viernes, 23 de octubre de 2015

Ignore & Forget: The Condition Beneath Invisible Violence (Day 117)


It seems like human beings are used to define violence within 2 dimensions, which are physical and emotional/psycological violence. The physical one when using our hands or whatever we found around to punish someone such as a knife, a gun or any type of weapon. The emotional/psychological violence when we use our words to make someone feel bad, especially through our voice tonality and the use of pejoratives. Another category existing here is cyber bullying, which is when people send text messages attacking a specific person and they create all sort of lies in order to create a chaos within the victim’s life.

But there are some other types of violence that are not that visible that I would like to mention here. They are not obvious or palpable as the previous ones. I am going to refer to 2 specific ones.

The first one is symbolic violence. Even though this one is evident, we do not understand it as violent. Why? Because it’s part of what we have accepted as ‘normal’. What would be an example of symbolic violence? Well, in my country is very common to see beer commercials where they show women with big boobs, bikinis and ‘perfect bodies’ next to the beers. What is this invisibly causing? It perpetuates gender roles and stereotypes. The male kind of going ‘bring me my beer, bitch’. Women’s bodies used to get males’ attention. Also when you go to the mall and you see models next to expensive cars. Why don’t they use male models? I bet most females models even feel proud when modeling next to a Ferrari with their huge asses and boobs getting all the attention without even being aware how they are being instruMENTALized for cash. And yeah, they are making their dreams/desires/goals come true.

But there is this other type of violence that I don’t know what to call it. It’s when we Ignore and then we Forget. For instance I have noticed that sometimes I am checking e-mails/threads/messages and someone is asking a question, I may know the answer. Or probably there’s no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer, because only a feedback is required, but I Ignore it and then I just Forget. It seems to be a very subtle and silent type of violence but it has its consequences. For instance when parents are busy doing some stuff and then they go outside to do other stuff and they ‘forgot’ that they were preparing french fries and they ‘ignored’ or ‘forgot’ that their baby was playing around and then an accident happens and the baby gets burned. I would say it is linked to neglect/negligence/laxati.

We think that when we ignore we are not responsible, especially because no one else will know it and it remains within our secrets. But probably if we would have expressed ourselves differently, in self-awareness,  the outcome would be different.

When I have a look within myself after I have forgotten after ignoring, I realize that there’s ego playing out. Why? Because we know with whom to do it and with whom we must not. And the reasons why I have ignored are: I don’t care, I’m having too much right now, I am busy, I will do it later (then we forget), someone else will do it, this is not really relevant, I am too shy to go and tell them, etc.

I remember that some years ago I was walking down the street and I saw a parked car with the lights on next to a house. The driver had Forgotten to turn the lights off so he Ignored that he was going to run out of battery. I thought ‘the car battery is going to die. I should knock at the door and tell them about it’, but what did I do? I thought ‘naa, I don’t even know them. Probably they won’t take longer and it won’t be a problem. Plus, I am late’ and I Ignored the situation. I saw an opportunity to help, but I didn’t because I was so used to Ignore that I felt guilty for a couple of minutes until I then just... Forgot.

Is that violent? I would say yes, because I didn’t place myself in the other person’s shoes. I didn’t help them as I would have liked to be helped, therefore, if I am allowing a negative consequence, if I am not helping, what am I doing? I am approving it to continue happening.

