Ir al contenido principal

Personalities Dressed Like Self-Honesty (Day 123)


Okay, here I am going to open up a point that I have been resisting to explore through writing since last Friday. The story goes as it follows.

I had to play with my band and besides that I was in charge of the transportation, meaning, I carry all the equipment in my car. The gig finished and I asked my band mates to collaborate with taking our equipment outside while I was going to pick up my car that was parked two blocks away.

The gig was held in a bar downtown and the street where I had to stop the car to pick up all the equipment is a very busy street, so we had to move as fast as we could in order to not create a traffic jam.

I realized that our sound guy was – besides being drunk – talking too much before getting in the car. Plus, as he invited his girlfriend, a member of our band had to go home by foot, so this guy was ‘Oh, but you don’t live too far’. So, in one moment I judged him as a manipulative being who was acting out a personality.

Like an hour ago before leaving the bar the sound guy had asked me if I could drive him to a specific place to buy some stuff before going home and I agreed, but I forgot how many of us were going to require using my car. So, when I realized that our bass player had to go back home by foot and then listening to what the sound guy was saying to our bass player, plus feeling the pressure of ‘I don’t want to create a traffic jam. Hurry up!’ – I reacted in a way that I didn’t realize.

A band mate said ‘Hey, calm yourself down’. I didn’t ‘feel’ any energetic reaction within myself in that moment, and I don’t even remember exactly what I said to him after that. Probably, ‘I am fine’.

Then, the sound guy said ‘Guys, I would like to ask if you were able to listen well to what you were playing; the vocals, guitars..’ - and I suddenly said ‘Hey wait. Do you really think that we are going to be able to have a serious conversation right now while being wasted?’. Everyone stood quiet. No one said anything.

Ten minutes later, the same band mate that told me to calm myself down, said, ‘Pablo, I would like to ask you a question’, so I said ‘Go ahead’. He said ‘What you have just told our sound guy...would have you reacted in the same way if it was another person?’. At first all seemed a bit confusing, because I didn’t want to see that he was showing me that I had reacted, but as I apparently didn’t say what I said in any energetic reaction, I started questioning the way this guy was directing the point. He said that I sounded like Hitler with what I had said, because everyone stood quiet, so I said ‘You decided to stay quiet. I just brought up the point of: Do we really want to have a serious conversation if we are drunk?’. Then he said ‘But, you could have given him an opportunity, plus I wanted to listen to him’.

A few minutes later, the sound guy’s girlfriend said ‘Guys, stop arguing. I understand Pablo, because sometimes I don’t want to speak and people think I am angry, but that’s not the point’. Then, my band mate said ‘I know Pablo for many years, I know his patterns, so I am able to identify when he is reacting’. I said ‘You always say the same. You know, if you are able to identify my reactions and patterns it’s because those reactions are also existing within yourself, plus this is a personal process. Plus, I think that you over reacted to what I said to our sound guy’ - and he said ‘No, I didn’t’. 

Then I said ‘I am being self-honest when I say that I am not going to participate in a conversation wherein there are drunk people, plus I am also a bit drunk’, and he said, ‘You are not being self-honest. You always say that there are layers and layers within a specific point, so have a look at the previous events that created your reaction’.

The point is that I realized that I had reacted in a sort of unconscious way. How do I know that? because today I had a similar reaction. It is a reaction that happens in one moment where I become possessed by energy, the energy is a mixture of rage and excitement, like being in a rush. So, I hadn’t identified this reaction as a ‘reaction’, because the rage and excitement created a sort of adrenaline within myself that I haven’t called it either positive or negative. Interesting.

Now that this point opened up, I am able to see that this is also a pattern existing in some people in my family, especially when they are ‘protecting’ a point of view. Therefore, I realize that if I am reacting in adrenaline as a mixture of anger and excitement, then, it is a mechanism of defense. And mechanisms of defense activate when there exists fear, but as one naturalizes it, one does not see it as a reaction. It happens in an unconscious level.

What I also realize is that – as I mentioned before – as one naturalizes this sort of adrenaline, the reaction is not perceived as deliberate. So, what I see, realize and understand is that my self-awareness towards someone showing me that I had reacted, wasn’t being lived as who I am in that moment, because I was so sure that I hadn’t said what I said in a deliberate attempt to kind of  ‘harm’ someone, that I thought I hadn’t done anything ‘wrong’ so to speak.

