jueves, 30 de junio de 2016

Reactions While Watching a Soccer Match (Day 144)


Last Sunday I was watching a soccer match where the Chilean team was playing a final match vs Argentina in order to win a cup.

To be honest I have never been into sports or watching sports, but as for many people a soccer match = meeting up, I have ended up watching the soccer matches through meeting up in such moments with my friends.

The people I usually meet to watch the soccer matches are very loud. It’s like they take it too serious and they are very involved with the match and everything around it.

Anyways, the match started and I realized I was quite stable within myself. I was like “wow I feel nothing within myself, they are just playing a soccer match”, this is it.

Suddenly, as long as I started paying more attention to the match and no goals were happening, I started reacting within myself. I was like “Come on guys! No, no, no why did you do that! You had the chance there and you lost it. Oh no, why?”, while within myself I was experiencing a mixture of anxiety, anger, joy, excitment, nervousness, happiness, and frustration.

The point is that it does not matter the way we feel when watching the matches, because the emotions are running in a quantum dimension within ourselves, but the actual match is taking place in the physical. What I mean by this is that it is not necessary to become that emotional. When I say ‘emotional’ that does not mean ‘sad’ as many people may interpret it. ‘Emotional’ meaning all the mind systems I was able to experience within myself as feelings and emotions, such as anxiety, anger, joy, excitment, nervousness, happiness, and frustration.

Those emotional mind states – as far as I have understood – are very addictive. They move according to a polarity dynamic, the same that happens with the match where you have a winner and a loser, where you become happy if you win and sad or frustrated if your team loses. So, it is a constant manifestation of such energies being switched into the negative and the positive polarity within ourselves while watching the matches.

Now – what it’s interesing is to place such dynamics into different fields and see how many contexts or moments can be influenced by this polarity. I mean, it’s not the moment but how we experience such moment because of the relationship we have created to them. You can see the same happening in every relationship we build basically, the relationship we create in bf and gf relationship for instance, where the one that ‘loves more’ is the ‘loser’ and the one that ‘loves less’ is the ‘winner’, because if I love you less than you love me, I have control, I can manipulate you. Of course this dynamics occur when one participate in energy, therefore these are energetic axioms that are not questioned nor desconstructed nor re-defined and nor lived differently, because we just accept them as such by default programming.

I can observe the same dynamics when one listen to music or watch movies, where we do not realize how we are accepting and allowing ourselves to become influenced by our imagination, instead of paying attention to the lyrics/words, the instruments, etc. One automatically and by default programming tend to give more importance to the experience that one is able to generate within self than what is really here.

I have been involved in listening to a song that I like over and over again while playing with my imagination and generating positive experiences within myself. One can literally get lost within imagination and waste lots of energy in doing that while in the physical, nothing is moving.

The problem that I see with these dynamics is that once there are no more resources from where to get such experiences, then we are shifted into the other polarity side of the equation. You know, we win or lose, that’s how the mind works. So what happens when you have built a relationship with another person based on energetic experiences and then you can’t generate more? That relationship ends, because “I don’t feel the same anymore”. So, such dynamics are not unconditional and are dependent on the generation of energy to be able to exist.

Same thing with masturbation and porn for instance. I mean, one does not masturbate always watching the same video. So, such dynamics tend to escalate in a desperate attempt to continue existing and experiencing an orgasm as the positive reward for the domesticated individual.

So yes, always looking for the orgasmic experience in everything. I guess that describes more or less the relationship one creates with everything when we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be directed by energy. We want to get an orgasm while watching a soccer match, we want to get an orgasm while going out with friends, we want to get an orgasm when we listen to music, we want to get an orgasm when arguing with people, we want to get an orgasm when we watch movies, etc. But life is not an orgasm, therefore, if you are looking for an orgasm in every relationship you create, you are not living as yourself and for yourself as who one really is beyond a mind programming.

Will continue...

miércoles, 29 de junio de 2016

Judging Someone I Don't Know (Day 143)


Last night I met some friends that I have been going out with lately. I usually pick them up outside of a store and then we hang out in my car. By the time I got there, I called one of them to tell him that I was already there. They were behind the store so it only took them a few seconds to approach me.

When I saw them walking into me, I realized there were too much people. In my car, 5 people can sit comfortably, so it’s always me and 4 of them. I realized they were 5. I started looking at them one by one while they were coming into me in order to see who was the ‘extra person’. I saw a guy I had never seen before and I noticed how I started judging him.