It functions as it follows: We consciously Ignore and then we unconsciously Forget.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Ignore something/someone because I do not want to take responsibility and I prefer using excuses and justifications in order to avoid going through that point that creates resistance within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not in fact Ignoring something separate of me, because we are all one and equal, therefore, when I Ignore someone I am Forgetting about myself and thus, I end up Forgetting that I have also Ignored myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I Ignore I am doing it from and as my ego, because if I define the opportunity as something that can bring me a positive experience I will do it, but if I have defined the opportunity as something not relevant, I will Ignore it, because I am placing myself in the superior side of the polarity equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the first letters of Ignore and Forget create the conditional ‘IF’ which means that ‘I will do it IF I get something positive’, for instance let the driver know that they Forgot to turn off the lights of the car IF the driver is a hot girl, but I won’t do it IF it’s someone to whom I do not react to with feelings/attraction.  Therefore, I forvive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself based on conditions without unconditionally apply the principle of ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question myself when I am Ignoring and then just unconsciously Forget, completely losing self-awareness until the consequences manifest as guilt for instance, where I regret that I didn’t do it when I had the chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the consequences when human beings collectively Ignore each other, without realizing that in Ignoring each other, we are actually Forgetting that we are all one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason why one prefers Ignoring is because no one wants to take responsibility, because people are tired and full of problems that having another thing to be worried about might be ‘negative’, because we are not taught anywhere how to practically manage our minds as thoughts, feelings and emotions, so most of the times we tend to make things look bigger than what they are and we get trapped within our minds without knowing how to give ourselves direction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed before Ignoring something/someone when having the situation in front of me, without actually asking myself ‘why am I experiencing myself like this?’ and just act upon that apparent excess to finally – and as usual – Forget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I must function within this pattern of Ignore and Forget due to how the world functions nowadays, as though it was a sort of defense mechanism against all the problems we have nowadays within and without in order to have a better life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myseld to think and believe that through the pattern of Ignore and Forget I am going to have a better life, without seeing, realizing and understanding the consequences on a global and personal level.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define a ‘better life’ as ‘not having problems’ without realizing that the problem is that one tends to negatively charge situations as ‘problems’ and then, just becoming overwhelmed when being in front of a situation without being able to direct it effectively and efficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be self-manipulated by language/words, because if I approach an event in a neutral/stable stance without calling it a ‘problem’ or ‘situation’ as something  ‘negative’ and instead I call them ‘opportunites’ the whole experience will change, because it will work equally for me to expand myself and for others to become more effective to not to Forget.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that through being someone that Ignores makes me an interesting being who is hard to reach and not easy to decode, without realizing that I am the one who does not know how to reach myself in terms of decoding my own patterns, in order to set myself free from limitations and be able to unconditionally express myself as one and equal.


I will continue...

miércoles, 21 de octubre de 2015

Procrastination & Self-Judgment (Day 116)


I am in front of the screen now. I was for a moment with my mind in a blank when realizing that my writings haven’t been moving as I like it. This is of course related to me not moving myself effectively in terms of doing what it has to be done, not only within writing but also within some other dimensions that require direction in my life.

I see there are a few tasks I have to do that I have procrastinated. What I have noticed is that when trying to move myself after procrastinating, suddenly something happens that makes the tasks harder. 'Harder', meaning that something unexpected happens that creates more and more resistance/friction within myself. It’s like ‘Oh I have lots of things to do, I will do them tomorrow’, then 2 weeks pass and I go ‘Ok, now it’s time. Oh no, why does this have to happen when I have just decided to move myself?’.

What I am able to see here is that I am easily giving up and that I tend to make things look bigger than what they are within my mind. I am actually moving within and as polarity.

A couple of months ago I remember I felt powerless due to certain events that took place in my life. I woke up almost every morning experiencing fear. Now I am participating in this ‘I don’t care’ stance, because I am no longer fearful towards the points that used to create fear within myself, but what it’s not acceptable is that I am in this ‘passive mode’ becoming a sort of apathetic being where I do not want anyone to tell me anything. I’m in this ‘hippie state’ where I am relaxed...too relaxed I would say, procrastinating, worried about nothing, like everything’s fine because I can procrastinate as much as I can because apparently no one has power over me.

This is funny, because in thinking that ‘no one has power over me’ means that that thought has got me physically stagnant. In other words, I am following that thought. Therefore, there’s something that does have power over me: my own mind.

The problem is when I believe I am my thoughts, because I am not able to see the subtle difference between thoughts v/s self-honest realizations. Hang on...I see it, but it’s easier to pretend I do not. What do I get from all of this? Well, I realize that I am not in fact procrastinating tasks per se. I am actually procrastinating myself which leads into self-neglect, depression, frustration, anger, etc.

A word has just come to my mind: Self-Judgment. This is a point that I have previously mentioned in my posts. I would say that my biggest systems existing within myself are Self-Judgment and Procrastination in relation to having to move myself effectively.

Now – the underlying point existing beneath Procrastination is feeling good/relaxed which is something ‘positive’ because one tends to look for stuff that we enjoy, such us alchohol, drugs, food, parties, social meetings, shopping, watching tv, spending hours on facebook or youtube, etc. On the other hand, I have Self-Judgment which is linked to Fear and it contains a ‘negative’ charge/connotation.

