lunes, 16 de mayo de 2016

Alcohol & Friendship (Day 138)


Last week I was in X’s house with other friends and suddenly he sat in front of me and started sharing his experience as a new dad. I had this perception that he was sharing himself from an energetic experience and that he somehow wanted me to feel the same thing he was feeling.

I remember that it’s not the first time that I have this impression towards him, because we have had more ‘intimate’ moments in the past where we have shared ‘personal issues’ and have been there for each other and things like that.

What he was trying to say to me that day was how he has been digesting the whole process of becoming a father. He said “my girlfriend is the mother of my daughter” and emphasized the ‘mother figure’ by saying that his girlfriend is a mother and that somehow his girlfriend is his mother as well, but from the perspective that he is with a mother and that he understands how important mothers are in children’s lives – well, something like that lol

So, now that I see it, he was trying to place me in his context for me to be able to visualize how reality looks to him more or less, but as I through my perception judged him, because I perceived that he was trying to manipulate me emotionally, I didn’t pay much attention to him. Then I changed topic and as it was a bit late I left.

This didn’t happen in a rude manner, although in that moment I had this backchat of “why is he telling me this through that energetic experience? Does he want me to be involved in his feelings, thoughts and beliefs?”.

I remember that once we were both drunk in my car and X told me that he used to look for my validation, that he tried to be accepted by me and that every effort he made didn’t count. That time, I told him all the aspects I could see that were cool within himself and some others that required more consistency according to my perspective and he agreed. But after that, I noticed that I was participating in an emotional reaction. Not crying but about to do it.

That’s why this time I kind of disregarded what he said. I thought “he has just come to me in that similar stance looking for validation through trying to touch to my feelings” and as that night I wasn’t drinking alcohol (and he was), I judged his expression because it didn’t touch me as it did in the past.

I felt a bit sad after that night, because I thought “damn, probably he needed someone to talk to and I just left”. Although, I simultaneously asked myself “Why can’t he open up such points without alcohol?”.

And this is something I have always disliked from drunk people. I have realized that drunk people tend to become very Emotional – which leads to manipulation - Violent – when you take that stance of “I don’t give a shit” and unconsciously start speaking louder - or Horny – when there are females around and you want to have sex with them.

Many things that human beings speak or plan when being drunk end up becoming nothing. I noticed that within last year as I gradually started drinking alcohol more frequently. And I am glad that during that period I could still focus on my breathing and have insights while being drunk. But there were other aspects that I couldn’t manage, such as driving my car well or moving my physical body effectively.

There were days that I said to myself “I am not going to drink alcohol today” and I didn’t drink. But, most of the times while singing and playing the guitar I got thirsty, so I drank a beer and then another one and another one and then some wine and etc – until I ended up wasted.

The last time I drank alcohol was 3 weeks ago and I have been invited to drink but I trust my body and my body does not want that. Actually the last times I drank, my body did not react really well. So, I am quitting alcohol.

Ok, this post wasn’t supposed to be about alcohol lol, but about my perception/judgment towards my friend that night. Anyways, this is all connected, because it happened within the same environment.


Self-Forgiveness on my next post

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