martes, 27 de junio de 2017

Mr. Nice [Day 174]


I read a conversation between two people where they were talking about me. Person A was sharing a ‘problem’ that had had with me, while Person B was judged by me as Mr. Nice, because they were not supporting Person A, but adding more to the problem. What I mean by ‘adding more’ = no practical support, but continue talking about the same thing, without a solution, but only supporting Person A’s words without questioning them.

What I didn’t like was that for instance Person A was saying stuff like “He said/did this and that, fuck him”, while Person B went “Yes, that’s too bad,  he is wrong, I understand what you are going through. Fuck him”, without even knowing me in person, without even talking to me once at least. So, I went within myself “This person thinks they know me? Plus, Person A’s arguments were an interpretation of the events, so Person B was basically reacting to Person A’s reaction. That’s why I say it was not supportive, but reactive.

Why did I judge Person B as ‘Mr. Nice’? Because I have learned that when you support someone that comes into you telling you a problem, the idea is to guide them and support them as you have supported yourself, but it is not about ranting and raving about that ‘bad person’ that did/said something ‘horrible’. It’s not about agreeing with all you say, because if someone is asking me for perspective and I notice that they are attaching themselves to ideas and beliefs that limit their seeing, I do my best in explaining them, so they can pierce that veil of interpretation in order to be able to see clearly and really supporting them. It’s not about supporting them so they can think that I am nice or a good person or a good friend.

Actually, the ones that I consider true friends are people that have walked with me for several years and when they see me doing something that is not cool, they immediately approach me and start questioning my behavior. They don’t go “yes, I totally agree with you, you are right, they are wrong, so come here with me and see me as a good person”.

Now - I am able to identify Mr. Nice, because I have played that role too, especially in relation to girls. For instance when they have shared their problems with their partners with me in the past, I remember not even caring about supporting them, but instead making them feel good and comfortable, so once they see me as a good person, they trust me, I take advantage, meaning acting nice and then have a sort of sexual intercourse if possible, kind of implicitly saying “Your partner is a fool. Stay with me instead, because I am Mr. Nice and I understand you. I am all that you’re partner is not, so prefer me, because I am better than him”. 

Within this field, I dare to say that behind those ‘good intentions’ there is an erect penis. It is a mask. Mr. Nice acts like that because he wants sex by persuading you and obtaining your trust, so be careful. Mr. Nice also feels lonely and thinks that he deserves more and that people do not value him, because they are not able to see all the potential that exists within him. Mr. Nice thinks he has the answer. He thinks that he does everything well, but people are bad. Mr. Nice also judges himself and has developed ways in which they can persuade people and thus, make them believe that he is nice. Mr. Nice thinks “if that/those girls could ever see within me, they would fall in love with me, because they could realize that I am better than all those good looking guys that are empty inside. Unfortunately, I am not that hot, but I am hot within myself as my true essence”.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger within myself when reading what Mr. Nice was saying about me, because within myself I went “They do not even know me. How dare you”, which I found was not fair nor objective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it personal when having people talking behind my back, because I do not like having people that do not know me talking about me, without realizing that this person might have not yet learned what real support is, which is something that I am personally still learning as well, so as to support common sense and avoid verbal diarrhea.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have compared myself with Mr. Nice, where I was the superior one, looking down at this person’s behavior/words, because according to me, they were only systems who believed they are self-aware while they continue deceiving themselves and others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have embodied the superior persona as though I was in a higher position for having more knowledge or experience about support, without realizing that I have done the same that they did and that means that we have been in the same place, but what’s more important is what we have done to stand up and drop the persona.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that me judging that person is exactly what they have done onto me, because they were talking about me without even knowing me, while I am judging them without even knowing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that their words are enough to have an idea of what type of person Mr. Nice is, without realizing that in that moment of anger, I was more focused on my inner reaction instead of really getting to know them through their words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to ask Person A to stop talking to Person B, because I don’t like them, without realizing that I can make suggestions about something I have observed, but once I have cleared all the point and making sure my suggestion is based on what is best for all, plus it is up to each person to decide whether you want to share yourself with someone else or not. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear within myself, fear of having Person A believing in Person B’s words and that they can take advantage of Person A’s naive nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged Person A as naive, only because they were involved in a situation I did not like, without realizing that they have to learn by themselves and thus, make their own decisions based on what they consider it’s the best for them. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have played the role of Mr. Nice in the past because that was the only way that I could get a female’s attention and interest, because in ‘supporting’ them, they could be able to see how smart and caring I was lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have based my words of support on self-interest instead of what is the best for all the people involved in the problem. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired to take advantage of someone’s vulnerability when they have shared their problems with me, because that’s the perfect moment where I can act as a sort of Super Hero that goes “Hey babe, here I am. Come with me. I am going to save you”. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Mr. Nice’s face looks good, but deep inside, Mr. Nice is evil, because he only cares about his desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have mastered Mr. Nice throughout the years in order to get what I want.

Self-Corrective & Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself reacting in anger because I found out that someone was talking negative stuff about me behind my back, I stop and breathe. I realize that in this case, they do not really know me and that they are reacting to an emotional interpretation, therefore, instead of reacting, I could understand the whole spectrum and go “What they are saying is not accurate, but I am able to identify why they are reacting like that”. 

I commit myself to calm myself down through breathing and applying self-forgiveness when finding out that someone has talked negative stuff behind my back, so I can see the whole spectrum and understand, without making it personal.

When and as I see myself wanting to ask Person A to stop talking to Mr. Nice, I stop and breathe. I realize that it is Person A’s decision whether they want to talk to that person again or not, plus, it is their own personal process, because they decided to share that information with Mr. Nice and Mr. Nice only did what they could to approach the situation. Therefore, the main focus should be based on how we are solving our problems between us both instead of ranting and raving through a friend.


I commit myself to establish how support is going to be practically applied when it comes to differences or misunderstandings or problems within relationships, so I can create an agreement in relation to that, where no abuse or verbal diarrhea will be allowed, but focused on self-awareness.

When and as I see myself wanting to take advantage of someone that approaches me and tell me about their problems with their partners and I want to take advantage of that through activating the Mr. Nice Persona, I stop and breathe. I realize that maybe the other person just wants me to listen to them and that if I am going to open my mouth it has to be once I am stable and grounded in my physical body, thus, what is going to express will be me as the being and not the mind programming that acts out of self-interest.

I commit myself to support others as I have supported myself, especially in relation to the process of bringing all back to self in order to take self-responsibility.

