Ir al contenido principal

The Ex Moralist Guy & The Free Spirit Girl (Day 124)


Last night I met a friend and we started talking about ex girlfriends. This friend was a cool companion some years ago when I broke up with a girlfriend and I needed someone to talk to, so talking about girls, sex and those things is something I enjoy alot with him.

We were kind of doing a review of our ex girlfriends and how time has passed by. Many of them had children already and some others are currently pregnant. So, suddenly he says ‘Do you know what I heard from your ex?’ and I went ‘Nop. What happened?’. He said ‘Well, after you both broke up three years ago she started living la vida loca. Like going to lots of parties and those things’. I said ‘Yeah, that happens to most people. They break up and they start having sex with random people, getting drunk and thinking that in doing so they are going to overcome the pain/frustration they feel inside’. He then said ‘Well, your ex was having weird conversations with X and she was proposing to have a threesome with X and his girlfriend’.

After I heard that I noticed how I started feeling uncomfortable. I started feeling like the first time a friend told me that my ex was cheating on me, like a very deep anguish within myself. Then, my friend continued naming the guys my ex dated after our break up and also with whom he knew she had sex.

So, while I was listening to this information and feeling bad about it, I realized that what my friend was saying was something that he heard from X and X apparently had a chat with my ex so, I realized that it was more related to how he interpreted the chat. Then, I realized that I was also interpreting the information that my friend also interpreted from another interpretation and while I was listening to him I was in my mind picturing all he was saying, like in a movie, plus the activation of memories and suppressed emotions/thoughts that I had stored within my mind.

Even though I had judged this girl since the first moment I met her, I came to realize that I used to be a moralist. So, I told my friend ‘You know, girls - as well as men - want sex and if we had an active sexual life and suddenly we broke up, of course she wanted to have more sex...as well as we do. Now – I think she is a very open-minded girl, she is an artist and she lives her life in a certain way. So, the guy that is going to be her boyfriend in the future does not have to be a moralist who thinks that girls are part of his ownership, otherwise this girl is going to blow his mind, because he will feel jealous and things like that’.

Then, my friend mentioned that my ex’s current boyfriend – who is my friend’s friend - was not sure about having a ‘formal relationship’ with her when they first started dating, because he knew that she had had sex with many of his friends before him.

So, now I have been having a look at that very common pattern of wanting our partners to be as ‘pure’ as possible. Like, most males want to feel that they are 'unique' through being the only one who has had sex with a girl. And if we know someone who had sex with her before us one must feel jealous and/or feel like a fool. And this was exactly how I used to feel in the past and how I started to feel now in my present when my friend was telling me this new information. I was also kind of feeling pity for her, because I thought ‘Poor girl, I bet everyone thinks she is a slut for having sex with many guys. No one is going to take her seriously’.

Today I was thinking about it again and I started reacting with anger within myself, because I thought ‘Why did X mention that?’ Kind of judging X for gossiping behind my ex’s back. I then thought ‘Who do these guys think they are to judge a girl for what she decides to do with her body/vagina?’. And it is not that I reacted like that within myself because it is someone I know, it is because that person might be me and I wouldn’t like to be talked behind my back for the things I have done, because people do not realize/understand how a single statement/opinion can affect someone’s life. I understand that words are words and it is up to us to believe them or not, but most people take for granted what they hear and when those people are in hierarchical positions they can use their ‘power’ to ruin your life.