I judged him within myself because based on his body language, he seemed to be rude, like these people who tend to be aggressive and speak loud and things like that. When we said hi, I noticed he was staring at me, so the first thing I thought was “I bet he is judging me because I have a car. He must be thinking that I look like a rich and arrogant guy” lol.

I judged him because at first sight he seemed to be like a punk, wearing camouflaged pants. So, then I took my time and I observed him completely; from head to feet and I told myself “What are you judging? That’s only his clothes. You can’t know anything about him, because you don’t know him”.

I told them that it was better to hang out outside and not in my car and they agreed. While I was driving to the spot I noticed how I continued on having this idea that he was somehow judging me, so I was thinking “He has no idea about me either. He does not know all the skills I have. He is just a kid”, comparing myself through backchats wherein I presented myself as better than him.

Then, we got to the spot and I remembered I had a guitar in my car, so once we were all ready, I started playing the guitar while they were talking. I noticed that while this guy was speaking louder and everyone was paying attention to him, I stopped paying attention to him and started to play the guitar a bit louder, kind of deliberately and tacitly expressing “I don’t care about you”. Now – what he was saying in that moment was a speech that supports alcohol, so within myself I was “There’s no point in sharing my perspective in relation to alcohol and how it functions as a device of control in order to keep people enslaved”.

Then, we went to another place to have some hot dogs and while we were in my car after eating, I noticed how I started judging the way he pronounced the consonant “S” while he was speaking. I don’t know how to explain the way he pronounced that consonant, but it’s not relevant.

Now I am going to apply some self-forgiveness statements so as to stop this pattern that supports inequality among humans beings that when it’s placed in a bigger picture, you can see it as the foundation of the creation and justifications of wars in this world.

Self-Forgiveness 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought “We are too much people to be in my car. Who is the extra guy?” and then, follow that thought and activate a whole personality where I judged everything I could see in that ‘extra person’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with rejection towards X because I first judged him as an “extra person” that was ‘limiting us’ to have fun as usual with the other guys I already know, and then, I started reacting to his body language, his clothes, his physical stance, what he was sharing and the way he spoke and pronounced a consonant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that X was judging me because of the way I looked inside my car, without realizing that what was happening there was projection, because there’s no way I can know what others are thinking about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through backchat, compare myself with X where I saw myself as better than him in terms of skills, kind of convincing myself that I am more than what X might possibly judge in me, without realizing that what I was doing was not self-supportive, but only a bunch of quantum statements that were contributing to the embodiment of a personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I had positively charged myself with an automated expectation in relation to what we usually do with the guys, but when I saw someone unexpected, I was immediately shifted into the other side of the polarity, that’s why I reacted towards X as though he was an obstacle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the gift behind that unexpected situation, because I hadn’t realized that I had an automated pattern where everytime I meet those guys I go positively charged because I think “I am going to have fun”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that if my expression is dependent on who is around me, then it’s not natural or genuine, because it is not unconditionally here as every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hermetic when I am around ‘new people’ that I haven’t met before, without realizing that in doing so I am not living the principle of do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I will continue...

martes, 28 de junio de 2016

Part II: Quitting Alcohol (Day 142)


It’s been almost two months since I decided to quit alcohol. Within this post I would like to write about something that happened after I wrote my previous post.

I was in a friend's house and suddenly one of them arrives and says “What’s going on with you? Why are you writing those things in your facebook wall about alcohol? You will end up posting Christian songs/videos”. This was expressed in a sort of joke voice tonality.

Then, another friend said “Oh yes, why are you writing those things, you ex drunk? I was about to post something in your wall but I finally decided not to do it”.

In that moment I felt attacked and I smiled and laughed like automatically embodying a sort of ‘funny personality’, but within myself I realized that I was embarrassed, because I felt exposed and it was something that I didn’t see coming at all.

I said nothing and just laughed while wanting them to stop. If I remember correctly, the only thing I said was “If I am to share a Christian song in my facebook wall, then I will tag you, so don’t worry about it”.

Then, after a couple of hours I was leaving the place and when I said bye, one of the guys told me “hey, dude, stop writing those things” and I became a bit angry within myself so I told him “Why? What are you afraid of?” in a challenging way. He laughed and then I left.

Some days passed and we met again. The same guy brought up the same point again. He said it out loud and everyone there laughed, even the girls that were there. This got me thinking “What do these girls know about it? Do they share a similar interpretation towards me? I bet they have no idea”.

What I have realized is that my external world seems to be more reactive towards me quitting alcohol than me. In other words, I quit and that’s it, but they sometimes ask questions that I don’t want to answer, because I don’t want them to take it personal or simply because I don’t want to go 'too deep' by sharing all the dimensions involved in my decision to quit alcohol. I mean, they are all drinking and the last thing you want to hear when you are drinking is someone talking ‘against’ alcohol, plus that might push their buttons.