When and as I see myself judging Person A as naive because they have talked to Mr. Nice, I stop and breathe. I realize that it is their process and they have to learn through their own experiences and I can only support them out of common sense, but not trying to impose my perspectives on them as though “I want them to be as self-aware as me”, because that is expectation and also seeing myself as a finished-process-person when actually I am still learning how to walk and each person has their own pace.

I commit myself to share how Mr. Nice manifests from the perspective of self-change as the self-awareness I have developed, but without trying to impose it on others, because that’s not how it works. 

jueves, 15 de junio de 2017

Manipulation Through Smiling? [Day 173]


Today someone approached me at work and as I noticed that this person was like very energetic in their expression I tried not to be influenced by them, but making sure that I was paying attention to their words and also being honest in answering what they were asking.

This person was smiling a lot and moving their body as dancing while asking me to sign some papers and when I asked “Is that all?”, they said “You’re mean” kind of kidding while simultaneously smiling and acting nice.

I thought “Maybe they think that I am mean because they were not able to manipulate me with the influence of their expression, because I didn’t respond as energetically charged as they are”.

I can also see that before having this person approaching me, I was watching a live concert on my laptop and when this person approached me, another colleague said “Oh, they fucked your concert up”, as though the person approaching me was interrupting me.

Besides that, I noticed that I judged them while they were speaking, because I thought “Why don’t they go straight to the point and avoid explaining too much information that I do not even really care about?”.

I realize that I have a reaction towards females when they try to be nice with me and I do not understand where that niceness come from, because we don’t know each other, but at the same time I know that there’s not need to be friends or acquaintances to be nice with each other.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when females are nice through smiling a lot it’s because they are trying to manipulate me, that’s why I respond by thinking “Why too much? Go straight to the point, you do not need to convince me or influence me with your energy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged females’ behavior as manipulative when they smile a lot when they are interacting with me, without realizing that I am resisting them because I fear to become vulnerable if they are to come closer through touching me or invading ‘my space’ and then not being able to get rid of them because then they will eventually continue interrupting me as it has happened a couple of times in the past.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to be Flexible or Adaptable when I am being approached and I am doing ‘my stuff’, without realizing that ‘my stuff’ are still here and I can take a moment, pause it, and then continue without reacting emotionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I react to people smiling a lot, because even though I smile genuinely when I am in other contexts, I have resistance when having to smile for a photograph for instance, so there is a point in relation to smiling that I have to explore deeper.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that all females that are nice with me it’s because they want to know me more and then have me as a friend where they will then become too rude like calling at midnight drunk, interrupting me with their stuff and finding problems in letting them know that I don’t want that sort of relationship and that I don’t want them to call me or being too close to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged myself for not being able to smile genuinely when having females smiling a lot when they are talking to me, because I try to keep an image of me that I am distant, quick and simple where “Let’s talk only about or job, but avoid anything else related to our personal lives”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to the belief of “I go to work to work, not to make friends, because I already have my friends, my real friends and I don’t need more”, without realizing that it is not necessary to attach myself to that limiting belief, as it is not necessary neither to have a positive expectation in relation to making new friends at work, but to be open, flexible and adaptable by making sure I am stable and not reacting when having people approaching me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought “I bet this person thinks that I am handsome and she wants to become closer because she wants to know me and making me trust in her though smiling a lot, so she can seduce me”, without realizing that there are people that smile more, there are people that are genuinely nice and that doesn’t mean that they want to ‘take advantage’ of me or seduce me lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged this person as “I don’t like them, they not my type. I don’t like their face, I don’t like their hair, I wouldn’t be with her in anyway”, without realizing that one of the reasons I am resisting this person is because I do not feel physically attracted to them, because when they are aligned with my preferences; meaning, they are ‘hot’ so to speak, my expression is different, meaning that they are not bothering me or interrupting me. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been too superficial by judging females’ physical appearance and letting it influence the way I communicate with them, because if I do not like them and they smile, they are manipulating me, whereas if they are ‘hot’, I am more open to listen to them and share more. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become hermetic and not dare to go beyond in getting to know someone that I have defined as ‘not hot’ or ‘too nice’, because the idea is the following: If you are ugly and nice, I don’t care, but if you are beautiful/hot and nice = it’s perfect - and it will continue being perfect even if the equation goes Hot+mean, because I am giving more importance to the superficial dimension and thus, limiting myself to be able to see deeper.

Self-Corrective & Self-Corrective Statements


When and as I see myself judging a female because she smiles a lot when she communicates with me, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am judging her because first of all, I have defined within my mind that I don’t like them physically and I interpret that their smiles are an attempt that the ugly females use to get what they want, which is my own self-created judgement, that limits me from seeing beyond and learning from them.

I commit myself to stop judging people for the way they look and for the way they express themselves with me.

I commit myself to be open and willing to learn from those that I have judged on a surface level.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that females that smile a lot when they communicate with me are doing it because they want to manipulate me, I stop and breathe. I realize that there are different types of expressions in people and being more expressive or energetic is one of them - and that does not necessarily mean that they want to take advantage of me, because I see, realize and understand that the world is not only spinning around me, meaning; I am not the center of the world.

I commit myself to become more humble in relation to listening to and being open and flexible with people that approach me without judging them for the way they look or of the way they express themselves through smiles, jokes and touch.

When and as I see myself attaching myself to the belief of “I go to work to work, not to make friends, because I already have my friends, my real friends and I don’t need more”, I stop and breathe. I realize that this very idea/belief limits me from being open and adaptable to share myself in front of other people, because I am beforehand becoming hermetic.

I commit myself to stop attaching myself to ideas and belief that limit the chances of me getting to know other people and adapt myself to the current moment I am living where I can make the choice of who and how I want to be.

When and as I see myself attaching to the backchat of “I don’t like them, they not my type. I don’t like their face, I don’t like their hair, I wouldn’t be with her in anyway”, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am previously making a sort of category or list as though I was looking for a candidate to be with me, when I am already in an agreement, therefore, I am not approaching people where the starting point is mutual understanding and support, but whether I like them or not. Plus, I wouldn’t like to be judged in the same way I do.

I commit myself to stop pre-disposing myself to apply a mental list where I evaluate whether I like a female or not based on their physical appearance when I am talking with them.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that females smiling at me when they are talking happens because they thinking I am handsome and that they are using their smiles as a technique to gain my trust and choice to be with them, I stop and breathe. I realize that it is me the one who is projecting the judgment towards them and reflecting it back to myself, because it is me the one who judged them based on their physical appearance, but that does not mean that they are doing the same with me, because it exists the chance or possibility that they are always smiling and nice as a part of their natural and genuine expression, but I am not being able to see that due to all the mind filters I am putting in between us both that inhibit me from really getting to know who they are.

