viernes, 27 de noviembre de 2015

Fear of Being Alone (Day 120)


Last night I went to a birthday party with a friend. I met the birthday guy like in 2004 but we have never been really close. There were like 15 people in the living room. The people I knew were only three (including the birthday guy).

As it was a small place for such crowd, everytime people wanted to smoke, they had to do it outside of the apartment. Suddenly two of my friends went outside to smoke, so the only ‘familiar’ person there was the birthday guy who – as I mentioned before – is not a close friend.

Suddenly, I saw myself thinking ‘Oh no, I am alone. Should I go outside with my friends?’ and then, I immediatelly checked within myself where the fear was coming from and I found a very interesting memory of when I was like 4 years old.

I remember that that time I was with my uncle with whom I had/have a really cool relationship and he asked me to go with him to a friend’s house and then we would go to another place to play videogames. We were in a room inside my uncle’s friend’s house and I remember that I got distracted for a moment until I realized that my uncle and his friend had left the room. I remember how awful the fear building up within myself felt. Although the people there (the friend’s parents) were our neighbors, I didn’t feel comfortable, so I cried and I ran away lol. I remember the parents saying something like ‘But, what the hell is going on with that kid!’ and the next thing I remember was me playing video games with my uncle lol.

Now I can see another memory related to something very similar. Due to certain circumstances, when I was a kid I spent a lot of time with my mom before my sisters were born. My dad worked on sailing ships, so he was usually not home for long periods of times. My mom was the only person with whom I was and according to what she has told me, since I was even 2 – 3 years old I didn’t like to be alone. And not only that, I didn’t like visitors either. My mom says that I used to kick them out of my house and that I told my cousins ‘why are you here? You came here to eat my food. Go back to your own house’ lol. 

Anyways –  I remember that I was in a room playing with my toys and as my mom saw me very focused on that, she went to buy some bread for dinner to a very near grocery store. The point is that I realized that she had left because I heard the door when she closed it. I was like ‘Mom? Mom?’ and then I started crying and screaming because I felt alone and to me it was the worst thing in the world. Then, I became angry and I thought of making my mom feel the same way I had felt. So – I hid inside a wooden basket and when my mom came back, she started saying ‘Pablo, I am back! ...Pablo? are you there? Pabloooo!!’. She became histerical, so I said ‘I am here!’ and she started looking for me, but she could only hear me lol. Until I got out of the wooden basket and asked her why she had left me without saying a word.

It’s interesting to realize how many reactions we have nowadays are part of our past experiences that now have become memories. In my case, the fear of being alone as well as the desire for revenge in an attempt to make people feel the way I have felt through placing them on my shoes.

So – getting back to the birthday party. I was alone. Reacting within myself in the same way I did when I was a child. I wanted to go out to be with my friends because as I didn’t know anyone there, only this birthday acquaintance, and kind of not knowing what to do. Of course all of this happened in less than 1 minute within my mind consciousness system. So – as I was able to identify the memory that had activated in my present moment, I grounded myself and directed myself through just talking to the birthday guy and thus, the ‘horror movie’ ended immediately.



On my next post I will walk the self-forgiveness... 

2 comentarios:

  1. Cool self correction moment Pablo!

    lol, and funny hiding in the basket from your mom :D

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