So, I am able to see the equation: Self-Judgment + Procrastination = Being Stagnant, where I move within and as cycles. Some months ago I was worried/fearful in a sort of paranoia, but now it’s like I don’t care, because ‘I am too busy procrastinating’ lol.

It might sound funny, but I have realized that you can actually become ‘stressed’ due to procrastinating when you avoid taking responsibility where one is only looking for the things that somehow make us feel ‘better’.

This year as an ‘unemployed citizen’ has been like being on a permanent vacation. I dare to say that only having what one apparently loves/likes/enjoys – being on an endless vacation with no responsibilities in my case - can lead you into a routine. I have realized that it’s not the routine in itself that creates the experience of routine. It’s ourselves, it’s the way we move along the tasks we do, it’s our perception/interpretation. It’s related to being stagnant in a thought, exactly as I have done lately for instance, when believing I am the thought that tells me “I don’t care because no one has power over me’.

Hang on, I apparently had nothing to write about when I had my mind in a blank when being in front of the screen. I realize that when I experience that ‘blank’ or ‘lack of inspiration’ is because I actually do have some points to write about, but I keep them suppressed due to Procrastination and Self-Judgment.  Why Self-Judgment within this point? Because I do not want to face myself through a self-honest introspection which means that I am not unconditionally supporting myself as the physical expression of love.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally support myself through self-honest introspection because I fear facing myself and I instead hide behind procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the thought that tells me ‘I don’t care because no one has power over me’, without realizing that in following that thought I am actually giving my power away to the mind, because thoughts are indeed created within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as polarity when being stagnant between procrastination and self-judgment when holding onto the thought ‘I don’t care because no one has power over me’ without realizing that that thought pattern is an attempt of the mind system to compensate the previous fear I experienced as negative energy a couple of months ago when I didn’t want to move myself effectively in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become this apathetic being when I do not want anyone to help me be out of my comfort zone, going ‘yeah, I know. Did you finish?’ without being able to see other people’s support, because I am so positive within my procrastination that everything they mention in relation to my current life status is perceived by me as meddlesome, intrusive, and negative intentions, like raping my privacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stagnant within polarity without seeing, realizing and understanding that this alter-ego that only focuses on the positive side of the procrastination is just a personality I am using to feel better as perception/ideas/beliefs solely, but in real/physical life creating no movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require a personality as the perpetuation of a thought pattern so as to change my current status where I am not moving myself effectively in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be consistent with myself in terms of applying my self-realizations, because I prefer avoiding/ignoring instead of doing it right now or when I have the time to do it, because I place my attention in other stuff that bring me a positive experience, but I end up distracted doing nothing, only saying ‘I will do it tomorrow’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good within procrastination, because I have perceived it as a sort of ‘freedom’ without realizing that that’s a mindfuck, because I am calling ‘freedom’ what it is actually a trap/cycle that keeps me physically stagnant within and as the thought/stance ‘I don’t care’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that to change this pattern will seem to be difficult at first, because there are lots of garbage I have accumulated for many years that I have to sweep, but once I am on it I will realize that ‘it was not that bad’, because I tend to make things look bigger than what they are within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things look bigger than what they really are within my mind as an excuse in order to not move myself effectively in my life, without realizing that in doing that, I am in fact being the creator of my own experience of resistance/procrastination/self-judgment; seeing through the mind as perceptions/ideas/beliefs instead of looking at things as what they actually are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the apathetic persona I am participating in which apparently makes me feel better, contains fear as the underlying source, but I do not see it because it wears a mask and it places the mask onto everything it sees in order to make one see everything through the eyes of that character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer holding onto thoughts/personas/characters instead of working with the physical, without realizing that when I hold onto energy whether positve or negative, I will then end up trapped in between where I will probably be able to identify the positve and the negative components, but I won’t be able to identify myself as ‘who I am’ within the equation, unless I physically stand up, stop the thought pattern, and give myself direction in self-honesty and commonsense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that feeling good within procrastination is just an illusion, because I am currently feeling good, but a couple of months ago I was stressed/worried/fearful/paranoid and now I have switched to the other side of the polarity, which means that if I do not stop swaying from positive to negative, from happy to sad, from powerless to empowered, from procractination to self-judgment, I will be infinitely trapped unless I stop my participation in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not only me the one I disserve when procrastinating, but also the people with whom I have connections to and that also trust me specific tasks/assignments, because me not using my time effectively does not necessarily mean that they do the same or that they function within and as the same characters and masks as I do when I hold onto thought patterns, excuses, justifications; self-manipulation.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself having to do a task and I go ‘I will do it tomorrow. I don’t care, because no one has power over me’, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am perpetuating the thought pattern of procrastination where I will try and do my best in order to find something I can use as a distractor that provides me positive energy such as entertainment that will end up with me avoiding to work on those points/tasks/assignments that require direction as an opportunity for me to change/break/stop the cycle.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am experiencing a sort of pleasure when procrastinating in order to ground myself here and realize that this is an opportunity for me to physically stand up and do something that is pendent or that requires direction, especially those small things that seem insignificant but when accumulated they look like huge rocks.

