After writing my previous post Male Affection (Day 127) I met a friend who said “I read what you wrote in your last post. You were forgiving yourself for fearing to be seen as gay for expressing yourself with affection towards other males. It was like you thought that being gay was something bad”.
So – this is a cool point that I hadn’t considered, because yeah, how many people think that being gay is something bad or negative? I would say that many. You know, ‘homosexuality’ was considered as a sort of ‘mental disease’ within the DSM, which is a manual used by psychologists. So we could say that the way of approaching homosexuality as something ‘negative’, as a ‘pathology’ is a phenomenon of modern age, therefore, a construct that can of course be deconstructed, instead of just accepting it due to being an hegemonic speech/discourse validated by ‘science’ that penetrates our minds and thus, affects/limits how we express ourselves through our physical bodies towards other human beings.
Plus, as it is well known nowadays, there exist constructs associated with our genitals. It’s like only for having a vagina you have to attach yourself to certain behaviors and the same applies for penises. The same binary/polarity the mind has to process information as good/bad, right/wrong, positive/negative, male/female, so everything that goes out of that ‘norm’, will be considered, labeled and judged as ‘abnormal’ by the mind consciousness system, taking into consideration that each and every mind develops within a specific culture with their rituals, beliefs, myths, inter-subjectivity, etc.
So – having two males expressing affection between themselves could be perceived as ‘out of context’, but who determines that? The mind, because the mind expects that events unfold in a certain way according to what it has established as ‘normal’, based on culture, religions, and basically what plays out in a social environment. Therefore, a cool exercise to go beyond what our minds dictate would be to embrace that which we resist and/or reject and to investigate why is it that we tend to activate those culturally installed patterns in order to unlearn them through a self-honest instrospection. Why? I don’t know ... do you want to limit your expression due to beliefs/fears that a bunch of religious psychologists installed within yourself? I don’t.
Oh, I remember that once I was sat on a chair and a guy comes into me and says “girls sit like that. You should sit like a man” only because of the way my legs where positioned. And also, when I was a kid, I remember that once my dad gave me a watch to wear on my wrist and someone said “males wear watches on their left wrist and females on the right one”. Lol fortunately, I don’t see any of those beliefs today, but there exist many others that are more invisible so to speak; the ones that are ingrained within deeper layers, the ones that we believe are what make us who we are as our mind settings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being gay is something bad, because the programming was so well installed within myself that I thought that those cultural beliefs/myths were part of the ‘who I am’, without realizing that in doing so, I was only obediently perpetuating an hegemonic speech/discourse.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have believed that my genitals determine how I must behave within society, such as the colors I wear, clothes, accessories, behaviors, etc.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent to which my thoughts, feelings and emotions are conditioned to behave based on other people’s interests, meaning, what I like and what I don’t like through a domesticated mind and social body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have participated in the cultural myths and beliefs in relation to what categorizes a human being as male or female through my behavior.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with anger towards my mom when I was nine years old and she made me wear a pink shirt for a school activity, because I feared being bothered by my classmates.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself when I was a teenager because I thought that some expressions I had were too feminine in terms of body expression and voice tonality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created the belief within myself that I am a girl who was born in a male body, without realizing that in doing so, I am already categorizing myself within and as polarity, instead of accepting myself just as who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt feminine when friends have huged me that I change my expression into a more ‘masculine’ one, in an attempt to show that I have ‘control’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have given females a submissive expression/role, that’s why when I have experienced affection with other males, I have reacted with discomfort within my human physical body, because I feel inferior and it’s like I want to recover my ‘masculine power’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought and believed that in expressing myself with affection towards other males I am becoming ‘less masculine’in terms of having ‘control’ and ‘power’ according to what society implicitly teaches in relation to gender roles.
I will continue...