miércoles, 29 de junio de 2016

Judging Someone I Don't Know (Day 143)


Last night I met some friends that I have been going out with lately. I usually pick them up outside of a store and then we hang out in my car. By the time I got there, I called one of them to tell him that I was already there. They were behind the store so it only took them a few seconds to approach me.

When I saw them walking into me, I realized there were too much people. In my car, 5 people can sit comfortably, so it’s always me and 4 of them. I realized they were 5. I started looking at them one by one while they were coming into me in order to see who was the ‘extra person’. I saw a guy I had never seen before and I noticed how I started judging him.

I judged him within myself because based on his body language, he seemed to be rude, like these people who tend to be aggressive and speak loud and things like that. When we said hi, I noticed he was staring at me, so the first thing I thought was “I bet he is judging me because I have a car. He must be thinking that I look like a rich and arrogant guy” lol.

I judged him because at first sight he seemed to be like a punk, wearing camouflaged pants. So, then I took my time and I observed him completely; from head to feet and I told myself “What are you judging? That’s only his clothes. You can’t know anything about him, because you don’t know him”.

I told them that it was better to hang out outside and not in my car and they agreed. While I was driving to the spot I noticed how I continued on having this idea that he was somehow judging me, so I was thinking “He has no idea about me either. He does not know all the skills I have. He is just a kid”, comparing myself through backchats wherein I presented myself as better than him.

Then, we got to the spot and I remembered I had a guitar in my car, so once we were all ready, I started playing the guitar while they were talking. I noticed that while this guy was speaking louder and everyone was paying attention to him, I stopped paying attention to him and started to play the guitar a bit louder, kind of deliberately and tacitly expressing “I don’t care about you”. Now – what he was saying in that moment was a speech that supports alcohol, so within myself I was “There’s no point in sharing my perspective in relation to alcohol and how it functions as a device of control in order to keep people enslaved”.

Then, we went to another place to have some hot dogs and while we were in my car after eating, I noticed how I started judging the way he pronounced the consonant “S” while he was speaking. I don’t know how to explain the way he pronounced that consonant, but it’s not relevant.

Now I am going to apply some self-forgiveness statements so as to stop this pattern that supports inequality among humans beings that when it’s placed in a bigger picture, you can see it as the foundation of the creation and justifications of wars in this world.

Self-Forgiveness 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought “We are too much people to be in my car. Who is the extra guy?” and then, follow that thought and activate a whole personality where I judged everything I could see in that ‘extra person’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with rejection towards X because I first judged him as an “extra person” that was ‘limiting us’ to have fun as usual with the other guys I already know, and then, I started reacting to his body language, his clothes, his physical stance, what he was sharing and the way he spoke and pronounced a consonant.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that X was judging me because of the way I looked inside my car, without realizing that what was happening there was projection, because there’s no way I can know what others are thinking about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, through backchat, compare myself with X where I saw myself as better than him in terms of skills, kind of convincing myself that I am more than what X might possibly judge in me, without realizing that what I was doing was not self-supportive, but only a bunch of quantum statements that were contributing to the embodiment of a personality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I had positively charged myself with an automated expectation in relation to what we usually do with the guys, but when I saw someone unexpected, I was immediately shifted into the other side of the polarity, that’s why I reacted towards X as though he was an obstacle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the gift behind that unexpected situation, because I hadn’t realized that I had an automated pattern where everytime I meet those guys I go positively charged because I think “I am going to have fun”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to understand that if my expression is dependent on who is around me, then it’s not natural or genuine, because it is not unconditionally here as every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hermetic when I am around ‘new people’ that I haven’t met before, without realizing that in doing so I am not living the principle of do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I will continue...

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