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My Apathetic Character (Day 126)


I have been observing a pattern existing within myself that I want to stop. This pattern activates when people ask me a favor. I am going to share some moments where I have seen it.

A couple of months ago my sister told the family that she was going to get married. She asked me to play some live music there. At first I said “yeah, I can do it”, but then some weeks passed and my sister came into me asking “Pablo, did you talk to your band? Are you guys able to play?”. I said “Well, we haven’t been practicing a lot lately, so I haven’t seen them. But we have to practice next week so I will ask them”. I asked the guys and they said yes. Then I had an idea which was to play with the drummer of my band and another friend who plays the piano. I thought it would be a great idea because the piano gives the music a really cool atmosphere from my perspective.

It took me like 3 weeks to ask my pianist friend if he was able to play. He agreed. So, I told my sister that everything was okay and that we were going to play. I even asked her to choose like 6 songs. Then, after some other like two weeks I created a whatsapp group chat in order to organize the band. My pianist friend didn’t remember about it and he had made some other plans. So, a week before the wedding my sister asked me “And? How’s everything for next Sunday?” and I said “There will be no band in your wedding”. I noticed how my sister didn’t look at me after I told her.

I can say that since the beginning I didn’t really want to play. But, as my sister asked me and there was plenty of time to organize everything, I just said yes, because it wasn’t apparently  a big deal.

Now, I realize that I have been struggling with time. The type of life that I am currently living has no time limits so to speak. I get up when I want, I go to bed when I want, so when I have people checking how is the agreement we made going, I feel pressured. Like, I want to say “leave me alone”. But, I have also become used to this; having people pushing me. So, in a way I was like all the time expecting my sister to come and tell me, because that would be interpreted by me as “I still have time”. But, by the time I was going to direct the point, everything had changed.

I told some friends about it and all of them provided suggestions, like “but you can play alone. It’s not necessary to play 6 songs. Play only one. Only you and your guitar”, but I was like “I don’t want to place myself in that situation. It makes me nervous to think about playing in front of my family”. I didn’t want to do it alone and as my pianist friend also sings, I thought I would be supported, but that didn't happen.

In the second moment, there is this acquaintance drummer who lives in another city and asked me to translate one of his songs from Spanish to English. I helped him with it, but then he asked me “Does the lyrics fit in the song?”. I had thought about it, but as he only asked me for a translation, I didn’t consider syncronizing the lyrics with the song. So, I told him that I could do it. Then, he wouldn’t stop asking “hey, were you able to finish the song?”. Within myself I was like “what the hell. This is only a favor, plus I don’t feel like stop doing what I am doing to make him happy through doing what he asked me”.

These guys came to play in my city and they invited me. The drummer said “I have a present for you”. So I assumed that it was something in return for the favor I was doing for his band. Well, the day came and I didn’t go there. So today he asked me again and I said: look, I have been struggling with my ‘time filter’ and I have a serious problem with the word ‘commitment’, so I suggest you to find someone else to do it. I also see this as an opportunity for me, but if it just happens that I send you the song done, then you can compare it with the one you already have and choose the one you like the most, but do not ‘depend’ on me, otherwise you will end up hating me as well as everyone else does in my environment.

He said “no problem, what if I send you the song recorded with the lyrics and all and you just tell me if it sounds good? – And I said “yeah, that’s much better”.

And within my third moment. Last Sunday my sister got married. I got lots of visitors in my house. All of them coming from different cities. There was this 9 year-old boy who is a cousin’s son. This little dude for some reason saw my Playstation 3 and he said “Hey! I know you have a PS3. Can we play?” and as I didn’t really know him and also I remembered that a year ago I borrowed him my laptop and he pressed the buttons really hard, I said “uhm, sure, but maybe later or maybe tomorrow”. Then – I had the kid insisting me all the time to play with him. I wasn’t rude with him, but I wanted to explain that I don’t like having people insisting. He said “but you promised to me”. So, I told him “look – I have my schedule and I don’t like having people telling what to do. If I said yes, it’s because I will invite you when I want to. And if you keep insisting, that doesn’t make me feel like wanting to play with you. Ok?”.