Now – as I am able to see the pattern within past experiences, I realize that it happens when I lose my breathing, when I am not here. So, I abdicate responsibility to this unconscious energetic reaction/personality where my voice tonality changes and my words cut like daggers, without realizing that I could express myself and express the same point without necessarily participating in such a reactive expression – which was exactly what my friend/band mate wanted to show me.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize when I am participating in an energetic reaction when expressing myself, because I have lost my breathing and self-awareness due to unconsciously activate rage and excitement, which are two emotions that as they have been blended/upgraded within my mind consciousness system to become a sort of adrenaline when I express myself when being in a sort of rush - I never realized it contained a negative charge which original source is/was fear and thus, I abdicated responsibility by not wanting to look at that point through activating a self-defense mechanism by using the excuse that what I had said wasn’t a deliberate attempt to harm anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to activate rage and excitement when being in a rush, because I fear making a mistake, therefore I become pushy and everything I say does not sound nice nor constructive, without realizing that in expressing myself while participating in such energetic reaction, I am more likely to create friction than comprehension.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see the reactive point that was being shown in front of me and start questioning the way I was being approached, because the individual that opened up this point in that moment started with comparison, then labeling me as Hitler, therefore I didn’t allow myself to open up and embrace it, because I judged this being’s method of discussing, instead of having a look within myself whereas he was directing the point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my ego react when not wanting to see what I was being shown, because I didn’t want to say ‘You are right’, without realizing that it is not about being ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, but as I didn’t want this individual to think he was ‘right’ based on ego, I didn’t focus on the main point, but on his method/approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that instead of judging the way I was being ‘confronted’, I could have focused on self-correction through breathing here, but as everytime I opened up a bit in front of everyone there, I felt I was being ‘attacked’ by this guy, so I replied that it was not only about me - mainly because my ego didn’t want to be placed in the inferior side of the polarity equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to this thought/backchat of ‘I will not let them win with their approach, because if I do so, they will believe that they are doing it right for the rest of their lives and they will not realize that there are other dimensions that are not being taken into consideration as a whole spectrum’, because I fear being taken by someone that I am not, so the only resource I have to sort of ‘opening their eyes while they are trying to open mine’ is through questioning their approach and let them know how they also react in the same way I do without realizing that this creates more and more friction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that people have different ways of addressing a point and that it is not necessary to resist what they say when their starting point/intention is a solution, but being able to direct self and the conversation in a way that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in an energetic reaction of ‘Okay, if you want to tell me this, I will also tell you this and that’, while thinking and believing that that was going to create a point of equality between both individuals, without realizing that the energetic reaction is the manifestation of ego shutting the door in front of commonsense’s face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be aware of my breathing here in every moment, and just get distracted by external stimuli where I react like being in a rush, without realizing that every breath I miss is a miss-take where I abdicate responsibility and let ego manifest through my expression in an unconscious and naturalized way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have naturalized this ‘expression’ unconsciously, because I have come to believe that as that reaction is an expression with no energetic charge, it is completely fine and it is other people’s responsibility to deal with my unconscious reaction, because I am apparently being self-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not treat others as I would like to be treated when they come with a different approach where I just end up participating in this ‘pseudo self-honesty’ by unconsciously ‘expressing’ this naturalized persona that it is in fact a system dressed like a ‘self-honest expression’.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself about to open up a point/make a suggestion, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am likely to express myself in a way that can create friction, especially when I don’t agree with what’s going on. Therefore...

...I commit myself to stop and breathe before opening my mouth when I want to express myself, in order to make sure I am breathing, that I am stable here.

When and as I see myself feeling in a rush when I am driving, because I do not want to make a mistake, I stop and breathe. I realize that the very fact of ‘becoming in a rush’ creates friction within myself and it activates this unconscious persona that speaks in a tough tonality instead of creating a clear communication that is best for all through treating everyone as I would like to be treated.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I become overwhelmed by too much stimuli and immediately tell myself ‘Stop!’ so as to bring myself here and be able to direct/express myself effectively.

When and as I see myself having someone next to me trying to show me a point where I have reacted, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that it is not necessary to activate ego through questioning the method/approach the other person is applying, but seeing the real source.

I commit myself to stop thinking, believing and perceiving that I am an ‘inferior human being’ when someone has identified a reaction existing within and as myself that they are showing in front of my face, so as to be able to be grateful for what they are doing without resisting it through ego.

When and as I see myself reacting in this ‘tough personality’ through my voice tonality which is triggered by a mixture of rage and excitement, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this ‘boost’ I am participating in is energy-based, therefore, it is not a ‘natural’ self-expression, but only a reaction.

I commit myself to become aware of my self-expression through breathing in every moment, in order to transmutate unconsciouss personality reactions into commonsense. 

Comentarios

  1. Thank You Pablo, the point of the unconscious righteousness and excitement is made clear here, very helpful for me!

    ResponderEliminar

Publicar un comentario

Entradas populares de este blog

Getting Angry with Students (Day 30)

Within my job as a teacher I can remember a few moments in which I took things personal, but they happened during my first year. Now, I am on my third year as a teacher and it's hard for me to get angry with students, because I prefer to address the issue through communication and agreements.
Today, I got angry with a student and I didn't even realize it until another student that was next to me said "teacher, don't get angry".
The scenario went as it follows:
Students were presenting oral reports. Before they start, I take the time to tell the class that they have to be quiet while their classmates are performing, because I have to assess them and if there's too much noise, I can't hear very well.
It was hard to me to keep them completely quiet today - teachers know that not all lessons with the same class work the same due to different factors -. So, I had to constantly stop and say "guys, be quiet. Your classmates are performing". That happened d…

When You See Only What You Want To See (Day 162)

Someone made an observation about me after communicating with them a couple of times. They noticed that I tend to see only what I want to see; meaning, that I understand things in the wrong way.

At first I was within myself like “But, how can that be possible if I try to be objective when I observe or listen to the information being shared?”, until today while watching a video and then, when giving it a second watch, I realized that “Hey, the first time I watched the video I understood something completely different to what I am understanding now”.
So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 
It’s like for moments I am paying attention, but then I go into my mind. Then, I get back to my body/awareness and I listen to the information and ‘understand what I want to understand’ or what it’s related to what I was t…

Energy-Based Relationships (Day 158)

Today I woke up with this feeling of loss, like I ‘had’ something that I was somehow losing. I realized that it’s energy. It’s the positive energy that I have been unconsciously creating within myself by spending time with X.

The way this came up was as fear; fear of losing, but more specifically, fear of not being ‘loved’ or that everything that X could possibly develop as energy towards myself was decaying. So, in the back of my mind, there was this idea that in order for me to be 'loved'/'liked', I required some energy.
I have realized that this emotional shifts happen when I believe in my thoughts when I am alone or when I judge what X shares with me. These shifts happen very fast and I realize that I activate the pattern but I become aware of it once already being in the emotional reaction.
When this happens, I tend to go “This is not gonna work. They are not feeling the same. They are faking it. This is only a game”, when actually the one that is participating in …