Why is it that we like talking behind people’s back, especially after we have had sex with a girl? I mean, I am not saying that we must not share our experiences, but we can share the experience without mentioning the girl’s name. We should first ask ourselves ‘Is what I want to say going to support that person?’ ,‘Why do I want to say it?’, ‘What’s the point behind it?’ So as to become responsible for the words we say and to avoid the fuck up opinions create on people’s minds, especially when they are not able to see beyond their programming.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have engaged in conversations that do not support human beings in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel curious about a girl’s sexual life and thus, I accepted and allowed myself to take a ‘passive role’ in gossiping by listening to what I was being told and wanting to know more about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind to create a whole movie from what I am being told, where I give my characters different personalities and behaviors that create a whole alternate reality within my mind, without realizing that what I am seeing and understanding through using my imagination is only an interpretation that has nothing to do with how the real events happened in someone else’s life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anguish within myself when listening to a friend telling me about my ex girlfriend’s sexual life encounters after we broke up, because suppressed thoughts and emotions were automatically triggered and thus, I experienced myself in the same way I did in the past when someone told me that my ex was cheating on me.  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the thought ‘Poor girl, I bet everyone thinks she is a slut for having sex with many guys. No one is going to take her seriously’ to exist within myself based on moral beliefs related to the moralist guy that thinks that a girl who has an active sexual life is a slut, without realizing that everyone is free to decide what to do with their sexual organs beyond gender.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger towards X when picturing him within my mind as a fat ass eating pizza and talking behind my ex’s back while enjoying his moral gossip through a smile and a ‘I know everything’ stance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with envy and desire when thinking ‘I wish I was part of that threesome. I didn’t know she had become that naughty’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge a human being as ‘naughty’ because they want to explore themselves out of the ‘normal’ way of having sex.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with desire to have sex with my ex girlfriend again because of the activation of memories where I saw myself being able to be completely sexually satisfied through the things we did together and now as I had more ‘dirty information’ about her I wanted to try the ‘new upgrades’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my ex as a sexual object because of the way she behaved sexually with me and others based on the current gossip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with anguish as the negative side of the polarity when I heard the rumors about my ex and then with desire to have sex with her again as the positive side of the polarity, without realizing that I was participating in a mind fuck as the same cycle that I experienced when we were together where I hated her for being a ‘free spirit’ but at the same time wanting to keep her with me only because of the way I felt when having sex.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself listening to rumors about someone that I know and I start reacting emotionally within myself because I am creating a movie within my mind, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that those rumors are interpretations that create opinions and beliefs, therefore what I am creating within my mind is another interpretation that has nothing to do with the reality of the events.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I start using my imagination to understand what I am being told about someone so as to bring myself back here and to not accept and allow myself to participate in feelings and emotions, but instead direct myself in the moment towards using the topic as a way to encourage awareness among the participants through presenting other ways of approaching the same phenomenon in a way that supports everyone.

When and as I see myself judging human beings as naughty or sluts because of the way they want to explore sexuality, I stop and breathe. I realize that everyone is free to explore themselves as they want within sex and that as long as all the participants agree to do it, everyone else’s opinions are just judgments.

I commit myself to see human beings as who they are as one and equal instead of reacting towards the way they have decided to express themselves within sex.

When and as I see myself reacting with desire to have sex with my ex girlfriend, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the desire is created based on memories from the past where I judged her as a slut/naughty girl because of the way she expressed herself within the sexual intercourse, in an attempt to compensate the negative emotions of jealousy, anguish and frustration existing within myself through getting the positive feeling through an orgasm.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when the desire to have sex with my ex girlfriend is activated, to ground myself here so as to stop my participation in the creation of the link between sex as physical expression v/s an alternate mind reality when thinking memories stored in my mind consciousness system where I see my ex girlfriend as an object instead of as a human being, one and equal.

Comentarios

Entradas populares de este blog

Getting Angry with Students (Day 30)

Within my job as a teacher I can remember a few moments in which I took things personal, but they happened during my first year. Now, I am on my third year as a teacher and it's hard for me to get angry with students, because I prefer to address the issue through communication and agreements.
Today, I got angry with a student and I didn't even realize it until another student that was next to me said "teacher, don't get angry".
The scenario went as it follows:
Students were presenting oral reports. Before they start, I take the time to tell the class that they have to be quiet while their classmates are performing, because I have to assess them and if there's too much noise, I can't hear very well.
It was hard to me to keep them completely quiet today - teachers know that not all lessons with the same class work the same due to different factors -. So, I had to constantly stop and say "guys, be quiet. Your classmates are performing". That happened d…

When You See Only What You Want To See (Day 162)

Someone made an observation about me after communicating with them a couple of times. They noticed that I tend to see only what I want to see; meaning, that I understand things in the wrong way.

At first I was within myself like “But, how can that be possible if I try to be objective when I observe or listen to the information being shared?”, until today while watching a video and then, when giving it a second watch, I realized that “Hey, the first time I watched the video I understood something completely different to what I am understanding now”.
So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 
It’s like for moments I am paying attention, but then I go into my mind. Then, I get back to my body/awareness and I listen to the information and ‘understand what I want to understand’ or what it’s related to what I was t…

Energy-Based Relationships (Day 158)

Today I woke up with this feeling of loss, like I ‘had’ something that I was somehow losing. I realized that it’s energy. It’s the positive energy that I have been unconsciously creating within myself by spending time with X.

The way this came up was as fear; fear of losing, but more specifically, fear of not being ‘loved’ or that everything that X could possibly develop as energy towards myself was decaying. So, in the back of my mind, there was this idea that in order for me to be 'loved'/'liked', I required some energy.
I have realized that this emotional shifts happen when I believe in my thoughts when I am alone or when I judge what X shares with me. These shifts happen very fast and I realize that I activate the pattern but I become aware of it once already being in the emotional reaction.
When this happens, I tend to go “This is not gonna work. They are not feeling the same. They are faking it. This is only a game”, when actually the one that is participating in …