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that I am handsome and that females want to manipulate me through their smiles.

I commit myself to stop labeling myself with a positive adjective, because who I am is not a picture presentation, but expression.

I commit myself to stop labeling people as beautiful and ugly, because that limits the chances I have to get to know other people where there could exist support for both without having to be ‘friends’ or ‘real friends’, but acting out common sense in the moment

miércoles, 14 de junio de 2017

Lying For a Good Cause [Day 172]


I have lied to someone in ‘power’ for a good cause. This person found out through immediately following me, they confronted me saying that what I had done was a huge lack of respect and things like that. When I wanted to explain myself, this person was leaving, so I said “But, listen to me. I already listened to you, the idea is to share both perspectives; that’s communication”, so this person listened to me. After listening to me they left saying that they were going to inform another person ‘in charge’.

The reason I lied was to keep some vulnerable kids safe, because they were outside and asked to remain outside due to policy. So, as I have free access to that place, they asked me whether they could come in with me, so I agreed with a condition I made sure they did.

So, here I am ‘transgressing’ someone’s ‘authority’ for a ‘good cause’ that goes beyond policy. I understand the way that I can be judged or accused, but at the same time I know I did something ‘good’. I also understand how being lied feels.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not considered that what I was going to do in order to help others could possibly create a reaction in another person that was in charge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have not used communication in order to explain to the person in charge the whole situation before acting out, because I considered that too much information was not necessary, because the sooner the kids were inside, the better for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as someone accused and for a moment feel like sinking into my own emotional reaction of impotence for not being able to explain the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have charged myself positively after I talked to the guy ‘in power’, because I judged him as “he is an ignorant who only uses physical force because his intellect is low” vs me that “I am this well-educated person who knows how to protect my point of view politely”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel happy because I like it when things like this happen where there is a bit of friction between people because they get to know who you are through the words you speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have compared my words vs this person in charge’s words and end up thinking that my words were polite and clear vs his emotionally charged reactive words after making things personal, without realizing that the main point is to make things clear for both, instead of only getting the positive/negative consequence of winner/loser.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to charge myself positively after this confrontation by back chatting “They don’t know who they are messing with”.

Self-Corrective & Self-Commitment Statements
When and as I see myself taking for granted that it is not necessary to provide explanations to someone in charge because my cause is more important than their authority, I stop and breathe. I realize that my intention can be good, but I also have to consider the policy in order to avoid future possible problems.

I commit myself to give myself the time to slow down and explain my intentions the best possible, so I can avoid possible conflicts.

When and as I see myself being accused for something ‘wrong’ that I did and they are pointing fingers on me, I stop and breathe. I realize that I have to breathe and slow myself down in order to explain myself effectively without participating in emotional reactions.

I commit myself to stop and breathe when I am being confronted in order to calm myself down and be able to express myself effectively without participation in emotional reactions.

When and as I see myself charging myself positively after I have shared my point of view, I stop and breathe. I realize that I ended up as the ‘winner’ and them as the ‘losers’ because I made a comparison where I judge myself as ‘good’ and them as ‘bad’, which is a polarity equation that inhibits self to see beyond, to see the real purpose of communication, which is a solution that is best for all.


I commit myself to stop comparing my words with the words of others so as to focus more on the message and the clarity of the words instead of ending up only in positive energy. 

martes, 13 de junio de 2017

Do You Fear Speaking in Public? [Day 171]


There was a moment where I had to speak in front of people where I don’t usually talk much and I noticed some changes in my body that became as an obstacle for me to express myself.

Despite working as a teacher and having to speak in front of students and parents, there are moments where when having to speak I feel uncomfortable in my physical body. That day I noticed how my heart started beating faster, like a rush of adrenaline. Due to being accelerated physically, I could not articulate some words effectively and I had to stop for a quick moment, repeat again the words correctly and continue, but while doing this, I suddenly lost the thread of what I was saying, I made a quick sort of conclusion, but I could have explained myself better if I didn’t lose the point of what I was saying.

It was like when rapping or singing freestyle, it’s perfect when it rhymes, but sometimes you miss the word that rhymes so you can’t continue rapping. But it is different when I write it down first, because when I write it down, the ideas are more organized, so I can go step by step while seeing physically all the words that I am putting together. However, in real time it is a different story.

I guess it requires some more practice, because the only way of becoming good or better at something is to continue trying and learning from each and every mistake while not judging ourselves in the process.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become anxious and physically reacting with my heart beating faster when wanting to share myself in front of other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have pictured within my mind how I wanted my message to sound and be presented through providing different examples and moving my hands in different ways, but when noticing it was turning out a bit differently I judged myself that’s why I lost the point of what I was sharing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge what I want to share as ‘freaky’, ‘too much’, ‘weird’, and 'ridiculous', as though other people were going to think that I am such words/adjectives/labels.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get lost in how I want to sound and simultaneously keeping my mind busy with that reference in my mind, without realizing that in doing that, I am not fully aware here in the physical while I am speaking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have to convince people through what I am saying, that’s why when I see and judge the way they are looking at me as “you are making all those nonsense ideas up, you do not sound credible” I get lost, because the reference of how I wanted to sound in my mind creates friction through judging others and myself at the same time while not seeing the mind reference and the reality reference aligned as expected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have reacted with positive backchat about myself after I shared myself, where the inner voice was “They are getting to know how smart you are”, while eventually the frustration within and as the negative backchat afterwards went “If I didn’t become anxious, I could have given more sense to what I was saying and they would have understood my point better. I didn’t explain myself enough to activate inner realizations in others”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have wanted to be someone that activates realizations in others by charging myself positively, without realizing that to share myself effectively, I do not require the creation of energy to give me direction, because I get lost instead of making sense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be tough with myself by judging myself for not being able to speak in front of others as I wish or as I do it when I write or as the reference as the expectation that I previously create within my mind system.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being able to slow my heart beating down and react thinking “I can’t control this. This has power over me”, without seeing, realizing and understanding that it’s not common for me to share myself in front of other people, that’s why I am making mistakes, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t improve and enhance my speaking skills in social contexts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired to get the approval and acceptance of those who always speak in front of others, because in seeing their approval and acceptance, I would feel supported by them, without realizing that the first support that must exist is self-support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is not about gaining people’s approval and acceptance, but to be able to be clearly understood, especially when sharing solutions and common sense through being stable and grounded within myself.

