jueves, 26 de enero de 2017

Angry Reactions When Being Confronted (Day 160)


I am currently visiting my parent’s house and yesterday morning I had an argument with a member of my family. In a nutshell, I did something that was considered by this individual as disrespectful, like I had transgressed 'the rules of the house'.

This person then made sure to inform others about what I had done and that’s when this person approaches me and the argument started. Some weeks ago we had already had a very similar argument where - according to their words - my behavior was not good.

For quite some years I’ve had arguments with this person. But, most of the times this person was the one that had reasons to ‘tell me off’ so to speak. It’s like we can’t communicate effectively. Actually the last time we had an argument I remained calmed and let the person know that they were angry and that even their facial gestures changed and that they were not accepting a ’no’ as an answer to their request.

This time when this person approached me, I said “I don’t want to talk to you anymore. So, please let me talk about this with the rest, but I won’t do it with you”. Well, I ended up arguing lol. And the outcome was not the best, because we both started saying stuff that ‘hurt’.

I noticed that in that moment where I was like “I haven’t done anything wrong” vs “You do not respect the house” made me feel that they were being unfair with me. To me it was like too much of a scandal for a tiny thing - tiny according to me, but a big deal to them. 

Even though I said “ok, let’s focus on the practical. I did it because I feel safe here in the house, I didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I won’t do it again” - I noticed that they wanted to add more and more and going like “but, assume it”, like wanting me to apologize or something like that, but to me all that was needed was a commitment to not do it again.

I then noticed how I started becoming angry and the argument ended up in throwing up harmful words of no support at all, but only making the other person feel bad through speaking thoughts and backchats that I had suppressed from previous arguments.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to - when feeling confronted by X - start participating in a mind fight where I told this person harmful words about their lives in order to make them feel bad, because I thought that they were being unfair with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when thinking that people are being unfair with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my awareness on my breathing and just react angrily in an attempt to protect myself and win the argument by making the other person feel bad and remain quiet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the only way I have to solve the situation in such tense moments where I am being confronted by someone is through making them feel bad for them to remain quiet and leave me alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to physically react to this anger by feeling my mouth shaking, like wanting to cry, feeling my body tense and my breathing going faster. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X is a fussy person that over reacts and always complaints, because they live a bitter life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in reacting I believed that I was ‘releasing’ many suppressed emotions that I have been struggling with lately, without realizing that I was only participating in a sort of verbal diarrhea by speaking up my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X deserved being treated the way I treated them, because of me always feeling like the person to be criticized by them throughout all these years. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself think and believe that X is someone who lives in a bubble because they have been pampered from childhood up to now and that they need to live more and have more experiences because their hermetic and lonely life make them become unhappy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have judged X as a jealous and toxic person that needs to learn more about life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to walk away and isolate myself from my family, when actually the problem is not my family, but the relationship I have with this particular individual that lives here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X is an abusive person that takes advantage of others and then hypocritically claims that they stand for the rules of the house when in fact they do not even take care of their pets by cleaning their poops and pee.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone into this mind state where I only see the faults of this individual, without realizing that in doing so, I am acting in the same way they have done it towards myself. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired that this individual was never born.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired to see this individual humiliated in front of me, as though that would make me feel better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have desired to see this person fail in their life projects so I can go and tell them “see where your behavior took you” in an attempt to make them realize that they are ‘wrong’.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have always participated in a relationship of friction with this person and even though I tried changing myself, I noticed that this person, instead of seeing me as giving a step back, they though that I was only ‘accepting’ their behavior, when actually I was avoiding conflict by suppressing what was on my mind when this being was always complaining in front of me - but that led me into frustration instead of walking through it and continue finding ways to let this person know in a ‘nice way’ that they were fucking it up, so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project all the friction and anger that was created into everyone else, without realizing that in doing so, I am going into absolutes which limit my ability to see reality and acting practically.

Self-Commitment Statements

When and as I see myself being confronted about my behavior, I stop and breathe. I realize that being confronted is not something ‘cool’ so to speak, especially if the person who is confronting me is someone with whom I have a long history of arguments and that instead of falling into the mind game of friction, I can just ask them to stay away and then only talk with the ‘people in charge’ or also listen to them, but remaining grounded and focused on my breathing so I can stand stable and avoiding a reaction or just say “look, I don’t feel well right now. Let’s discuss it later”. 

I commit myself to focus on my breathing when being confronted, so I can remain here as every breath and not go into an emotional reaction by being influenced by the other person’s words.

I commit myself to find ways in which I can become more grounded when being confronted, so I can avoid the conflict and then agree on talking about the issue later once everyone is more calmed down and not only going into honesty as speaking up what emerges within the mind.

When and as I see myself reacting angrily where I want to throw harmful words, I stop and breathe. I realize that what I am doing is only making everything worse, because I am not respecting myself by doing that and neither the other person.

