My Unemployed Experience (Day 133)

After getting unemployed last year I noticed how my world became sort of ‘reduced’, meaning, I was used to interact with lots of people every day and suddenly, it was only my family and friends, which is not something ‘bad’ in any way, by the way.

Something changed within myself in terms of self-empowerment, because when I interacted with lots of people, such as students, bosses, colleagues, parents, etc, etc I knew how to handle different situations that emerged on a daily basis. Let’s say that I was empowered. Like when you feel that you can do anything you want, like there’s no boundaries.

Now I see that a big part of what constituted that empowerment, besides being active in real time through having a job, was the fact that I was in a ‘good social position’ within this system. I mean, I started working in that school as a substitute teacher, then they hired me, then they made me the main teacher of a class, then they made me the sort of manager of the English department.

I also noticed that I had this self-judgment that I look too young. I am 30 but people think I am like 20-22. Which is a genetic thing from my family lineage so to speak. My mom looks younger, my sisters look younger, etc. And – I have realized that people treat you the way you look, based on your physical appereance. Therefore, to me it was cool to see how people reacted towards me when realizing that this ‘kid’ was someone ‘important’. Like this internal chat of “there you go, bastards”.

So – after I got unemployed I kind of lost all of that, which is something stupid, because I might have lost my job, but self-empowerment should still be here within myself as something that I live everyday.

Another point of change was money. All my money is gone now and I have noticed how this has influenced my relationship with people, especially with my friends. I have come to believe that ‘frienship has a price’, because if you don’t have money to go out, buy beers, drugs, etc, then you will be seen as someone who wants to 'take advantage'. And this is something that I thought about others in the past when I noticed that there were guys always asking me for cigarettes, or when the guys that rarely contributed with money to buy a bottle of wine for instance drank more than the guys that contributed with money. So, within myself there is also this rejection towards being seen as such. And then I go thinking “I used to invite you in the past, so now it’s your turn” and I feel that I may be very manipulative within this point. It’s not that I am going to verbalize that in front of my friends, but the way I move the threads it’s kind of similar.

So – going back to the point of having a ‘social value’ to the eyes of the system, I think that people don’t see me as who I am, as my real self, because they judge me. For instance,  I don’t have my position as a manager of the English department anymore, therefore, people don’t know who I am at first sight. They see me just like an ordinary young man. Or at least that’s what I have projected towards them. Because when I have had the chance to go to job interviews I kind of see what they are ‘seeing’ / judging in me. From the clothes I wear, the things that I speak, the way that I speak and I place myself in this superior pedestal, because I perceive that ‘I know that they think they know when actually they don’t really know’. So, in doing this, my body language may change and they might not just like me, that’s why they haven’t called me to work in their schools. I don’t really know.

Another point is that through studying the Desteni material, I have become aware of my reactions. Not fully, but if I don’t do it in the moment, I do it later in order to deconstruct the whole scenario. So, when it comes to interacting with other people, for instance bosses or ‘people in charge’, I notice when they react and even though I try to be stable, impotence starts building up within myself, which is an emotion, which means that I respond back to their reaction by feeling this way. And what I would like to do in those moments is to put them to deconstruct themselves, which is impossible, because I cannot force them.

I have also noticed that I reject the way this system is built. I see the world as a fake creation. I only see characters, people acting, people performing the happy life. People persuing what they have defined as ‘happiness’ when actually, when they get to their ‘happy ending’, they realize that there’s no ending and that ‘happiness’ was not what they believed and it’s too late. I kind of reject participating in this system. I have judged myself, because I see no value within myself, but then I stop myself and I start having a look within myself and I see lots of potential, I do many things that unfortunatelly don’t provide an income. I love playing the guitar, I love writing, reading, talking with my friends and I think ‘Man, I deserve more than this. This system does not support my genuine expression of life’. Why there must be someone meassuring me through the way I look, how I speak, etc? Because there’s an individual/entity that says “ok, this citizen is doing it, let’s pay him’. I mean, I don’t want to be meassured by your standards. Why should I?

So, there I go again. I understand that most of what exists within myself is a consequence of how the system functions nowadays and I realize that hey! I am also part of that system. I see a huge responsibility when it comes to be someone who is ‘out of the matrix’ so to speak, when having to deal with people who IS in the matrix. It is a responsibility in terms of avoiding to place oneself in the superior pedestal and to instead support them as I would like to be supported in case I am to mess it up - I realize that being empowered is in most part, being humble.

I am aware that I am in a stage where ‘the moment is now!’ and my mind tends to give the first step forward and I get seduced by it for a while, until I stop it. I see the moment is now, and then I go again perpetuating the loop = I see no value within myself, I stop myself, I say “I do this and that. This system is not for me’, but I remain the same.

I realize that this moment is about standing up. But not ‘standing up’ as probably you understand it. I see it as making self-commitments and living them. Commiting myself to self-change. But, then I see that I full myself with excuses and justifications and that there are many boundaries that I honestly kind of like that they exist because they keep me in my comfort zone. I sometimes even think that I am too relaxed, but I realize that being stressed is not the key. So, this places me in the middle of the polarity, just stuck while looking how the negative and the positive function, while I go in circles.

Well, what else can I share? I have spent a whole year without having an ‘official job’. You know, I always thought “I wish I had more vacation”. I was 3 years old when I was sent to school for the first time.Imagine all these years immersed in the educational system, then having a job as a teacher, so after getting unemployed, I thought “A year out of the system is enough”. Of course I was 50% ‘worried’ about getting a new job and 50% ‘not worried’ about getting a job lol. 

I can say that when you work in the system there are moments where you feel stressed, that the machine is going too fast and we have to move our butts faster and then phew! We made it!. So, this whole year being out of the system has given me a different perspective, especially in relation to time.

For instance, what takes me 1 day in the system in terms of doing stuff or directing points, while being out of the system may take me 1 month. Why? Because you are not worried or pushed to accomplish certain goals for your bosses. So, I can spend 2 weeks only reading, writing, watching documentaries and playing the guitar, because there’s no one there meassuring me, because I was not participating in the job system.

I also have/had a different perception of time when it comes to reunions with ex colleagues and when we meet they go like "Heeeey how have you beeeeen? It's been a loooong time!" and they hug me and those things, because they hadn't seen me in two months, while within myself I am like "To me it's been just like 2 weeks" lol.

Of course I was able to do this because I had some money saved and I live with my parents and I don’t have any children. In other words, I only have to take care of myself so to speak.

I will continue...