Self-Corrective & Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself reacting with my heart beating faster before having to speak in front of other people in social contexts where I am not used to speak and I become so anxious that I miss the point of what I am saying, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am becoming anxious because I want to manifest that positive reference that I have in my mind as an expectation while forgetting about my physical body, such as the way I am sitting down, the way I am breathing, the way my shoulders are standing, my back and face, etc - and if I was to be self-aware enough of my physical body, I could support myself in delivering a message from a stable and grounded source, which is my physical body.

I commit myself to practice body self-awareness through paying attention to the way I am sitting or standing, the way I am breathing when having to speak and I become anxious.

I commit myself to apply quantum self-forgiveness in such moments where I become anxious before speaking in front of other people as a way to support myself in clearing myself before speaking.

I commit myself to name the energy that I feel in such moments so I can then work on it in order to enhance my speaking skills for the next time without the interference of thoughts, feelings and emotions.

When and as I see myself charging myself positively with a mental reference of how I want to sound when sharing myself in front of other people in social contexts, I stop and breathe. I realize that I need a practical mind where I can quick organize the points that I want to share in order to make more sense, but charging the reference positively as an expectation before speaking will inevitable cause the complete opposite, that’s why I end up judging myself, judging others and missing the point.


I commit myself to organize myself in my mind by having a clear starting point of support when sharing myself where the words I share are more important than the positive energy I want to get through trying to manifest the positivity of my expectation within mind in my physical reality.

When and as I see myself reacting with positive backchat after I shared myself in front of other people in social contexts, I stop and breathe. I realize that I do not need the positive backchat to feed an egotistical personality of superiority, because in doing that I lose the point of support, because what it becomes more important is the ego instead of the words I express as support within a point.

I commit myself to stop the positive backchat when I catch myself feeding the superior character within myself after I have shared myself in front of other people in social contexts.

I commit myself to focus in commonsensical support when sharing myself in front of other people in social contexts.

When and as I see myself judging myself as ‘weird’, ‘freaky’, ‘too much’ or 'ridiculous' when I speak in front of other people in social contexts, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing that I am being tough with myself, because I am projecting my own self-judgments towards others and reflecting them back to myself as a sort of bullying that functions as self-sabotage, without understanding that the focus should be placed upon how to enhance the support I am sharing in order to reach others and plant a seed of genuine assistance and support as I have done with myself.

I commit myself to support myself by understanding that I can enhance my speaking skills through a process of practice and identifying elements that can be improved within my speech in order to express myself clearer and thus, assist and support others with my realizations.

domingo, 11 de junio de 2017

Stressed Out Within Communication? [Day 170]

Lately I have noticed that when I communicate with people orally or written, especially when they ask questions or when I have to explain something, that I go in-a-rush mode. I try to speak/write/type really fast in order to answer or explain as quick as possible. The problem is that the message I share in such moments ends up being not clear and as a consequence, I have to repeat myself, which leads me to even taking longer in explaining and answering lol.

I can also see the backchat within myself that goes “Why are they asking too much questions? Leave me alone. Stop asking, because I don’t want to answer/explain now”.

Another problem that I am able to identify is that - due to wanting to speak quick - I do not explain myself well and I take for granted that they have a similar understanding in specific topics, so I skip certain information that if I was to mention it, the message would be much clearer for the other person to be grasped.

So, as a consequence, I am not speaking clearly; I make mistakes in my speech, I am communicating as a reaction that belongs to a personality system, I am not supporting myself nor the other individuals and I am creating the complete opposite of what I want, which is doing it quick and simple, because I am taking longer and complicating things for myself and others as well.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that in communicating quick in-a-rush mode out of a personality system, I am going to make things easier for all the participants within communication, without seeing, realizing and understanding that I am creating quite the oposite, because I become stressed out, the message I share is not clear, the other person does not understand my point very well, and I take even longer, because I have to repeat myself, which is not an effective communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with the backchat “Why are they asking too much questions? Leave me alone. Stop asking, because I don’t want to answer/explain now”, without seeing, realizing and understanding that that very backchat activates the whole personality system where I, instead of communicating out of common sense, I speak out of an emotional reaction, which leads to ineffective communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that THEY are bothering me when they ask questions, because I think that I am so fine in ‘my moment’ until they come with their questions and ‘interrupt’ and take me out of my comfortability, that I do not realize that in doing that, I am not being flexible nor adaptable, and it is the evidence that I am existing in my own bubble, where I do not want anyone to ‘take me out of it’.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that THEY are making me react in-a-rush mode, without realizing that I myself am creating this from within myself and that yes, they may push my buttons, but it’s my responsibility and choice to whether activate the personality system or calming myself down through first breathing in, breathing out, become silent within myself and then communicate effectively.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize how I influence others by communicating out of an emotional reaction, because I have noticed that they also become stressed out as they mirror my behavior and then, they acquire the same reactive type of response as a virus that spreads and affects everyone.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how important are the words that I share out there, because in communicating out an emotional reactive type of personality program, I am not taking responsibility for the words I speak, where I am literally fucking up a moment of understanding and realization within other people’s lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have forgotten about the breathing application in moments where I can support myself to express myself as the best version of me, because lately I have re-programmed myself to react emotionally within communication and made it so natural, instead of realizing that I can stop that re-programming and change myself in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that every moment is important, not only when I am comfortable in the silence of my own bubble, but also when people approach me when they need support through asking questions that I have judged as a bother and interruption.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have become selfish, because I prefer staying ‘silent’ and ‘peaceful’ in my own bubble, instead of standing up one with and equal to everyone else by bursting it and see how reality functions and how it can be transformed into that which is best for all by simply being open, patient, adaptable and flexible within my communication with others in my world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that being silent within myself is about not communicating with others, without realizing that in doing that, the example I am providing is of someone hermetic and stressed out that acts out of self-interest who does not give a shit about others.

Self-Corrective & Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself becoming in-a-rush mode when people ask questions because I think and believe that they are bothering me and as a result I communicate quick and confusing out of an emotional reactive type of personality system where I want them to stop bothering me and interrupting me, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing this, I am not supporting myself nor everyone else, and I am fucking up a possible moment of self-realization on others that can be of much importance within their lives.

