domingo, 31 de enero de 2016

Part II: Male Affection (Day 128)


After writing my previous post Male Affection (Day 127) I met a friend who said “I read what you wrote in your last post. You were forgiving yourself for fearing to be seen as gay for expressing yourself with affection towards other males. It was like you thought that being gay was something bad”.

So – this is a cool point that I hadn’t considered, because yeah, how many people think that being gay is something bad or negative? I would say that many. You know, ‘homosexuality’ was considered as a sort of ‘mental disease’ within the DSM, which is a manual used by psychologists. So we could say that the way of approaching homosexuality as something ‘negative’, as a ‘pathology’ is a phenomenon of modern age, therefore, a construct that can of course be deconstructed, instead of just accepting it due to being an hegemonic speech/discourse validated by ‘science’ that penetrates our minds and thus, affects/limits how we express ourselves through our physical bodies towards other human beings.

Plus, as it is well known nowadays, there exist constructs associated with our genitals. It’s like only for having a vagina you have to attach yourself to certain behaviors and the same applies for penises. The same binary/polarity the mind has to process information as good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative, male/female, so everything that goes out of that ‘norm’, will be considered, labeled and judged as ‘abnormal’ by the mind consciousness system, taking into consideration that each and every mind develops within a specific culture with their rituals, beliefs, myths, inter-subjectivity, etc.

So – having two males expressing affection between themselves could be perceived as ‘out of context’, but who determines that? The mind, because the mind expects that events unfold in a certain way according to what it has established as ‘normal’, based on culture, religions, and basically what plays out in a social environment. Therefore, a cool exercise to go beyond what our minds dictate would be to embrace that which we resist and/or reject and to investigate why is it that we tend to activate those culturally installed patterns in order to unlearn them through a self-honest instrospection. Why? I don’t know ... do you want to limit your expression due to beliefs/fears that a bunch of religious psychologists installed within yourself? I don’t.

Oh, I remember that once I was sat on a chair and a guy comes into me and says “girls sit like that. You should sit like a man” only because of the way my legs where positioned. And also, when I was a kid, I remember that once my dad gave me a watch to wear on my wrist and someone said “males wear watches on their left wrist and females on the right one”. Lol fortunately, I don’t see any of those beliefs today, but there exist many others that are more invisible so to speak; the ones that are ingrained within deeper layers, the ones that we believe are what make us who we are as our mind settings.    

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being gay is something bad, because the programming was so well installed within myself that I thought that those cultural beliefs/myths were part of the ‘who I am’, without realizing that in doing so, I was only obediently perpetuating an hegemonic speech/discourse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that my genitals determine how I must behave within society, such as the colors I wear, clothes, accessories, behaviors, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent to which my thoughts, feelings and emotions are conditioned to behave based on other people’s interests, meaning, what I like and what I don’t like through a domesticated mind and social body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in the cultural myths and beliefs in relation to what categorizes a human being as male or female through my behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with anger towards my mom when I was nine years old and she made me wear a pink shirt for a school activity, because I feared being bothered by my classmates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself when I was a teenager because I thought that some expressions I had were too feminine in terms of body expression and voice tonality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief within myself that I am a girl who was born in a male body, without realizing that in doing so, I am already categorizing myself within and as polarity, instead of accepting myself just as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt feminine when friends have huged me that I change my expression into a more ‘masculine’ one, in an attempt to show that I have ‘control’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given females a submissive expression/role, that’s why when I have experienced affection with other males, I have reacted with discomfort within my human physical body, because I feel inferior and it’s like I want to recover my ‘masculine power’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought and believed that in expressing myself with affection towards other males I am becoming ‘less masculine’in terms of having ‘control’ and ‘power’ according to what society implicitly teaches in relation to gender roles.


I will continue...

martes, 26 de enero de 2016

Male Affection (Day 127)


When having a look at the words ‘Love’, ‘Care’ and ‘Affection’ what I am able to bring here to this real time moment is, in some part memories from my childhood in relation to my parents and also current insights I have had.

