martes, 31 de mayo de 2016

The Process of Stopping Addictions (Day 140)

Earlier, I was listening to a guy on the radio talking about quitting smoking cigarettes and I remembered that it’s been a year without smoking cigarettes. I decided to quit smoking in May last year. You can read my previous posts for more context:

Stop Smoking (Day 84)
Part II: Stop Smoking (Day 86)
Part III: Stop Smoking (Day 89)

This guy said that even though you can quit smoking for 1 or 2 or even 3 years, in one moment you can be back to the habit again and even to smoke the same amount of cigarettes you used to before quitting and that the decision to quit was a day to day decision. I agreed with his perspective.

If you ask me if I have felt a desire to smoke again, I would say yes, there have been moments where I would like to give it a try again. But, in such moments I realize that I am experiencing anxiety. It’s like wanting to have my hands and mouth busy with something. But instead of placing something in my mouth, I’d rather investigate what’s causing that emotion, because if you simply succumb to the habit, you are not solving anything, but keeping the cycle within its functioning.

Besides quitting cigarettes, it’s been a month without drinking alcohol. And here there is an interesting point I would like to share. When I quit smoking cigarettes, I started drinking more. When I say ‘more’ it’s not necessarily in relation to the amount of alcohol I consumed at once, but how often I would do it.

Within one of my previous posts about quitting cigarettes, I mentioned that sometimes you smoke and you are not even aware that you are doing it. It’s like smoking becomes automated. Well, and the same happens with alcohol hey! I sometimes was so engaged in the energetic experience that I was building up through and from such ‘interesting conversations’ that I was more focused on feeding that energy than what I was physically doing with my hands, which was holding a plastic cup that I continuously placed in my mouth until I became completely drowsy like a zombie or bio-robot that repeats its pre-programmed patterns over and over again.

I don’t know how it works for other people, but I never really liked alcohol. For instance, I like chocolate milk, I like yogurt, natural juice – those have a nice taste to me, but alcohol does not taste delicious as food does lol. So, I was basically drinking because I had my hands and mouth so programmed with the smoking habit, that I just replaced cigarettes for alcohol. And it’s not something that I didn’t see coming. I knew that that could happen and it did.

For those who still smoke cigarettes; do you smoke every cigarette with full awareness? Are you aware that your hand is holding a cigarette? Are you aware of every puff; how you breathe in the smoke, how you hold it within and how you release it in every single puff? I don’t think so. We are not even aware of how our minds run when we do the simple act of taking a shower.

So – this process of stopping addictions is of great support in terms of giving ourselves the opportunity to walk in real time the realization of how programmed we are, to realize the enslavement we have created through our own 'free choices'.

Besides that, through challenging my own addictions, it was something that I would share with some friends and that also encouraged them to do the same. And then we would share how we walked a similar process in order to cross-reference the challenge and the dimensions that opened up. To me those are real friends; the ones who challenge you/themselves, not the ones that always say yes in order to tacitly support the self-deception and self-dishonesty existing within everyone.  

jueves, 19 de mayo de 2016

Emotional Interpretations (Day 139)

So, here I am continuing with my previous post. Now I - through self forgiveness - will take responsibility for how I interpreted my friend’s words and behavior last week.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X wanted to manipulate me through his expression by judging him as though he approached me from an energetic experience in order to touch my feelings so I could approve/accept/validate his perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that interpretation is created within oneself when one reacts to the words/behavior that another person is expressing through shifting into one’s mind and connecting the words/behavior to the information and data that is stored there from the past, which creates separation, because in that moment one is not seeing/hearing the other person on an equal level in order to really understand their point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that emotional interpretations are caused by fear. The fear of not wanting to face what one is seeing/hearing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that through interpretation I was blaming X as though he was trying to manipulate me to feel what he was feeling, in order to approve and validate his perspective, without realizing that the only manipulation that was taking place in that moment was my own, because I couldn’t even see how fast the mind channelled X’s words/behaviour into an emotional reaction and I just simply ended up thinking, believing and perceiving that my interpretation was absolutely accurate, without being able to see/hear X from an equal level beyond my own mind consciousness system's limitations to really understand the point he wanted to share

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the emotional approach from the past in relation to my communication with X was created within myself, but instead of taking responsibility for that through a self-honest assessment where I would introspect/investigate what happened within myself in that moment in order to correct myself, I immediately blamed X as though he was responsible for creating that emotional reaction within myself through the words and the content he was sharing with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not pierce the veil of interpretation so as to see beyond the mind’s limitations and thus, to face the fear of what is being shared/said by other people in my external world so I can transcend such points and be able to establish an effective communication/understanding from an equal level.

