This post is a continuation of my two previous posts; The Caregiver Archetype and Re-Defining Care. So, here I am going to have a look at the word Gentle that was also a suggestion that emerged within my Kinesiology chat.
First, I am going to write down how I have noticed my expression in relation to other people and then towards myself.
Since two years ago I noticed that the way I treat some people changed, especially when it comes to females. I started developing a personality which I can recognise as the opposite side of the Caregiver Archetype, but in the end...wanting the same, which is feeling good.
This change within the way I express myself could be understood as a defense mechanism which functions in order to hide fear. In other words; part of a suppressed personality that is also linked to the Caregiver personality.
So, within this personality I started disliking the idea of being gentle, as I said before; especially with females, because I judged them as being too girly and blinded with this idea of an ideal man. Therefore, I made part of myself this personality while the backchat that existed behind the belief was “See me as who I really am. I am doing you a favor. See reality. I am not going to attach/adapt myself to your twisted idea that males have to be nice gentlemen with girls. I ain’t no gentleman”.
Something interesting that I noticed through acting this personality is that there were some girls that liked it. They thought I was mysterious and irreverent, like a ‘bad boy’ lol and things like that. So, when having girls interested in this anti-gentle personality, I felt good. Again; linked to the Caregiver personality who wants recognition, because through recognition he feels like being 'cared'.
So, what I am able to notice here is that I have been participating in a polarity, limiting my expression, making my expression a slave to the desire to feel good, through whether being a Caregiver or an anti-gentle being. And beyond that, I have separated this word from me, not living it or applying it within myself.
For instance, earlier I went to the hospital because I needed an appointment. I finished talking to the lady in charge and then I went back to my car. Suddenly a doubt emerged within myself in relation to the information that was given to me. I started saying “but this ladie didn’t specify whether I should do this procedure now or next week when I come back to the appointment”. I judged myself for resisting the idea of going back and ask. I noticed how I began to blush because I thought I was going to look stupid. So I told myself “But you have to just go there asshole!”. I stood up and went there and clarified my doubt, but I noticed that I wasn’t gentle towards myself, because I first judged myself and everytime I judge myself I am not being gentle, plus the way I was talking to myself was tough.
Also, I have noticed that I tend to do my stuff in a sort of rush without giving myself the time to enjoy the moment. For instance when I brush my teeth I do it fast. When I take a shower I do it fast. It’s like I do not enjoy how my body moves, how my hands wash my hair, how the water touches my body, etc.
The same happens when I am driving my car. If I go back to my childhood, I remember that I got fascinated with the idea of driving a car, like it was a fun game. But throughout time, I have noticed that that changed, because I sometimes catch myself going “Fucking truck! Why is he going that slow?”, so instead of being a ride, it turns into a sort of race, a rush. So, I can see that I am not even being gentle with me in how I participate and express myself while being in a car.
So, these are some dimensions where I can identify I am not being gentle with myself and I would like to change this behavior through making the word Gentle an expression of myself from/as/towards myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not lived the word Gentle within myself and instead, lived it outside of myself through a polarity of the Caregiver Archetype when activating the Anti-Gentle personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that whether I participate in the Caregiver Archetype or the Anti-Gentle personality, what I am looking for is the same, which is feeling good.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by participating in any personality, I am not giving to myself the chance to live as who I am without fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not treat others as I would like to be treated, because when I participate in the Anti-Gentle personality, I am perpetuating self-interest instead of considering everyone as one and equal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to feel good by treating people through participating whether in the Caregiver Archetype or its opposite which is the Anti-Gentle personality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the way I treat others is the way I am treating myself, which is wanting to feel good = self-interest - and not being gentle with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach my reality in a rush instead of enjoying my expression in every moment here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even now that I am writing this, I tend to go fast, instead of enjoying how my fingers push the buttons and becoming aware of the way I am breathing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have to do stuff in a rush, because I approach them as ‘duties’, so I think that the faster I finish the ‘duties’, the more I can ‘enjoy’ myself, without realizing that every moment is here to be enjoyed, it’s only a decision to switch my approach.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that when I am in a rush, even the way I treat myself is not supportive, because I talk to myself in a tough way, whether within my mind as thoughts/backchats and/or through the way I move my body.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be Gentle with myself when I brush my teeth, wash my hair, drive my car, etc, because those have become automated behaviors that function in ‘rush mode’, without realizing that such patterns can be unlearned through starting to live the word Gentle as an expression of myself in every ‘routine’ I do, for instance when brushing my teeth, doing it slowly, being Gentle with my hair when I wash it or even through enjoying the ride when I drive my car, just like when I was a kid and imagined how fascinating driving could be.
When and as I see myself becoming the anti-gentle personality, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am placing the focus on self-interest and that I want to feel good instead of seeing the beings around me as one and equal.
I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that in participating in the anti-gentle personality makes me someone interesting, attractive or mysterious to the eyes of other human beings.
I commit myself to treat others as I would like to be treated, which means genuinely and not as a personality.
When and as I see myself being hard on myself through the way I talk to myself when I am not expressing myself effectively, I stop and breathe. I realize that those are perfect moments to place into practical application the word Gentle, because there’s no need to judge myself or talk to me as though I was punishing myself, because that’s not educating self.
I commit to stop and breathe when and as I see myself making a mistake or not expressing myself effectively, in order to bring myself back here and remind me that I am in a process of unlearning patterns/behaviors and that the best way to do it is through being gentle with my own self-education journey.
When and as I see myself doing ‘routines’ and becoming in ‘rush mode’, I stop and breathe. I see, realize and understand that being in rush mode is the opposite of being Gentle with myself, because in doing so, I am not aware of my expression here, I am not aware of my breathing, I am not aware of how this behavior limits me actually, because if I am not aware of how I breathe, what am I doing? Acting out a program just like a robot.
I commit myself to start living the word Gentle as a genuine expression of myself within the ‘routines’ that I have resisted and always wanted to finish as fast as possible, such as brushing my teeth, washing my hair and driving.