol, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that those thoughts are only excuses to not move myself effectively as self-direction, because the procrastination has been the main point that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to deconstruct in order to be transcended.

I commit myself to explore myself within who I am as procrastination in the posts to come, in order to release myself from the belief that I have to be under pressure or threatened to be able to express myself.

When and as I see myself fearing to do a task before even starting it, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the fear was programmed within my childhood where every time I failed I received my punishment because the failure was seen/considered as something negative.

I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to fail when having to do a task, especially when it’s a new one that I haven’t done before, so as to transcend the fear to fail and thus, use the failure as a brick that will create the who I am as all, as one, as equal.

domingo, 13 de septiembre de 2015

Stopping Addictions (Day 111)

I have mentioned within some of my previous posts that during this process of quitting smoking weed and cigarettes, weed seemed to be easier to quit than cigarettes, mainly because a month and a half had past and I didn’t experience strong desires to smoke joints as I did with cigarettes.

Well, last weekend I decided to smoke weed again. I was going to meet some friends I hadn’t seen for a while and they always have good weed, so I thought “I haven’t smoked for almost 2 months now, so let’s do it tonight”.

What I noticed was that since I opened myself to the possibility to smoke weed again while still being home, my behavior changed when I arrived to my friend’s house. I was like a desperate dog who seeks for food everywhere lol. Well, the moment came and I smoked. At first it was weird because I didn’t remember how the experience was. I went through many stages though.

The first thing; I became more attentive and engaged in conversations. I started enjoying myself more while talking to people. Then, something happened. When people shared stuff I didn’t completely agree with, I started feeling bad. For instance, one of the beings there mentioned some stuff in relation to his own life and as I was very attentive, it was like I could apparently feel what he felt. I became kind of sad, worried and anxious.

Then, these emotions started becoming bigger and bigger and I felt trapped. I was like “Oh no, shit, what’s going on? Please stop”. I started experiencing what I felt the days before stopping smoking weed; a sort of panic attack. So, what I did was breathing in deeply, holding and breathing out. The emotions / thoughts / backchats lasted for about 5 minutes. Then, I grabbed my guitar and started playing and everything changed. I didn’t feel bad anymore.

What I realized through smoking weed again was that… let’s say… I am not “ready” yet.  I also realized what I am capable of doing, which is being more open to share with others, listening to them in a very attentive manner and that if I am able to do that through smoking weed, I can also develop it without weed. So, I basically realized what my utmost potential can be like.

I didn’t / don’t feel guilty for smoking weed after quitting or anything like that. I do not feel like I failed / fell, because I wanted to do it, plus it was cool to experiment with myself and have such realizations.

Now, with regards to the emotions I experienced. There is this huge concern that emerges sometimes during the day, but especially when I wake up. It’s like I full myself with “what ifs”. I place myself in different scenarios where I see bad things happening to me / my family. I then go into this paranoia where I see many things connected and I try to find a meaning behind it while fear starts building up until I say “Stop!” – Within some other days I experience the same issues inside my head BUT I face them differently with a more practical stance and it does not affect me emotionally. The concern / scenarios are just there but no fear builds up.

So, what happened through smoking weed again was that I went through these fears while listening to some beings’ experiences, but as weed intensifies everything within myself, I couldn’t control it immediately, because I thought that the fear was me. Then, when I grabbed my guitar, I switched from a mind state into a physical moment and thus, the fear stopped.

The question is; what’s going on with me? Lol. I would say that being unemployed became a kind of static mode. I am not physically moving myself a lot as I used to. And, as I am not physically moving, my mind does the work perfectly. How does this happen? When I wake up, I spend a lot of time in bed. I start thinking and thinking and that’s when I - through my own acceptance and allowance - start placing myself in worst case scenarios where I see bad things happening within my life and then, I become possessed by fear until I realize  I was in my mind and I stop.

I have never been a person who likes sports in order to keep myself busy or physically moving. And I do not think that the key is to look out there for something “fun” to do in order to avoid being trapped by my mind, otherwise it would be the same; depending on something external to "enjoy" myself. Plus, self-control should be present in every moment, in every place I am, unconditionally.

There are people that say “I can’t stay too much time at home, I need to be busy”. Well, I am the type of person who does not mind being home. Although, I have to say that being more physically active through my last job was nice. But, I realize that now that I spend more time being alone and not sharing with people as I used to, something has been showing up within myself. Something that was probably there for a long time and that I perhaps kept suppressed while being busy through having a job.

I have gone through these thoughts of “I do not have a job, I have no value. People will think I am lazy. I am running out of money. I do not have a partner. I bet girls think I am weird. Since I stopped smoking weed my friends do not invite me go out. I am alone”.

The first couple of thoughts related to having a job were easily managed, because a job does not define me. I enjoy doing other stuff that are not valued within this system, but it’s not that I am wrong or anything like that.

Secondly, with regards to what people may think of me because I do not have a job…well, people will always have opinions and I cannot live my life in order to make people think the way I would like them to think, so being worried about that point is useless. Besides that, their way of thinking is pretty much influenced by the system, so they measure people through standards / figures / money and life is not only about that.

In relation to girls, I realize that most of them do not enjoy opening up and sharing common sense topics. It’s like if I wanted to have a girlfriend, I would have to pretend to be someone else or amalgamating myself as a type of personality, but I am not interested in doing that. It’s really hard to get to know someone, especially when they do not even know themselves that “finding” someone will have to happen naturally without having any kind of expectation.

And, in relation to friends, if they do not invite me to go out since I stopped smoking weed, that tells me that their friendship / companion is not unconditional; it depends on weed / alcohol, because none of us is able to say “Guys, let’s meet for a chat?”. It’s always something like “Where’s the party? Who has the joints?”

So, there’s no reason for me to feel “bad”. It’s actually an opportunity for me to realize some interesting dimensions in relation to life and relationships in general. If one is not part of the system, one may feel excluded and then, one tends to do what the rest does so as to feel accepted / valued, but that’s not real acceptance / value.

I will continue…