sábado, 13 de febrero de 2016

Gargantuan Mouth (Day 129)


A few minutes ago I was having lunch with my mom. She had prepared spaghetti wich is my favorite meal. It was all going great until she mentioned that yesterday she came across my ex girlfriend’s mom in the street.

They started talking and my mom told this woman something that I had told my mom as a sort of secret. I am not going to mention it here, because it may compromise other people that are also involved, but instead I am going to write down my reaction.


The first thing I noticed was a mixture of anger and disappointment building up within myself. Then the backchat “why did my mom say that?”, so I asked my mom “why did you tell her that? Was it really necessary?” but she started changing topic, so I said “you are changing topic. Look, you shouldn’t have said that. That compromises me and other people”.

I remembered that my dad in the past mentioned that my mom tends to speak too much and that she does not know how to filter what she’s saying.

Within myself I started judging my mom and comparing her with one of my cousins who is like my mom’s best friend. I remembered that I once told that cousin something personal/private and then it became something that everyone else knew. So, I thought “this pattern of speaking more than what it is necessary comes from my mom’s family DNA sort of thing. Because there has been lots of problems among my mom’s sisters and cousins and all the women in my mom’s family. They all like gossiping and they do not realize that it is something that they have to stop”.

Then, I finished my spaghetti, I stood up and sat on the couch while playing with a little kitten that my sister found outside our house the other day. My mom was talking to me, but I still felt disappointed. So, I judged everything she was saying, I thought “she is saying that because she wants me to forget about what she did. She is being nice because she knows she fucked it up”.

But then I stopped my reaction within myself. I realized that I sometimes do the same my mom and her sisters and cousins do, which is saying facts that are not necessary. Sometimes I give too much details that are not relevant. I mean, sometimes those details are necessary when you want to take the conversation into deeper levels, so more data is required in order to see the whole picture, but when you come across people in the street that you don’t really know well and they are just sharing something and you start sharing what someone else told you...it sucks.

Probably I am not being very clear here, but imagine that you meet a new person and someone else starts saying things about them. There are things that are relevant, but that are some others that are not. So, if I am telling you that I met someone, that’s it. You don’t have to tell me with how many girls they slept, how much they earn, what color is their underwear. etc. You see? Not relevant. It’s like you throw up all you’ve got without first assesssing it within yourself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not first assess within myself what I want to share and just throwing it up, without considering that what I say may compromise me and other human beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have shared unnecessary information with other people, because I want to engage them in the conversation as a fishhook to entertain myself and to also get their acceptance and validation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire and wish to get validation from other people by sharing all I know in relation to other beings when talking about facts that are unnecessary but sound amusing/interesting, because that places me in a stand where I have enough control to be seen by others as someone interesting that is worth talking to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, desire and wish to be someone important by sharing ‘important’ facts about other beings in front of the people I know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what my mom shared with my ex girlfriend’s mom was something I shared with her that was something that someone else shared with me, therefore I faced the consequences, the domino effect and that was what triggered my reaction = realizing the extent to which the private information ended up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that my anger and disappointment have something to do with someone else, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I myself participated and contributed with what I reacted to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see, realize and understand that I was not angry and disappointed at my mom, but at myself, because I was responsible for what I told her a couple of months ago, because if it was something ‘private’, I should have kept it as such, without believing that only because of the fact that my mom is my mom she was not going to say anything about it, plus I never told her it was something private.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wished, desired and wanted my mom to experience guilt and regret for what she had done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wished, desired and wanted my mom to become sad and tell me “son, I am so sorry”, to just then reject her and make her feel worse, because in doing so I would feel that I am ‘teaching her a lesson’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my mom’s eyes after she told me what she had done, in an attempt to show her that I was disappointed at her through the way I was looking at her, kind of expressing “look how I feel now, look what you have done to me”, without realizing that in doing so I was acting out my Victim Character whose nature is compounded by manipulation; self-manipulation and the manipulation of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that people must experience sadness, guilt and blame as a sort of punishment in order to be able to change themselves after what they have done, without seeing, realizing and understanding that religion does those shits and that the change can also be constructed and encouraged and developed through commonsensical communication out of the mind system and its mechanisms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see my own responsibility first and just participate in emotional reactions, judgments, projections, self-victimization and manipulation, without seeing, realizing and understanding that those patterns = (self) deception and (self) enslavement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that I have to stop my patterns first instead of trying to change other human beings’ ones, because in changing myself first, I become a living example instead of a backseat driver.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself  reacting with anger and disappointment towards someone, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that I first must have a look within myself, so as to see where in my life I participate in the same mechanimsms and then direct the point into how to make it part of self-change instead of activating deceptive characters that create no solution, but more (self) enslavement.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when and as I start reacting with anger and disappointment within myself so as to calm myself down and to realize that I am not those feelings and emotions.

I commit myself to have a look within myself when I start feeling anger and disappointment, in order to see how I can direct the point into that which is best for all through commonsense.

When and as I see myself wanting, desiring and wishing to get validation/acceptance through engaging people when I talk unnecesary/private facts about someone else in order to be seen as someone interesting that is worth talking to, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that what I am is what I do/live, therefore if I want validation/acceptance through only speaking about others, then that’s what I am/become.

I commit myself to stop wanting to get something through talking about others.

I commit myself to stop believing that I will become the best version of me if I continue talking unnecesary facts about others.

I commit myself to become the best of me through being me, through living as who I am, as my realizations, as an example, not about/as others.

When and as I see myself wanting to share something that has been shared to me as a private fact, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that when the ‘private message’ comes from the main person it’s because they would like to know my perspective, that’s why they ‘trust’ me, therefore, the only reason why I should share that point (not even their name ) is when I would like to see other perspectives to assist and support that person, but not as a way to only show off.

I commit myself to only share what is ‘private’ from the starting point of getting more perspectives to assist and support other beings, taking care of not compromising them as human beings.

I commit myself to stop showing off what I have been told when it sounds interesting/amusing, because I realize that the point of assisting and supporting is disregarded when participating in such pattern.


I commit myself to ask myself ‘why do I want to do this?’ when I want to share something I have been told, in order to question my own patterns and thus, deconstruct and change myself instead of perpetuating self-deception. 

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