lunes, 29 de febrero de 2016

Part III: Walking Away (Day 132)



This is part III continuing with my previous posts:

Walking Away (Day 130)
Part II: Walking Away (Day 131)

So – as I mentioned before, I am forgiving myself for the thoughts/backchats that I have had towards some beings with whom I interacted some days ago where I reacted within myself because I had created an idea/belief of what was happening in that moment due to judging these beings before and then keeping those judgments at the back of my mind, which activated a reactive pattern/persona that was asleep within myself.

Here I am going to take responsibility for the thoughts/backchats/judgments that I have created within my mind consciousness system towards X, in order to realease this accumulated emotional energy towards him to be able to find a solution for me and for all.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that X judges me through thinking that I am a sort of rich boy who has no idea about life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that X has spoken behind my back in front of his friends that also see me as a rich boy who has had everything I wanted for free in my life without any effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X is someone who is good at persuading/manipulating people due to his personality and thus, I have believed that he wants to do it with me as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that X is someone who has lots of potential, but as he only wears masks of personalities to persuade people according to the moment he is living, he only deceives himself, without realizing that this is a projection that exists within myself that I have to take responsibility for, instead of pointing fingers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that when X mentions good stuff about me in front of me and others is because he wants to manipulate/persuade me as though he is trying to get something from me, without realizing that this is a mechanism of manipulation that I have developed towards my parents since I was a kid that I am now projecting towards others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that X is a cynical individual when he gives his place or sacrifices himself to do something good for others as though he is trying to be seen under a certain light instead of doing it ‘from his heart’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and dislike X because he has been able to see through me in the past when he has identified some points that are running within my mind and he has visibilized them in real time and as a consequence, I have felt awkward and/or pushed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that X’s expression is a bit pushy, that’s why I tend to feel manipulated and under stress when he comes with an idea, because as I tend to take my time and he functions in a faster pace, that creates resistance within myself, because I feel that I have have to adapt myself to his pace, which I perceive as me being inferior and him as superior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not really see X as who he really is and just judge him, because if I am to have a look at my history with this being, he has always worked in a fast and pushy pace, which is something cool that has brought many contributions when it comes to be efficient and effective, because he sees the point and immediately direct it, which is something I don’t do, because I procrastinate a lot.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged X instead of seeing him as who he really is and learn from him, because he has many cool aspects that I could apply within myself, such as being persistent and straight forward when it comes to take an idea and turn it into the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created ideas and beliefs about other human beings in my world, through having thoughts that one suppress but get installed within our secret mind and become the voices and the script that determine how our relationship with other human beings must be, without seeing, realizing and understanding that through acting out those scripts, one activate specific personalities within oneself and then, we end up perpetuating a pre-programmed character instead of living as self-expression, limiting ourselves to see human beings as equals and thus, to understand that everything one reject, resist and judge from others is just simply a projection that reveals what exists within ourselves as an opportunity to stop hiding and blaming, to once for all start changing ourselves and changing the world through taking responsibility for what we are accepting and allowing to exist within our mind consciousness system.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself thinking, believing and perceiving that X wants to manipulate/persuade me, I stop and breathe. I realize that X’s pace is different to mine, therefore, instead of taking things personally...

I commit myself to stop feeling manipulated when someone comes with an idea that must be addressed as soon as possible and instead...

I commit myself to look at the idea instead of placing my reaction upon it or placing myself whether in the superior or inferior pedestal.

When and as I see myself being pushed to do something I don’t want to, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that if I react to what I am being told, then it’s not me who is listening, it’s my ego, therefore...

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I react to someone that I perceive that is pushing me to do something I don’t want to, so as to see the whole spectrum and then make a decision that is not influenced by any emotional reaction.

I commit myself to have a look at what I reject from other human beings in my world, in order to learn from them and see what aspects from them I could apply within myself in order to create a change that’s best for me and for all.

When and as I see myself reacting to someone that approaches me in a fast pace, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I tend to duplicate human beings expression, therefore I end up accelerating myself, that’s why I don’t feel comfortable, because I am placing my attention on the energy instead of seeing the whole picture.

I commit myself to stop reacting to people that have a faster expression than mine.


I commit myself to stop and breathe when I notice that I am becoming stressed due to having someone pushy insteracting with me, in order to calm myself down and be here to direct what it required to be addressed without panic.

