A couple of minutes ago I got a message on the Whatsapp group my band and I have. The message said “Guys, we will continue playing after not playing for a while”.
Since I am working in a different city, I noticed a reaction within myself; “Do they plan to leave me aside or something?”.
I asked “Really? new members?”. And I was told that a guy that I know will be playing the bass in the band.
A backchat that I had was “Does X think he owns the band that he can make adjustments without first asking the whole band?”. Then I went “But, I am living in a different city. If the guys want to play, they should do it. I wonder who the new singer will be”.
I also noticed that I felt ‘excluded’, kind of Making things Personal. I even thought that they didn’t want to play with me and that now is the perfect moment to start a ‘new band’ without me. Then, all the self-judgments projection “I don’t sing well, if I am in a different city I am an obstacle for them right now”.
I remember that our last gig was in last April and after that, we had the chance to play in other places, but the band was kind of asleep; with no real motivation if you will.
I have now just asked in the Whatsapp group “I have a doubt; am I being considered within this ‘new process’ for the band or should I assume that I am out because I am in a different city?”
One of the guys said “Yes, you are considered. We are still playing”. So I explained my current situation; I told the guys that I will be working here until December, then come back, and after that don’t know yet whether I will continue working here or not, but that I've liked the city so far and that everything will depend on how things unfold in the months to come.
I realize now, that I was assuming that I was out of the band and that created the whole reaction within myself, where I felt excluded, without realizing that I myself was excluding myself by going into my mind and charging that emotional experience with more thoughts and backchats.
So, what I had to do was just ask straight forward and clarify my doubts instead of remaining within my mind and going into a Quantum Spiralling where I lose control; meaning, going more and more into the mind alternate reality.
I remember that I have always been the type of person that don’t ask questions, the person that remains in this misconception of the word ‘reserved’, the person that keeps the doubts and then during the walk clarifies them. But I realize that it’s up to me to change that self-definition. Plus, it does not support me at all. What it does support me is to bring my self-awareness back here as my physical body and start participating within this physical reality that allows me to create and be the creator of my own life expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when X said that the band will start playing shows again after being out of track, because I immediately thought that I was being left out and that the message was an attempt to let me know that they were kicking me out of the band.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an emotional experience where after the thought “Do they plan to leave me aside or something?”, I felt excluded, without realizing that I was myself contributing to that experience, because I was suddenly shifted into my mind through thoughts, projections and the activation of many characters that were an obstacle for me to see with physical eyes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to while being shifted into my mind, go into mind scenarios where through my imagination, I was Blaming the guys for doing me such ‘evil’ thing to me, where I realize my self-victimization character was activated, that’s why I started blaming within my mind instead of taking self-responsibility for what was going on through stopping myself and breathing in order to ‘wake up’ from that mind state.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to while being in the self-victimization character use phrases such as “I bought a cool guitar, an awesome amp and this is how they will pay me?. They are not placing themselves in my shoes”, without realizing that in that moment I was taking for granted that what I thought was completely and absolutely accurate.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that what I think is real, without realizing that all that emerged within my mind in that moment was personalities, projections, backchats, self-judgments, misinterpretations, etc, where I unconsciously forgot where is me among all those mind systems.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach this event as “This is also my band”, where I noticed myself referring to the band as though it was something that I possess, that I own, that it’s mine - and thus, I reacted with Jealousy for them being able to continue playing while I am miles away in a different city without being able to play as them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that X is evil within themselves and that they enjoyed not being clear about the message in the Whatsapp group at first in order to deliberately make me go into the emotional experience, without realizing that it's impossible for any external factor to affect my inner experiences, because I am the one who accepts and allows self to whether go into the mind or bring myself back here to this physical reality.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be blinded by emotional reactions and all the patterns that activate within myself when feeling ‘rejected’, where I am not able to bring myself back here and instead, assume that what my mind is telling me is real, without realizing that what goes on within my mind is mere programming where I have learned how to feel or how to react when certain events take place in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my reaction to the word ‘excluded’ automatically activates a pattern of going into self-victimization, self-pity, blaming and jealousy, without realizing that I can stop the pattern through immediately taking a deep in breath and an out breath in order to release myself from the energetic experience and become grounded and thus, being able to assist and support myself when communicating with other individuals.