Since I was a child I remember hearing from my mom that the kind of love my dad was able to express was more related to care, meaning, to be with you, to support you, like DOING things for you more than saying ‘beautiful words’/ 'nice things'. You know, there are many different ways in which one can express love. So, I am able to say that it took me a while to see, realize and understand what love is when it comes to doing/expressing it physically beyond words that fade away and that are not unconditionally lived in every moment.

I grew up not very used to hear nice words towards myself, because what I got from my parents has always been in relation to Care. I mean, it’s not that I was NEVER told nice words, but ...anyways. The point where I want to go here is within the friendship dynamics, especially friendship among males, because it is there where I have seen myself performing these patterns that I have learned throughout my life due to my aforementioned relationship with love.

It was 2012 I think when a new colleague approached me and said ‘I am new here, but I know that I am going to have 2 good friends’. He mentioned me and another colleague. As this guy likes astrology and those things I thought he was expressing that statement based on the horoscope, numerology, and those things but, I don’t really know.

One day we were hanging out with some other collegues and suddenly someone said ‘I have noticed some rivalry between Pablo and X. It’s like there’s something going on within themselves’. I looked at X’s face and he seemed uncomfortable.

Some days later X and I started having a chat on facebook and he started telling me about some issues within his marriage. This happened before I found Desteni, so I remember that I judged him from a moral stance/perspective. I even told him my point of view and now I am able to see that it wasn’t cool at all if I placed myself in his shoes back then.

Later, in 2013 we started kind of interacting more. We used to teach the same classes, so there was lots of communication going on. I learned a lot from him. This happened by the time I was doing the Desteni I process Lite course, so this time I was able to consider other perspectives beyond the binary way the mind has to process information.

So, one day X comes into me and says ‘Pablo, I think you are a very intelligent person. You have changed yourself a lot’. In that moment, I felt very uncomfortable, because of my background with regards to ‘love’ and ‘nice words’. He continued ‘What you have done is awesome. It’s like you used to be a close-minded moralist, but you were able to deconstruct yourself and now you are a new human being’. I didn’t know what to say, if I remember correctly, I said nothing. I tried looking ‘normal’ but my physical expression wasn’t fluent, I felt uncomfortable within my human physical body, like all my facial gestures seemed hard to syncronize in harmony.

Last week X needed some help with assembling a furniture, because he is moving in to a new place, so he is currently buying some new basic items. I took some screwdrivers, a hammer and I went to his house. The next day he sent me a message that said ‘Thank you, good Summer (Summer is my nickname) for always supporting me. I love you so much, brother. You are a great friend’. And again, I felt this discomfort within myself that reminds me of this viral video about a dog that during its entire life the only thing he experienced was punishment/abuse and the video showed how the dog reacted to love for the first time, like fearfully embracing it.

Well, what I did was to answer in a sort of joke something like ‘what a sweet dumbass’. But my first reaction was physical discomfort and as this happened in a chat, it was easier to give a step back, release the pattern and embrace it without getting speechless.

So, what I have noticed is that I have duplicated my dad’s love signature so to speak. And it’s only with girlfriends that I have explored affection through words and the touching and things like that, but this has never happened with male friends, probably because of the patriarchy device of control ingrained within myself through the culture I have been immersed in within my whole life that functions as the principle ‘males that express affection between themselves are gays’.

Plus, I have grown up having my dad believing I am gay, because when I was a teenager I used to paint my finger nails and dye my hair, but it was actually more related to punk rock than being gay lol.

I remember that the day I helped X, I had forgotten the tools to assemble the furniture, so we came to my house and there was my dad washing his car. I told X ‘Do you dare to meet my dad?’ and he said nothing, so I said ‘I dare you’ and he said ‘I dare you to introduce me as your boyfriend’ lol. That would have been a cool experiment, but it didn’t happen.