I commit myself to express through communication when someone is going too fast in order to let them know that I would like them to go a bit slow, so as to support myself within my interactions with other human beings and equally the other person in case they are not aware of their fast/pushy expression, because in doing this I am treating others as I would like to be treated in case I came up to share an idea full of energy.

domingo, 28 de febrero de 2016

Part II: Walking Away (Day 131)


Ok - Here I am continuing with my previous post Walking Away (Day 130). So, the day after I wrote it, I noticed that I was still reacting within myself. I created many scenarios within my mind, basically expectations about what was going to happen if I get to meet the guys again. Questions such as “Will they be upset? Will they ask me about what happened to me? Was it too evident that I reacted?”, so in that moment I applied self-forgiveness aloud to release all the energy that I was building up through thinking.

Then, what I did was to speak outloud in real time what I would say if I had the chance to talk to the guys about my reaction in order to change. I didn’t do this because I think that I must explain myself in front of them, but basically to take responsibility for my mind. So, as I was speaking I realized that I was being self-honest through explaining to myself what had happened, how the reaction got triggered and I also realized something interesting, which is that I had thoughts, backchats and opinions towards the guys, like those things that exist within your secret mind, those things that you never mention.

So, in that moment I decided to first of all apply self-forgiveness on each of the guys there and this is what I am going to do now. So, the first one in this post is going to be Z, then X and finally Y.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z is someone that as long as there is alcohol, he will be there with you, but if there is no alcohol, he will go home and won’t give a shit about you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z has tried to manipulate me when it comes to going out together, in order to make the plan go according to his preferences, especially when we go by car.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that Z is someone who pretends to be smart but that actually he is just a stupid kid, without realizing that in doing so I am placing myself in the superior pedestal where I see him as someone inferior and thus, not seeing him as an equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged Z as someone who has no idea about who I am and that he has not realized how ‘important’ and ‘special’ I am, that’s why I reacted when he paused me when I wanted to say goodbye by holding hands the other day, while believing ‘this dude has no idea about with whom he is messing up’ and then I tried to compesate the feeling inferior with just leaving.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to be someone ‘important’ and ‘special’ to the eyes of my ‘friends’, because that would place me in a superior pedestal, without realizing that in doing so, I am looking for control and manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z will act out a type of persona that is pleasant and that says ‘yes’ to all you say, just to get what he wants, without realizing that I do not know this guy that much and that I may be judging him instead of seing him as his genuine expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z is someone who won’t give a shit if you have to waste all of your money when buying something as long as he gets some benefits from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z is someone who does not understand me when I talk commonsense with him, because I judge his physical expression as ‘distracted’ and as though he was thinking “shut up”, because he does not always provide feedback.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z laughs at me behind my back because of the way I am, the things I do and how I behave, because I have sometimes looked at him and he is smiling, kind of laughing, without realizing that in doing this, I am judging myself through taking his laugh personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that Z talked behind my back after what happened the other day and that he does not realize how he perpetuates what he hates, because he has mentioned that he hates his family dynamics when they all speak behind their backs but later they all hang out pretending everything is cool, which he considers is hypocrite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I talk to Z and I say “I bet you talked behind my back the other day when I left. Don’t you realize that you do the same that you hate from your family? You are not changing anything”, without realizing that I can’t take that for granted and that those are not the best ways to support people to change in case he did/does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that in the past Z defined me as someone who had lots of money and that that gave him a reason to manipulate me, because he was the guy that knew where all the parties were happening, while I was the stupid one with car and money, kind of paying him as he was my party manager.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that Z told their friends “naa it doesn’t matter, this guy has money, so let’s take advantage of him”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the definitions we place upon money define the dynamics within our relationships with other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that having money v/s not having money has affected my relationship with my friends, because when I had money in the past I felt I had power and now as I don’t have money, I feel disempowered, without realizing that money must not be the definition of self-empowerment, but me as who I am as a human being everyday in every moment, with or without money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become paranoid in relation to my relationship with money, because I have projected all my fears and self-judgments towards other people, instead of realizing that instead of projecting and blaming, I have to deconstruct my own mind consciousness system and thus, I will purify my relationship with others, where instead of projecting and blaming, I will say this is not them, it’s me, I am creating this, I am responsible for what I am thinking, believing and perceiving.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself projecting my fears and self-judgments in relation to money, through thinking that people wants to manipulate me or take advantage of me, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that no one can manipulate me as long as I accept and allow it, therefore, if I am thinking that someone wants to take advantage of me, it’s because I am manipulating myself in that moment and instead of taking responsibility immediately, I am projecting it towards others, because I do not want to have a self-honest look within what I am accepting and allowing myself to be in that moment.