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perpetuated the misconception of the word ‘reserved’ where instead of being reserved in a supportive way, I have lived it as a synonym of keeping thoughts, emotions, feelings, doubts and questions to myself instead of assessing them within myself first and then speak them up in order to understand each other, in order for everyone involved within the conversation to be on the same page.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have lived the word ‘reserved’ as a synonym of the word ‘excluded’, because instead of assisting and supporting myself while being in an energetic experience, I am shifted into the mind system and I myself exclude myself, without realizing that if I do not assess myself and then speak up, everyone else might think that everything is fine, therefore, I might actually end up being excluded, but that being created by myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when feeling excluded go into blaming instead of taking self-responsibility through acknowledging that I am creating my own experience and that everyone else is not to blame, because of course they can become more effective within communication in case I have doubts, but in order to contribute, I have to first assess myself and thus, being able to provide a feedback that can assist and support everyone involved within the conversation as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and self-judgment when I have a doubt and I want to ask, because I think and believe that people will think that my question is stupid, without seeing, realizing and understanding that “asKING is the King of all QUESTions in the Quest that is Life”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question, because it is easier to remain ignorant instead of becoming aware and taking self-responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferred to remain in doubt as energetic experiences instead of taking self-responsibility for what I am creating within my mind from internal conversations to living words without awareness as a detrimental outcome for me and everyone, which I could have changed if I had stopped my mind before going into the perpetuation of patterns.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my ‘stupid questions’ can become very supportive for me and for others, because we can realize how to become more effective in the way we express ourselves when we communicate; for instance, in becoming more specific.
When and as I see myself feeling excluded, I stop and breathe. I realize that there is a pattern existing within myself where I take things personally and then, I end up feeding my mind with thoughts, backchats, feelings, emotions, projections, self-victimization, self-pity, and blaming, therefore, the one who is responsible for the emotional experience is me and not them.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I feel excluded in order to bring myself back here and see reality through physical eyes instead of the mind’s eye and thus, be able to contribute with solutions instead of embodying the word ‘reserved’ in a way that does not support me, nor everyone else.
When and as I see myself going into “This is also mine. I own it” when feeling excluded, I stop and breathe. I realize that such statements are being created by me through the mind after accepting and allowing myself to feel ‘diminished’ through how I perceive reality through my thoughts by believing what I think, without realizing that my thoughts are programmed/conditioned and in no way will be accurate in terms of supporting life as the physical as what’s best for all, therefore, if I am to use such phrases it’s because I am trying to compensate the inferiority that was previously activated within myself in an attempt to be switched to the other side of the polarity equation (superiority).
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I want to go “This is mine. I own it too” so as to become more aware of myself and assess the way I am expressing myself, so I can transform that experience into something of support for everyone; starting with myself first through taking self-responsibility for my own mind consciousness system.
When and as I see myself embodying the word ‘reserved’ as this individual who does not say a word, who pretends everything’s fine when it’s actually not, I stop and breathe. I realize that this embodiment does not support me to become the best version of me, because the only thing I end up creating is a ‘wrong’ perception, which starts from myself first towards my external world, and then, simultaneously through the way everyone involved will perceive themselves and me within the conversation.
I commit myself to explore the word ‘reserved’ in order to define it, re-define it, and then, live it in a way that supports me as well as everyone else that is part of the conversation when it comes to communication within groups.
When and as I see myself going into an emotional experience when I am in a conversation and I have doubts/questions, I stop and breathe. I realize that what I am doing is perpetuating a pattern that was created within myself since I was in school, where I feared asking questions, because I thought “It does not matter if I ask, because I won’t understand either” or “My question is not important, they will be able to do it without me anyways” or “I will figure it out later”, where besides going into self-judgment, I went into procrastination by thinking and believing that my answers will someday magically be answered, instead of immediately taking self-responsibility and becoming self-directive in real time, stand up and ask.
I commit myself to stop and breathe when I start going into an emotional experience when having doubts/questions within communication, so as to assess the myself/the situation and then, assist and support myself through releasing all the energy through breathing, and once being clear within myself, just ask, while at the same time making sure I am expressing myself in specificity and being as clear as possible.