jueves, 31 de marzo de 2016

Re-Defining Gentle (Day 136)


This post is a continuation of my two previous posts; The Caregiver Archetype and Re-Defining Care. So, here I am going to have a look at the word Gentle that was also a suggestion that emerged within my Kinesiology chat.

First, I am going to write down how I have noticed my expression in relation to other people and then towards myself.

Since two years ago I noticed that the way I treat some people changed, especially when it comes to females. I started developing a personality which I can recognise as the opposite side of the Caregiver Archetype, but in the end...wanting the same, which is feeling good.

This change within the way I express myself could be understood as a defense mechanism which functions in order to hide fear. In other words; part of a suppressed personality that is also linked to the Caregiver personality.

So, within this personality I started disliking the idea of being gentle, as I said before; especially with females, because I judged them as being too girly and blinded with this idea of an ideal man. Therefore, I made part of myself this personality while the backchat that existed behind the belief was “See me as who I really am. I am doing you a favor. See reality. I am not going to attach/adapt myself to your twisted idea that males have to be nice gentlemen with girls. I ain’t no gentleman”.

Something interesting that I noticed through acting this personality is that there were some girls that liked it. They thought I was mysterious and irreverent, like a ‘bad boy’ lol and things like that. So, when having girls interested in this anti-gentle personality, I felt good. Again; linked to the Caregiver personality who wants recognition, because through recognition he feels like being 'cared'.

So, what I am able to notice here is that I have been participating in a polarity, limiting my expression, making my expression a slave to the desire to feel good, through whether being a Caregiver or an anti-gentle being. And beyond that, I have separated this word from me, not living it or applying it within myself.

For instance, earlier I went to the hospital because I needed an appointment. I finished talking to the lady in charge and then I went back to my car. Suddenly a doubt emerged within myself in relation to the information that was given to me. I started saying “but this ladie didn’t specify whether I should do this procedure now or next week when I come back to the appointment”. I judged myself for resisting the idea of going back and ask. I noticed how I began to blush because I thought I was going to look stupid. So I told myself “But you have to just go there asshole!”. I stood up and went there and clarified my doubt, but I noticed that I wasn’t gentle towards myself, because I first judged myself and everytime I judge myself I am not being gentle, plus the way I was talking to myself was tough.

Also, I have noticed that I tend to do my stuff in a sort of rush without giving myself the time to enjoy the moment. For instance when I brush my teeth I do it fast. When I take a shower I do it fast. It’s like I do not enjoy how my body moves, how my hands wash my hair, how the water touches my body, etc.

The same happens when I am driving my car. If I go back to my childhood, I remember that I got fascinated with the idea of driving a car, like it was a fun game. But throughout time, I have noticed that that changed, because I sometimes catch myself going “Fucking truck! Why is he going that slow?”, so instead of being a ride, it turns into a sort of race, a rush. So, I can see that I am not even being gentle with me in how I participate and express myself while being in a car.

So, these are some dimensions where I can identify I am not being gentle with myself and I would like to change this behavior through making the word Gentle an expression of myself from/as/towards myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not lived the word Gentle within myself and instead, lived it outside of myself through a polarity of the Caregiver Archetype when activating the Anti-Gentle personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that whether I participate in the Caregiver Archetype or the Anti-Gentle personality, what I am looking for is the same, which is feeling good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by participating in any personality, I am not giving to myself the chance to live as who I am without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not treat others as I would like to be treated, because when I participate in the Anti-Gentle personality, I am perpetuating self-interest instead of considering everyone as one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel good by treating people through participating whether in the Caregiver Archetype or its opposite which is the Anti-Gentle personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the way I treat others is the way I am treating myself, which is wanting to feel good = self-interest - and not being gentle with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach my reality in a rush instead of enjoying my expression in every moment here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even now that I am writing this, I tend to go fast, instead of enjoying how my fingers push the buttons and becoming aware of the way I am breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to do stuff in a rush, because I approach them as ‘duties’, so I think that the faster I finish the ‘duties’, the more I can ‘enjoy’ myself, without realizing that every moment is here to be enjoyed, it’s only a decision to switch my approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I am in a rush, even the way I treat myself is not supportive, because I talk to myself in a tough way, whether within my mind as thoughts/backchats and/or through the way I move my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be Gentle with myself when I brush my teeth, wash my hair, drive my car, etc, because those have become automated behaviors that function in ‘rush mode’, without realizing that such patterns can be unlearned through starting to live the word Gentle as an expression of myself in every ‘routine’ I do, for instance when brushing my teeth, doing it slowly, being Gentle with my hair when I wash it or even through enjoying the ride when I drive my car, just like when I was a kid and imagined how fascinating driving could be.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself becoming the anti-gentle personality, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am placing the focus on self-interest and that I want to feel good instead of seeing the beings around me as one and equal.

