lunes, 30 de noviembre de 2015

Part II: Fear Of Being Alone (Day 121)


This is the continuation of my Previous Post. Here I will walk some self-forgiveness statements in relation to a fear that was activated within myself due to a couple of memories stored in my subconsciouss mind layer.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when realizing that my closest friends had left the place wherein we were, because I felt powerless, empty, uncomfortable – in the same way I did when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when there’s no one I know next to me I am lost and that I can’t express myself in the same way I would if my friends were with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically react when noticing that my friends had left the place, because I was looking everywhere and becoming anxious while at the same time thinking ‘What should I do now? Should I go with them or should stay here?’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have activated a memory of when I was a child and my mom and my uncle left the place without saying a word and I started crying, I ran away, and reacted with desire for revenge - but this time in my present moment. Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live every moment as a new moment/opportunity, because I approached my reality from past burdens.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I require to be accompanied by someone else to be able to express myself as who I am here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing myself in front of people I don’t know, because instead of directing myself in the moment I judge all the participants by thinking ‘we are different, they don’t seem to be like me. I don’t want to be here’, without realizing those backchats/thoughts are only a mechanism the mind has to limit self-expression, therefore, if I accept and allow myself to supress myself in such moments, I am just obidiently following my pre-programming instead of transcending that point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached a negative connotation to being ‘alone’, because I have separated myself as the words ‘confidence’ and ‘comfortable’, living them through my closest friends without pushing myself towards developing/re-defining and living those words as who I am; one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when there are no friends around, no one will support what I express and thus, I will feel powerless, having no one to support me, without realizing that here I am as who I am, as all, as one, as equal, and thus, I can take self-responsibility and direct myself in self-honesty as self-trust and just express myself unconditionally no matter where I am or with whom I am, instead of suppressing by accepting and allowing myself to be absorbed/blinded by my mind consciousness system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no matter how many people are around me, because I am always here with me, I have myself, I am always all-one (alone), it’s just that as I am not aware of my breathing in every moment that I separate myself from the physical when accepting and allowing myself to be absorbed by my consciousness mind system into memories that activate fears that limit/suppress self-expression here.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself reacting with fear because I realize that my friends are not around me and I feel alone, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the fear was activated because of the memories that are stored in my subconscious mind layer when facing a similar situation.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when being ‘alone’ in a new context in order to ground myself here in the physical and then, just express myself unconditionally just by asking a question or doing something physical to push myself to transcend the fear.  

When and as I see myself thinking that I require my friends to be able to feel ‘confident’ and ‘comfortable’ to express myself, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I have separated myself as those words by living them through my friends instead of pushing myself to re-define and live those words as who I am here, in every moment of breath.


I commit myself to push myself to interact with new people in new contexts in order to test my ‘confidence’ and to continue investigating/expanding myself in terms of self-expression. 

viernes, 27 de noviembre de 2015

Fear of Being Alone (Day 120)


Last night I went to a birthday party with a friend. I met the birthday guy like in 2004 but we have never been really close. There were like 15 people in the living room. The people I knew were only three (including the birthday guy).

As it was a small place for such crowd, everytime people wanted to smoke, they had to do it outside of the apartment. Suddenly two of my friends went outside to smoke, so the only ‘familiar’ person there was the birthday guy who – as I mentioned before – is not a close friend.

Suddenly, I saw myself thinking ‘Oh no, I am alone. Should I go outside with my friends?’ and then, I immediatelly checked within myself where the fear was coming from and I found a very interesting memory of when I was like 4 years old.

I remember that that time I was with my uncle with whom I had/have a really cool relationship and he asked me to go with him to a friend’s house and then we would go to another place to play videogames. We were in a room inside my uncle’s friend’s house and I remember that I got distracted for a moment until I realized that my uncle and his friend had left the room. I remember how awful the fear building up within myself felt. Although the people there (the friend’s parents) were our neighbors, I didn’t feel comfortable, so I cried and I ran away lol. I remember the parents saying something like ‘But, what the hell is going on with that kid!’ and the next thing I remember was me playing video games with my uncle lol.

Now I can see another memory related to something very similar. Due to certain circumstances, when I was a kid I spent a lot of time with my mom before my sisters were born. My dad worked on sailing ships, so he was usually not home for long periods of times. My mom was the only person with whom I was and according to what she has told me, since I was even 2 – 3 years old I didn’t like to be alone. And not only that, I didn’t like visitors either. My mom says that I used to kick them out of my house and that I told my cousins ‘why are you here? You came here to eat my food. Go back to your own house’ lol. 

Anyways –  I remember that I was in a room playing with my toys and as my mom saw me very focused on that, she went to buy some bread for dinner to a very near grocery store. The point is that I realized that she had left because I heard the door when she closed it. I was like ‘Mom? Mom?’ and then I started crying and screaming because I felt alone and to me it was the worst thing in the world. Then, I became angry and I thought of making my mom feel the same way I had felt. So – I hid inside a wooden basket and when my mom came back, she started saying ‘Pablo, I am back! ...Pablo? are you there? Pabloooo!!’. She became histerical, so I said ‘I am here!’ and she started looking for me, but she could only hear me lol. Until I got out of the wooden basket and asked her why she had left me without saying a word.