When and as I see myself becoming stressed out within communication when I perceive myself as being interrupted by others, and that THEY are making me react in-a-rush mode, I stop and breathe. I realize that I wouldn’t like to be seen as a bother when I have questions or doubts, because when I ask questions it’s because I need support and guidance within a specific point, plus, the emotional response is my own creation and responsibility and it has nothing to do with THEM and if I dare to blame them for my reaction, I would be going into self-victimization, justifying my own self-manipulation in order to remain enslaved to the personality program instead of standing up in self-honesty and changing myself to the best version I can be.

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that people are bothering me when they ask me questions or when they want me to explain something.

I commit myself to embrace every person as I would like to be embraced when having questions or doubts in relation to any specific points.

I commit myself to breathe in and breathe out before communication when I notice that the personality system wants to activate and then, express myself once I am silent within myself in relation to others in my world.

sábado, 10 de junio de 2017

When Partners Have Similar Traits that Remind Us of Our Parents [Day 169]

I have been looking at this point where you whether consciously or unconsciously look for your parents’ traits in relationships. I’d dare to say that it happens more on the unconscious level, that’s why we sometimes wonder “Why do I always end up having a relationship with males/females that share similar traits?”.

There may be many reasons why people look for their parents in their relationships/partners, but that’s a point each one must investigate. But, in my case I have observed that I like it when partners care about me in very similar ways that my parents did, for instance when they cook for you, when they remind you about your duties, when they do things for you and even when they talk to you straight forward and tell you off for you to correct a specific behavior.

In the case of some females, I have heard that they unwittingly look for their fathers’ traits - mentally and/or physically -  in their partners, where they can feel ‘protected’ and/or ‘safe’, for instance.

I don’t personally think that this is ‘wrong’, but I realize that it can turn into a problem in terms of us not being able to become those words such as ‘protected’ or ‘safe’ by ourselves, because one may end up expecting such traits to be ‘lived’ by ourselves through partners, but in the end, we are not doing it for ourselves, which means that ‘their support’ may be abused by us and we could end up contributing more to the behaviors that are not part of our full potential instead of learning how to use our partner’s support, which means that the problem may occur when becoming dependent on them to be able to move ourselves - and if their support is not there, we won’t move ourselves, because we know that they will do it for us.

At first, when I was told “You remind me of my father” I went like “what the hell?”, but then I understood that they (partners) identified words that we unconsciously or consciously - depending on who and where you are - live that remind them of their parents, which is in essence not bad at all considering that sometimes people share similar cultural background, family dynamics, etc. that shape us, but as I mentioned before, this can create consequences that are not supportive. It’s like we believe that we are supporting them, but we are actually making things worse by feeding their patterns.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created a positive experience in relation to my partners’ behaviors when they are similar to my parents’ traits, because I feel good and think “I don’t need to do this or that, because they will do it for me” or “I don’t have to address this or that yet, because they will remind me when I have to do it”, without realizing that in doing that, I am not being efficient and I am depending on someone else to move myself with regards to my duties/responsibilities in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have thought and felt that I no longer feel sexually attracted to my partners after they have become - according to my perception and interpretation - as my mother, because I then see them as ‘too close’, as though they were a family member - and as I do not feel or have felt attracted to family members sexually, becomes weird and difficult to me to access the sex field due to the things that are going on within my mind in that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this dynamic within relationships may become addictive eventually, because once I have ‘accomplished’ to be taken care as I was when I was a child, then the sexual energy fades away and my mind will try to look for it again in another partner in order to continue feeding the same cycle.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have ended relationships with partners before, because I no longer felt sexually attracted to them, without realizing that there are more choices and solutions that I can work on through self-honesty and communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have perpetuated sex as an energetic experience of attraction that functions through the way I think, perceive and interpret, without seeing, realizing and understanding that thinking, perceiving and interpreting are of the mind system, which is different to the physicality of sex, where the physical body explores the touch through different sensations.

Self-Corrective Statements & Self-Commitments

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience in relation to my partners’ behaviors when they are similar to my mother/parents, I stop and breathe. I realize that the positive energy will then be turned into negative, that’s why the negative consequences manifest within the sex field where I no longer feel sexually attracted to them.

I commit myself to stop the positive experience when partners do things for me that remind me of my mother/parents.

I commit myself to do for myself what I have to do for myself in order to move myself in relation to my duties and responsibilities.

When and as I see myself feeling, thinking, perceiving and interpreting that my partners are becoming ‘too close’ that I see/approach them as a family member, I stop and breathe. I realize that holding onto that belief and idea that I create, I am sabotaging intimacy within relationships, because the idea/belief inhibits me from going beyond.

When and as I see myself wanting to end a relationship because I think and believe that the relationship is getting ‘too close’ or ‘too intimate’ that reminds me of my relationship with my family members, I stop and breathe. I realize that this thought/belief is limiting me, because I suppress what’s going on within myself due to not daring to communicate with my partners about it.

I commit myself to deprogram through self-writing these thoughts and beliefs that emerge when I am in relationships.

I commit myself to push myself with regards to being able to express myself through communication with myself and my partners, instead of suppressing/hiding it, because that limits my own growth and expansion.

When and as I see myself ‘living’ the definition of sex as an energetic experience that dictates whether I want / I don’t want to participate in the sexual intercourse, I stop and breathe. I realize that in doing that, I am abdicating my decision and directive principle to the mind system, I am not standing as the physical as what makes me real, who I am and what I am capable of doing, which is stopping the self-definitions that I have developed through my mind programming. 


I commit myself to embrace the sexual intercourse physically through stopping my participation in the mind and focusing on what my physical body is sensing. 

miércoles, 7 de junio de 2017

Part II: Skeletons in The Closet [Day 168]



Here I am continuing with my previous post...

When and as I see myself changing my behavior in front of the person that lied to me when the memory of what they did activates within my mind, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am changing my behavior in a way to show that something happened, that the other person has ‘lost’ a part of me, for instance affection, in order to punish them emotionally to make them say or do something that I need to believe so I can create and keep Trust only as an illusion.

I commit myself to stand one and equal with the people that lied to me without judging them, but supporting them as I have supported myself within the same patterns that are still part of me.

I commit myself to express through words the way I see the consequences once they have taken place, without trying to manipulate using a switch in my behavior in order for them to ‘guess’ that something is happening within myself.

When and as I see myself experiencing disgust/revulsion towards someone that ‘did something to me’, I stop and breathe. I realize that the disgust/revulsion is because of the moral perspective in relation to what the other person did, therefore, I am creating it, because it exists within myself and it is emerging in situations that I have defined as ‘the worst’.