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that in participating in the anti-gentle personality makes me someone interesting, attractive or mysterious to the eyes of other human beings.

I commit myself to treat others as I would like to be treated, which means genuinely and not as a personality.

When and as I see myself being hard on myself through the way I talk to myself when I am not expressing myself effectively, I stop and breathe. I realize that those are perfect moments to place into practical application the word Gentle, because there’s no need to judge myself or talk to me as though I was punishing myself, because that’s not educating self.

I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself making a mistake or not expressing myself effectively, in order to bring myself back here and remind me that I am in a process of unlearning patterns/behaviors and that the best way to do it is through being gentle with my own self-education journey.

When and as I see myself doing ‘routines’ and becoming in ‘rush mode’, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that being in rush mode is the opposite of being Gentle with myself, because in doing so, I am not aware of my expression here, I am not aware of my breathing, I am not aware of how this behavior limits me actually, because if I am not aware of how I breathe, what am I doing? Acting out a program just like a robot.

I commit myself to start living the word Gentle as a genuine expression of myself within the ‘routines’ that I have resisted and always wanted to finish as fast as possible, such as brushing my teeth, washing my hair and driving.

martes, 29 de marzo de 2016

Re-Defining Care (Day 135)


This is a continuation of my Previous Post where I applied self-forgiveness on the backchats I had experienced when participating in the Caregiver personality.

I realized that if the Caregiver cares about others because it uses his ‘good intentions’ to feel good through positive experience, then there is a lack existing within it.

By caring about others, the Caregiver does not care about self, because other people’s interests, wants and needs go first and self ends up being neglected.

So, I can say that I have separated myself when it comes to living the word Care within and as self by leaving my wants and needs aside.

It’s like I have participated in the belief that everyone should care about others, so in caring about others, I care about others and I receive care by others, without considering that one can develop Care as one without expecting it from others.

Okay, so now I am going to write down some self-forgiveness statements in relation to the the separation I have created with the word Care in order to see how I can start living and expressing this word within myself.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have cared about others through believing that in caring about others I was going to receive care.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the word Care is liveable through others, by doing things for others and placing their needs and wants before mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see beyond this belief I have duplicated from previous generations in my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that feeling good when I get recognition by doing things for others = They care about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought that people don’t care about me when I don’t get a positive feeling after I have done something good for them that I previously charged through positive backchats.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have expected to get something in return when in the past I have 'cared' about others through buying things for them or doing them favors.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about my personal process, because I have ignored many points existing within myself that I can take responsibility for, but instead I ended up in self-neglect.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not care about my responsibilities and instead, procrastinate and end up in the perpetuation of patterns that do not support myself as this body within this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no care about my physical body in terms of what I eat/consume, such as food and other substances that do not support my physical body and mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not developed self-care, because I think it is easier to care about others than caring about self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferred the easy way instead of the hard way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the real change happens when one takes the hard way, meaning; walking through that which we resist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have deliberately ignored myself even when I am aware of what’s going on and how I can take responsibility for myself.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself not taking responsibility for myself when I have already become aware of it, I stop and breathe. I realize that in not taking responsibility for myself I am ignoring myself, therefore, I am not caring about myself within this process of self-change and self-empowerment.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am resisting to take care about myself when it comes to taking responsibility for certain points that emerge in my reality, in order to bring myself back here, release the resistance and direct the point whether through writing it or speaking it out loud.

I commit myself to stop ignoring myself when it comes to directing myself into my utmost potential.

When and as I see myself believing that in doing something good for others, people will care about me, I stop and breathe. I realize that what I need is not to expect or receive something in return, but to develop self-care within and as myself.

I commit myself to care about myself first instead of placing other people’s interests and wants before mine.

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that people caring about me = self-care.

When and as I see myself not treating my human physical body well, through the food I eat and substances I consume, I stop and breathe. I realize that care is not only about the mind system, but also about how my physical body as my vehicle in this reality functions.

I commit myself to stop the self-abuse when it comes to consuming too much food/substances that do not support my physical body as this only vehicle that I have to create change in this physical reality.

jueves, 24 de marzo de 2016

The Caregiver Archetype (Day 134)


After having a Kinesiology session through muscle testing, I was suggested to have a look at The Caregiver Archetype existing within myself, which is the one who extends care to others to feel good about self, the one that wants recognition and wants to feel needed by others. This archetype also feels better, more equipped and stronger than others when in fact, it is a polarity manifestation which starting point is the suppression of emotions, such as helplessness and powerlessness.

