Ir al contenido principal

Part II: Male Affection (Day 128)

After writing my previous post Male Affection (Day 127) I met a friend who said “I read what you wrote in your last post. You were forgiving yourself for fearing to be seen as gay for expressing yourself with affection towards other males. It was like you thought that being gay was something bad”.

So – this is a cool point that I hadn’t considered, because yeah, how many people think that being gay is something bad or negative? I would say that many. You know, ‘homosexuality’ was considered as a sort of ‘mental disease’ within the DSM, which is a manual used by psychologists. So we could say that the way of approaching homosexuality as something ‘negative’, as a ‘pathology’ is a phenomenon of modern age, therefore, a construct that can of course be deconstructed, instead of just accepting it due to being an hegemonic speech/discourse validated by ‘science’ that penetrates our minds and thus, affects/limits how we express ourselves through our physical bodies towards other human beings.

Plus, as it is well known nowadays, there exist constructs associated with our genitals. It’s like only for having a vagina you have to attach yourself to certain behaviors and the same applies for penises. The same binary/polarity the mind has to process information as good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative, male/female, so everything that goes out of that ‘norm’, will be considered, labeled and judged as ‘abnormal’ by the mind consciousness system, taking into consideration that each and every mind develops within a specific culture with their rituals, beliefs, myths, inter-subjectivity, etc.

So – having two males expressing affection between themselves could be perceived as ‘out of context’, but who determines that? The mind, because the mind expects that events unfold in a certain way according to what it has established as ‘normal’, based on culture, religions, and basically what plays out in a social environment. Therefore, a cool exercise to go beyond what our minds dictate would be to embrace that which we resist and/or reject and to investigate why is it that we tend to activate those culturally installed patterns in order to unlearn them through a self-honest instrospection. Why? I don’t know ... do you want to limit your expression due to beliefs/fears that a bunch of religious psychologists installed within yourself? I don’t.

Oh, I remember that once I was sat on a chair and a guy comes into me and says “girls sit like that. You should sit like a man” only because of the way my legs where positioned. And also, when I was a kid, I remember that once my dad gave me a watch to wear on my wrist and someone said “males wear watches on their left wrist and females on the right one”. Lol fortunately, I don’t see any of those beliefs today, but there exist many others that are more invisible so to speak; the ones that are ingrained within deeper layers, the ones that we believe are what make us who we are as our mind settings.    


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being gay is something bad, because the programming was so well installed within myself that I thought that those cultural beliefs/myths were part of the ‘who I am’, without realizing that in doing so, I was only obediently perpetuating an hegemonic speech/discourse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that my genitals determine how I must behave within society, such as the colors I wear, clothes, accessories, behaviors, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent to which my thoughts, feelings and emotions are conditioned to behave based on other people’s interests, meaning, what I like and what I don’t like through a domesticated mind and social body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in the cultural myths and beliefs in relation to what categorizes a human being as male or female through my behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with anger towards my mom when I was nine years old and she made me wear a pink shirt for a school activity, because I feared being bothered by my classmates.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself when I was a teenager because I thought that some expressions I had were too feminine in terms of body expression and voice tonality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief within myself that I am a girl who was born in a male body, without realizing that in doing so, I am already categorizing myself within and as polarity, instead of accepting myself just as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt feminine when friends have huged me that I change my expression into a more ‘masculine’ one, in an attempt to show that I have ‘control’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given females a submissive expression/role, that’s why when I have experienced affection with other males, I have reacted with discomfort within my human physical body, because I feel inferior and it’s like I want to recover my ‘masculine power’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought and believed that in expressing myself with affection towards other males I am becoming ‘less masculine’in terms of having ‘control’ and ‘power’ according to what society implicitly teaches in relation to gender roles.

I will continue...


Entradas populares de este blog

Getting Angry with Students (Day 30)

Within my job as a teacher I can remember a few moments in which I took things personal, but they happened during my first year. Now, I am on my third year as a teacher and it's hard for me to get angry with students, because I prefer to address the issue through communication and agreements.
Today, I got angry with a student and I didn't even realize it until another student that was next to me said "teacher, don't get angry".
The scenario went as it follows:
Students were presenting oral reports. Before they start, I take the time to tell the class that they have to be quiet while their classmates are performing, because I have to assess them and if there's too much noise, I can't hear very well.
It was hard to me to keep them completely quiet today - teachers know that not all lessons with the same class work the same due to different factors -. So, I had to constantly stop and say "guys, be quiet. Your classmates are performing". That happened d…

When You See Only What You Want To See (Day 162)

Someone made an observation about me after communicating with them a couple of times. They noticed that I tend to see only what I want to see; meaning, that I understand things in the wrong way.

At first I was within myself like “But, how can that be possible if I try to be objective when I observe or listen to the information being shared?”, until today while watching a video and then, when giving it a second watch, I realized that “Hey, the first time I watched the video I understood something completely different to what I am understanding now”.
So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 
It’s like for moments I am paying attention, but then I go into my mind. Then, I get back to my body/awareness and I listen to the information and ‘understand what I want to understand’ or what it’s related to what I was t…

Mr. Nice [Day 174]

I read a conversation between two people where they were talking about me. Person A was sharing a ‘problem’ that had had with me, while Person B was judged by me as Mr. Nice, because they were not supporting Person A, but adding more to the problem. What I mean by ‘adding more’ = no practical support, but continue talking about the same thing, without a solution, but only supporting Person A’s words without questioning them.

What I didn’t like was that for instance Person A was saying stuff like “He said/did this and that, fuck him”, while Person B went “Yes, that’s too bad,he is wrong, I understand what you are going through. Fuck him”, without even knowing me in person, without even talking to me once at least. So, I went within myself “This person thinks they know me? Plus, Person A’s arguments were an interpretation of the events, so Person B was basically reacting to Person A’s reaction. That’s why I say it was not supportive, but reactive.
Why did I judge Person B as ‘Mr. Nice’? …