Last night I went to a friend’s house, because he was going to fix an old laptop I have. I hadn’t seen this friend for a while. There was a period where we used to be closer, but you know, due to different lifestyles/jobs/interests, sometimes people do not see each other as they used to.
Suddenly my friend asked me “what does your mom think about your radical change?”. I said “What radical change?”, kind of surprised with the word “radical”. He said “You know, with Desteni. You used to be different”. From what I understood, he considered that I used to be more “reactive” and now I am more calmed down. He said something like “you used to immediately go like aaahhhh, but now you give a step back, you see the whole thing and then you approach it”.
It was interesting to have a friend’s feedback in relation to my current expression. But then, when I started opening up, meaning, giving more details about my “radical change” I didn’t have the attention/interest I expected/wanted. For instance when I talk to people, I like making eye contact, but my friend wasn’t doing it, so in that moment when I realized that my friend was not looking at me while I was speaking, I judged myself. I thought “Am I opening up myself too much? Probably I sound like a brainwashed preacher and as for me speaking about these things is normal, I am not aware that other people may consider them as weird topics and then they may look at me as a crazy individual”.
A couple of days ago, I met another person and something similar happened. We were in my car and while I was talking, I noticed the same. I was just speaking as I usually do with myself, but the other person was looking through the window and this person only turned to me to ask me a question. So, I do not know if the people around me understand what I say when I communicate with them. I have thought that they might be talking to themselves while listening to me. Kind of having backchats and/or realizations. But what I have done is to immediatelly judge myself, like “I am the one who is out of context here”. So, what I did in that moment while I saw this person looking through the window was to ask “Are you interested in what I am saying?”. This person said “hmm, ah? ... Yes, I like those topics and things related to psychology”. In that moment I thought “I probably need to hang out more with systems in order to learn how to not sound too weird and become more familiar with normal topics” lol - Again, judging myself.
What I realize is that we as humanity are not aligned. I mean, it’s like we are aligned but within a sort of chaos. It’s perceived as “normal” if we gossip, if we feel sad because we broke up with a girlfriend, if judge other people, etc. But if we open up and share how we are managing our own minds, it seems to be not relevant, because it does not produce the same energy that gossiping does for instance.
It’s because it is realated to cleaning up the mess. It’s related to become self-responsible, but no one wants to do that. Everyone wants to remain in chaos feeding from energy. And if there’s someone who stands up to clean up the mess, we exclude them, we ignore them, because we blame that person as the one who is pressing the “stop” button to our party. That person is the one that reminds you where you are and that much homework still remains. So, what do people do? They hate/reject/ignore them, which is a very easy thing to do.
Instead, I prefer facing that rejection that I myself create towards something/someone that is not aligned to my so awesome party/chaos, because in doing so, one will be enjoying and learning about the cleaning up while being aware that one could have been resisting it, but this time one decided to change instead, so one will have both sides lived/understood; the chaos side and the cleaning up side. And then, one will be able to apply it within one’s own chaos in self-honesty without having to hate/reject/ignore, because one will understand that you were not in fact hating/rejecting/ignoring an-other person, but yourself, because there’s no “other”; it’s always you = we are all one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as an “out of context” individual for the way I have seen people reacting to me based on their body language when I have opened myself up.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat “Am I opening up myself too much? Probably I sound like a brainwashed preacher and as for me speaking about these things is normal, I am not aware that other people may consider them as weird topics and then they may look at me as a crazy individual” to exist within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the backchat “I probably need to hang out more with systems in order to learn how to not sound too weird and become more familiar with normal topics” when thinking that I am out of context because of the way I am expressing myself in front of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how other people may see me, because they do not give me the feedback I want/expect through their body language, such as eye contact, which is perceived by me as “I am too dense”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take personally the way other people react to my expression, especially because I enjoy doing it and as I see no feedback/interest I then immediately judge myself through backchats instead of realizing that most people are not familiar with self-honesty and that it can create different types of reactions on them, such as wanting to ignore/avoid the topic and/or becoming silent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel insecure when I have perceived that what I am expressing about myself in self-honesty is not interesting to other people in my environment, without realizing that self-honesty is not a polarity such as “interesting” or “boring” it’s just an expression of who you are out of polarity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I am “wrong” and that I won’t be totally accepted/loved by people because of the way I express myself, without seeing, realizing and understanding that as long as I accept and love myself, everything is fine, plus I could also accept and love another one equally as I have learned to do with myself first, starting with opening up in order to understand, placing my self-interest out of the equation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself and then project the blame on others, without realizing that within my expression I may be more practical in terms of learning how to express myself in a more simple way, without giving too much detail and concepts, because me understanding them does not mean that people will get it immediately, and this change may contribute to a more reciprocal communication, without having to use the excuse/justification “if they do not understand me it’s because they are too programmed to grasp it”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in participating in the backchat “if they do not understand me it’s because they are too programmed to grasp it” I am creating my own so awesome party within the aligned chaos based on ego, because I am judging instead of understanding both sides.
When and as I see myself judging my expression because of the feedback I am getting in my environment through people’s body language that are interpreted by me as “I am out of context”, I stop and breathe. I realize that instead of judging myself, I can become aware of how I am expressing myself; checking if I am more in a monologue type of thing or something like that, in order to change that expression and make the other person participate, for instance asking questions or using other voice tonalities.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I judge myself based on how other people/my friends respond to how I share my self-honesty so I can become aware of my expression in order to try a more reciprocal type of communication where I can make sure I am being understood through a more familiar language.
I commit myself to ask my friends/my family if they understand what I am saying when they ask questions about my life in order to make their understanding processes easier, because if they do not provide any feedback after I have finished speaking, it could be due to 1) I am not explaining myself effectively 2) It makes a lot of sense that they become silent because they are having backchats/insights/realizations/judgments, etc, but they do not know how to respond to that or 3) they simply do not want to hear anything related to my process/Desteni.
When and as I see myself thinking that I am “wrong”, because I have judged myself as a “brainwashed preacher” that speaks bullshit to the eyes of other people, I stop and breathe. I realize that there’s nothing “wrong” with me walking a process of self-honesty and self-discovery, it’s just that as it’s something only a few dare to do and it’s not collectivelly covered by the media, I may feel weird because I am not following the mass, but I understand it’s part of the process of stopping the mind system and its components in order to bring about a real change that at first many won’t like, because one’s self-interest will have to be placed out of the equation, and that’s something many humans fear, fear to lose the mind/ego.
I commit myself to stop fearing to lose my ego when thinking that what I am expressing is not “interesting” based on people’s feedback through their expression and instead, I commit myself to developing different ways in which I can express myself more effectively in order to be understood easily, but unconditionally keeping self-honesty as the starting point.