When and as I see myself taking an apathetic stance when following the thought ‘I don’t care, because no one has power over me’, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that in participating in that thought pattern is going to bring many consequences, such as remaining stagnant without any physical movement or self-expansion, not being able to see how other people is supporting me and how I disserve not only myself but others as well.

I commit myself write down the thoughts I experience when participating in the ‘good feeling’ of procrastination in order to apply self-forgiveness on them and thus, be able to stop the mind and break the cycles that I have created as my own trap that I have called ‘freedom’.

When and as I see myself perpetuating the cycle of procrastination and self-judgment through holding onto thoughts/beliefs/ideas about myself, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I myself am the creator of such ‘good’ and ‘bad’ experiences that constitute my own trap that I have called ‘freedom’, because I have not given myself direction even when having the opportunity to do so due to thinking that as I am ‘free’ I own time without admitting that sometimes I do not even know the current day/date because I am completely disorganized and drifting.

I commit myself to create a basic schedule with the tasks/assignments I have to do in order to give myself direction, especially in terms of timing in relation to organizing my sleeping hours, eating hours, spare time and other stuff that have to be done in my life so as to stop the procrastination pattern.

viernes, 9 de octubre de 2015

Self-Change & Communication (Day 115)


Last night I went to a friend’s house, because he was going to fix an old laptop I have. I hadn’t seen this friend for a while. There was a period where we used to be closer, but you know, due to different lifestyles/jobs/interests, sometimes people do not see each other as they used to.

Suddenly my friend asked me “what does your mom think about your radical change?”. I said “What radical change?”, kind of surprised with the word “radical”. He said “You know, with Desteni. You used to be different”. From what I understood, he considered that I used to be more “reactive” and now I am more calmed down. He said something like “you used to immediately go like aaahhhh, but now you give a step back, you see the whole thing and then you approach it”.

It was interesting to have a friend’s feedback in relation to my current expression. But then, when I started opening up, meaning, giving more details about my “radical change” I didn’t have the attention/interest I expected/wanted. For instance when I talk to people, I like making eye contact, but my friend wasn’t doing it, so in that moment when I realized that my friend was not looking at me while I was speaking, I judged myself. I thought “Am I opening up myself too much? Probably I sound like a brainwashed preacher and as for me speaking about these things is normal, I am not aware that other people may consider them as weird topics and then they may look at me as a crazy individual”.

A couple of days ago, I met another person and something similar happened. We were in my car and while I was talking, I noticed the same. I was just speaking as I usually do with myself, but the other person was looking through the window and this person only turned to me to ask me a question. So, I do not know if the people around me understand what I say when I communicate with them. I have thought that they might be talking to themselves while listening to me. Kind of having backchats and/or realizations. But what I have done is to immediatelly judge myself, like “I am the one who is out of context here”. So, what I did in that moment while I saw this person looking through the window was to ask “Are you interested in what I am saying?”. This person said “hmm, ah? ... Yes, I like those topics and things related to psychology”. In that moment I thought “I probably need to hang out more with systems in order to learn how to not sound too weird and become more familiar with normal topics” lol - Again, judging myself.

What I realize is that we as humanity are not aligned. I mean, it’s like we are aligned but within a sort of chaos. It’s perceived as “normal” if we gossip, if we feel sad because we broke up with a girlfriend, if judge other people, etc. But if we open up and share how we are managing our own minds, it seems to be not relevant, because it does not produce the same energy that gossiping does for instance.

