lunes, 6 de junio de 2016

Quitting Alcohol (Day 141)



It’s been a month or so since I decided to quit drinking alcohol. The reason why I decided to quit is because since I got unemployed I started drinking more frequently. Actually, alcohol was/is always present among my group of friends. It’s kind of ‘natural’ to go out, meet up and have some beers, wine or whatever. So, I started drinking more because alcohol was just there available for me and it became a habit.

The first time I tried alcohol was when I was 17-18, but I would drink a few sips from a beer bottle or to make toasts in new year’s. Then, when I started going to college I began to drink a bit more. I got drunk a couple of times during 2004-2005. After that, I ‘learned my lesson’ so to speak; meaning, I would drink, but I had my limit; no more than 2-3 glasses, mainly because my stomach could not handle too much liquid in it, so when I drank more than 3 glasses, I felt like throwing up because my stomach was full - and that has always been horrible to me, because I don’t like how it feels.

Then, I got drunk a few times after I got my first job, especially when it was my birthday. But, apart from that, I continued applying my limit. After that, I got my first car, so I wouldn’t drink, mainly because I didn’t like alcohol that much, so I used the excuse of “I can’t drink, I am driving”. But, all of that changed last year. As I mentioned above, since I got unemployed my habits changed and I ended up drinking more.

One thing that I liked from alcohol was that I felt more confident when playing the guitar and singing with/for my friends. It was like I didn’t judge myself when doing it. But when I was sober, the story was different; I started singing in a shy stance. So, alcohol was that ‘boost’ with which I could 'express myself' without caring about anything.

Another scenario where alcohol also functioned as a boost was when it comes to communication/speaking. As a matter of fact, I am not very talkative, so with alcohol I would ‘express myself’ more and I liked the energy that it created within myself, because it made me feel in control. Actually, a friend once told me that I was good at persuading people. So, besides feeling that I was in control, I felt ‘admired’ by others, because apparently, I had ‘power’. I would for instance approach someone and start talking and then just being involved in an interesting conversation where I felt as the guy that ‘knows more’. People would come into me and say “Pablo, we would like to hear your perspective on this”. I felt considered and respected, but in the end, it wasn’t a genuine expression of myself, because I was acting out a personality that activated through alcohol.

Just as a side note; according to the WHO (World Health Organization) Chile - the country where I live – is the country with the highest rate of alcohol consumption in Latin America. So, basically everywhere you go, you see alcohol and it’s kind of weird to know people who do not drink it. I have seen masses of individuals drunk out there.

Besides that; I see alcohol as another device in order keep human beings under control. You know, you are tired of your job, you are tired of surviving in this world, you are tired of having to pay bills - so when you meet up with your friends, you kind of ‘deserve’ to get wasted; it’s even perceived as ‘the fissures of the system that the worker has to unplug themselves from the status quo’. Really? I would actually say that alcohol inhibits human beings from becoming organized in order to change themselves and the system.

So, there are many consistent dimensions that I have considered to quit alcohol; there is my personal/inner process; my health/body, my mind, my expression as a human being as well as the external dimensions in terms of how alcohol is used to keep us trapped through the emotional reactions that activate when one is drunk.

I would finally add that when you drink alcohol and you think/believe that you are going ‘against the system’, you are in fact feeding it to continue functioning the same way it does. You are actually supporting it, because the same system has domesticated you to believe that through alcohol you become ‘revolutionary’, a ‘rebel’ with more 'attitude'. But, I would say that nowadays, the most revolutionary act one can do is to deconstruct that implanted fake seed and quit drinking alcohol. Have a look for yourself; most of the things the masses do today are in any way supporting a real change. We are indeed perpetuating the enslavement through our own ‘free choices’ and self-interest.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become addicted to the energy that built up within myself through drinking alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the personality that was activated within myself through alcohol was the real me expressing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to acquire an addictive habit only because it was just there available for me and most of the times for free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become dependent on alcohol to be able to talk more with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that through alcohol I was expanding myself more in relation to my musical skills.
 
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used alcohol as a sort of ‘medicine’ in order to hide my shyness/lack of confidence when it comes to performing in front of people or talking to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel empowered, powerful and in control through drinking alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel superior to other people through drinking alcohol, because what I would do was sharing knowledge and information in order to present myself as intellectual/clever/well educated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that instead of depending on alcohol to become more expressive, I could start working on how to develop such skills as a genuine expression of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have developed a rejection towards people that drink alcohol, because as I quit, I feel that I am 'better than them', without realizing that this is a pattern that also activated last year during the first two months of quitting smoking cigarettes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘special’ and ‘unique’ when I have quit an addiction, without realizing that there’s no need to feel anything, because I am doing it for myself in self-honesty and there’s no need to compare myself with others, because all of us are just in Different Locations within process and no one is 'more than' or 'less than'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have felt better than others when quitting an addiction, because I perceived myself as 'free' and them as 'enslaved', without realizing that in comparing myself with others I am creating my own trap within my mind system.

Self-Commitment Statements

I commit myself to continue investigating/introspecting this point of quitting alcohol in order to open up more dimensions that may emerge.

I commit myself to stop comparing myself with others when I have quit an addiction.

I commit myself to work on how to develop more genuine and effective ways of expressing myself through music and communication.

No hay comentarios:

Publicar un comentario