Ok - Here I am continuing with my previous post Walking Away (Day 130). So, the day after I wrote it, I noticed that I was still reacting within myself. I created many scenarios within my mind, basically expectations about what was going to happen if I get to meet the guys again. Questions such as “Will they be upset? Will they ask me about what happened to me? Was it too evident that I reacted?”, so in that moment I applied self-forgiveness aloud to release all the energy that I was building up through thinking.
Then, what I did was to speak outloud in real time what I would say if I had the chance to talk to the guys about my reaction in order to change. I didn’t do this because I think that I must explain myself in front of them, but basically to take responsibility for my mind. So, as I was speaking I realized that I was being self-honest through explaining to myself what had happened, how the reaction got triggered and I also realized something interesting, which is that I had thoughts, backchats and opinions towards the guys, like those things that exist within your secret mind, those things that you never mention.
So, in that moment I decided to first of all apply self-forgiveness on each of the guys there and this is what I am going to do now. So, the first one in this post is going to be Z, then X and finally Y.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z is someone that as long as there is alcohol, he will be there with you, but if there is no alcohol, he will go home and won’t give a shit about you.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z has tried to manipulate me when it comes to going out together, in order to make the plan go according to his preferences, especially when we go by car.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that Z is someone who pretends to be smart but that actually he is just a stupid kid, without realizing that in doing so I am placing myself in the superior pedestal where I see him as someone inferior and thus, not seeing him as an equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged Z as someone who has no idea about who I am and that he has not realized how ‘important’ and ‘special’ I am, that’s why I reacted when he paused me when I wanted to say goodbye by holding hands the other day, while believing ‘this dude has no idea about with whom he is messing up’ and then I tried to compesate the feeling inferior with just leaving.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to be someone ‘important’ and ‘special’ to the eyes of my ‘friends’, because that would place me in a superior pedestal, without realizing that in doing so, I am looking for control and manipulation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z will act out a type of persona that is pleasant and that says ‘yes’ to all you say, just to get what he wants, without realizing that I do not know this guy that much and that I may be judging him instead of seing him as his genuine expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z is someone who won’t give a shit if you have to waste all of your money when buying something as long as he gets some benefits from it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z is someone who does not understand me when I talk commonsense with him, because I judge his physical expression as ‘distracted’ and as though he was thinking “shut up”, because he does not always provide feedback.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that Z laughs at me behind my back because of the way I am, the things I do and how I behave, because I have sometimes looked at him and he is smiling, kind of laughing, without realizing that in doing this, I am judging myself through taking his laugh personally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that Z talked behind my back after what happened the other day and that he does not realize how he perpetuates what he hates, because he has mentioned that he hates his family dynamics when they all speak behind their backs but later they all hang out pretending everything is cool, which he considers is hypocrite.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine that I talk to Z and I say “I bet you talked behind my back the other day when I left. Don’t you realize that you do the same that you hate from your family? You are not changing anything”, without realizing that I can’t take that for granted and that those are not the best ways to support people to change in case he did/does.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that in the past Z defined me as someone who had lots of money and that that gave him a reason to manipulate me, because he was the guy that knew where all the parties were happening, while I was the stupid one with car and money, kind of paying him as he was my party manager.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that Z told their friends “naa it doesn’t matter, this guy has money, so let’s take advantage of him”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand how the definitions we place upon money define the dynamics within our relationships with other human beings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that having money v/s not having money has affected my relationship with my friends, because when I had money in the past I felt I had power and now as I don’t have money, I feel disempowered, without realizing that money must not be the definition of self-empowerment, but me as who I am as a human being everyday in every moment, with or without money.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become paranoid in relation to my relationship with money, because I have projected all my fears and self-judgments towards other people, instead of realizing that instead of projecting and blaming, I have to deconstruct my own mind consciousness system and thus, I will purify my relationship with others, where instead of projecting and blaming, I will say this is not them, it’s me, I am creating this, I am responsible for what I am thinking, believing and perceiving.
When and as I see myself projecting my fears and self-judgments in relation to money, through thinking that people wants to manipulate me or take advantage of me, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that no one can manipulate me as long as I accept and allow it, therefore, if I am thinking that someone wants to take advantage of me, it’s because I am manipulating myself in that moment and instead of taking responsibility immediately, I am projecting it towards others, because I do not want to have a self-honest look within what I am accepting and allowing myself to be in that moment.
I commit myself to stop projecting my fears and self-judgments towards others.
I commit myself to have a look within myself when I am thinking that others want to take advantage of me or manipulating me, in order to take responsibility for my own mind first instead of immediatelty blaming and projecting.
I commit myself to stop defining my expression based on whether I have money or not and instead, become the same human being as self-honest expression in every moment.
When and as I see myself thinking that other people are the way I believe, I stop and breathe. I realize that I cannot trust my mind, because if I am reacting is because I have accumulated backchats towards them and that there is something that I need to address in relation to my expression here.
I commit myself to have a look at the backchats, thoughts and beliefs I have accumulated towards the people I interact with, in order to stop the self-deception and start seeing human beings instead of judging them.
When and as I see myself feeling manipulated because I perceive that I am following another’s plan instead of mine, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that instead of feeling manipulated and just continue feeling like that I can open up the point through communication without fearing to change the plan, because as long as there is someone that does not fully agree with a specific point, there can be changes in order to make everyone comfortable.
I commit myself to share my perspective when I do not fully agree with something, in order to make a contribution instead of accumulating backchats and then projecting them towards the human beings I interact with in my world.