miércoles, 21 de octubre de 2015

Procrastination & Self-Judgment (Day 116)


I am in front of the screen now. I was for a moment with my mind in a blank when realizing that my writings haven’t been moving as I like it. This is of course related to me not moving myself effectively in terms of doing what it has to be done, not only within writing but also within some other dimensions that require direction in my life.

I see there are a few tasks I have to do that I have procrastinated. What I have noticed is that when trying to move myself after procrastinating, suddenly something happens that makes the tasks harder. 'Harder', meaning that something unexpected happens that creates more and more resistance/friction within myself. It’s like ‘Oh I have lots of things to do, I will do them tomorrow’, then 2 weeks pass and I go ‘Ok, now it’s time. Oh no, why does this have to happen when I have just decided to move myself?’.

What I am able to see here is that I am easily giving up and that I tend to make things look bigger than what they are within my mind. I am actually moving within and as polarity.

A couple of months ago I remember I felt powerless due to certain events that took place in my life. I woke up almost every morning experiencing fear. Now I am participating in this ‘I don’t care’ stance, because I am no longer fearful towards the points that used to create fear within myself, but what it’s not acceptable is that I am in this ‘passive mode’ becoming a sort of apathetic being where I do not want anyone to tell me anything. I’m in this ‘hippie state’ where I am relaxed...too relaxed I would say, procrastinating, worried about nothing, like everything’s fine because I can procrastinate as much as I can because apparently no one has power over me.

This is funny, because in thinking that ‘no one has power over me’ means that that thought has got me physically stagnant. In other words, I am following that thought. Therefore, there’s something that does have power over me: my own mind.

The problem is when I believe I am my thoughts, because I am not able to see the subtle difference between thoughts v/s self-honest realizations. Hang on...I see it, but it’s easier to pretend I do not. What do I get from all of this? Well, I realize that I am not in fact procrastinating tasks per se. I am actually procrastinating myself which leads into self-neglect, depression, frustration, anger, etc.

A word has just come to my mind: Self-Judgment. This is a point that I have previously mentioned in my posts. I would say that my biggest systems existing within myself are Self-Judgment and Procrastination in relation to having to move myself effectively.

Now – the underlying point existing beneath Procrastination is feeling good/relaxed which is something ‘positive’ because one tends to look for stuff that we enjoy, such us alchohol, drugs, food, parties, social meetings, shopping, watching tv, spending hours on facebook or youtube, etc. On the other hand, I have Self-Judgment which is linked to Fear and it contains a ‘negative’ charge/connotation.

So, I am able to see the equation: Self-Judgment + Procrastination = Being Stagnant, where I move within and as cycles. Some months ago I was worried/fearful in a sort of paranoia, but now it’s like I don’t care, because ‘I am too busy procrastinating’ lol.

It might sound funny, but I have realized that you can actually become ‘stressed’ due to procrastinating when you avoid taking responsibility where one is only looking for the things that somehow make us feel ‘better’.

This year as an ‘unemployed citizen’ has been like being on a permanent vacation. I dare to say that only having what one apparently loves/likes/enjoys – being on an endless vacation with no responsibilities in my case - can lead you into a routine. I have realized that it’s not the routine in itself that creates the experience of routine. It’s ourselves, it’s the way we move along the tasks we do, it’s our perception/interpretation. It’s related to being stagnant in a thought, exactly as I have done lately for instance, when believing I am the thought that tells me “I don’t care because no one has power over me’.