So, there is this stance within myself where I want to do things quietly just for myself, because I somehow fear that I would be misinterpreted if I am to share the reasons why I quit alcohol.

Now – what I haven’t considered is that I can just lie or avoid providing too much information, for instance if they ask me why I am not drinking, I can just say “I am walking an experiment with myself”, or “It does affect my stomach and then I experience pain”, like keeping it simple and concise.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience embarrassment when X brought up the point of me quitting alcohol in front of everyone, because I didn’t see it coming and I didn’t know what to say or do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically embody a ‘funny personality’ when I felt embarrassed by being exposed in front of everyone in relation to me quitting alcohol, because I didn’t know how to deal with such event, instead of assisting and supporting myself through breathing in and breathing out, in order to ground myself and thus, be able to provide a more self-honest answer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel that embarrassment into anger when X repeated what he had previously said to me in relation to me quitting alcohol when I was leaving the place by saying “Why? What are you afraid of?”, without realizing that the questions were not the problem, but the emotional reaction running within myself towards him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I embodied the ‘funny character’ when I was exposed in front of everyone by X, because the other personality that I have in such cases is the anger character, but as I fear that I could become too angry and possessed by that energy and escalate into me becoming offensive and/or violent through my words, I preferred to smile, laugh and take it as a joke instead, without realizing that I was participating in a polarity equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared being seen as a sort of religious person when I quit addictions, write about it and then my friends having access to that information, without realizing that if my external world is reacting to my process it's because my change in relation to that is being evident, therefore there's nothing to fear, but to embrace it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself as “You have an obscure past and now you have decided to change? How dare you?”, without realizing that this self-judgment is the same that I projected towards a friend in the past when he became a Christian and as I had some background information about his past of him being a liar who also liked stealing stuff, I was like "I don’t believe his change is real".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing, because I fear that people will be pointing fingers on me through bringing up 'who/how I used to be', without realizing that if I assist and support myself unconditionally in self-honesty in order to live my commitments in every moment, then what remains is who I am now, not the past.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself being questioned/exposed/made fun of because of what I have written in my blog, I stop and breathe. I realize that I could first ask “Did you read the whole post? Do you understand what I write there? Which part is the one that you do not agree with? If you want we can talk about it whenever you have time”, instead of embodying a personality just because I am being possessed by embarrassment and I don't know how to address the event.

I commit myself to stop and breathe in such moments where I am being questioned about my process, so as to ground myself and stand as the directive principle of who I have decided to be in self-honesty as self-support, instead of embodying a personality that actually supports other people’s reactions towards my self-change

I commit myself to give myself the time to calm myself down and to offer people the chance to listen to me if they want to know more about my process, instead of thinking “It is too much information”, “they won’t get it”, etc.

When and as I see myself embodying my anger character after I have been questioned about my process, I stop and breathe. I realize that in embodying the anger character in an attempt to compensate the embarrassment I previously experienced, I am not supporting myself nor the situation nor the people that is there, in other words; I am not being an example of self-direction.

I commit myself to assist and support myself through breathing in and breathing out when I become angry or in a challenging stance when I am being questioned about my process, in order to make sure that my words and behavior is who I am as self-awareness and self-expression here.

When and as I see myself fearing to be seen as a sort of Christian that had an ‘obscure past’ who now wants to 'redeem', I stop and breathe. I realize that this belief was first projected towards a friend in the past who became a Christian and now I am using it to judge myself because of walking a similar process of self-change.

I commit myself to stop believing that a person who commits to self-change = a religious person.

I commit myself to stop fearing self-change because of how others may interpret me, because I realize that if I don’t decide to change and walk the change in every moment, then I do become like a religious person who ‘waits’ to be 'saved' instead of one becoming the directive principle. 

lunes, 6 de junio de 2016

Quitting Alcohol (Day 141)



It’s been a month or so since I decided to quit drinking alcohol. The reason why I decided to quit is because since I got unemployed I started drinking more frequently. Actually, alcohol was/is always present among my group of friends. It’s kind of ‘natural’ to go out, meet up and have some beers, wine or whatever. So, I started drinking more because alcohol was just there available for me and it became a habit.

