lunes, 19 de septiembre de 2016

Frustration in Aloneness (Day 149)


I am writing right now in order to explore myself in relation to something that I would call a ‘mind state’ where I tend to go which is related to ‘wanting to go out’ and realizing that ‘I have no one to go out with’.

Since I moved to a different city, I have become dependent on certain people that live here in order to go out and get access to certain contexts. So, today it is like the third time that I am experiencing something similar since I moved here.

I would describe it as frustration. It’s like frustrating to not have access to those people/contexts when I want to, because somehow with those people I have been able to do other activities in my free time besides working in a school.

I have a close friend who lives here, but as this friend is currently out of the city, I feel this frustration in relation to not being able to go out as usual, plus having to work tomorrow and this thought of “I wasn’t able to enjoy myself fully as I should” pops up, which ignites this experience of “I don’t want to be here”.

I realize that this is also related to wanting to have control. Like being able to decide when I want to do something without depending on others to do it, because it is through those people in my world that I have access to other contexts/activities. So, in a way I feel limited.

What I have also been experiencing is this hope for a Relationship that emerges from all this nebula. For instance when I am free, I don’t think of going out to clubs or visiting strident places. I go “I would rather just have a partner with whom I can spend my free time just being myself, staying home, playing music, taking naps and eating nice food”, like in this stance of “hey, it wouldn’t be bad at all” lol.

But, what I see here is that I would be desiring a relationship in order to not feel that I am ‘wasting my free time’ when my friends are not around or when I feel frustrated for not having access to those activities/contexts. As though having this ‘unconditional’ person in my life would equally fit in my desire for control when I want to do stuff without depending on others.

Now – the way I experience this physically in my body is through an energetic movement in my solar plexus, which is of course related to a negative emotion that is the one that I previously named frustration.

Also, what I have realized thus far, is that this energetic experience also contributes to apathy, because I could go out alone, I can play music alone, I can write alone, etc – but, the longer I remain in this experience, the harder is for me to move on and release it, because even though my guitar is next to me, it’s like “I don’t feel like playing it”; making my expression in music completely dependent on energy instead of a genuine and unconditional self-expression. 

So, what I see here is the following; it’s like I believe that I need something external in order to be able to enjoy myself. Now – this is not something new to me at all. And it is interesting, because even though I have been aware of how certain patterns work, I then realize that “hey, I am actually participating in one”; the one that I have accepted and allowed myself to create in subtle moments of unawareness when I abdicate responsibilty and make my expression rely on positive energy; the positive energy that I get when I go out, when I have access to the contexts/people I want – when I have control, when I can dose positivity where I identify there’s a lack of it because of feeling frustrated when things do not function according to my desires and needs.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have control in relation to when I decide to dose the positive energy within my perceived ‘frustration’, when I am not able to go out with friends or have access to certain contexts/activities in order to believe that “I am enjoying myself to the fullest”, without realizing that if I charge my expression positively, then I will experience the negative side of the polarity equation, because positive cannot exist without the negative and vice versa.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have conditioned my mind and body to experience the frustration emotion in my solar plexus when things do not go according to my wants and needs, which then leads to apathy, just like what happens after that ‘boost’ that is provided by drugs after you experience the high (positive).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into apathy when I experience frustration within myself after I see that things have not gone according to my wants and needs, where I see that there are other things that I can do in my physical reality, but as ‘I don’t feel like doing it’, I abdicate my responsibilty to that energetic movement that was first created by one single thought and then I end up only suppressing/accumulating instead of releasing, understanding and creating practical solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not enjoying myself to the fullest if I don’t see my friends or have access to certain activities/contexts when I want to, without realizing that I can enjoy myself in every moment once enjoyment is a word that one unconditionally live in every aspect of their lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I need a relationship/partner in order to always have someone that will agree with my ideas, desires and needs, without realizing that even without currently having an actual relationship, I am already creating an expectation and idea of how a partner should act and behave.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the solution to being bored and feeling frustrated is to have a girlfriend/relationship, as though in doing so, I would have more control over my positive experiences, without realizing that I am pre-conditioning something from the starting point of self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a starting point to have a relationship the thought "I would rather just have a relationship so I won't waste my free time".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that 'to live my life to the fullest' is in relation to having control, not experiencing frustration, not feeling alone, and having a relationship that can help me not feel alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I am having ‘free time’ that does not coincide with other people’s free time, I can start exploring new areas where I can start expanding myself more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that since I have a new job, that that’s all I have to do, without realizing that I can still do more stuff, without having to perpetuate the tendency I have to always go to bed when I have nothing to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the frustration I experience within myself when apparently I am not able to go out or have access to certain contexts/activities is indicating that there are some points that I have to introspect beyond, so as to continue working on the development of my utmost potential where new skills can be discovered and flourished.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself experiencing frustration through an energetic movement in my solar plexus when I am apparently not able to go out, meet up with people or have access to certain activities/contexts, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can start exploring new areas within my life where I can expand myself into my utmost potential.

I commit myself to make a list of the things I can start exploring/developing in relation to self-expansion, such as cooking, helping out in the house, self-education, learning how to play the piano, etc.

I commit myself to ask myself “Is there anything pendent that I have to get done?” when I am experiencing that frustration when I am apparently not able to go out and meet up with my friends, in order to first address what is already here in my reality and start moving on instead of accumulating work for instance.

When and as I see myself thinking that I am dependent on the people that live here in this city to do my stuff, I stop and breathe. I realize that yes, there are things that I get through them, but the way I express myself cannot be dependent on them.

I commit myself to stop believing that I am dependent on other people to express myself.

I commit myself purify my starting point in relation to meeting up with friends, because if I am meeting up with them only because ‘they have something that will help me create positive energy’, then; problem.

I commit myself to investigate what is it that I have access to as an expression when I meet up with friends so as to start working on it and making it an unconditional part of myself that exists within myself.

When and as I see myself thinking that I need a relationship/partner in order to not feel bored or frustrated when I am not able to go out, I stop and breathe. I realize that in having those thoughts, I am pre-establishing how a partner must behave and act, without considering that following such thoughts and and any thought will lead into a Quantum Spiralling where the mind goes out of control and ends up in a possession.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am experiencing the frustration and the desire as the thought “I wish I had someone”, in order to release the energy and ground myself here in the physical and see how I myself can in fact be that ‘someone’, because it’s me the one who makes the decision and walks through it, with or without 'others'.

I commit myself to assist and support myself in terms of becoming my own partner, meaning; being the one that is with me, the one that can do stuff on my own and that the only one that is important is one as One and Equal.

When and as I see myself charging my expression positively, I stop and breathe. I realize that I tend to 'feel good' when I do stuff and that I have conditioned myself to experience that ‘reward’, that’s why when I do not have access to it, I experience frustration.


I commit myself to stop and breathe when I see myself charging what I am doing or what I have just done positively, because there’s no need to participate in energy when what we want to create is something real as the physical.