Within my Previous Post I mentioned that I smoked weed again after quitting for a month and a half and also some realizations I had. I have to say that I have smoked a couple of times more besides that time and here I am going to share how I have been walking this sort of "experiment".
Last weekend I met some friends and they had weed. I didn’t want to smoke the first time they invited me, because I wanted to see how everything from a sober perspective was. I have to say that it was cool. I didn’t need weed to laugh for instance. I was expressing myself in a very confident manner, joking and those types of things that many people -including myself - access when being high.
Some hours later we met another friend and I decided to smoke. This time I was pretty aware of how my expression was without smoking weed, so now while smoking I was observing how slowly but surely I was changing my expression until I got completely high.
The same thing that I mentioned in my previous post happened. A friend started talking and for some reason I interpreted his words as sad, so I became sad. I went “Ok, this is the weed effect, this is not real. Breathe. There’s no need to approach reality based on my feelings/emotions”.
Then, I realized I was completely “lost” in my mind, just thinking and not even paying attention to the words that were being spoken by the beings around me. I can’t even actually remember what I was thinking. So, I would say there was an “empty” space there in relation to my practical application. In other words; I was not here.
Another point I noticed - this time while being in a bar - was that I wasn’t aware of what was happening and being told in my group of friends. I became anxious, kind of expecting something to happen. If I saw something moving out there or coming through a door, I would immediately look to see who was coming, missing my focus. Instead of being me the one doing something, I was expecting it to happen. Interesting pattern that has existed within myself that I have to open up.
But, the last realization I had happened while dancing. I have to say that I am not a great dancer though...anyways, I first danced sober and I was probably not really comfortable as other times, but I was okay with that, because it is kind of hard for me to connect with music through dancing, because I am more used to playing it, but after a few minutes I got that flow that was required to move myself. I went outside to smoke weed and then I came back to dance again. I started seeing everyone – including myself – as a group of individuals that went there for therapy and I couldn’t stop laughing. I was like “Is this really happening? Wait, why are they moving like that? Why are we all here?” I felt ridiculous but I continued dancing… and of course, laughing lol. Everyone was so serious dancing that it made me laugh but it got me worried as well.
I saw it like a very automatic process. Even though people go to such places to “have fun” apparently, their faces didn’t express that. I usually go to such places to see and listen to live music, but, for instance the day I felt anxious like expecting something to happen was because I didn’t have a clear starting point. I just went there just because, probably believing that I was going to have fun, but not conscious.
I have noticed the same that has happened to me in many people when being in such places.Through their body language they look distracted/lost. For instance when I have come through a door, I have observed people's reactions and many of them immediately look while missing connection with what's going on within their group of friends. They look kind of expecting something to happen. Of course they are not specifically looking at me lol; they are in automatic mode all the time looking at everything that moves around. Looking for something, looking for a girl maybe?
And the song goes like this…
Over and over again with those tired and inanimate faces trying to have fun, desperately expecting something to happen, and wanting to escape reality for a while. Dancing high and drunk. Laughing but crying inside. Every time you feel awkward you give the drink another sip. While eyes get frozen with a lost staring one gives the cigarette another unaware puff.
And just in case that didn’t rhyme, we can try this song for one more time.
´Cause as I said before, it takes time to move well my feet on the floor.
It has become like therapy in our society though, but we can’t access real self-expression as when we were kids some years ago.
Oh, and if you wonder whether I am singing high or sober, just ask brother.
Just don’t make assumptions; otherwise it will be your mind influencing your actions.