It’s because it is realated to cleaning up the mess. It’s related to become self-responsible, but no one wants to do that.  Everyone wants to remain in chaos feeding from energy. And if there’s someone who stands up to clean up the mess, we exclude them, we ignore them, because we blame that person as the one who is pressing the “stop” button to our party. That person is the one that reminds you where you are and that much homework still remains. So, what do people do? They hate/reject/ignore them, which is  a very easy thing to do.

Instead, I prefer facing that rejection that I myself create towards something/someone  that is not aligned to my so awesome party/chaos, because in doing so, one will be enjoying and learning about the cleaning up while being aware that one could have been resisting it, but this time one decided to change instead, so one will have both sides lived/understood; the chaos side and the cleaning up side.  And then, one will be able to apply it within one’s own chaos in self-honesty without having to hate/reject/ignore, because one will understand that you were not in fact hating/rejecting/ignoring an-other person, but yourself, because there’s no “other”; it’s always you = we are all one and equal.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as an “out of context” individual for the way I have seen people reacting to me based on their body language when I have opened myself up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat “Am I opening up myself too much? Probably I sound like a brainwashed preacher and as for me speaking about these things is normal, I am not aware that other people may consider them as weird topics and then they may look at me as a crazy individual” to exist within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat “I probably need to hang out more with systems in order to learn how to not sound too weird and become more familiar with normal topics” when thinking that I am out of context because of the way I am expressing myself in front of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people may see me, because they do not give me the feedback I want/expect through their body language, such as eye contact, which is perceived by me as “I am too dense”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take personally the way other people react to my expression, especially because I enjoy doing it and as I see no feedback/interest I then immediately judge myself through backchats instead of realizing that most people are not familiar with self-honesty and that it can create different types of reactions on them, such as wanting to ignore/avoid the topic and/or becoming silent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure when I have perceived that what I am expressing about myself in self-honesty is not interesting to other people in my environment, without realizing that self-honesty is not a polarity such as “interesting” or “boring” it’s just an expression of who you are out of polarity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am “wrong” and that I won’t be totally accepted/loved by people because of the way I express myself, without seeing, realizing and understanding that as long as I accept and love myself, everything is fine, plus I could also accept and love another one equally as I have learned to do with myself first, starting with opening up in order to understand, placing my self-interest out of the equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and then project the blame on others, without realizing that within my expression I may be more practical in terms of learning how to express myself in a more simple way, without giving too much detail and concepts, because me understanding them does not mean that people will get it immediately, and this change may contribute to a more reciprocal communication, without having to use the excuse/justification “if they do not understand me it’s because they are too programmed to grasp it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in participating in the backchat “if they do not understand me it’s because they are too programmed to grasp it” I am creating my own so awesome party within the aligned chaos based on ego, because I am judging instead of understanding both sides.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself judging my expression because of the feedback I am getting in my environment through people’s body language that are interpreted by me as “I am out of context”, I stop and breathe. I realize that instead of judging myself, I can become aware of how I am expressing myself; checking if I am more in a monologue type of thing or something like that, in order to change that expression and make the other person participate, for instance asking questions or using other voice tonalities.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I judge myself based on how other people/my friends respond to how I share my self-honesty so I can become aware of my expression in order to try a more reciprocal type of communication where I can make sure I am being understood through a more familiar language.

I commit myself to ask my friends/my family if they understand what I am saying when they ask questions about my life in order to make their understanding processes easier, because if they do not provide any feedback after I have finished speaking, it could be due to 1) I am not explaining myself effectively 2) It makes a lot of sense that they become silent because they are having backchats/insights/realizations/judgments, etc, but they do not know how to respond to that or 3) they simply do not want to hear anything related to my process/Desteni.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am “wrong”, because I have judged myself as a “brainwashed preacher” that speaks bullshit to the eyes of other people, I stop and breathe. I realize that there’s nothing “wrong” with me walking a process of self-honesty and self-discovery, it’s just that as it’s something only a few dare to do and it’s not collectivelly covered by the media, I may feel weird because I am not following the mass, but I understand it’s part of the process of stopping the mind system and its components in order to bring about a real change that at first many won’t like, because one’s self-interest will have to be placed out of the equation, and that’s something many humans fear, fear to lose the mind/ego.


I commit myself to stop fearing to lose my ego when thinking that what I am expressing is not “interesting” based on people’s feedback through their expression and instead, I commit myself to developing different ways in which I can express myself more effectively in order to be understood easily, but unconditionally keeping self-honesty as the starting point.