I commit myself to remove the moral label I have placed upon the actions ‘liars’ do for me to be able to see objectively without making things personal so as to avoid extra conflict/friction in looking for a solution.

When and as I see myself fearing to face the consequences because I fear that I will be punished if I dare to speak the truth, I stop and breathe. I realize that if I remove the idea of being punished and just address the situation towards what’s best for me and for all, the polarized illusion of Truth/Lies, the focus will be the solution.

I commit myself to find solutions to my issues by removing the polarity Truth/lies that limits my seeing.

I commit myself to let go of the definitions I have used for myself when being whether in the truth side or the lies side, because that limits myself.

sábado, 29 de abril de 2017

Skeletons in the Closet [Day 167]


Some days ago I was told something that had been hidden from me because this person thought that if I was to find out, consequences were going to manifest, such as making the decision to no longer continue our relationship; fear of loss I suppose and fear of facing consequences.

During the last couple of days I have been seeing this event from different perspectives rather than just reacting out of emotional energy, because I have learned that when we immediately react, you are not able to see things clearly and you may say or do things that you will eventually regret.

In terms of what’s going on inside me, it is interesting, because I thought I would experience myself more energetically charged, I mean, a sort of intense and depressed mind state for instance.

This doesn’t mean that I don’t catch myself experiencing emotions in moments where everything’s going well. But, in such moments - where I trip over Pain and Disappointment - I remind myself that no matter what the other person does or does not, I am still here and I still have myself to support myself in walking through this experience that I have also experienced many times in the past, therefore, instead of sinking into the emotions that come from thoughts/backchats that tell me that I have been betrayed, fooled, used, cheated, etc, I decide to take responsibility by focusing on myself instead of blaming the other person.

in situations like this, you tend to feel hurt and then, it activates a pattern where after feeling hurt, you experience anger and even desires of revenge can come up in your mind. Also, you might think “If they did this to me, then I have the right to pay back with the same and they will not be allowed to complain about my actions, because they already did the same, plus they have to experience themselves how it feels to be in my shoes, so they can really learn from this to not do it again” - kind of punishing them emotionally and taking advantage of the situation through justifications which are only part of self-manipulation.

There’s one thing that is clear here for me and that is that I won’t change myself into an expression that is not supportive for me and for others, I mean, I won’t let this situation affect me as it did in the past. I decide to stand up and no matter what, continue walking through situations like these unconditionally, not for others, but for myself, because that’s all I got = ME

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience Pain and Disappointment within myself after being told something that had been hidden from me, because I felt like being fooled and cheated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that when I have been lied or cheated - that I have to feel bad and inferior as though I have lost an important part of me that constitutes who I am, when actually what constitutes who I am is what I accept and allow to do in every moment, even when they are sour situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have changed my behavior in front of the person that lied to me when the memory of what they did activates within my mind, because I become distant and within my mind the backchat says “Wait a second, remember that they did this and that — be careful; do not believe in what they say or do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have experienced disgust/revulsion towards this person every time I remember what they did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t forgive this person for what they did when actually, before being able to forgive them, I have to forgive myself first for similar actions that I have done and never took responsibility for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have hidden information from other people in relation to what I have done, because if I am to tell them, I fear that our relationship might break up, without realizing that the more I hide with secrets and the guilt they bring, the worst the consequences will be for the relationship when the truth reveals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared facing the consequences of my actions, that’s why I’ve kept skeletons in my closet, instead of realizing that it’s a matter of honor, self-responsibility, self-honesty and consideration to face and then correct what I have done that is of no support for my relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached myself to morality when it comes to the polarity of Truth v/s Lies, because I have thought and believed that people that lie are ‘bad’ and people that tells the truth are ‘good’, without realizing that that very thought/belief has limited myself, because no one wants to be bad, that’s why we hide the ‘bad’ in order to remain ‘good’, which is in essence self-dishonest, because it is a mask that we use to hide that which we fear to change for the best; it’s an indication that the more we hide, the more we are limiting our own self-change, self-growth and self-expansion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have preferred to remain hidden with secrets that do not honor my relationship with people, without realizing that in doing that, I am creating distrust instead of what everyone wants, which is Trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created distrust in my relationships with other people when actually I have always wanted Trust to be a strong principle within those relationships, but my actions end up being completely different to my intensions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have the courage and bravery to even explore or question that which I hide in order to at least show a little interest in changing that which I know it’s not a contribution for myself nor for any relationships.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have feared that I am going to receive a sort of punishment if I dare to speak the truth, without realizing that that punishment is only an idea/belief that I am creating and keeping due to past experiences in previous relationships that have nothing to do with my current moment/reality.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can’t change my current moment/reality due to past experiences in previous relationships, without realizing that in doing that, I am perpetuating the past and letting it permeate my present which is where I have the directive principle to change.

I will continue on my next post…

sábado, 1 de abril de 2017

Part II: Stuck in Emotional Energy [Day 166]


This is a continuation from my previous post. I was reading it earlier and also listened to an interview on Eqafe called ‘When stopping thoughts is not enough’, which pretty much describes how I have been experiencing myself, where the self-forgiveness statements I have written down and even sounded became repetitive and more as a response to the mind state I was experiencing than a real solution.

I mentioned in my previous post that I was having problems with identifying the energies involved and it was because I was stopping my thoughts on the surface level only, but not going beyond; meaning, exploring my subconscious mind by identifying/naming the energies.

I also noticed that I was not able to identify the emotional energy, because I was busy following thoughts that then lead into imaginations, therefore my mind was creating imaginations through me following thoughts, while forgetting about my physical body, but only feeling trapped in the energy that was possessing me so to speak.

This also led me into not being able to communicate effectively when having the chance to talk, because in such moments where I am reacting within myself, there are people around me that know me very well and they notice when I am shifted into my mind because they observe my unconscious mind through my behavior/facial gestures. 

So, again; if I am not clear within myself and I am busy creating energy through imaginations, I won’t be able to communicate effectively, that’s why my response in such cases is avoidance, which is not something ‘bad’, per se, because if I am not ready to speak, not speaking is an option, but the problem is when it becomes a pattern where I end up not even communicating with myself and trying to avoid communication because apparently ‘I am not ready’, which is an excuse, because I am not pushing myself to explore and define the energy within myself. 

