jueves, 15 de diciembre de 2016

Fears & Insecurities (Day 155)


I was having a conversation with X, who is someone that I am getting to know with whom I have talked about creating something together; aka agreement/relationship. The point is that I have noticed some insecurities going on within myself in relation to this individual, which have lately been creating conflict.

Basically what I am noticing is the past interfering in my present. This is all related to being lied and cheated which is something that happened within one of my previous relationships where I decided to trust someone, but my expectations were not aligned with reality, because that person from the past didn’t honor their words with regards to our commitment and then, I went into disappointment, frustration, anger, grudge, etc. - emotional mind states that somehow were asleep in me and rarely addressed which are now being projected towards this new person. 

After being single for 4 years now I learned how to enjoy my own presence, the silence and how to feel comfortable with myself. Let’s say that I was gaining my trust again. But, as I haven’t worked on those past patterns effectively, plus I was not in a relationship, I just had those points in stand by mode, like “I will investigate this sometime in the future”. And as those patterns were not happening, at least consciously, they seemed they were gone.

So, this person shared an interesting perspective which was “You are kind of expecting me to fuck it up”, which is something that defines pretty well the way I feel. Like I feel that I am sure about that they have a deceptive nature within themselves and that in any moment they will do something that somehow will compromise the agreement = fear. 

I was also told that I must trust myself more, leave those insecurities aside, live more, which is something that I completely agree with, but as it has become kind of natural to talk about what’s going on within my mind with people I feel comfortable with, they sometimes think that I am holding onto it and this creates conflict, when actually what I am aiming is the release of such patterns. For instance, with this person I have tried opening up points in real time as they emerge and it goes pretty well, but today I went into an emotional reaction through a written chat and even I know things must be spoken in person, I ended up having a sort or argument which brought doubt and insecurity within both of us - that’s at least how I saw it through the words and voice messages.

So, I have opened up myself and what they see is fear, acting in a defensive way, distrust and doubt. Let me share an example here. Some days ago we were in a place with more people. This person said, “I won’t drink beer because I have a stomachache”. Then, after 5 minutes, this person was offered a glass of beer and they accepted it. That created distrust and insecurity within myself, because I went “This person is not doing what they said. Should I trust them? If they say that they agree on being faithful and loyal within this agreement, is this person going to honor their words if in a very simple act of not drinking beer they were not able to keep and live their word unconditionally?”.

I have been told that I am exaggerating, but currently that’s the only way I have to see reality for what it is., because I don’t want to ‘trust my feelings’ as I did in the past. Therefore, the only way I have to see whether someone is loving themselves or not is through how they are honoring their words for themselves.

I know that I have done the same in the past and even today I sometimes say things that I do not do. I understand that there is flexibility within our decisions, but we must be careful to not end up in self-manipulation through excuses and justifications. Because to me it’s simple; if I say that I won’t drink and I am offered a glass of beer, I can say “Thanks, but I prefer a glass of water, please”, but I understand that we are all in different locations within process and that I cannot impose what I have walked within myself onto others in an attempt to ‘help’ them. The only way I have to do that is through my own example; meaning, if I don’t like it when others say something and do the complete opposite, then I must start with myself first and become a living example. But, as I have been an abstemious for 7 months now, I have become very disciplined with regards to alcohol and honoring my word. The same with cigarettes; being a non-smoker for 1 year and a half now.

So, that’s the nature of these insecurities. I know that I can honor my word when I really want to achieve something and it’s part of my goals, but the problem happens when I have to trust that a partner is going to do the same and I am not seeing it in the very simple things. Now - it’s not about THEM, it’s about how I react to it which is an emotional reaction that leads into fear. This fear of “Should I go for it? I don’t want the same lies and secrets from the past”, which at the same time creates the same experience within the other person, because even though they said they are sure about being with me, if I am talking about my insecurities in a way that is not supportive, they will also go like “Do I really want to be with someone who will suddenly say: you know what, this ends here because I do not trust you?”.

