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Part II: Quitting Alcohol (Day 142)


It’s been almost two months since I decided to quit alcohol. Within this post I would like to write about something that happened after I wrote my previous post.

I was in a friend's house and suddenly one of them arrives and says “What’s going on with you? Why are you writing those things in your facebook wall about alcohol? You will end up posting Christian songs/videos”. This was expressed in a sort of joke voice tonality.

Then, another friend said “Oh yes, why are you writing those things, you ex drunk? I was about to post something in your wall but I finally decided not to do it”.

In that moment I felt attacked and I smiled and laughed like automatically embodying a sort of ‘funny personality’, but within myself I realized that I was embarrassed, because I felt exposed and it was something that I didn’t see coming at all.

I said nothing and just laughed while wanting them to stop. If I remember correctly, the only thing I said was “If I am to share a Christian song in my facebook wall, then I will tag you, so don’t worry about it”.

Then, after a couple of hours I was leaving the place and when I said bye, one of the guys told me “hey, dude, stop writing those things” and I became a bit angry within myself so I told him “Why? What are you afraid of?” in a challenging way. He laughed and then I left.

Some days passed and we met again. The same guy brought up the same point again. He said it out loud and everyone there laughed, even the girls that were there. This got me thinking “What do these girls know about it? Do they share a similar interpretation towards me? I bet they have no idea”.

What I have realized is that my external world seems to be more reactive towards me quitting alcohol than me. In other words, I quit and that’s it, but they sometimes ask questions that I don’t want to answer, because I don’t want them to take it personal or simply because I don’t want to go 'too deep' by sharing all the dimensions involved in my decision to quit alcohol. I mean, they are all drinking and the last thing you want to hear when you are drinking is someone talking ‘against’ alcohol, plus that might push their buttons.

So, there is this stance within myself where I want to do things quietly just for myself, because I somehow fear that I would be misinterpreted if I am to share the reasons why I quit alcohol.

Now – what I haven’t considered is that I can just lie or avoid providing too much information, for instance if they ask me why I am not drinking, I can just say “I am walking an experiment with myself”, or “It does affect my stomach and then I experience pain”, like keeping it simple and concise.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience embarrassment when X brought up the point of me quitting alcohol in front of everyone, because I didn’t see it coming and I didn’t know what to say or do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically embody a ‘funny personality’ when I felt embarrassed by being exposed in front of everyone in relation to me quitting alcohol, because I didn’t know how to deal with such event, instead of assisting and supporting myself through breathing in and breathing out, in order to ground myself and thus, be able to provide a more self-honest answer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel that embarrassment into anger when X repeated what he had previously said to me in relation to me quitting alcohol when I was leaving the place by saying “Why? What are you afraid of?”, without realizing that the questions were not the problem, but the emotional reaction running within myself towards him.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I embodied the ‘funny character’ when I was exposed in front of everyone by X, because the other personality that I have in such cases is the anger character, but as I fear that I could become too angry and possessed by that energy and escalate into me becoming offensive and/or violent through my words, I preferred to smile, laugh and take it as a joke instead, without realizing that I was participating in a polarity equation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared being seen as a sort of religious person when I quit addictions, write about it and then my friends having access to that information, without realizing that if my external world is reacting to my process it's because my change in relation to that is being evident, therefore there's nothing to fear, but to embrace it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself as “You have an obscure past and now you have decided to change? How dare you?”, without realizing that this self-judgment is the same that I projected towards a friend in the past when he became a Christian and as I had some background information about his past of him being a liar who also liked stealing stuff, I was like "I don’t believe his change is real".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear changing, because I fear that people will be pointing fingers on me through bringing up 'who/how I used to be', without realizing that if I assist and support myself unconditionally in self-honesty in order to live my commitments in every moment, then what remains is who I am now, not the past.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself being questioned/exposed/made fun of because of what I have written in my blog, I stop and breathe. I realize that I could first ask “Did you read the whole post? Do you understand what I write there? Which part is the one that you do not agree with? If you want we can talk about it whenever you have time”, instead of embodying a personality just because I am being possessed by embarrassment and I don't know how to address the event.

I commit myself to stop and breathe in such moments where I am being questioned about my process, so as to ground myself and stand as the directive principle of who I have decided to be in self-honesty as self-support, instead of embodying a personality that actually supports other people’s reactions towards my self-change

I commit myself to give myself the time to calm myself down and to offer people the chance to listen to me if they want to know more about my process, instead of thinking “It is too much information”, “they won’t get it”, etc.

When and as I see myself embodying my anger character after I have been questioned about my process, I stop and breathe. I realize that in embodying the anger character in an attempt to compensate the embarrassment I previously experienced, I am not supporting myself nor the situation nor the people that is there, in other words; I am not being an example of self-direction.

I commit myself to assist and support myself through breathing in and breathing out when I become angry or in a challenging stance when I am being questioned about my process, in order to make sure that my words and behavior is who I am as self-awareness and self-expression here.

When and as I see myself fearing to be seen as a sort of Christian that had an ‘obscure past’ who now wants to 'redeem', I stop and breathe. I realize that this belief was first projected towards a friend in the past who became a Christian and now I am using it to judge myself because of walking a similar process of self-change.

I commit myself to stop believing that a person who commits to self-change = a religious person.

I commit myself to stop fearing self-change because of how others may interpret me, because I realize that if I don’t decide to change and walk the change in every moment, then I do become like a religious person who ‘waits’ to be 'saved' instead of one becoming the directive principle. 

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