Okay, so what I am able to see here now through opening up this point through writing is that there exists this fear within myself. Fear of expressing myself with affection and also to say what I like from other people. Simple things just like ‘Thank you for being here and letting me learn from you’ and/or ‘Thank you for seeing me, thank you for listening to me, thank you for being patient with me and thank you for being a great companion’. That’s all. What happens next is up to us, to live love as an unconditional expression of mutual support without creating expectations, just embracing the moment and challenging ourselves to deconstruct our patterns that inhibit us from expanding ourselves.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become speechless when someone tells me ‘nice things’ about me that I react with discomfort within my human physical body and my facial gestures get influenced by energy and thus, I get out of sync/balance with my beingness expression here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as ‘gay’ if I express myself with affection towards other males, without understanding that the rejection is cultural and also due to the belief my dad created towards myself during my teenager years where he thought I was gay for painting my fingernails, dying my hair and having only male friends.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed what I have wanted to say towards my friends because of the thought ‘I don’t have to show affection through words’ in a sort of ‘boys don’t cry’ axiom.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how culture molds us through infecting our minds as thoughts, feelings and emotions and thus, our natural expression as human beings becomes programmed and then we obidiently follow what our minds dictate without deconstructing the patterns through self-honest self-instrospection but only perpetuating the programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing affection/love beyond what the culture/church/religions/families/moralists impose that we accept by default just by being born in a world full of boundaries that only exist inside our collective mind that end up functioning as self-limitations that inhibit us from embracing each moment here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have blamed my dad for the way I am, without realizing that instead of judging I could start applying with him what I am learning here through these insights.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have rejected my dad’s kiss when he took me to my first day of third grade in highschool  after we had moved to this city 16 years ago, because I feared being seeing as a fagget by my new classmates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced discomfort towards my dad when he nowadays approaches me with tickles and/or squeezes, because I think that that’s invasive and that I am already ‘grown up’ to do that, without realizing that we both used to enjoy that since I was a child and it doesn’t have to stop happening because my mind system dictates so due to having programmed thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged my dad for the way he is in terms of his expression; voice, facial gestures, the way he moves and behaves, without realizing that that is a cool point of reference for me to see myself in him, to realize and understand that we are one and equal and that all I see in him can be directed within myself through self-honesty and self-forgiveness without judging and/or blaming but perfecting it through practical application after the realizations I have had through this self-writing exercise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear within myself when I have told my dad that I have visited a male friend, because I think that he could think that I am gay, without realizing that what each person thinks within their secret mind is something I can’t help and it’s their responsibility to address it within their own processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given too much importance to what other people may think of me, without realizing that in doing so I am suppressing my expression and not fully being here through embracing each and every moment.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself having someone telling me ‘nice things’ or positive feedbacks about me and I react with discomfort within my human physical body, I stop and breathe. I realize that this discomfort is caused by how I have experienced ‘love’ and ‘affection’ since I was a kid, because I am not used to be told those things.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am experiencing someone telling me ‘nice things’ about myself, in order to bring myself back here and to remember that the reaction is suppressed expression that doesn’t know how to come up due to the cultural fea
rs installed within my mind system and body through biopower apparatus/deployments.

I commit myself to just express what I want to express in the moment when having someone telling me ‘nice things’ about me and if I don’t know what to say, just share that I am not used to that and to open up by saying that I am currently working on it, but that I am glad to be told that.

When and as I see myself blaming/judging my dad for the way I am today, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that my dad is me, one and equal, and that if I have identified the patterns I have duplicated from him, it’s then my responsibility to direct those points as a living example.

I commit myself to stop judging/blaming my dad for the way I am in terms of how to express love/affection.

I commit myself to embrace my dad’s expression in relation to how he expresses love/affection.

When and as I see myself fearing that people may think that I am gay if I express nice words and affection towards male friends, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that first of all it’s unacceptable to be worried about what other people may think of me and that I can also deconstruct myself when it comes to being affectionate/gentle with my friends.

I commit myself to stop fearing that people may think that I am gay if I want to share/express some affection or gentleness with a male friend through words or touching/hugs.

I commit myself to stop suppressing my expression with male friends.