So, here I am. After being single for 4 years now and having the chance to start something with someone new, but fearing that the past will repeat again in this new opportunity to learn about myself. But, I understand that I am not the same person I was in the past, because I now have the tools to face myself, understand the fears and be ready to live without fearing the worst to happen, because if I think that the worst will happen, then I am creating it within my mind and then, I would have the same emotional experience within myself as though it really happened, when actually none of it has taken place, therefore, there’s no need to be worried about.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to bring the past into my present by thinking and believing that X will lie and cheat on me like someone from the past did, without seeing, realizing and understanding that in doing this, I am limiting myself to be able to really get to know this person without anticipating/fearing the ‘worst’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have remained in stand by mode when it comes to who I am in relationships, because I procrastinated addressing old patterns and now as they are manifesting again, I see the importance of taking responsibility immediately.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into thoughts of “should I trust this person or not?”, “Should I start a relationship with this person or not?”, “Will they honor their word?”, without realizing that such thoughts are disempowering, because if I were standing up as an example of self-trust through knowing who I am in relationships, I would focus more on myself instead of looking for trust in separation of me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have looked for trust outside instead of developing it within myself first.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when staring at X’s eyes while we are very close and I am listening to them when we have talked about something that needed to be addressed, go within myself “That look…is this person lying? I bet they are lying to me”, without realizing that that distrust was created in one of my previous relationships where I knew that they were lying to me, but I stayed there only because I wanted to know the truth by leaving myself aside only because of being obsessed with finding out the truth of events and at the same time trying to persuade the other person to continue speaking and telling me more about it, because I always thought that they didn’t share the whole story, but only the parts that were the least compromising for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have activated an old pattern of distrust from past relationships into this new person that I am getting to know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged this person’s voice tonality, words and actions as someone who is moved by energy and that they are not able to keep their word and honoring it through actions, because they victimize self instead of facing the points that emerge in our communication, without first having a look within myself so as to see where in my life I do the same so I can change it and become a living example that can become a support for others when first supporting self and walking a process in relation to such specific points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being with someone in a relationship, because I think that they will cause pain in me, without realizing that the only real pain is physical and any other ‘pain’ that is not physical has its roots within consciousness = Ego - therefore, it’s something that I am accepting and allowing it to exist, because no matter what they do; if self-trust is here with me as an unconditional expression of myself, there’s no way I can ‘lose’ it, because if I lose it, then it was never real, because you can’t lose something that is part of your genuine expression as a being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared to be seen as weak by this person when I open up and share my insecurities and fears, because they have said that I over react and make things personal, without seeing, realizing and understanding that opening up and sharing myself is fine, but maybe the way I am sharing it is not aligned with the purpose I want to achieve, therefore, I could find other ways I can improve my communication, because I understand that it’s not common to have a relationship with someone who does not fear talking about fears and insecurities with their partners, writing blogs and basically walking process, which is a process ahead to be walked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that walking process makes me weird and weak to the eyes of other people, especially females, because they sometimes like ‘tough guys’ and me talking about emotions don’t look like a ‘brave man’ to them, without realizing that being able to talk about emotions and feelings without fearing them is an act of courage, because it is easy to pretend that everything is fine and just suppress in order to create a ‘good impression’, but the ones who are standing up are the real ‘men’, because ‘real men’ don’t hide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought “If I don’t look like a real man to them, then they are going to break up with me”, without seeing, realizing and understanding that all I am must be for myself in self-honesty - and in any way try to be someone I am not only because of wanting to fit into other people’s pre-programmed wants and needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced frustration when seeing that X does not understand my point of view fully, instead of finding ways to express myself better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the old patterns are in relation to how things have been unfolding since the beginning, which is a bit similar to one of my previous relationships, where I judged the other person because of their/our behavior during our first meetings, that’s why similar judgements/fears/insecurities have emerged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into imagination where I see X doing things that I wouldn’t like to be done, without realizing that by feeding my mind with imagination and possible scenarios, I am creating the experience of fear and insecurities within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged X as a liar since the first moment we saw each other, as though their intentions were not good because they only wanted to ‘use’ me and that now based on how things have been unfolding, they have decided to be with me because they feel positively charged and don’t want to lose that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that many things that I judge from X are not accurate due to misinterpretation, projection and imagination based on fear and insecurities. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X is making fun of me in front of their friends because of the way I am and the ‘problems’ I might create when talking about fears and insecurities, without seeing, realizing and understanding that many people can have different opinions about me due to how the information is being delivered, but something completely different is to get to know someone beyond a biased version of events when sharing them from emotional mind states, therefore, there’s nothing I can do about it, but only focus on myself and my process in order to release these worries that limit my expression and divert my attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gotten ‘lost’ in this nebula of insecurities and fears, because as today I was free, what I did the most during this day was only going into emotional experiences instead of focusing on myself and my responsibilities, therefore, I am not doing what I had agreed on doing for myself = participating in the same patterns I judge in X, only because of the way I was experiencing myself as thoughts, feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used irony when wanting X to understand my perspective, without realizing that irony was perceived negatively by them and that created resistance instead of a mutual understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that irony and sarcasm are to be used to make people understand, without realizing that every time I went into irony with X, I was energetically charged and not stable within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have suppressed something I wanted to share with X a few days ago, but now as it emerged again and it was not directed in the moment, I said it but in an emotional reaction, without first assessing it within myself in order to open up more layers and once having a clear understanding about it, talk about it in a more grounded expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into honesty by saying what was on my mind, instead of living self-honesty; meaning, first introspecting and exploring what’s going on within myself and then share it as solutions instead of ‘problems’ or complaints that they have to handle in order to make me feel better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the only way I have to feel good with myself is through others, without realizing that in doing so, I am participating in separation instead of becoming it myself on my own.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose touch with the silence I developed and enjoyed when being single and now turning it into 'noise'; the one that insecurities and fears create within my mind. 


More to come on my next post… 

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