A few days ago I was talking to X and I was explaining something, then this individual made a question, but as their question was not specific, I asked again in order to provide a clearer answer, but I noticed that this person changed in their behavior, kind of becoming upset and speaking louder while their body language - specifically their facial gestures and hands started making abrupt moves, kind of stressed out.
I have personally seen this existing within myself as well, for instance when one is doing something and suddenly we’re interrupted, but more specifically when the other person seems to not understand our point and one have to repeat the message.
I notice that when I have to repeat what I already said, I have become in-a-rush-mode so to speak, and as they do not seem to understand what I say, slowly but surely I start noticing how the emotion starts building up within myself, but at the same time trying to control it, although the result is infertile because you end up struggling with your emotions, which is something you can see when focusing on facial gestures and body language. Like, you can tell when someone is not comfortable in their physical bodies.
It’s like “I already explained it and now you are making me do it all again?”, kind of victimizing self, making it personal and thinking that they might even be making fun of us, kind of pushing our buttons or testing us deliberately.
Also, the other side of the polarity that I have seen goes through backchats like “Are you stupid that you do not understand?” or “Are you deaf?” type of thing. This, creating a sense of ‘superiority’ that comes from the frustration for not being fully understood, like “I explained it already, therefore, if you do not understand, then it’s your problem. Just bounce and leave me alone, otherwise, if I am to repeat myself then I have the right to ‘charge you’ and make you ‘pay me’ through ‘emotional punishment’ where I am going to see you as inferior and treat you as such”.
What I see here is that these polarized reactions work as absolutes; meaning, just positive or negative, black or white, right or wrong, superior or inferior, without even taking the time to sit back and introspect all the dimensions involved within the spectrum and also, how I am supporting myself towards a more effective communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become in-a-rush mode when I am asked to repeat myself, wherein I would embody the superior character or the inferior one depending on how I perceive myself and the others around.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to perception, without realizing that perception is a judgment, it’s polarity - it does not support life as the physical, because this takes place from a mind’s interpretation, where I already judged myself and/or others and from there, messed it all up and already participated in a character; the embodiment of a persona, instead of seeing the practicality, the solutions and how I can support myself and everyone involved in the conversation if I’d stopped my participation in the mind system and release the energy and so the pattern to become the best version of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to embody the superior and inferior character according to how I have previously judged someone that is talking to me, without realizing that the embodiment of characters is absolute limitation when it comes to communication, because I do not realize that I first have to understand why I am experiencing myself as an emotional experience so as to be able to understand another person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question why is it that I become uncomfortable in my physical body, facial gestures and body language when energy starts building up within myself while perceiving that someone is pushing my buttons within communication when I have to repeat myself or clarify information, without realizing that it’s not that the other person is creating the reaction, because they are just asking a question, therefore, it’s only me the one who decides how to approach it; meaning, it’s my responsibility to address my feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have the right to treat someone in a rude manner when they ask me to repeat myself, as though they were stupid and not able to understand what I am saying, without realizing that if I placed myself in their shoes, I honestly wouldn’t like to be treated as such.
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to do onto others as I would have them do unto me; meaning, applying the principle of equality as all, as one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe myself to be a victim when I am struggling in energetic movements and its manifestations in the physical when someone is asking me to repeat what I have just already said, as though the one who is asking me something was deliberately making fun of me or pushing my buttons so as to see a reaction in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react emotionally within communication, instead of calming myself down, grounding myself here in self-awareness, so as to become aware of who am I accepting and allowing myself to be in that moment, in order to take responsibility andchange that moment of inner conflict into mutual understanding, not only focusing on me, me, me, but also the equal living being that is in front of me interacting with me.
When and as I see myself becoming uncomfortable within communication when I have to repeat myself, which leads me to then embody characters, such as the inferior, superior, self-victimization, anger, frustration, I stop and breathe. I realize that instead of focusing on the other person in a way of blaming them, I must start off with me first in order to make sure that I am stable within communication, so as to be part of a solution instead of contributing to create more conflict based on ego.
I commit myself to stop believing and thinking that others are responsible for the way I am experiencing myself.
I commit myself to take responsibility through self-writing when it comes to inner conflicts where I see I am blaming others for the way I feel when they are around or when they talk to me.
I commit myself to find ways in which I can express myself better, for instance through providing different sorts of examples, also asking questions, such as “Is there anything that you do not understand? Am I missing any points?”.
I commit myself to focus on my breathing and body posture when I notice that energy starts building up within myself, so as to support myself through my physical body and stop the pattern activation that comes next after accepting and allowing myself to participate in the energetic experience.