I commit myself to just embrace the moment and be open to share my love/affection with male friends through not fearing to provide feedback through verbalized/written love/affection through words and also physically. 

jueves, 21 de enero de 2016

My Apathetic Character (Day 126)


I have been observing a pattern existing within myself that I want to stop. This pattern activates when people ask me a favor. I am going to share some moments where I have seen it.

A couple of months ago my sister told the family that she was going to get married. She asked me to play some live music there. At first I said “yeah, I can do it”, but then some weeks passed and my sister came into me asking “Pablo, did you talk to your band? Are you guys able to play?”. I said “Well, we haven’t been practicing a lot lately, so I haven’t seen them. But we have to practice next week so I will ask them”. I asked the guys and they said yes. Then I had an idea which was to play with the drummer of my band and another friend who plays the piano. I thought it would be a great idea because the piano gives the music a really cool atmosphere from my perspective.

It took me like 3 weeks to ask my pianist friend if he was able to play. He agreed. So, I told my sister that everything was okay and that we were going to play. I even asked her to choose like 6 songs. Then, after some other like two weeks I created a whatsapp group chat in order to organize the band. My pianist friend didn’t remember about it and he had made some other plans. So, a week before the wedding my sister asked me “And? How’s everything for next Sunday?” and I said “There will be no band in your wedding”. I noticed how my sister didn’t look at me after I told her.

I can say that since the beginning I didn’t really want to play. But, as my sister asked me and there was plenty of time to organize everything, I just said yes, because it wasn’t apparently  a big deal.

Now, I realize that I have been struggling with time. The type of life that I am currently living has no time limits so to speak. I get up when I want, I go to bed when I want, so when I have people checking how is the agreement we made going, I feel pressured. Like, I want to say “leave me alone”. But, I have also become used to this; having people pushing me. So, in a way I was like all the time expecting my sister to come and tell me, because that would be interpreted by me as “I still have time”. But, by the time I was going to direct the point, everything had changed.

I told some friends about it and all of them provided suggestions, like “but you can play alone. It’s not necessary to play 6 songs. Play only one. Only you and your guitar”, but I was like “I don’t want to place myself in that situation. It makes me nervous to think about playing in front of my family”. I didn’t want to do it alone and as my pianist friend also sings, I thought I would be supported, but that didn't happen.

In the second moment, there is this acquaintance drummer who lives in another city and asked me to translate one of his songs from Spanish to English. I helped him with it, but then he asked me “Does the lyrics fit in the song?”. I had thought about it, but as he only asked me for a translation, I didn’t consider syncronizing the lyrics with the song. So, I told him that I could do it. Then, he wouldn’t stop asking “hey, were you able to finish the song?”. Within myself I was like “what the hell. This is only a favor, plus I don’t feel like stop doing what I am doing to make him happy through doing what he asked me”.

These guys came to play in my city and they invited me. The drummer said “I have a present for you”. So I assumed that it was something in return for the favor I was doing for his band. Well, the day came and I didn’t go there. So today he asked me again and I said: look, I have been struggling with my ‘time filter’ and I have a serious problem with the word ‘commitment’, so I suggest you to find someone else to do it. I also see this as an opportunity for me, but if it just happens that I send you the song done, then you can compare it with the one you already have and choose the one you like the most, but do not ‘depend’ on me, otherwise you will end up hating me as well as everyone else does in my environment.

He said “no problem, what if I send you the song recorded with the lyrics and all and you just tell me if it sounds good? – And I said “yeah, that’s much better”.

And within my third moment. Last Sunday my sister got married. I got lots of visitors in my house. All of them coming from different cities. There was this 9 year-old boy who is a cousin’s son. This little dude for some reason saw my Playstation 3 and he said “Hey! I know you have a PS3. Can we play?” and as I didn’t really know him and also I remembered that a year ago I borrowed him my laptop and he pressed the buttons really hard, I said “uhm, sure, but maybe later or maybe tomorrow”. Then – I had the kid insisting me all the time to play with him. I wasn’t rude with him, but I wanted to explain that I don’t like having people insisting. He said “but you promised to me”. So, I told him “look – I have my schedule and I don’t like having people telling what to do. If I said yes, it’s because I will invite you when I want to. And if you keep insisting, that doesn’t make me feel like wanting to play with you. Ok?”.