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself interpreting that I am being manipulated or influenced by another person’s behavior or emotional experiences because emotions/feelings start building up within myself while listening to them, I stop and breathe. I realize that the emotions are being activated within and from myself, therefore, the other person is not to blame.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when emotions/feelings start building up within myself when listening to another person’s words in order to make sure I am physically here to stop my mind from jumping in faster than my awareness.

When and as I see myself interpreting that I am being manipulated by another person and then I end up blaming them as though they were trying to make me feel/sense the same experience they are possessed by, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am channelling their words and behavior into an emotional interpretation which is indicating that there are certain points that I am fearing to face.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am participating in an emotional interpretation so as to bring myself back here and be able to self-honestly introspect/investigate what is it that that I am refusing to face so I can transcend it and thus, enhance my communication skills with the people in my external world from an equal level. 

lunes, 16 de mayo de 2016

Alcohol & Friendship (Day 138)

Last week I was in X’s house with other friends and suddenly he sat in front of me and started sharing his experience as a new dad. I had this perception that he was sharing himself from an energetic experience and that he somehow wanted me to feel the same thing he was feeling.

I remember that it’s not the first time that I have this impression towards him, because we have had more ‘intimate’ moments in the past where we have shared ‘personal issues’ and have been there for each other and things like that.

What he was trying to say to me that day was how he has been digesting the whole process of becoming a father. He said “my girlfriend is the mother of my daughter” and emphasized the ‘mother figure’ by saying that his girlfriend is a mother and that somehow his girlfriend is his mother as well, but from the perspective that he is with a mother and that he understands how important mothers are in children’s lives – well, something like that lol

So, now that I see it, he was trying to place me in his context for me to be able to visualize how reality looks to him more or less, but as I through my perception judged him, because I perceived that he was trying to manipulate me emotionally, I didn’t pay much attention to him. Then I changed topic and as it was a bit late I left.

This didn’t happen in a rude manner, although in that moment I had this backchat of “why is he telling me this through that energetic experience? Does he want me to be involved in his feelings, thoughts and beliefs?”.

I remember that once we were both drunk in my car and X told me that he used to look for my validation, that he tried to be accepted by me and that every effort he made didn’t count. That time, I told him all the aspects I could see that were cool within himself and some others that required more consistency according to my perspective and he agreed. But after that, I noticed that I was participating in an emotional reaction. Not crying but about to do it.

That’s why this time I kind of disregarded what he said. I thought “he has just come to me in that similar stance looking for validation through trying to touch to my feelings” and as that night I wasn’t drinking alcohol (and he was), I judged his expression because it didn’t touch me as it did in the past.

I felt a bit sad after that night, because I thought “damn, probably he needed someone to talk to and I just left”. Although, I simultaneously asked myself “Why can’t he open up such points without alcohol?”.

And this is something I have always disliked from drunk people. I have realized that drunk people tend to become very Emotional – which leads to manipulation - Violent – when you take that stance of “I don’t give a shit” and unconsciously start speaking louder - or Horny – when there are females around and you want to have sex with them.

Many things that human beings speak or plan when being drunk end up becoming nothing. I noticed that within last year as I gradually started drinking alcohol more frequently. And I am glad that during that period I could still focus on my breathing and have insights while being drunk. But there were other aspects that I couldn’t manage, such as driving my car well or moving my physical body effectively.

There were days that I said to myself “I am not going to drink alcohol today” and I didn’t drink. But, most of the times while singing and playing the guitar I got thirsty, so I drank a beer and then another one and another one and then some wine and etc – until I ended up wasted.

The last time I drank alcohol was 3 weeks ago and I have been invited to drink but I trust my body and my body does not want that. Actually the last times I drank, my body did not react really well. So, I am quitting alcohol.

Ok, this post wasn’t supposed to be about alcohol lol, but about my perception/judgment towards my friend that night. Anyways, this is all connected, because it happened within the same environment.

Self-Forgiveness on my next post