Okay - I'm not high and I was just kidding/being creative lol. Here I go with some self-forgiveness statements.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as though they were crazy individuals involved in a type of therapy while suddenly perceiving them as “out of context” while they are apparently believing they are doing it great, without realizing that I am also part of the same mechanisms that have society wanting to escape reality because we are tired of expecting and blaming instead of realizing the point of self-responsibility in relation to our minds that can’t be applied through being drunk or high, especially when it has become part of our unaware patterns that one repeats/perpetuates in automatic mode without questioning them because we just accept and allow them as the premise “that’s how things work”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my own starting point when being about to do an activity, such as going out with my friends, without realizing that without having a clear starting point, I am probably going to be in this anxious state wherein I do not know what to do, getting distracted from the words that are being spoken by the beings in my environment and ending up just like a lost observer without knowing how to express myself effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame weed for placing me in situations where I start experiencing strong emotions, without realizing that weed is actually showing me what I have been suppressing instead of releasing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to copy people’s mood when I am listening to them based on my interpretation instead of realizing that even though the other person might actually be sad/happy, I should remain stable within myself, because in doing so I can be self-directive and see the physical reality for what it is with no mind and thus, I can allow myself to support myself as well as the other person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be attentive/empathetic with other beings when they share their experiences unless I am high, without realizing that I can become attentive/empathetic through a simple decision and apply and live that decision as a self-commitment in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that even though I may realize many stuff while being high, the solution to those realizations must be practical application through being fully here, not distracted or lost in the mind system while expecting something to happen within and as the observer mode.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason why I am feeling alone/isolated is because I have been expecting something to happen without moving myself effectively as self-direction and self-discipline.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that actually the word isolate = I-so-late (I am so late) is showing me that I am not moving myself effectively and that I am procrastinating my duties while having many realizations with no practical application, because I fear failing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing before even trying, without realizing that I have created a whole definition of what “failing” is based on my childhood when every time I failed I received a punishment, because it was collectively perceived that failing = something bad = one is bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that failing is actually part of learning and every failure is not negative, it in fact represents a brick that can be placed upon another brick and brick by brick I can re-define myself depending on whether I am seeing the brick as what it physically is or as something negatively charged by the mind system based on past experiences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself in this isolated state due to procrastination, thinking and believing it’s due to being unemployed, without realizing that actually since 2 years ago I started noticing myself procrastinating more and more and I could only be able to express myself effectively once being under pressure or when having a deadline, but as now I do not have any deadlines, I am in a permanent isolation state so to speak, without understanding that I do not have to do my duties for a boss/authority, but for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become isolated, especially now that I am unemployed and I do not have deadlines, because when I was younger, my parents were the ones that were all the time saying “Pablo, do your homework. Pablo you have to do this and that, otherwise you will be grounded” and when I was a teenager the punishment was not allowing me to play the guitar, I basically ended up doing the duties for my parents, because I was kind of threatened and I didn’t want to be without playing music.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be able to set my own deadlines in order to be more organized and also to find out if I can really trust myself not only at “removing” patterns like stopping smoking cigarettes - for instance - but also at adding new duties/tasks to my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my main addiction is in relation to thoughts, fears and excuses that I have used as a drug in order to remain in my comfort zone while believing I am free for not having duties/responsibilities because I am currently unemployed, without realizing that this addiction has been inserted within myself many years ago, but I have unconsciously covered it with other layers within the mind system.
When and as I see myself getting distracted from what a being is sharing with me, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have proven by myself how I can be more attentive and empathetic and that I am walking the process of developing my utmost potential in order to change myself through being aware of my self-expression here in every moment.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I get distracted from what’s going on within my environment and then, to look at the other person’s eyes in order to be focused on what they are sharing instead of being more focused on who is coming through the door for instance.
When and as I see myself feeling isolated because I think that I apparently don’t have a job, girlfriend and unconditional friends lol, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that those thoughts are only excuses to not move myself effectively as self-direction, because the procrastination has been the main point that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to deconstruct in order to be transcended.
I commit myself to explore myself within who I am as procrastination in the posts to come, in order to release myself from the belief that I have to be under pressure or threatened to be able to express myself.
When and as I see myself fearing to do a task before even starting it, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the fear was programmed within my childhood where every time I failed I received my punishment because the failure was seen/considered as something negative.
I commit myself to give myself the opportunity to fail when having to do a task, especially when it’s a new one that I haven’t done before, so as to transcend the fear to fail and thus, use the failure as a brick that will create the who I am as all, as one, as equal.