The other day I went to a friend’s house to pick up some stuff and he was with some other friends as well. My staying there was supossed to be really short, but as they started playing music and then invited me a drink I stayed there a bit longer.
One of them had bought a new acoustic guitar so they wanted me to try it. So I started playing it and it sounded cool. Then I started playing a new song I made and suddenly one of the guys there said ‘you know, you could be cuter’. I took it as a joke so I said ‘yeah, but I would have to attach myself more to a stereotype’. This guy said ‘oh, you are too defensive. I was saying that in a nice way’.
Then the guitar owner said ‘you hit the guitar really hard’. I said ‘oh, sorry I often do it unconsciously. It’s because I am used to give it hard power chords and this song needs to go like this because of the intention I want to give it’. He said ‘oh no, I am saying this because it is late and we don’t want my mom to come and tell us to stop’. I said ‘I thought you were referring to my technique lol’.
Then another guy said ‘I remember that a while ago we asked Pablo to take us in his car to buy some drugs and he just said no’. They started recalling that moment. It was three guys ‘against’ me now and this made me doubt my expression within communication in the past and so far.
Some weeks ago something similar had happened that I wrote in my post Personalities Dressed Like Self-Honesty, so I made a connection between both situations and I noticed how energy started building up within myself. Like ‘I am wrong. I am not doing it right. Am I expressing myself well?’.
Some days later I was talking with another friend. We were talking about relationships. I said ‘I am not the type of person that has problems with people. Actually when I was in highschool and college I got along well with everyone. Of course there are people with whom you hang out more but that does not mean that it’s because of a personal problem’. Then my friend said ‘really? But sometimes we can’t know that, because we could have said something that made people feel bad and we didn’t realize it’.
So, this got me thinking ‘Probably what my friend said to me the other day was true. I think I am doing it right but I am not. People won’t tell me in my face, but they will have opinions behind my back about how they perceive me through my expression’.
Okay, so what I am able to see here is that it is very easy to accumulate thoughts that create a whole ball of energy within ourselves so to speak. And this energy is being allowed to exists because of self-judgments, because instead of addressing this point I have gone into blame.
So, what I want to do here is to go step by step. I am going to bring the memories back here of when I was asked to take the guys in my car to buy drugs. I arrive and I see/hear the guys talking about drugs. It is late at night so there are no public transportation to get where they want to go. I am the only one that can apparently solve the ‘problem’. They ask me, they even offer me money for gas, but I say ‘no’. Why? Not because of a moral stance, but because I considered myself first. I have always in the past had a tendency to say ‘yes’, but this year I started working with saying ‘no’ as well. So, when they asked me I said ‘If I get up and get in my car will be to go home to sleep. I really don’t want to drive my car now. I am sorry guys’. They continued insisting but my answer was already ‘no’.
I talked to a friend about this point and he said that sometimes people expect us to say stuff in a certain way. Not necessarily politely but using some specific words and tonality that ‘protect’ us from sounding too ‘rough’.
So, here I can start working with other words and tonalities through first breathing and assessing what I am going to say and still have my ‘no’ there, because I can unconsciously switch my expression when I want/have to say ‘no’ and other beings may pay more attention to ‘the way’ I say it instead of ‘what’ I am saying.
With the ‘you could be cuter’ thing. I don’t really know why that guy said it, but I could have asked him ‘why’ before jumping in with a semi joke that was more of a fast reaction to kind of ‘get out’ of that moment, because within myself I was like ‘whaat?’. So probably this inner reaction was unconsciously manifested through my body language and facial expression and that’s why the guy said I was being defensive.
With the ‘playing the guitar hard’ thing. I usually play the guitar with another friend that plays the piano, so he has told me that sometimes I have to reduce my volume a bit in order to sound good, because if I am hitting the guitar hard, then he has to play harder and so on. That’s why I told my friend that I thought he was referring to my technique, because a few days before the way I play the guitar was addressed from a more technical approach.
With the ‘really? But sometimes we can’t know that, because we could have said something that made people feel bad and we didn’t realize it’ thing – I realize that I took it personal, as though my friend was trying to tell me in a subliminal way that what I was saying wasn’t so, because he ‘knew’ that some people thought I was not really nice.
Now – It’s not that I want to be ‘nicer’, because there will always be things one will say that people will take personally as well as I and everyone else have done. So, it is about me as the creator creating a creation free from energy which I won’t regret through experiencing blame later.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience blame after I have been told that I was not nice in the past because I said ‘no’, without realizing that the way I expressed my answer was the reason why I was doubtfull about my expression within communication and not the answer in itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel attacked when having people talking to me about my behavior in the past, instead of breathing, bringing myself back here and direct every single point in the moment without accumulating what I am hearing as thoughts and backchats that become my doubts and this idea of ‘I am wrong. I am not doing it right’ which is a polarity that keeps me trapped under my own acceptance and allowance through not directing myself effectively.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a comment from my past experience when perceiving that what I am being told is what I have thought, without making sure the other person and I are talking about the same exact thing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that people sometimes want to tell me something using a subliminal way in order to not compromise themselves and others, without realizing that I can just ask and clarify my mind instead of holding onto the idea that I have created.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate thoughts and backchats regarding a specific point and then create a whole idea/belief through using self-judgment and feeling bad about myself, instead of forgiving the thoughts and emotions in the exact moment I am creating the idea/belief about myself through interpretation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself as a sort of asperger guy who does not know how to express myself effectively, instead of realizing and understanding that I have the tools to deconstruct myself and re-define who I want to be and how I want to express myself in order to avoid unnecessary friction and contribute with the betterment of my self-expression in terms of communication out of unconscious energetic reactions that manifest through my physical expression and voice tonality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to change this point within myself because of the thought ’what if I am doing it right and they are the abusers that just don’t accept a No, no matter how nicely I tell them, because they have no idea about what is best for all, they just function within the principle of what’s best for ego’, without realizing that what I am doing here is just attaching myself to a thought/backchat without even first trying to physically and practically change myself through becoming aware of my expression in real time when having to face situations like this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pay more attention to self-judgments and blame instead of deconstructing myself within those dimensions and start working with what I have here in my reality in order to see my potential and how I can get the best out of it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself as a negative person when relating myself to X when defining him as a negative person that influenced in my life for always giving me bad feedbacks about myself and thus, now that becomes the belief/idea that I have duplicated his systems, in a sort of blaming instead of placing the being here within myself and forgive everything.
When and as I see myself having people talking to me about my behavior in the past and then I start experiencing blame through self-judgment, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am suppressing those points that’s why they accumulate and create a whole ball of energy within myself.
I commit myself to ask people for suggestions in the moment when they are approaching me, in terms of how they see it would have been better to direct those points in order to see beyond my own view and share perspectives to make sure whether they were just kidding or they really wanted to create a better understanding through equal communication.
I commit myself to investigate beyond my own interpretation through inviting people to share more about what they are saying to me so as to assess myself in relation to what’s going on or whether I have to just leave because I am just dealing with people on drugs that don’t dare to mention those topics sober and one by one.
When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am an asperger guy who duplicates X’s behavior, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that those thoughts and beliefs are only judgments and judgments do not support self-change and self-trust in any way.
I commit myself to forgive myself within the aspects I judge myself, in terms of communication and self-expression in order to see the potential that exists within myself beyond the mind trap of self-judgment.
I commit myself to become more aware of my expression when I am talking with other beings in my reality so as to assess what I am going to say to create a creation out of energy, but in commonsense.