This suppression has manifested physically through pimples on my face, because as the caregiver wants recognition, which is a way it has used to define self-value – when it does not get it, anger ignites within it and so, the pimples that have appeared on my face are the physically manifested consequences.

What was also shown to me through this session was that the caregiver’s traits came from a generational personality through my mother’s lineage, meaning: my grandmother and even 7 generations before me. So, when I was in my mother’s womb, I decided to go with this personality traits.

As far as I know, my grandmother had a tough life, having 9 children, one of them died and she was immersed in physical violence by his husband, but she kind of decided to continue with that for many years because of their children. And this was so because of the perception that being benevolent makes you be closer to ‘god’.

This information was cross-referenced with my mom and this is also a personality that my mom and I have copied from previous generations. It is like ‘I will sacrifice myself, because I don’t matter. The people around me is more important. I am going to sacrifice myself for them, so in being benevolent, people will think I am a good person’, which is quite manipulative.

The problem that I see through having copied this personality is that I have neglected myself, I have not lived the word Care towards myself. I have ignored my own wants and needs, because of believing that people care about me when they say good things about me, when I get the recognition.

This personality has also influenced my goals, because as I prefer doing things for others, my goals are being ignored. In other words; I have cared about others as an excuse to not care about myself.

So, there are some points to address within this personality. The first one is to have a look at the positively charged backchats when I activate the caregiver archetype when I am going to do things for others, which means real time change. And the second one is to redefine three words, which are: Care, Gentle and Resilient.

So, within this post I am going to start with the backchats that I have experienced so far when caring about others and then I am going to apply self-forgiveness on them to slowly but surely deprogram myself from this copied personality.

Backchats:

- If I do this for them, even if it compromises me, it doesn’t matter, because I am doing something good and I can receive it back when I need it.

- They will love me for doing this for them.

- I am sure I will be recognised by doing this.

- I will be remembered as a good person who cares about others.

- Even though I am currently unemployed and have no money, I can be better than those who have money, because I can do good things for everyone.

- They will talk good things about me behind my back.

- They will want to be like me.

- I don’t care if I don’t have money, because my value is in doing good things for others.

- If I do this, I will become a more human person.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat “If I do this for them, even if it compromises me, it doesn’t matter, because I am doing something good and I can receive it back when I need it” to exist within and as myself, without seeing, realizing and understanding that in doing so, what I am giving is not unconditional, because I am giving while expecting to have it in return, just like a relationship between banks and people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in caring/giving while expecting something in return, creates my own experience of anger and frustration, because if I don’t get what I have positevily established as my starting point towards caring/giving to others, then I will experience the negative, which is anger and frustration and negative backchats that will later may become a new personality that will activate when communicating/interacting with those who didn’t attached to my expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat “They will love me for doing this for them” to exist within and as myself, without seeing, realizing and understanding that  in doing so, I am defining my own self-value as being recognised by others, instead of self-honestly focusing on my own wants and needs to develop self-empowerment without depending on what other people think of me and how they may perceive me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have trusted perception as a method to define myself, because I have created perceptions about people’s behavior towards myself and thus, I want them to perceive me in a certain way that defines me as good.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted to be perceived by other people as someone good that cares about others, without seeing, realizing and understanding that in doing so, the caregiver archetype feeds itself off to be able to continue existing as a duplicated personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat “I am sure I will be recognised by doing this” to exist within and as myself, without seeing, realizing and understanding that recognition is not what I need to develop who I am, because recognition is only how others perceive what I do - and how I perceive recognition is only a programmed personality that does not support me, because intead of living care as one within myself, I give myself away to others, because I perceive it as benevolent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that being benevolent is a step to change the world, wihout realizing that what this world needs is not a benevolent personality, because personalities exist of polarized energy that is not physically lived unconditionally, because it defines self according to that and expects something in return, such as recognition, god, heaven, etc - just like the caregiver archetype that when it does not get his recognition, reacts emotionally because things aren’t going according to his programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat “I will be remembered as a good person who cares about others”, without seeing, realizing and understanding that someone who wants to be remembered as a good person is someone that care about others only as manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that every time I care about others as the caregiver personality I am manipulating the people in my environment, because I am caring and doing things for others to feel good, therefore; my payment in return is the ‘feeling good’ experience, without realizing that in expressing myself in order to get a feeling, I am not living the expression unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat “Even though I am currently unemployed and have no money, I can be better than those who have money, because I can do good things for everyone” to exist within and as myself, without realizing that in doing this, I am using a ‘good action’ to feel superior/better than others, therefore, an ego manifestation that does not see human beings as equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used the caregive personality as a weapon to suppress my own helplessness and powerlessness, because I have wanted to compensate those emotions through being ‘good’ and then comparing myself with others in order to give myself value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat “They will talk good things about me behind my back” to exist within and as myself, without realizing that in wanting others to say good things about me behind my back is a projection and expectation of the conditions the caregive personality has to perpetuate its existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what others say about me, without realizing that in doing so, the caregiver personality wants control through manipulating what people say as a virus that through a good action gets installed in other beings’ mind systems in order to spread/propagate and feed off from more recognition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat “They will want to be like me” to exist within and as myself, without seeing and realizing that I wouldn’t really want people to be a personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat “I don’t care if I don’t have money, because my value is in doing good things for others” to exist within and as myself, without seeing and realizing that doing things for others as a personality has no real value within myself, because it is only a ‘feeling good’ experience instead of a principle that I have developed within myself in self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the backchat “If I do this, I will become a more human person” to exist within and as myself, without seeing and realizing that in acting out the caregiver personality, I am in fact being less than a human, because it is a copied persona that was programmed just like a computer that only wants to feel good, which is self-interest.

Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself having positevily charged backchats when I am activiating the caregiver personality, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that my starting point towards helping others or doing things for others or caring about others is based on self-interest, because I want to feel good through the recognition people will manifest towards me, which gaves me the wrong idea of ‘self-value’.

I commit myself stop the participation in the caregiver personality through stopping and breathing when I am experiencing positively charged backchats within my mind, in order to approach the moment in a commonsensical way instead of doing it through expecting recognition.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that self-value is about how other people perceive what I do, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that self-value is about caring about myself first, caring about how I am expressing myself and living, not about how I feel through perception when people say good things about me.

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that self-value is about people giving me recognition.

I commit myself to give myself value through caring about my own needs and wants first from a self-honest stance, always looking for what is good for me and best for all as one and equal.

When and as I see myself feeling good after I have helped someone or done something for someone, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that the feeling is indicating that the caregiver personality is there feeding off the energy.


I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am feeling good when I have helped someone or have done something for someone, so as to release the energy and thus, slowly but surely deprogram myself from this archetype and start developing myself as the best I can be as real and unconditional support.

martes, 1 de marzo de 2016

My Unemployed Experience (Day 133)


After getting unemployed last year I noticed how my world became sort of ‘reduced’, meaning, I was used to interact with lots of people every day and suddenly, it was only my family and friends, which is not something ‘bad’ in any way, by the way.

Something changed within myself in terms of self-empowerment, because when I interacted with lots of people, such as students, bosses, colleagues, parents, etc, etc I knew how to handle different situations that emerged on a daily basis. Let’s say that I was empowered. Like when you feel that you can do anything you want, like there’s no boundaries.

Now I see that a big part of what constituted that empowerment, besides being active in real time through having a job, was the fact that I was in a ‘good social position’ within this system. I mean, I started working in that school as a substitute teacher, then they hired me, then they made me the main teacher of a class, then they made me the sort of manager of the English department.

I also noticed that I had this self-judgment that I look too young. I am 30 but people think I am like 20-22. Which is a genetic thing from my family lineage so to speak. My mom looks younger, my sisters look younger, etc. And – I have realized that people treat you the way you look, based on your physical appereance. Therefore, to me it was cool to see how people reacted towards me when realizing that this ‘kid’ was someone ‘important’. Like this internal chat of “there you go, bastards”.

So – after I got unemployed I kind of lost all of that, which is something stupid, because I might have lost my job, but self-empowerment should still be here within myself as something that I live everyday.

Another point of change was money. All my money is gone now and I have noticed how this has influenced my relationship with people, especially with my friends. I have come to believe that ‘frienship has a price’, because if you don’t have money to go out, buy beers, drugs, etc, then you will be seen as someone who wants to 'take advantage'. And this is something that I thought about others in the past when I noticed that there were guys always asking me for cigarettes, or when the guys that rarely contributed with money to buy a bottle of wine for instance drank more than the guys that contributed with money. So, within myself there is also this rejection towards being seen as such. And then I go thinking “I used to invite you in the past, so now it’s your turn” and I feel that I may be very manipulative within this point. It’s not that I am going to verbalize that in front of my friends, but the way I move the threads it’s kind of similar.