It’s interesting to realize how many reactions we have nowadays are part of our past experiences that now have become memories. In my case, the fear of being alone as well as the desire for revenge in an attempt to make people feel the way I have felt through placing them on my shoes.

So – getting back to the birthday party. I was alone. Reacting within myself in the same way I did when I was a child. I wanted to go out to be with my friends because as I didn’t know anyone there, only this birthday acquaintance, and kind of not knowing what to do. Of course all of this happened in less than 1 minute within my mind consciousness system. So – as I was able to identify the memory that had activated in my present moment, I grounded myself and directed myself through just talking to the birthday guy and thus, the ‘horror movie’ ended immediately.



On my next post I will walk the self-forgiveness... 

lunes, 23 de noviembre de 2015

Sounding Self-Forgiveness (Day 119)


Yesterday I went to take a shower and I started sounding self-forgiveness. I usually sound self-forgiveness in English because this is the language I have used this whole time to walk process, but yersterday while taking the shower I sounded self-forgiveness in Spanish – which is my mother tongue – and I noticed that I wasn’t being fluent. I was like ‘I forgive myself – (coughing) – that...I have accepted and .... – (silence)’ and then I realized I was kind of whispering. It’s like when sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue I don’t feel comfortable with my own voice, and I fear that other people could listen to me. So, using a second language has kind of ‘helped’ me be ‘hidden’, which is unacceptable, because it’s not possible that the tools I have to deconstruct myself are dependent on codes/language/symbols to be able to exist.

This proves to me that I am not being unconditional with myself in terms of assisting and supporting myself within this journey of self-honesty and self-trust.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used English as a second language to feel ‘hidden’ and ‘protected’ from other people/my reality when sounding self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when listening to my own voice sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what other people may think of me if they listen to me sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use English as a sort of alter-ego where as I feel ‘hidden’, I am more comfortable to say certain stuff that I wouldn’t if I had to say them in Spanish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not become one and equal in terms of my relationship with different languages and thus, become lost within languages, sort of not knowing who I am within languages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached different personalities to the two languages I speak; Spanish being ‘me’ and English; my ‘alter ego’ when talking to myself and some other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself as who I am into two different languages without standing up as me without depending on a language to express/deconstruct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resisted to take into practical application the realization that I have to start working on sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue in order to deconstruct myself and to be able to expand myself.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue where I am not being fluent and not wanting to be heard by others and thus, I cough and go into a mind blank, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not standing up as one through living self-trust and self-honesty, because I am being dependent on the language I speak to express myself.

I commit myself to sound self-forgiveness in Spanish in real time when there’s a point I want to release in order to be able to become one and equal without depending on a language to be/express myself.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when feeling the resistance building up when sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue in real time so as to ground myself here and stop participation in thoughts and emotions to be able to continue doing it, slowly but surely, being patience with myself but at the same time pushing through it.

I commit myself to start reading my self-forgiveness statements in my mother tongue after I have written in this blog, in order to become familiar with my own voice when deconstructing myself and thus, be able to become one and equal without depending on a language to be able to be/express myself.

sábado, 14 de noviembre de 2015

The Slowest Learner (118)


Some weeks ago I was introduced to a new sort of game. I don’t know if the game has a specific name but what I have noticed is that it is passed from one person to another. The game consists of showing a number with your hands, for instance I show you two fingers but I say ‘If this is 5.. (while showing two fingers) how much is this? (while showing 6 fingers for instance). So at first I approached the game from math, I tried addition and substraction. As the name of the numbers were changed, I then tried to find the pattern in order to get the answer. I even tried guessing with Roman numerals.

Then, some of my friends that were also there started finding the pattern and I was like ‘Damn, I can’t get it!’. I even judged myself as a slow learner. But not only as a slow learner, I mean slower than everyone else. So, THE slowest.

I couldn’t get the answer that day, but I was curious about it. So, I insisted. Everytime I saw the guy that introduced the game I asked him to do it again. Until one day he said ‘I don’t know what happens with you, because you are the slowest one. Everyone else got it, but something weird happened with you. Do you want me to give you the answer?’ and I was like ‘No, I don’t want the answer, just continue doing it’.

Well, I got the answer...finally! After getting the answer I realized that it was not a math game. It used numbers, but it was out of mathematic rules and that’s what it made it so hard that no one can get it the first time, even mathematicians.

The cool realization was that sometimes we approach reality from knowledge and information, based on what we have learned, based on experience, based on the past. But, the only thing that was needed to get the answer was to Listen and Observe. It sounds simple, right? But how often do we REALLY listen and observe? I mean, taking out any ‘logic’, any memory or past experience to see reality for what it is.