I commit myself to stop projecting my fears and self-judgments towards others.

I commit myself to have a look within myself when I am thinking that others want to take advantage of me or manipulating me, in order to take responsibility for my own mind first instead of immediatelty blaming and projecting.

I commit myself to stop defining my expression based on whether I have money or not and instead, become the same human being as self-honest expression in every moment.

When and as I see myself thinking that other people are the way I believe, I stop and breathe. I realize that I cannot trust my mind, because if I am reacting is because I have accumulated backchats towards them and that there is something that I need to address in relation to my expression here.

I commit myself to have a look at the backchats, thoughts and beliefs I have accumulated towards the people I interact with, in order to stop the self-deception and start seeing human beings instead of judging them.

When and as I see myself feeling manipulated because I perceive that I am following another’s plan instead of mine, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that instead of feeling manipulated and just continue feeling like that I can open up the point through communication without fearing to change the plan, because as long as there is someone that does not fully agree with a specific point, there can be changes in order to make everyone comfortable.


I commit myself to share my perspective when I do not fully agree with something, in order to make a contribution instead of accumulating backchats and then projecting them towards the human beings I interact with in my world.

jueves, 25 de febrero de 2016

Walking Away (Day 130)


Last night I was with some friends in the squat we usually hang out and something happened that triggered a reaction within myself. Let me explain the whole scenario.

Some of my friends were already there, so by the time I got there, they were already wasted. As usual, I had my guitar, because I love playing outdoor. Suddenly, one of the guys there, a guy that I had never seen before started saying “dude, you play the guitar really well”. I felt a bit awkward, but I said “Oh yeah? Do you really think so?” and X said “lol Do you really think so? That didn’t sound humble" in a sort of joke. I didn’t laugh because it wasn’t funny. Instead, I continued playing my guitar.

Then, X started screaming “Jesus, oh you all mighty, my saviour!” kidding just when some people were coming in. I thought “This dude wants to get the attention, but it’s okay. He is not insulting anyone, he is just pretending he is a preacher”.

X then wanted to buy some drugs, so he asked me “Hey, can we go by car?” and I said “No. Wanna know why? Because I have taken you there too many times and I don’t want to have troubles”. He then insisted “Does your decision have a price?” and I said “No”.

Later, there were no more drinks and X decided to buy his drugs and some beers by foot. He was about to get out of the place and he said “Guys, the store is closed. We will have to go to another one”. So, X came back and said “We should all go. Shall we?”. From the entrance you can see the store, so it was true it was closed.

So, when I saw X coming back, I thought “This guy wants me to take him/us there by car and he will use this as an opportunity to ask me to take him to buy drugs, because we will be already in my car and the store is very close to where he buys drugs”.

X started asking what we wanted to do. He said “Pablo, do you want to drink more beers?” and I said “Not really. I am cool here just playing my guitar”. He said “But, we can go by foot”. I started feeling pushed and under pressure/stress. I thought “Why is he saying that if he knows I came here by car. Does he think I don’t want to give them a ride. Oh no, he wants me to give him a ride by saying what he has just said. Why is he so evident?. So, I said “Ok, I’d better go home now” I grabbed my guitar and I wanted to say bye to Z by holding hands, but he said “Let’s say good bye outside, because we are all leaving”.

That’s when I felt totally pressured, stressed, manipulated and overwhelmed. Because as X and Z wanted to continue drinking, and as we were all leaving the place, and my car was in the entrance, what I thought was that they wanted the situation to go natural, like a coincidence, but with a tacit intention behind. So, I said “Ok, see ya” and I abruptly left.