I noticed how this created some friction among many people who was in my house but they didn’t say anything.

Oh, and some days before the wedding my sister asked me to go to her civil wedding and I forgot to attend. My mom had changed her behavior towards me and I thought it was due to not wantig to play with the kid and not attending my sister’s civil wedding. So I told her, "I have to learn how to say No". And she reacted a bit towards myself like saying “why do you commit yourself to do something if you will then say no? We can’t trust you”.

So – I see this pattern of not wanting to commit myself to do something. Most of the times I say yes, but then I don’t do it, mainly because I forget and if I forget it’s because I am not really interested. And then when I have people reminding me of my commitments I take it personally and react with displeasure.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ‘yes’ when I really don’t want to do something I was asked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying ‘no’ because I don’t want people to think that I am a bad person, without realizing that it is better to say ‘no’ since the beginning instead of not doing what I agreed to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become this sort of apathetic human being who is not interested or motivated to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in time because as I don’t really have a established schedule, I end up moving myself when I realize that I have been trapped in my mind without being aware of how much time has passed, because I am only distracting myself, especially in my laptop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this behavior/pattern affects my relationship with human beings in my environment and instead of supporting them unconditionally, I end up unconditioanlly creating deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that having people reminding me to do what I have agreed is because they want to control me, without seeing it as an opportunity for me to realize that I am not moving myself efficiently and effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become full of displeasure when having people reminding me to do something, because I perceive the situation as a polarity of superior/inferior, where the superior being is the one who reminds and the inferior the one who is reminded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the words that I say to other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only feel motivated towards hanging out, drinking alcohol and/or smoking weed, without understanding that that’s a trap that inhibits me from being able to physically be in my 100% to function practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change this pattern in real time even when being aware that I have the chance to do it now and that if I don’t do it now I will be perpetuating it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become apathetic even when having to read something, because I start the reading and then say ‘fuck it’ and find some other more entertaining stuff where to place my attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don’t have energy to do something, without realizing that that is only an excuse I am using to continue stuck instead of directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even experience tiredness when being all day in bed, without realizing that I am not physically tired, but mentally, which is only a though = it is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to feel motivated and energized to do some activity, without realizing that doing an activity only requires my decision and then to live my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only exist in the surface without wanting to go deeper, because with only thinking about it I feel tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consciously refuse to change myself within this point, because in a certain way I like being like this, without realizing that this is only existing in my comfort zone which inhibits me from trnascending it and expanding myself towards my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that everything I do is not enough, without realizing that there are many cool things I do that are part of my self-expression and it is just that there are some others that require to be burnished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this apathy was caused by my own participation and as I have created it, I can deconstruct it and re-define my new expression towards living my own words and becoming more efficient and effective.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself about to say 'yes' when someone is asking me for a favor, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I have to assess whether I am just saying it because I fear being seeing as a 'bad person' or it’s something that I can address based on practicality.

I commit myself to organize my time when I have agreed to do something, in order to provide unconditional help as the living word instead of becoming a mind based on polarity that says 'yes' and then 'no', just like a seesaw.

I commit myself to stop fearing saying 'no' when I see that what I am being asked to do is not possible due to other responsibilities that requiere more priority among my duties.

When and as I see myself judging myself as 'not good enough' in comparison to what others are able to do, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am only focusing on the negative side of myself and defining myself according to that.

I commit myself to stop judging myself in relation to what others are able to do.

I commit myself to to start expanding myself more in terms of the things I can do and to burnish myself where more dedication is required.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am lacking of energy and that I don’t want to direct a point, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this 'tiredness' is not real, because it comes from a thought, therefore, it was programmed to function as such within my mind system.


I commit myself to physically stand up and do something physical like washing my face, playing the guitar or helping in my house when realizing that I am participating in this apathetic character, in order to prove to myself that I can change this mind state by only stopping my mind and focusing on my human physical body.