I noticed how this created some friction among many people who was in my house but they didn’t say anything.

Oh, and some days before the wedding my sister asked me to go to her civil wedding and I forgot to attend. My mom had changed her behavior towards me and I thought it was due to not wantig to play with the kid and not attending my sister’s civil wedding. So I told her, "I have to learn how to say No". And she reacted a bit towards myself like saying “why do you commit yourself to do something if you will then say no? We can’t trust you”.

So – I see this pattern of not wanting to commit myself to do something. Most of the times I say yes, but then I don’t do it, mainly because I forget and if I forget it’s because I am not really interested. And then when I have people reminding me of my commitments I take it personally and react with displeasure.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ‘yes’ when I really don’t want to do something I was asked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear saying ‘no’ because I don’t want people to think that I am a bad person, without realizing that it is better to say ‘no’ since the beginning instead of not doing what I agreed to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become this sort of apathetic human being who is not interested or motivated to do anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become lost in time because as I don’t really have a established schedule, I end up moving myself when I realize that I have been trapped in my mind without being aware of how much time has passed, because I am only distracting myself, especially in my laptop.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this behavior/pattern affects my relationship with human beings in my environment and instead of supporting them unconditionally, I end up unconditioanlly creating deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that having people reminding me to do what I have agreed is because they want to control me, without seeing it as an opportunity for me to realize that I am not moving myself efficiently and effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become full of displeasure when having people reminding me to do something, because I perceive the situation as a polarity of superior/inferior, where the superior being is the one who reminds and the inferior the one who is reminded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live the words that I say to other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only feel motivated towards hanging out, drinking alcohol and/or smoking weed, without understanding that that’s a trap that inhibits me from being able to physically be in my 100% to function practically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not change this pattern in real time even when being aware that I have the chance to do it now and that if I don’t do it now I will be perpetuating it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become apathetic even when having to read something, because I start the reading and then say ‘fuck it’ and find some other more entertaining stuff where to place my attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I don’t have energy to do something, without realizing that that is only an excuse I am using to continue stuck instead of directing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even experience tiredness when being all day in bed, without realizing that I am not physically tired, but mentally, which is only a though = it is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to feel motivated and energized to do some activity, without realizing that doing an activity only requires my decision and then to live my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only exist in the surface without wanting to go deeper, because with only thinking about it I feel tired.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consciously refuse to change myself within this point, because in a certain way I like being like this, without realizing that this is only existing in my comfort zone which inhibits me from trnascending it and expanding myself towards my utmost potential.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that everything I do is not enough, without realizing that there are many cool things I do that are part of my self-expression and it is just that there are some others that require to be burnished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this apathy was caused by my own participation and as I have created it, I can deconstruct it and re-define my new expression towards living my own words and becoming more efficient and effective.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself about to say 'yes' when someone is asking me for a favor, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I have to assess whether I am just saying it because I fear being seeing as a 'bad person' or it’s something that I can address based on practicality.

I commit myself to organize my time when I have agreed to do something, in order to provide unconditional help as the living word instead of becoming a mind based on polarity that says 'yes' and then 'no', just like a seesaw.

I commit myself to stop fearing saying 'no' when I see that what I am being asked to do is not possible due to other responsibilities that requiere more priority among my duties.

When and as I see myself judging myself as 'not good enough' in comparison to what others are able to do, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I am only focusing on the negative side of myself and defining myself according to that.

I commit myself to stop judging myself in relation to what others are able to do.

I commit myself to to start expanding myself more in terms of the things I can do and to burnish myself where more dedication is required.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am lacking of energy and that I don’t want to direct a point, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that this 'tiredness' is not real, because it comes from a thought, therefore, it was programmed to function as such within my mind system.


I commit myself to physically stand up and do something physical like washing my face, playing the guitar or helping in my house when realizing that I am participating in this apathetic character, in order to prove to myself that I can change this mind state by only stopping my mind and focusing on my human physical body. 

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