So, I have been applying something that was mentioned in the interview which is focusing on the energy instead of the thoughts, which is the opposite that I was doing, because I was kind of playing ping pong with my conscious mind, but the origin of the mind state I was experiencing is in my subconscious mind.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted with my thoughts by following them and then going into imaginations, where I forgot how my physical body was being influenced by the energy that I was creating through imaginations created by my own thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have used self-forgiveness as a response to my thoughts instead of really going deeper in exploring what exists in my subconscious mind by focusing on the energy I am experiencing first and foremost and thus, find practical solutions where I can express myself instead of participating in programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become so overwhelmed by the emotional energy that I thought that I was not able to name it and as a consequence, not able to ‘get out’ of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am weaker than energy when I am not able to name the exact emotion that it is possessing me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel trapped in the belief that I myself created where I think that it’s not possible for me to move on if I am not able to deal with the emotional energy, but instead of focusing on the energy, I was busy entertaining my mind by thinking thoughts. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have created pages and pages of self-forgiveness where there’s no commitments in relation to what I am going to start living so as to change myself in relation to stopping the patterns that keep me trapped, because I was only using self-forgiveness as a response to my thoughts, instead of addressing the energy involved.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself feeling trapped by emotional energy, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am trapped because I am following thoughts that then lead into imagination, that’s why I forget about my physical body and only feel it possessed by energy.

I commit myself to placing my focus on the energy I am experiencing when I go into emotions, instead of following thoughts.

When and as I see myself blaming people for the way I feel, as though it was their fault that I am experiencing myself that way I do, I stop and breathe. I realize that blaming people for the way I feel is useless, because I am the one who is responsible for myself; meaning, all that I am experiencing as energy is my creation due to participating in my mind and getting lost in thoughts instead of really stopping myself in the moment and focusing on my body, so as to release the energy .

I commit myself to stop blaming people for the way I feel and instead, I commit myself to take full responsibility for my mind and the energy I built through following thoughts.

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am weaker than the energy that I am creating, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am giving my power away to the mind by creating my own belief as self-limitation instead of supporting myself to move on and stop the pattern.

I commit myself to practice embracing the energy when I see myself experiencing intense emotions so I can focus on it, understand it, name it and thus, be able to release it and see more clearly and thus, align myself to the physical.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger and wanting to break stuff, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am experiencing those desires because anger gives me the illusion of being ‘empowered’, when actually real empowerment is constructive and not destructive, and instead of wanting to break stuff, I can choose to calm myself down and find a solution in self-honesty that is the best for me and the best for all.


I commit myself to breathe through the anger energy when I feel like breaking stuff so as to release it and then, I commit myself to ground myself here, move slower and with care so I can physically calm myself down instead of reacting. 

sábado, 11 de marzo de 2017

Stuck in Emotional Energy [Day 165]


Recently I have been struggling with intense emotional energy due to having inner conflict that I blame on X. This emotional energy is interfering in all the other relationships I have in my external world. It’s like when I have a problem with X, I can’t do well at work, I don’t express myself through music as I always do, I even notice that my face feels straight with no life in it so to speak.

I have recently been experiencing pain on my right shoulder and even an eye effusion. I have caught myself ‘lost’ in this emotional energy and it seems hard sometimes for me to even identify/name the emotions, although I am able to recognize it’s negative energy, because it manifests in my solar plexus.

I have been in a constant state where I feel well and then I again go into the emotional energy and this has been increasing lately. For instance today I got angry due to something that was said by X and I felt like breaking stuff. I have no memories of me breaking stuff in the past, so this got me worried, because those violent intentions already manifested dimensionally within my mind.

So, in that moment I also noticed that I was enjoying the anger energy, because it somehow made me feel powerful. I also noticed how I wanted to punish X through not talking to them, isolating myself and even ignoring them deliberately. I can tell that what made me feel bad this time was that I took personal X’s behavior and I felt almost like being used and not appreciated. I also went into the victim character where I thought that I am giving too much of myself for this relationship to work while X’s contribution is not the same, that’s why I also felt as though X was taking advantage of me.

I have also been having problems within my communication with X, because when I share my perspective, X’s feedback seems to be a bit out of context and based on excuses.

Earlier X approached me and as soon as I saw this person walking into me, I noticed how I became crossed. This person asked “what’s going on with you?”, but I didn’t want to talk and just say “I don’t want to see you right now. I will talk to you though” and as this person started insisting I preferred not to look at them and even avoid eye contact until they left the room.

It’s like there’s this hopelessness within myself and I am starting to become tired of experiencing this emotional energy. I always try to speak with X and find solutions, but I am starting to think “this is not working and I don’t to repeat the same speed over and over again, because it’s them that have to also contribute with their 50%, but I can’t force them or convince them”.

I know that there’s no way that they are making me feel this way, because it’s all my creation and that I project it into X. Therefore, as it is my own creation I will start by forgiving the shit in my head.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “They sent me a nice and cute message on Whatsapp only because they were going to change plans, therefore, they are manipulating me to get what they want without me feeling bad about it”, when actually it’s me manipulating myself by projecting into X the mechanisms I have applied with my parents since I was a child, where every time I wanted to get something, I would try to trigger some positive energy on them first, and then ask for what I really wanted/needed, because if I didn’t do that, I knew that their response was going to be “no”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “I am doing more for this relationship than X” without realizing that in doing that I am comparing myself through playing the victim character where I see myself as inferior for doing more, where the only thing that I am doing there is playing the polarity game that keeps me trapped and only seeing things uni-dimensionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger when making X’s words personal, because I thought that X was playing me fool, when actually it was me playing me fool through reacting to my thoughts, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I can make the decision to change who and how I want to be in my relationship with my thoughts, feelings and emotions and that that automated response does not have to be perpetuated over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have remained loyal to my emotional interpretations and reactions, instead of remaining loyal to myself as who I really am as my utmost potential; meaning, walking through this, standing up and not accepting and allowing myself to react, but instead, stop my participation in the energetic experience through taking a deep breath, forgive myself and then have a look again at the point with clarity in order to find practical and commonsensical solutions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy the anger energy, because I felt empowered, without realizing that anger is a system, it’s not real empowerment, because what it’s real goes beyond the mind as the life/substance that’s physical  without the influence of mind programming and also because real empowerment is a decision to be lived and in no way an emotional reaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to break stuff as though in doing that, I was going to solve my inner conflict, without realizing that in doing so, I was going to create compromising consequences and zero support to myself, because I would have ended up like “I fucked it up. This was not necessary, because what I have to do is to direct myself and not act from the emotion”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel lost within the emotional reactions that come up when I have thoughts and backchats in relation to X, where I convince myself that “I can’t identify the emotions” and the self-forgiveness statements go repetitive over time, without understanding that self-forgiveness with no practical application is useless, that’s why I am being able to really stop this shit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not understand that if I am not clear within myself in relation that what’s really going on inside of me, I won’t be able to be clear in my communication with anyone, because first, I have to understand what are the emotions involved in order to release them and then, stop the pattern and be able to speak with clarity, so I can explain myself better and thus, others can understand my point better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear acknowledging that one of the biggest emotions that exist within myself in relation to X is jealousy, which activates through the thoughts I accept and allow to believe within my mind, because as I do not stop them, then I start going into imaginations where I imagine all sorts of bullshit that the only thing I get through that is feeling worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have channelled this emotional energy towards other relationships I have in my external world, such as my job, music and other responsibilities, such as the DIP and educating myself through reading, writing, exploring points; basically losing touch with myself and with what I really enjoy doing, which is expressing myself in multiple fields.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have place my relationship with X as a priority in terms of always being available for them, therefore, when I do not see reciprocity in the way that I would like it to be manifested, I make it personal and go into patterns of jealousy, sadness, worry, fear, anger, frustrations, helplessness, comparison, and lots of imaginations which ends up in paranoia, that’s why I am not really here and I get stuck.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the relationship which must be a priority is the relationship with myself first and foremost, because if the relationshipI have with myself is of inner conflict, projecting blame, anger, etc - that’s what I am going to create outside, while if I create solutions for myself, that’s what I am going to manifest towards my external world/relationships; meaning, if I am stuck within myself, I will be stuck in all my other relationships, but if I push myself to walk through this and find solutions, I will also move and find solutions within the other fields where I express myself, such as my job, music, DIP, etc.

