Stopping Addictions (Day 111)

I have mentioned within some of my previous posts that during this process of quitting smoking weed and cigarettes, weed seemed to be easier to quit than cigarettes, mainly because a month and a half had past and I didn’t experience strong desires to smoke joints as I did with cigarettes.

Well, last weekend I decided to smoke weed again. I was going to meet some friends I hadn’t seen for a while and they always have good weed, so I thought “I haven’t smoked for almost 2 months now, so let’s do it tonight”.

What I noticed was that since I opened myself to the possibility to smoke weed again while still being home, my behavior changed when I arrived to my friend’s house. I was like a desperate dog who seeks for food everywhere lol. Well, the moment came and I smoked. At first it was weird because I didn’t remember how the experience was. I went through many stages though.

The first thing; I became more attentive and engaged in conversations. I started enjoying myself more while talking to people. Then, something happened. When people shared stuff I didn’t completely agree with, I started feeling bad. For instance, one of the beings there mentioned some stuff in relation to his own life and as I was very attentive, it was like I could apparently feel what he felt. I became kind of sad, worried and anxious.

Then, these emotions started becoming bigger and bigger and I felt trapped. I was like “Oh no, shit, what’s going on? Please stop”. I started experiencing what I felt the days before stopping smoking weed; a sort of panic attack. So, what I did was breathing in deeply, holding and breathing out. The emotions / thoughts / backchats lasted for about 5 minutes. Then, I grabbed my guitar and started playing and everything changed. I didn’t feel bad anymore.

What I realized through smoking weed again was that… let’s say… I am not “ready” yet.  I also realized what I am capable of doing, which is being more open to share with others, listening to them in a very attentive manner and that if I am able to do that through smoking weed, I can also develop it without weed. So, I basically realized what my utmost potential can be like.

I didn’t / don’t feel guilty for smoking weed after quitting or anything like that. I do not feel like I failed / fell, because I wanted to do it, plus it was cool to experiment with myself and have such realizations.

Now, with regards to the emotions I experienced. There is this huge concern that emerges sometimes during the day, but especially when I wake up. It’s like I full myself with “what ifs”. I place myself in different scenarios where I see bad things happening to me / my family. I then go into this paranoia where I see many things connected and I try to find a meaning behind it while fear starts building up until I say “Stop!” – Within some other days I experience the same issues inside my head BUT I face them differently with a more practical stance and it does not affect me emotionally. The concern / scenarios are just there but no fear builds up.

So, what happened through smoking weed again was that I went through these fears while listening to some beings’ experiences, but as weed intensifies everything within myself, I couldn’t control it immediately, because I thought that the fear was me. Then, when I grabbed my guitar, I switched from a mind state into a physical moment and thus, the fear stopped.

The question is; what’s going on with me? Lol. I would say that being unemployed became a kind of static mode. I am not physically moving myself a lot as I used to. And, as I am not physically moving, my mind does the work perfectly. How does this happen? When I wake up, I spend a lot of time in bed. I start thinking and thinking and that’s when I - through my own acceptance and allowance - start placing myself in worst case scenarios where I see bad things happening within my life and then, I become possessed by fear until I realize  I was in my mind and I stop.

I have never been a person who likes sports in order to keep myself busy or physically moving. And I do not think that the key is to look out there for something “fun” to do in order to avoid being trapped by my mind, otherwise it would be the same; depending on something external to "enjoy" myself. Plus, self-control should be present in every moment, in every place I am, unconditionally.

There are people that say “I can’t stay too much time at home, I need to be busy”. Well, I am the type of person who does not mind being home. Although, I have to say that being more physically active through my last job was nice. But, I realize that now that I spend more time being alone and not sharing with people as I used to, something has been showing up within myself. Something that was probably there for a long time and that I perhaps kept suppressed while being busy through having a job.

I have gone through these thoughts of “I do not have a job, I have no value. People will think I am lazy. I am running out of money. I do not have a partner. I bet girls think I am weird. Since I stopped smoking weed my friends do not invite me go out. I am alone”.

The first couple of thoughts related to having a job were easily managed, because a job does not define me. I enjoy doing other stuff that are not valued within this system, but it’s not that I am wrong or anything like that.

Secondly, with regards to what people may think of me because I do not have a job…well, people will always have opinions and I cannot live my life in order to make people think the way I would like them to think, so being worried about that point is useless. Besides that, their way of thinking is pretty much influenced by the system, so they measure people through standards / figures / money and life is not only about that.

In relation to girls, I realize that most of them do not enjoy opening up and sharing common sense topics. It’s like if I wanted to have a girlfriend, I would have to pretend to be someone else or amalgamating myself as a type of personality, but I am not interested in doing that. It’s really hard to get to know someone, especially when they do not even know themselves that “finding” someone will have to happen naturally without having any kind of expectation.

And, in relation to friends, if they do not invite me to go out since I stopped smoking weed, that tells me that their friendship / companion is not unconditional; it depends on weed / alcohol, because none of us is able to say “Guys, let’s meet for a chat?”. It’s always something like “Where’s the party? Who has the joints?”

So, there’s no reason for me to feel “bad”. It’s actually an opportunity for me to realize some interesting dimensions in relation to life and relationships in general. If one is not part of the system, one may feel excluded and then, one tends to do what the rest does so as to feel accepted / valued, but that’s not real acceptance / value.

I will continue…