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I Want My Honor Back! (Day 113)


My laptop died some months ago. I took it to a place to have it repaired. It was repaired, but a month later it got broken again. I repaired it again and then it got broken again.

My sister’s boyfriend recommended me a friend of him who was apparently an “expert” on mac. This guy belongs to the same church that my sister and her boyfriend attend, so I thought “This dude must be reliable, because he is a Christian and a friend of my sister’s boyfriend”.

I met the expert and I explained to him the symptoms my laptop had. The first thing he did was asking some questions like “Ok, did they give you the broken hard disk back? No?” and then he said “They didn’t do a good job. They usually don’t fix the real problem because they want to take all people's money. They are not good professionals. Let me handle this”.

Well, this guy fixed my laptop in about 3 days. He said that it was a hard disk problem. Then he added some stuff to my laptop in order to make it run faster and things like that. I was pretty satisfied with the outcome, but …2 days later my laptop got broken again.

I met this guy again and he said he was going to proceed with other steps in order to identify the real problem. All for free; no additional charges. After a week I asked him how things were going. I got no answer. A month passed and I sent him a message, he answered “Give me 20 minutes and I will call you”, but he never did. A week passed and I had to contact him again. He said “I am so sorry I couldn’t answer before, I have been full of stuff…(etc etc) …there’s no solution for your laptop, it basically died”.

The point is that I bought a new hard disk for him to fix it, but as it was not only a hard disk problem and the hard disk I bought got burned, I asked him to pay me half of the total amount I paid for the hard disk. He accepted.

We met, he gave me my laptop back and then he said he was going to get married and that that was the reason why he had been so busy, plus other stuff related to university and things like that. He said “I will pay you the refund by the end of this month (August) or if you allow me, I could make 2 payments; half of the refund this month and the other half by next month”.

Well, he has not paid yet. I am not the type of person who goes like “Hey, pay me!”, unless I really need the money back. I have to say that I have been trying to not become reactive towards this point, but before starting to write this post I realized I was becoming angry when thinking of this.

I realize that I have been suppressing my thoughts/backchats towards this guy. So, here I am going to write them down in order to release them through self-forgiveness and then see what solutions open up.

The thoughts/backchats are the following:

- He spoke behind other people’s back referring to them as not professionals, but he is doing the same, plus he is ignoring my messages and saying he is busy. He is even worse.

- Is he a Christian? I don’t want to deal with Christians anymore. Fucking hypocrites.

- This dude is placing his marriage as an excuse in order to avoid me. What a great husband he is going to be. He has no idea what he is doing. With that attitude/behavior he is going to fail without even realizing why.

- How is it possible for people to act like that? He could be more honest at least and say “here’s your mac, I do not want to pay you the refund”.

Then there’s another dimension; imagination. I have imagined myself going to the church he attends and talking to him, but what I see through this imagination is that anger starts igniting within myself, because somehow, I feel that he is abusing me, like making me feel inferior. So, through my imagination I place myself in this powerful pedestal trying to recover my power through making him feel bad in order to get what I want which is my honor and money lol.  

It’s fascinating how our most evil side crops out in situations like this. You see, I was – through my thoughts/backchats – trying to diminish him through focusing on aspects of his personal life/career, such as being a Christian, a husband, a technician, etc. A sort of moral judgment from the starting point of anger/frustration/revenge. - Where due to my perception towards him, I saw him failing within his marriage for instance, from the starting point of revenge. And actually wanting him to experience that, because he apparently deserves it because of what he did to me.

What I am able to see now is my responsibility within this point, because I never took my mac to a specialized place. I thought “the prices at mac stores are too excessive; I will take it to a cheaper place”, without even directly asking, only trusting my thoughts and other people’s opinions I had heard.

Now – I question my thoughts and imagination. Would it be a constructive solution to go to this guy's church and approach him in an anger/violent/reactive mood telling him “Pay me!”? Of course not lol.  Would that give me "my honor” back? No, because if I am losing something - honor for instance - it’s because it was never lived by me as one. In other words, if I “lose” something, it’s because I actually never expressed it unconditionally within and as myself.

The problem I see is that the media/news shows this type of reactions as the right way to "change the world" so to speak, because no one trusts the law. But, does the law have anything to do in all of this? The law would be the punishment towards "bad guys" and through that, one is supposed to feel happy/satisfied, because at least the "bad guys" are paying for what they did. Really? – So, taking in consideration that the law does not work equally for all, people want to apply justice using their own hands through violence.

The news shows how a bus driver - for instance - gets angry at someone that was apparently diminishing him through honking behind. And then, the bus driver gets off of his bus and breaks the mirrors of the truck driver's vehicle.- Yeah, a bunch of “constructive solutions” are being applied. People are completely possessed by anger and frustration, living/existing with a sort of emptiness inside themselves and trying to fulfill it through using the anger/frustration energy against other human beings.

I realize that constructive solutions are not taught anywhere. Human beings only copy what they see, which is acting upon reactions of happiness or anger = positive or negative = acting based on polarity = automatic zombie mode.

I have seen some TV shows that are apparently a "solution" for all the problems we have nowadays. They expose people that have been doing “bad things” on TV so everyone can see them and have them identified. For instance, I few weeks ago I saw the case of a 56 year-old man who sent videos of him masturbating to teenager girls he met on chats. He also sent voice messages with very explicit sexual connotations and also met some of the girls in person and invited one of the girls to have lunch in a restaurant. The TV show set a whole trap to this man. It is all a show since the moment he met the girls on internet chats until the end of the show when he is faced/confronted with cameras and things like that and Just then realizing that the girls were actresses and that it was all a recorded whole trap for a TV show. Most of these "bad guys" are faced/confronted in the street and there, you can see how society collectively reacts. For instance, in that particular show, the old man was persecuted and then surrounded by many people in the street. Many of them wanted to fight/lynch/punish him. 

Would you like to know what the TV show host asks in those moments? Ok, prepare yourself...“Why did you do it?”, “Don’t you realize that what you are doing is bad?” – I wonder: Does the host really think that someone that is being publicly exposed/attacked in the street is going to calm himself down and would start expressing himself within deeper layers of consciousness, such as past events that are stored within his subconscious mind layer and all the unconscious behaviors/patterns collectively learned that are the result of what we all accept and allow to create? - Oh and there was this guy that suddenly showed up from the crowd in this very angry reaction yelling at the "pedophile": “Don’t you have a mind?!!!” – That was the most terrible/ridiculous part, because actually all these things happen because we do have a mind.

To my view, those TV shows are not supportive at all. They are not taking responsibility through only exposing.They are actually creating more fear among society. They only teach people that such things are only "bad", but they do not explore the real cause in order to explain to society why such patterns/behaviors are created/programmed so as to approach/solve them within our children since their first years for instance. They do not teach/support/assist society to be self-responsible. They only tell you how to live your life based on polarity; doing "good" things and avoiding "bad" things, otherwise society may collectively fight/lynch/punish you in the street and then you may end up in jail.

So – What are we learning/applying? Real solutions? Someone did something "bad" to me - for instance my laptop - and I want to fight/yell/punish/threaten him? I want to face/confront him through going to find him in the church he attends? Judging his life from a moral perspective and wanting bad things to happen to him? Is that going to fix all my problems/frustrations that due to that particular event exploded because I had them suppressed even before meeting that person? 

I will continue...

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