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Mostrando entradas de noviembre, 2015

Part II: Fear Of Being Alone (Day 121)

This is the continuation of my Previous Post. Here I will walk some self-forgiveness statements in relation to a fear that was activated within myself due to a couple of memories stored in my subconsciouss mind layer.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when realizing that my closest friends had left the place wherein we were, because I felt powerless, empty, uncomfortable – in the same way I did when I was a child.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when there’s no one I know next to me I am lost and that I can’t express myself in the same way I would if my friends were with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically react when noticing that my friends had left the place, because I was looking everywhere and becoming anxious while at the same time thinking ‘What should I do now? Should I go with them or should stay here?’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and a…

Fear of Being Alone (Day 120)

Last night I went to a birthday party with a friend. I met the birthday guy like in 2004 but we have never been really close. There were like 15 people in the living room. The people I knew were only three (including the birthday guy).
As it was a small place for such crowd, everytime people wanted to smoke, they had to do it outside of the apartment. Suddenly two of my friends went outside to smoke, so the only ‘familiar’ person there was the birthday guy who – as I mentioned before – is not a close friend.
Suddenly, I saw myself thinking ‘Oh no, I am alone. Should I go outside with my friends?’ and then, I immediatelly checked within myself where the fear was coming from and I found a very interesting memory of when I was like 4 years old.
I remember that that time I was with my uncle with whom I had/have a really cool relationship and he asked me to go with him to a friend’s house and then we would go to another place to play videogames. We were in a room inside my uncle’s friend’s…

Sounding Self-Forgiveness (Day 119)

Yesterday I went to take a shower and I started sounding self-forgiveness. I usually sound self-forgiveness in English because this is the language I have used this whole time to walk process, but yersterday while taking the shower I sounded self-forgiveness in Spanish – which is my mother tongue – and I noticed that I wasn’t being fluent. I was like ‘I forgive myself – (coughing) – that...I have accepted and .... – (silence)’ and then I realized I was kind of whispering. It’s like when sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue I don’t feel comfortable with my own voice, and I fear that other people could listen to me. So, using a second language has kind of ‘helped’ me be ‘hidden’, which is unacceptable, because it’s not possible that the tools I have to deconstruct myself are dependent on codes/language/symbols to be able to exist.
This proves to me that I am not being unconditional with myself in terms of assisting and supporting myself within this journey of self-honesty and se…

The Slowest Learner (118)

Some weeks ago I was introduced to a new sort of game. I don’t know if the game has a specific name but what I have noticed is that it is passed from one person to another. The game consists of showing a number with your hands, for instance I show you two fingers but I say ‘If this is 5.. (while showing two fingers) how much is this? (while showing 6 fingers for instance). So at first I approached the game from math, I tried addition and substraction. As the name of the numbers were changed, I then tried to find the pattern in order to get the answer. I even tried guessing with Roman numerals.
Then, some of my friends that were also there started finding the pattern and I was like ‘Damn, I can’t get it!’. I even judged myself as a slow learner. But not only as a slow learner, I mean slower than everyone else. So, THE slowest.
I couldn’t get the answer that day, but I was curious about it. So, I insisted. Everytime I saw the guy that introduced the game I asked him to do it again. Until…