Within myself I was angry. But what I realized was that there were many factors that started building up energy within myself since the moment I got there. It was basically having to deal with drunk people. I just wanted to play my guitar, they were screaming, they asked me to play a song and then they didn’t even pay attention to the music, X offering me money to take him to buy drugs, kind of bribing me, then feeling pressured due to X insisting too much and finally Z kind of pausing me there kind of not wanting me to leave as he was colluded with X’s intentions.  

The question anyone could ask is “Why didn’t you want to take them in your car?”. Simple, when people are too drunk, they can throw up. One of the guys there – the one I didn’t know – could barely walk and he couldn’t even notice that his hands were standing on broken glass and that he was probably bleeding a little bit.

Another point that I could notice was that X wanted to accomplish his goal and as he is good at persuading people, he wanted to get his goal by approaching it from a different angle. His first attempt was to directly ask me. And then by inviting me, he wanted to ‘buy’ my will to move. And as I had my car there it was obvious that if we all get to the entrance, we will see my car and as usual we would all get in.

So, instead of reacting by trying to talk to them and as I noticed I was uncomfortable, I just left. But, after I left I was thinking “I bet they are talking about me right now. They are saying that I am this and that”. Then I thought “What could have been perceived as wrong within what just happened if we see it from the outside?” and the only thing that I saw was that I didn’t hold hands to say goodbye, which is basically not ‘respecting’ a social code, so it’s not a big deal, but what I realized was that I couldn’t handle the situation without reacting. Probably leaving was the best that I could do, but there are emotions and lots of backchats that activated that I need to take responsibility for.

This is a pattern that I hadn’t seen in a long time within myself. Actually I used to leave without saying anything in the past in my relationships with girlfriends. There were times where I felt overwhelmed and angry due to different situations, so instead of starting an argument, I decided to leave. The ‘upgrade’ that I developed within that reactive pattern was to say “Look, I am really angry right now. I want to leave. When I am stable again, I will call you and we can talk about this. But not now”, which is something cool, just being honest and share the way we feel through communication. But that didn’t happen last night.

I noticed that there was also this positively charged thought of “This is for them to realize that I am not an easy-to-manipulate person. I do what I want and I don’t give a shit about leaving without saying anything. And if they call me selfish they know I am not, because I have invited them thousands of times to eat hot dogs and I have given them rides hundreds of times in the past without even asking them money in return”. Kind of justifying my reaction lol.

So, in my next post I would like to start applying self-forgiveness within this pattern that was asleep within myself.

sábado, 13 de febrero de 2016

Gargantuan Mouth (Day 129)


A few minutes ago I was having lunch with my mom. She had prepared spaghetti wich is my favorite meal. It was all going great until she mentioned that yesterday she came across my ex girlfriend’s mom in the street.

They started talking and my mom told this woman something that I had told my mom as a sort of secret. I am not going to mention it here, because it may compromise other people that are also involved, but instead I am going to write down my reaction.


The first thing I noticed was a mixture of anger and disappointment building up within myself. Then the backchat “why did my mom say that?”, so I asked my mom “why did you tell her that? Was it really necessary?” but she started changing topic, so I said “you are changing topic. Look, you shouldn’t have said that. That compromises me and other people”.

I remembered that my dad in the past mentioned that my mom tends to speak too much and that she does not know how to filter what she’s saying.

Within myself I started judging my mom and comparing her with one of my cousins who is like my mom’s best friend. I remembered that I once told that cousin something personal/private and then it became something that everyone else knew. So, I thought “this pattern of speaking more than what it is necessary comes from my mom’s family DNA sort of thing. Because there has been lots of problems among my mom’s sisters and cousins and all the women in my mom’s family. They all like gossiping and they do not realize that it is something that they have to stop”.

Then, I finished my spaghetti, I stood up and sat on the couch while playing with a little kitten that my sister found outside our house the other day. My mom was talking to me, but I still felt disappointed. So, I judged everything she was saying, I thought “she is saying that because she wants me to forget about what she did. She is being nice because she knows she fucked it up”.

But then I stopped my reaction within myself. I realized that I sometimes do the same my mom and her sisters and cousins do, which is saying facts that are not necessary. Sometimes I give too much details that are not relevant. I mean, sometimes those details are necessary when you want to take the conversation into deeper levels, so more data is required in order to see the whole picture, but when you come across people in the street that you don’t really know well and they are just sharing something and you start sharing what someone else told you...it sucks.

