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Being Drunk v/s Being Sober in a Club (Day 147)

Last weekend I went to a club in this new city I am currently living in. I usually go to clubs when there are bands playing live.That’s most of the times my starting point in relation to going to such places; watching and listening to new bands playing live.

So, once I have seen the bands and listened to their music it’s like I am already ‘done’ and I can go home because 'I already did what I had planned'. It is different when I have been to such places without having a clear starting point, because when I have done that in the past, it felt like being in a contant state of ‘expecting something to happen’, which leads to anxiety, that’s why you drink and smoke more – as though that physical action of directing your hand towards your mouth in a repetitive way - creating a pattern - was going to solve your inner state or give you a purpose.  

Anyways, I went to this club with a new friend and I was completely clean; no alcohol and no drugs in my body. The only thing I drank was water and the only ‘drug’ I consumed was a hot dog once we got out of that place lol.

So, I went to the techno/electro/dance sort of room where the Djs play some music and you move the way you want. It was cool because I was experimenting with my body doing different moves, even the moon walk lol - no kidding. I was trying to make my body move in a synchronized way, but at the same time trying different moves that you do not normally do because they may seem ridiculous.

For a moment I felt like being drunk and high. I was sweating and having fun on my own. Enjoying myself without needing something external to be able to express myself. What I realized is that most of the times people need that ‘extra boost’ to be able to express themselves in a more ‘free way’. But what they do not realize is that through drinking alcohol, they are only making their self-expression dependent on something else, looking for that ‘freedom’ out of themselves, instead of giving themseves the opportunity to develop it from the inside.

So, this new approach seems more real to me, because it’s something I am developing from within myself. And what has also supported me through this is singing or practicing rap songs while I am walking in the street. You know, sometimes people look at you like “what?”, but that’s the ‘worst’ thing you will get lol. It is like doing it for oneself and it does not matter whether other people make fun of you or not, because they have no idea and if they asked you, you explain, and then they will go “Oh, I now understand”.

It’s like what happened the first day I went to my new job. I went to the teachers’ room, left my backpack there and then went outside to walk through the corridors, read what students/teachers had hanging on the walls and those things, until one old man who apparently works there approached me and said “Hi, may I help you? Who are you?” and I said “Hi, I am a new teacher here”. He said “Oh, but you can come in”, and I said “Oh no, I have decided to be outside because I like breathing the fresh air mornings bring, plus I am having a look at the articles you have on the walls” and then he understood. Other people might have perceived what I was doing as “The new teacher is shy” lol.


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Today, I got angry with a student and I didn't even realize it until another student that was next to me said "teacher, don't get angry".
The scenario went as it follows:
Students were presenting oral reports. Before they start, I take the time to tell the class that they have to be quiet while their classmates are performing, because I have to assess them and if there's too much noise, I can't hear very well.
It was hard to me to keep them completely quiet today - teachers know that not all lessons with the same class work the same due to different factors -. So, I had to constantly stop and say "guys, be quiet. Your classmates are performing". That happened d…

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So, I asked myself “Why did that happen?” and in self-honesty I can say that I was not fully aware of what I was doing. I was watching the video, but at the same time having a chat and also concerned about a problem I had. 
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What I didn’t like was that for instance Person A was saying stuff like “He said/did this and that, fuck him”, while Person B went “Yes, that’s too bad,he is wrong, I understand what you are going through. Fuck him”, without even knowing me in person, without even talking to me once at least. So, I went within myself “This person thinks they know me? Plus, Person A’s arguments were an interpretation of the events, so Person B was basically reacting to Person A’s reaction. That’s why I say it was not supportive, but reactive.
Why did I judge Person B as ‘Mr. Nice’? …