More to come on my next post…

viernes, 10 de marzo de 2017

The Liar Character Within Me [Day 164]


Today I would like to share how I found the Liar Character within me and how throughout my life I had defined myself as someone honest that spoke the truth without realizing where the Liar Character was hiding. It was in words, but not all the words, that’s the point.

I realized this point by first being an observer, for instance when people shared information - especially girlfriends - I didn’t like that they were not very specific when I asked them questions. I wanted all the details, otherwise I thought they were lying when the information was not clear.

So, I in a moment when going to share an anecdote during last week, I had already in my mind how I was going to do it, not like ‘planned’, but more in real time seeing the words in my mind before speaking them - and I noticed that I wanted to hide myself from something. So, I didn’t mention ‘I’ in my mind, because I wanted to avoid saying that I said/did something. And I realized that it was because there was a more involved level of participation in me, in the sense of having done something that I wouldn’t have liked to be done unto me.

Therefore, in my mind I was not going to mention something I did/said, but instead presented as 'it just happened and it's not relevant who created it'. But, in that moment I decided to do something that I had never done. I told the person “You know, there was some parts of the information that I was going to hide while I was telling you about this anecdote” and then I started opening up the point for myself and explained to the other person why I was going to hide in a way of sharing how I detected the ‘lies virus’ so to speak.

I realized that I feared being judged for doing it, that’s why I wanted to keep an ‘acceptable image’ and also avoid a possible argument that was only possible in my mind, because when I mentioned this to the other person, there was apparently nothing wrong with the fact of speaking about it. But this person said “I bet if I had done/said what you did, you would have become upset at me”.

So, I judged myself for having done something that I wouldn’t have liked it to be done ‘onto me’, which was basically opening back doors. But, within this I realized that I was doing nothing ‘wrong’ really, it’s just that if that other person had done what I did, I would have reacted in anger and jealousy

Another dimension that I am able to see now is that there was this desire within myself to have this person doing the same. Like “Hey, I am telling you this, so you have to do the same and tell me everything and not hide behind words”; meaning, doing it for myself, but also kind of forcing the other person to be like me, because I think that they tend to always hide behind white lies which is something that I myself have been doing, but never corrected within myself first honestly.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the words that I speak/don’t speak because I fear what others may think of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my self-definition of being an honest person that always tells the truth of the events if I am to tell the truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have placed more value on my self-created definition of being an honest person, instead of really listening to myself and seeing the words that I share when I speak with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the consequences that may take place if I am to mention my responsibility in front of others when I am sharing an anecdote, instead of unconditionally stand up in the consequences and be able to see for myself what’s beyond my own fear and self-judgments.   

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into pauses within my speech when I am not telling the truth, because within my mind I am changing the words in order to make the version sound in a way that I wouldn’t judge if I were someone else listening to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that other people will judge me for what I have done, without realizing that what happens there it’s me projecting my own judgments and morality towards them which is reflected back to myself for me to take responsibility for it, instead of hiding. 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dare to open up this point in front of X only because I have judged them as a liar that hides information from me, so I was in an attempt to tell them “You see? This is what you have to do as well. Learn from me”, without realizing that in doing that, I was not fully doing it for myself, because I went into separation, which means that I was not even being true/honest with myself = I was lying to myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have decided to open up about how I found lies behind my words in front of X from my superior/arrogant character in an attempt to persuade them to do the same, because if they did so, I would feel that I am being told the truth and I would believe that now they are being more honest and that they deserve to have a relationship with me, when actually whom I have to teach is myself so to speak, because I am the one who has not fully learned nor applied this realization in my life as a decision to really change the patterns that I judge in others.

Self-Commitments


When and as I see myself hiding behind words I stop and breathe. I realize that I am doing so because I fear what other people think of me and also because I fear losing my self-created definition of an honest person that always tells the truth, without realizing that in attaching myself to a belief of me being an honest person, I am actually deceiving myself, because I am be-LIE-ving it, not be-LIVING it.

I commit myself to drop my self-created definition/belief of being an honest person that always tells the truth and to start really seeing and listening to my words when I speak/write, especially the intentions behind it, so I can get to know myself better and thus, change myself for the better.

When and as I see myself trying to teach someone as my superior/arrogant character by sharing how I am identifying patterns, such as the liar character, I stop and breathe. I realize that I can’t teach anything, because I have just identified the pattern, but I haven’t yet applied/lived the real change that needs to take place first, which means that I am in the beginning of the process; where still much work remains to be able to share solutions that I have tested by myself in self-honesty.

I commit myself to only share what I have changed and tested for myself within my personal process.

I commit myself to share solutions instead of trying to force or persuade someone to do something, because the one who has to live the change is me - it does not work as “I realize it, but you apply it”. It’s my own responsibility and each one must realize it for themselves to be genuine and real.