So – going back to the point of having a ‘social value’ to the eyes of the system, I think that people don’t see me as who I am, as my real self, because they judge me. For instance,  I don’t have my position as a manager of the English department anymore, therefore, people don’t know who I am at first sight. They see me just like an ordinary young man. Or at least that’s what I have projected towards them. Because when I have had the chance to go to job interviews I kind of see what they are ‘seeing’ / judging in me. From the clothes I wear, the things that I speak, the way that I speak and I place myself in this superior pedestal, because I perceive that ‘I know that they think they know when actually they don’t really know’. So, in doing this, my body language may change and they might not just like me, that’s why they haven’t called me to work in their schools. I don’t really know.

Another point is that through studying the Desteni material, I have become aware of my reactions. Not fully, but if I don’t do it in the moment, I do it later in order to deconstruct the whole scenario. So, when it comes to interacting with other people, for instance bosses or ‘people in charge’, I notice when they react and even though I try to be stable, impotence starts building up within myself, which is an emotion, which means that I respond back to their reaction by feeling this way. And what I would like to do in those moments is to put them to deconstruct themselves, which is impossible, because I cannot force them.

I have also noticed that I reject the way this system is built. I see the world as a fake creation. I only see characters, people acting, people performing the happy life. People persuing what they have defined as ‘happiness’ when actually, when they get to their ‘happy ending’, they realize that there’s no ending and that ‘happiness’ was not what they believed and it’s too late. I kind of reject participating in this system. I have judged myself, because I see no value within myself, but then I stop myself and I start having a look within myself and I see lots of potential, I do many things that unfortunatelly don’t provide an income. I love playing the guitar, I love writing, reading, talking with my friends and I think ‘Man, I deserve more than this. This system does not support my genuine expression of life’. Why there must be someone meassuring me through the way I look, how I speak, etc? Because there’s an individual/entity that says “ok, this citizen is doing it, let’s pay him’. I mean, I don’t want to be meassured by your standards. Why should I?

So, there I go again. I understand that most of what exists within myself is a consequence of how the system functions nowadays and I realize that hey! I am also part of that system. I see a huge responsibility when it comes to be someone who is ‘out of the matrix’ so to speak, when having to deal with people who IS in the matrix. It is a responsibility in terms of avoiding to place oneself in the superior pedestal and to instead support them as I would like to be supported in case I am to mess it up - I realize that being empowered is in most part, being humble.

I am aware that I am in a stage where ‘the moment is now!’ and my mind tends to give the first step forward and I get seduced by it for a while, until I stop it. I see the moment is now, and then I go again perpetuating the loop = I see no value within myself, I stop myself, I say “I do this and that. This system is not for me’, but I remain the same.

I realize that this moment is about standing up. But not ‘standing up’ as probably you understand it. I see it as making self-commitments and living them. Commiting myself to self-change. But, then I see that I full myself with excuses and justifications and that there are many boundaries that I honestly kind of like that they exist because they keep me in my comfort zone. I sometimes even think that I am too relaxed, but I realize that being stressed is not the key. So, this places me in the middle of the polarity, just stuck while looking how the negative and the positive function, while I go in circles.

Well, what else can I share? I have spent a whole year without having an ‘official job’. You know, I always thought “I wish I had more vacation”. I was 3 years old when I was sent to school for the first time.Imagine all these years immersed in the educational system, then having a job as a teacher, so after getting unemployed, I thought “A year out of the system is enough”. Of course I was 50% ‘worried’ about getting a new job and 50% ‘not worried’ about getting a job lol. 

I can say that when you work in the system there are moments where you feel stressed, that the machine is going too fast and we have to move our butts faster and then phew! We made it!. So, this whole year being out of the system has given me a different perspective, especially in relation to time.

For instance, what takes me 1 day in the system in terms of doing stuff or directing points, while being out of the system may take me 1 month. Why? Because you are not worried or pushed to accomplish certain goals for your bosses. So, I can spend 2 weeks only reading, writing, watching documentaries and playing the guitar, because there’s no one there meassuring me, because I was not participating in the job system.

I also have/had a different perception of time when it comes to reunions with ex colleagues and when we meet they go like "Heeeey how have you beeeeen? It's been a loooong time!" and they hug me and those things, because they hadn't seen me in two months, while within myself I am like "To me it's been just like 2 weeks" lol.

Of course I was able to do this because I had some money saved and I live with my parents and I don’t have any children. In other words, I only have to take care of myself so to speak.


I will continue...