I commit myself to stop using harmful words when participating in arguments, because I realize that every word I speak functions as a seed that goes into the other person’s mind and will influence their lives. 

I commit myself to become aware of the words I speak, especially when I react in anger, because I realize the importance of the words I speak and how they can support or fuck up someone else’s life.

When and as I see myself generating energy that comes from anger when I am in an argument, I stop and breathe. 

When and as I see myself wanting to see people having bad times for me to feel righteous in relation to what I thought about them, I stop and breathe. I realize that I am doing the exact same thing that I judge from X when I have been confronted, where there’s a winner and loser relationship and where winning means to see the other person experiencing only the negative in their lives.


I commit myself to focus on people’s potential when I am talking to them, avoiding to ‘see’ them through polarized filters and thus, be able to talk to them and get to practical solutions, not only focusing on their reaction, because when I do that, I react in an attempt to protect myself. 

martes, 10 de enero de 2017

From Control to Self-Control (Day 159)


I have observed that in deeper layers within my consciousness there exists this desire for control that comes from ‘good intentions’, like as though in having control of my environment, people's behavior, and how things play out, I am going to succeed so to speak.

What I have noticed is that the more I want control, the more I am out of control. This is separation, it’s me wanting to look for control outside, in my external world, because I fear that things won’t work out. Therefore, the starting point of me wanting to have control comes from fear. And the fear activates because I am not applying or living self-control.

I have realized that the way one reacts pretty much determines the output, whether something unexpected took place or when someone approaches us from a ‘negative’ stance, which means that if I am living self-control, my reaction in relation to anything that may play out in my environment - through my self-controlled ‘reaction’ - will be easier to address and thus, the outcome will be more ‘controlled’ if you will, because I as who I am, will be creating control of myself and my own mind from within to without.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to have control, because I think and believe that if I do not have control, then the outcome will be ‘negative’. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that in having control over everything I am going to have a better life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can control everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can control people’s actions. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have looked for control out of myself, without realizing that in doing so I am participating in separation. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for control out of myself, instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only control that is real is self-control; meaning, controlling my own mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions that create the ‘out of control’ experience that leads into desperately wanting to look for control out of oneself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that control outside can give me self-control.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the starting point of wanting to have control is fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have existed in fear and then, go into wanting to have control as though in having control I was going to feel better and stable.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that becoming stable and grounded starts with self. 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on control, because I think and believe that in having control, everything will be better, without realizing that that type of control which starting point is fear, only creates polarity, because it’s based on self-interest; on what’s ‘positive’ to me and what’s apparently positive to others according to the same self-interest and fear.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can’t have control over everything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have attached myself to the word control without learning how to let it go.

I forgive myself that I have NOT accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this world is in fact out of control through everyone wanting to have control not only over their own lives, but the lives of others as well, without taking into consideration the consequences such actions create.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go out of control if I do not have control, without realizing that in doing so, I am trapping myself within and as polarity equations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have gone out of control when there’s some information that I do not know, because I become obsessed with it and can’t ground myself, because I go into what ifs, imagination, and projections, instead of breathing in, breathing out and realize that if there’s something I want to know, I can just take my time, go to that person once I am stable, and ask, without necessarily becoming desperate and going into a quantum spiralling

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to have control over my external world or over people’s actions/behavior, I stop and breathe. I realize that when I desire to have that control it’s because I am actually myself going out of control and the attempt to want some control comes from the fear of failing.

I commit myself to become self-control instead of looking for control outside.

I commit myself to live self-control through getting to know my own mind, how to stop my participation in thoughts, emotions and feelings, and also through self-writing, which is the best way to change my own mind.

When and as I see myself going out of control because I desperately want to control something/someone, I stop and breathe. I realize that in that moment I have to breathe and calm myself down, because I am not living self-control, that’s why I want to look for it outside.

I commit myself to remind myself that the only control that is real is self-control and that no matter how hard I try, it’s impossible for me to have absolute control over situations/people’s behavior.

I commit myself to live self-control and make it a part of myself, because in doing so, I become a living example of the word control from where other people can also see and learn instead of me trying to change their minds from the starting point of fear of failing.

When and as I see myself becoming obsessed/desperate and going into a quantum spiraling when I do not know specific information about something/someone, I stop and breathe. I realize that in that moment I have lost absolute control of myself, because I have become obsessed, in fear, going into imaginations, and projections, like saying “Mind, you take responsibility for me”, instead of me standing up and direct my inner reality so I can see the outside more clearly; for what it is and not for what my mind thinks it is.

I commit myself to calm myself down through breathing when I am becoming obsessed and desperate because I do not know specific information about something/someone.

I commit myself to write down or sound self-forgiveness when I see myself participating in the desire for control over things/people. 


I commit myself to place the focus on myself in order to start developing self-control through knowing how to deal with my own mind instead of wanting to control others’.

I commit myself to stop thinking and believing that I can control things/people’s behavior.