Hang on, I apparently had nothing to write about when I had my mind in a blank when being in front of the screen. I realize that when I experience that ‘blank’ or ‘lack of inspiration’ is because I actually do have some points to write about, but I keep them suppressed due to Procrastination and Self-Judgment.  Why Self-Judgment within this point? Because I do not want to face myself through a self-honest introspection which means that I am not unconditionally supporting myself as the physical expression of love.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not unconditionally support myself through self-honest introspection because I fear facing myself and I instead hide behind procrastination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am the thought that tells me ‘I don’t care because no one has power over me’, without realizing that in following that thought I am actually giving my power away to the mind, because thoughts are indeed created within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as polarity when being stagnant between procrastination and self-judgment when holding onto the thought ‘I don’t care because no one has power over me’ without realizing that that thought pattern is an attempt of the mind system to compensate the previous fear I experienced as negative energy a couple of months ago when I didn’t want to move myself effectively in my life. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become this apathetic being when I do not want anyone to help me be out of my comfort zone, going ‘yeah, I know. Did you finish?’ without being able to see other people’s support, because I am so positive within my procrastination that everything they mention in relation to my current life status is perceived by me as meddlesome, intrusive, and negative intentions, like raping my privacy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to remain stagnant within polarity without seeing, realizing and understanding that this alter-ego that only focuses on the positive side of the procrastination is just a personality I am using to feel better as perception/ideas/beliefs solely, but in real/physical life creating no movement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I require a personality as the perpetuation of a thought pattern so as to change my current status where I am not moving myself effectively in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be consistent with myself in terms of applying my self-realizations, because I prefer avoiding/ignoring instead of doing it right now or when I have the time to do it, because I place my attention in other stuff that bring me a positive experience, but I end up distracted doing nothing, only saying ‘I will do it tomorrow’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good within procrastination, because I have perceived it as a sort of ‘freedom’ without realizing that that’s a mindfuck, because I am calling ‘freedom’ what it is actually a trap/cycle that keeps me physically stagnant within and as the thought/stance ‘I don’t care’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that to change this pattern will seem to be difficult at first, because there are lots of garbage I have accumulated for many years that I have to sweep, but once I am on it I will realize that ‘it was not that bad’, because I tend to make things look bigger than what they are within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things look bigger than what they really are within my mind as an excuse in order to not move myself effectively in my life, without realizing that in doing that, I am in fact being the creator of my own experience of resistance/procrastination/self-judgment; seeing through the mind as perceptions/ideas/beliefs instead of looking at things as what they actually are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the apathetic persona I am participating in which apparently makes me feel better, contains fear as the underlying source, but I do not see it because it wears a mask and it places the mask onto everything it sees in order to make one see everything through the eyes of that character.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prefer holding onto thoughts/personas/characters instead of working with the physical, without realizing that when I hold onto energy whether positve or negative, I will then end up trapped in between where I will probably be able to identify the positve and the negative components, but I won’t be able to identify myself as ‘who I am’ within the equation, unless I physically stand up, stop the thought pattern, and give myself direction in self-honesty and commonsense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that feeling good within procrastination is just an illusion, because I am currently feeling good, but a couple of months ago I was stressed/worried/fearful/paranoid and now I have switched to the other side of the polarity, which means that if I do not stop swaying from positive to negative, from happy to sad, from powerless to empowered, from procractination to self-judgment, I will be infinitely trapped unless I stop my participation in the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is not only me the one I disserve when procrastinating, but also the people with whom I have connections to and that also trust me specific tasks/assignments, because me not using my time effectively does not necessarily mean that they do the same or that they function within and as the same characters and masks as I do when I hold onto thought patterns, excuses, justifications; self-manipulation.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself having to do a task and I go ‘I will do it tomorrow. I don’t care, because no one has power over me’, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am perpetuating the thought pattern of procrastination where I will try and do my best in order to find something I can use as a distractor that provides me positive energy such as entertainment that will end up with me avoiding to work on those points/tasks/assignments that require direction as an opportunity for me to change/break/stop the cycle.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am experiencing a sort of pleasure when procrastinating in order to ground myself here and realize that this is an opportunity for me to physically stand up and do something that is pendent or that requires direction, especially those small things that seem insignificant but when accumulated they look like huge rocks.

When and as I see myself taking an apathetic stance when following the thought ‘I don’t care, because no one has power over me’, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that in participating in that thought pattern is going to bring many consequences, such as remaining stagnant without any physical movement or self-expansion, not being able to see how other people is supporting me and how I disserve not only myself but others as well.

I commit myself write down the thoughts I experience when participating in the ‘good feeling’ of procrastination in order to apply self-forgiveness on them and thus, be able to stop the mind and break the cycles that I have created as my own trap that I have called ‘freedom’.

When and as I see myself perpetuating the cycle of procrastination and self-judgment through holding onto thoughts/beliefs/ideas about myself, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I myself am the creator of such ‘good’ and ‘bad’ experiences that constitute my own trap that I have called ‘freedom’, because I have not given myself direction even when having the opportunity to do so due to thinking that as I am ‘free’ I own time without admitting that sometimes I do not even know the current day/date because I am completely disorganized and drifting.

I commit myself to create a basic schedule with the tasks/assignments I have to do in order to give myself direction, especially in terms of timing in relation to organizing my sleeping hours, eating hours, spare time and other stuff that have to be done in my life so as to stop the procrastination pattern.

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