The first time I tried alcohol was when I was 17-18, but I would drink a few sips from a beer bottle or to make toasts in new year’s. Then, when I started going to college I began to drink a bit more. I got drunk a couple of times during 2004-2005. After that, I ‘learned my lesson’ so to speak; meaning, I would drink, but I had my limit; no more than 2-3 glasses, mainly because my stomach could not handle too much liquid in it, so when I drank more than 3 glasses, I felt like throwing up because my stomach was full - and that has always been horrible to me, because I don’t like how it feels.

Then, I got drunk a few times after I got my first job, especially when it was my birthday. But, apart from that, I continued applying my limit. After that, I got my first car, so I wouldn’t drink, mainly because I didn’t like alcohol that much, so I used the excuse of “I can’t drink, I am driving”. But, all of that changed last year. As I mentioned above, since I got unemployed my habits changed and I ended up drinking more.

One thing that I liked from alcohol was that I felt more confident when playing the guitar and singing with/for my friends. It was like I didn’t judge myself when doing it. But when I was sober, the story was different; I started singing in a shy stance. So, alcohol was that ‘boost’ with which I could 'express myself' without caring about anything.

Another scenario where alcohol also functioned as a boost was when it comes to communication/speaking. As a matter of fact, I am not very talkative, so with alcohol I would ‘express myself’ more and I liked the energy that it created within myself, because it made me feel in control. Actually, a friend once told me that I was good at persuading people. So, besides feeling that I was in control, I felt ‘admired’ by others, because apparently, I had ‘power’. I would for instance approach someone and start talking and then just being involved in an interesting conversation where I felt as the guy that ‘knows more’. People would come into me and say “Pablo, we would like to hear your perspective on this”. I felt considered and respected, but in the end, it wasn’t a genuine expression of myself, because I was acting out a personality that activated through alcohol.

Just as a side note; according to the WHO (World Health Organization) Chile - the country where I live – is the country with the highest rate of alcohol consumption in Latin America. So, basically everywhere you go, you see alcohol and it’s kind of weird to know people who do not drink it. I have seen masses of individuals drunk out there.

Besides that; I see alcohol as another device in order keep human beings under control. You know, you are tired of your job, you are tired of surviving in this world, you are tired of having to pay bills - so when you meet up with your friends, you kind of ‘deserve’ to get wasted; it’s even perceived as ‘the fissures of the system that the worker has to unplug themselves from the status quo’. Really? I would actually say that alcohol inhibits human beings from becoming organized in order to change themselves and the system.

So, there are many consistent dimensions that I have considered to quit alcohol; there is my personal/inner process; my health/body, my mind, my expression as a human being as well as the external dimensions in terms of how alcohol is used to keep us trapped through the emotional reactions that activate when one is drunk.

I would finally add that when you drink alcohol and you think/believe that you are going ‘against the system’, you are in fact feeding it to continue functioning the same way it does. You are actually supporting it, because the same system has domesticated you to believe that through alcohol you become ‘revolutionary’, a ‘rebel’ with more 'attitude'. But, I would say that nowadays, the most revolutionary act one can do is to deconstruct that implanted fake seed and quit drinking alcohol. Have a look for yourself; most of the things the masses do today are in any way supporting a real change. We are indeed perpetuating the enslavement through our own ‘free choices’ and self-interest.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become addicted to the energy that built up within myself through drinking alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the personality that was activated within myself through alcohol was the real me expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to acquire an addictive habit only because it was just there available for me and most of the times for free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become dependent on alcohol to be able to talk more with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that through alcohol I was expanding myself more in relation to my musical skills.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used alcohol as a sort of ‘medicine’ in order to hide my shyness/lack of confidence when it comes to performing in front of people or talking to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empowered, powerful and in control through drinking alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to other people through drinking alcohol, because what I would do was sharing knowledge and information in order to present myself as intellectual/clever/well educated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that instead of depending on alcohol to become more expressive, I could start working on how to develop such skills as a genuine expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have developed a rejection towards people that drink alcohol, because as I quit, I feel that I am 'better than them', without realizing that this is a pattern that also activated last year during the first two months of quitting smoking cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘special’ and ‘unique’ when I have quit an addiction, without realizing that there’s no need to feel anything, because I am doing it for myself in self-honesty and there’s no need to compare myself with others, because all of us are just in Different Locations within process and no one is 'more than' or 'less than'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt better than others when quitting an addiction, because I perceived myself as 'free' and them as 'enslaved', without realizing that in comparing myself with others I am creating my own trap within my mind system.

Self-Commitment Statements

I commit myself to continue investigating/introspecting this point of quitting alcohol in order to open up more dimensions that may emerge.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself with others when I have quit an addiction.

I commit myself to work on how to develop more genuine and effective ways of expressing myself through music and communication.