lunes, 23 de noviembre de 2015

Sounding Self-Forgiveness (Day 119)


Yesterday I went to take a shower and I started sounding self-forgiveness. I usually sound self-forgiveness in English because this is the language I have used this whole time to walk process, but yersterday while taking the shower I sounded self-forgiveness in Spanish – which is my mother tongue – and I noticed that I wasn’t being fluent. I was like ‘I forgive myself – (coughing) – that...I have accepted and .... – (silence)’ and then I realized I was kind of whispering. It’s like when sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue I don’t feel comfortable with my own voice, and I fear that other people could listen to me. So, using a second language has kind of ‘helped’ me be ‘hidden’, which is unacceptable, because it’s not possible that the tools I have to deconstruct myself are dependent on codes/language/symbols to be able to exist.

This proves to me that I am not being unconditional with myself in terms of assisting and supporting myself within this journey of self-honesty and self-trust.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used English as a second language to feel ‘hidden’ and ‘protected’ from other people/my reality when sounding self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncomfortable when listening to my own voice sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what other people may think of me if they listen to me sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use English as a sort of alter-ego where as I feel ‘hidden’, I am more comfortable to say certain stuff that I wouldn’t if I had to say them in Spanish.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not become one and equal in terms of my relationship with different languages and thus, become lost within languages, sort of not knowing who I am within languages.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached different personalities to the two languages I speak; Spanish being ‘me’ and English; my ‘alter ego’ when talking to myself and some other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have separated myself as who I am into two different languages without standing up as me without depending on a language to express/deconstruct myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have resisted to take into practical application the realization that I have to start working on sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue in order to deconstruct myself and to be able to expand myself.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue where I am not being fluent and not wanting to be heard by others and thus, I cough and go into a mind blank, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am not standing up as one through living self-trust and self-honesty, because I am being dependent on the language I speak to express myself.

I commit myself to sound self-forgiveness in Spanish in real time when there’s a point I want to release in order to be able to become one and equal without depending on a language to be/express myself.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when feeling the resistance building up when sounding self-forgiveness in my mother tongue in real time so as to ground myself here and stop participation in thoughts and emotions to be able to continue doing it, slowly but surely, being patience with myself but at the same time pushing through it.

I commit myself to start reading my self-forgiveness statements in my mother tongue after I have written in this blog, in order to become familiar with my own voice when deconstructing myself and thus, be able to become one and equal without depending on a language to be able to be/express myself.

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