Probably I am not being very clear here, but imagine that you meet a new person and someone else starts saying things about them. There are things that are relevant, but that are some others that are not. So, if I am telling you that I met someone, that’s it. You don’t have to tell me with how many girls they slept, how much they earn, what color is their underwear. etc. You see? Not relevant. It’s like you throw up all you’ve got without first assesssing it within yourself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not first assess within myself what I want to share and just throwing it up, without considering that what I say may compromise me and other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have shared unnecessary information with other people, because I want to engage them in the conversation as a fishhook to entertain myself and to also get their acceptance and validation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire and wish to get validation from other people by sharing all I know in relation to other beings when talking about facts that are unnecessary but sound amusing/interesting, because that places me in a stand where I have enough control to be seen by others as someone interesting that is worth talking to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire and wish to be someone important by sharing ‘important’ facts about other beings in front of the people I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what my mom shared with my ex girlfriend’s mom was something I shared with her that was something that someone else shared with me, therefore I faced the consequences, the domino effect and that was what triggered my reaction = realizing the extent to which the private information ended up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my anger and disappointment have something to do with someone else, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I myself participated and contributed with what I reacted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize and understand that I was not angry and disappointed at my mom, but at myself, because I was responsible for what I told her a couple of months ago, because if it was something ‘private’, I should have kept it as such, without believing that only because of the fact that my mom is my mom she was not going to say anything about it, plus I never told her it was something private.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wished, desired and wanted my mom to experience guilt and regret for what she had done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wished, desired and wanted my mom to become sad and tell me “son, I am so sorry”, to just then reject her and make her feel worse, because in doing so I would feel that I am ‘teaching her a lesson’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my mom’s eyes after she told me what she had done, in an attempt to show her that I was disappointed at her through the way I was looking at her, kind of expressing “look how I feel now, look what you have done to me”, without realizing that in doing so I was acting out my Victim Character whose nature is compounded by manipulation; self-manipulation and the manipulation of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people must experience sadness, guilt and blame as a sort of punishment in order to be able to change themselves after what they have done, without seeing, realizing and understanding that religion does those shits and that the change can also be constructed and encouraged and developed through commonsensical communication out of the mind system and its mechanisms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see my own responsibility first and just participate in emotional reactions, judgments, projections, self-victimization and manipulation, without seeing, realizing and understanding that those patterns = (self) deception and (self) enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that I have to stop my patterns first instead of trying to change other human beings’ ones, because in changing myself first, I become a living example instead of a backseat driver.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself  reacting with anger and disappointment towards someone, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I first must have a look within myself, so as to see where in my life I participate in the same mechanimsms and then direct the point into how to make it part of self-change instead of activating deceptive characters that create no solution, but more (self) enslavement.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I start reacting with anger and disappointment within myself so as to calm myself down and to realize that I am not those feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to have a look within myself when I start feeling anger and disappointment, in order to see how I can direct the point into that which is best for all through commonsense.

When and as I see myself wanting, desiring and wishing to get validation/acceptance through engaging people when I talk unnecesary/private facts about someone else in order to be seen as someone interesting that is worth talking to, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that what I am is what I do/live, therefore if I want validation/acceptance through only speaking about others, then that’s what I am/become.

I commit myself to stop wanting to get something through talking about others.

I commit myself to stop believing that I will become the best version of me if I continue talking unnecesary facts about others.

I commit myself to become the best of me through being me, through living as who I am, as my realizations, as an example, not about/as others.

When and as I see myself wanting to share something that has been shared to me as a private fact, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that when the ‘private message’ comes from the main person it’s because they would like to know my perspective, that’s why they ‘trust’ me, therefore, the only reason why I should share that point (not even their name ) is when I would like to see other perspectives to assist and support that person, but not as a way to only show off.

I commit myself to only share what is ‘private’ from the starting point of getting more perspectives to assist and support other beings, taking care of not compromising them as human beings.

I commit myself to stop showing off what I have been told when it sounds interesting/amusing, because I realize that the point of assisting and supporting is disregarded when participating in such pattern.


I commit myself to ask myself ‘why do I want to do this?’ when I want to share something I have been told, in order to question my own patterns and thus, deconstruct and change myself instead of perpetuating self-deception.