I observed and listened to many types of reactions to the game after I learned it and then shared it with other people. Some of them applied the same guessing technique that I used. Some others gave up. Some others said ‘I don’t have time to waste on stupid games’ – This last one was interesting, because it is a very common response we get when we do not understand something. It functions as it follows; I don’t get it, I reject it. But, if you see beyond ‘the game’, the way you approach it tells a lot about people, because it is basically a challenge and something new to address.

Another point that was interesting was that me, ‘the slowest one’ created a new version of the game. I basically upgraded it. It’s not that I want to make a comparison here, but even the ‘fast guys’ that got the answer faster than me - once they knew the answer to the game, then just forgot about it. But I didn’t because I knew that the ‘stupid game’ was more than just a game, because in order to get the answer, you have to deprogram yourself! In other words, you have to unlearn what you have previously learned.

Now – if I have a look at the polarity of fast/slow, it created self-judgment within myself and I saw that the fast guys once they knew the answer were like ‘Come on, it’s very easy! I don’t understand how it is possible that you don’t get it’ – kind of creating a sort of positive feeling on them...superiority.

So – the last point to mention here is that there is something called the learning biorhythm. Each of us learn at different speeds/rhythms and speed does not define - in any way - your so-called ‘intelligence’ or who you really are and what you are capable of doing.

I failed many times, I even ended up in a blank within my mind when trying to find the answers and I judged myself as stupid, because of my learning biorhythm, but you know what, failing is necessary. People tend to see mistakes as something ‘wrong’ and we are domesticated to feel ‘bad’ when we fail, but what I am able to say now is: if you learn from your mistakes because you have been trying and trying instead of giving up, then you will be able to identify where in the process another person is and you can support/encourage them to get to the answers as you have supported yourself within the same process = learning how to learn.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as stupid because I take longer to get a specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the judgment and the label ‘stupid’ is the result of a comparison, because I compared myself with others in terms of speed/timing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that every individual has a different learning biorhythm and that ‘more intelligent’ does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that learning faster makes people more intelligent than others, without realizing that fast/slow is a polarity equation that exists within and as the mind consciousness system, therefore, it’s an illusion that in any way supports self-expansion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my self-judgment into other people when thinking that other people think that I am stupid/too slow when it takes me more time than others to understand a specific point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people that are not aware of learning biorhythms are the real stupid ones for believing in a paradigm based on speed to meassure people’s intelligence, without realizing that behind that thought there is me as my mind wanting to compensate the inferiority I previously experienced when not being able to understand the ‘logic’ behind a game.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that people pretend to be nice and patience when they share something new with me that I am taking longer while within themselves there exists judgment towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in order to really observe and listen to reality for what it is here, I have to deprogram myself, leaving knowledge and information aside and apply commonsense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to the memory of me being a child and solving a problem in front of the educational psychologist and not understanding the logic behind his game and then telling my mom ‘I understood the game, but I didn’t tell him the right answer, because thought it was too stupid to say it’ and then I judged myself as stupid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger and frustration towards the methods and techniques ‘professionals’ use to meassure people’s IQ when I was a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel powerless when I was a child because I thought that I was misunderstood to the eyes of adults and their norms/rules/mindsets.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the same reaction of frustration and anger that I had when I was a child and I had to solve a problem/game in front of the educational psychologist but this time in my current/present moment when facing a similar situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that most of the reactions we have today are the consequence of previous experiences that are stored within the subconscious mind layer as memories.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach to the memory of me going to visit the educational psychologists because my teacher sent me there, but when the girls assessed me, they said my learning skills were ‘normal’, because I was faster than the other students that required special assistance within their learning processes – and this turning into the current thought of ‘I am the fastest of the stupid ones’.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself judging myself as a slow/stupid learner, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that there exist different learning biorhythms and that instead of comparing myself as a polarity manifestation, I can learn from others and focus on my own learning process in order to expand myself without reacting with anger or frustration as I did when I was a child.

I commit myself to only use comparison as a method/tool to expand myself and learn from others without placing myself in the inferior/superior side of the polarity equation.

When and as I see myself defining myself as stupid because I think that I am taking longer to understand a specific point, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that time is an illusion and my learning process has its rhythm and as long as I persist and direct myself towards my utmost potential, there’s no rush.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am not getting a specific point in order to ground myself here in the physical and observe and listen to reality for what it is, without acting upon memories and self-judgment that in any way supports self-expansion.

When and as I see myself labeling people/myself as intelligent/not intelligent based on speed, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that speed is only one dimension of a whole bunch of dimensions around the learning process and that a person that is fast is not necessarily persistent, self-disciplined and/or curious about learning.


I commit myself to stop judging myself/people based on how fast/slow they learn and instead, I commit myself to focus on how I can practically enhance my skills so as to expand myself into my utmost potential as practical application.